Some thoughts on formula-feeding and pride/shame

[vintage67]

Yes, it can reach the point of hyperbole. I totally understand breastmilk being the most natural healthy feeding choice for human infant. I understand the antibodies and digestibility. But it isn't a 100% guarantee. And a woman who is unable to breastfeed has years of parenting and lifestyle choices ahead of her outside of babyhood that will go a long way to ensuring a healthy, happy adult. And of course, there is always genetics.

I have to make some economic choices in the grocery store sometimes but I do the best with what we have as anyone would. Good health is important and comes more naturally to some, as does breastfeeding.

 

[vintage67]

And I resent this lactivism/natural parenting whatever you call it B.S. for ruining my early time with my LO and multiplying my PPD to very dark depths

I understand this. Some people will counter with "no one can make you feel anyway, you only let them."

Well, I don't know that many people that are so emotionally strong that at a very vulnerable time in their life can just put on blinders.

 

[Liesje]

I guess the word "proud" just bugs me because of its literal meaning. It's not exactly a word that exudes self confidence.

 

[socitycourty]

And I resent this lactivism/natural parenting whatever you call it B.S. for ruining my early time with my LO and multiplying my PPD to very dark depths

I understand this. Some people will counter with "no one can make you feel anyway, you only let them."

Well, I don't know that many people that are so emotionally strong that at a very vulnerable time in their life can just put on blinders.

yeah, I'm not as tough as I used to be. I am very easily crying still these days and at times feeling like the most shit parent on the planet! When i did take a break from BnB and internet in general I felt some better but then I am a SAHM without many friends and I get bored and lonely. Plus it's nice to have fun baby advice and stuff, IDK.

For the most part I ended up practicing AP out of necessity. My LO won't sleep alone for more than an hour, so I sleep with her. I was dying from the sleep deprivation and hallucinating. I babywear (in a Bjorn, gasp) so I can get things done because I'm mostly alone and pushing the stroller doesn't do. I respond to her every cries and needs because I'm usually the only one here with her. So I practiced "AP" out of a need for survival! Not so I could hold it over someone's head.

 

[socitycourty]

I guess the word "proud" just bugs me because of its literal meaning. It's not exactly a word that exudes self confidence.

I get what you mean/meant. I would not like to feel "pride" but more like not feel shame

When I'm in public if I see someone looking at I just stare straight back at them and usually that does it so they get it and stop looking.

When it comes to the day of someone saying something to my face I may end up smacking them. It's ridiculous

 

[dizz]

And I resent this lactivism/natural parenting whatever you call it B.S. for ruining my early time with my LO and multiplying my PPD to very dark depths

I understand this. Some people will counter with "no one can make you feel anyway, you only let them."

Well, I don't know that many people that are so emotionally strong that at a very vulnerable time in their life can just put on blinders.

Oh it contributed to shredding me. I think I clutched onto breastfeeding as the last fragment of my hopes and dreams for the "ideal" birth - you know natural, bit of gas and air, the music cuts in at the appropriate moment of gooey life-change a la OBEM... and with the trainwreck we had - I tried desperately to cling to that part as some kind of fragment of the beautiful dream. So I was dealing with that, dealing with a baby so small that it attracted loads of attention when I was out and about, dealing with the trauma of the hospital - and just destroying myself trying to cling to this ideal - pumping at a ridiculous level to try to keep supply going, begging her to figure out what boobs were for (she concluded they were handy pillows) - and when the bullying and isolation (I mentioned the mum and baby group earlier... even other groups were dominated by a clique who knew each other from the umpteen breastfeeding groups - so it can get very socially isolating at times) kicked in as well on the great lactivism wagon... everything condensed into one black hole of fall-apart - because some of what is going on - IS bullying and on quite a sizeable scale.

Like I say - I'd love to see research done on how the mommy wars are affecting rates of PND in formula feeding women. When you're wobbly to start with, sleep deprived, vulnerable, hormonally charged - throwing added guilt, emotional blackmail and judgement in on the equation is never ever going to end well. Even the most level-headed woman in the world would struggle under the deluge.

And I use the word proud because I'm proud to be part of a group that does a freaking amazing job, while taking crap from a heck of a lot of very opinionated, and unpleasant people - and just get on and do it. That IS something to be proud of - to keep doing that, to NOT hide away in the house to avoid having to feed in public, to fight the cat-bum mouth faces and the sneers and the nasty thoughtless conversations - and keep on at it. Why NOT feel pride to be doing that?!

 

[vintage67]

Socity, I'm in the same boat for companionship; SAHM and husband gone a lot of hours. I feel better without the internet parenting world's ugly side, but get drawn back in to connect with people. Thank goodness for all the lovely people out there! Sometimes their "softer" voices just get trampled and the others are all you can hear!

 

[dizz]

And I resent this lactivism/natural parenting whatever you call it B.S. for ruining my early time with my LO and multiplying my PPD to very dark depths

I understand this. Some people will counter with "no one can make you feel anyway, you only let them."

Well, I don't know that many people that are so emotionally strong that at a very vulnerable time in their life can just put on blinders.

yeah, I'm not as tough as I used to be. I am very easily crying still these days and at times feeling like the most shit parent on the planet! When i did take a break from BnB and internet in general I felt some better but then I am a SAHM without many friends and I get bored and lonely. Plus it's nice to have fun baby advice and stuff, IDK.

For the most part I ended up practicing AP out of necessity. My LO won't sleep alone for more than an hour, so I sleep with her. I was dying from the sleep deprivation and hallucinating. I babywear (in a Bjorn, gasp) so I can get things done because I'm mostly alone and pushing the stroller doesn't do. I respond to her every cries and needs because I'm usually the only one here with her. So I practiced "AP" out of a need for survival! Not so I could hold it over someone's head.

I'm the same with the bits of attachment parenting I do. I find buggies a faff and I like my cuddles - so I quite often use a carrier (sorry - hate the term babywearing), the noise of babies crying is (quite biologically intentionally) not pleasant to the ears - so I try to stop her crying as quickly as I possibly can, I like my sleep and getting out of bed 967 times a night to retrieve a lost dummy is annoying and blooming cold when the heating's gone off - so the cot's sidecared to the bed so I can just reach over and cuddle her back to sleep... no grand ideals about it, no gold star or cookie for awesomeness - it's just what is practical for how we live and how we do things! If it seems to coincide more with one label than another - it's just that - a coincidence.

 

[vintage67]

Nothing hurts deeper than "bad mother."

Dizz is absolutely right.

When I was in my darkest days with my first son, I even became convinced the baby didn't love me because he couldn't master a latch. In one of the darkest times, I screamed, "Why don't you love me?" at him and collapsed on the floor in tears.

The website I was on at the time, (had actually sought help there for breastfeeding) was filled with some real winners. Even, "Good luck when your kid gets cancer," (said to an online friend) didn't convince me to kill myself; what really did it was when a poster posted a link saying that the hormone
prolactin was directly related to being a "good mother." It said that animal mothers in the wild who abandoned, killed or ate their offspring were lacing in prolactin and this proved that "good lactaters" who made good supplies of breastmilk were naturally "better mothers."

I just logged off the computer, put the baby in the car and left house. I drove around for a long time. The baby may have cried; I don't even know. I do know I ended up near the river and thought of driving in. But I didn't want to harm my baby so that's when I got the idea to find a mother who already had a baby and was lactating (with a good prolactin supply) and give him to her. I knew I couldn't live without him because I loved him so much, so I would give the baby away and then drive into the river.

If all that sounds crazed, it does to me too, but I lived it.

I tell the story to help people, not shock. I've got myself all teary eyed now and I have to go pick up that baby that I wanted to give away from 3rd grade! If he "loved" me anymore someone would call the authorities! He adores me, kisses me unabashedly in front of the other kids and constantly tells me how much he loves me.

 

[socitycourty]

^ That is such a sad story. But feeling like a "bad" mom, PPD and regular hormones can quite honestly make you insane. At my most sleep deprived I was exhausted, my baby was screaming and puking, I was crying and I thought, I would never do it but I see why people might shake a baby. Of course my regular self would never even think about that. But I was completely shattered. I still dont' feel "recovered" yet I guess because I'm still very much unlike my usual self.

She loves me so much though, won't hardly take a bottle from anyone else (sometimes inconvenient) we are together 24/7 she settles down right away, I take naps with her, etc.

I was convinced our bond was ruined and etc due to the end of BF. But in fact I really do think it got better because her stomach wasn't killing her all the time and she actually started sleeping and having a personality.

I do wish there was a way I could make more friends IRL but I don't see it happening. My sister is my best and only "real" friend, she works 40 hrs a week and then has her own LO and so things have changed there. It can definitely be lonely as a SAHM but I love it at the same time.

It's such a bunch of confusing feelings and things with the first baby. I don't know how else to describe it.

I finally feel like I see a light at the end of whatever tunnel, and she's already 4 months old. I feel bad that the first couple months were such a train wreck but I'm determined to make the most of NOW instead

 

[socitycourty]

And I resent this lactivism/natural parenting whatever you call it B.S. for ruining my early time with my LO and multiplying my PPD to very dark depths

I understand this. Some people will counter with "no one can make you feel anyway, you only let them."

Well, I don't know that many people that are so emotionally strong that at a very vulnerable time in their life can just put on blinders.

yeah, I'm not as tough as I used to be. I am very easily crying still these days and at times feeling like the most shit parent on the planet! When i did take a break from BnB and internet in general I felt some better but then I am a SAHM without many friends and I get bored and lonely. Plus it's nice to have fun baby advice and stuff, IDK.

For the most part I ended up practicing AP out of necessity. My LO won't sleep alone for more than an hour, so I sleep with her. I was dying from the sleep deprivation and hallucinating. I babywear (in a Bjorn, gasp) so I can get things done because I'm mostly alone and pushing the stroller doesn't do. I respond to her every cries and needs because I'm usually the only one here with her. So I practiced "AP" out of a need for survival! Not so I could hold it over someone's head.

I'm the same with the bits of attachment parenting I do. I find buggies a faff and I like my cuddles - so I quite often use a carrier (sorry - hate the term babywearing), the noise of babies crying is (quite biologically intentionally) not pleasant to the ears - so I try to stop her crying as quickly as I possibly can, I like my sleep and getting out of bed 967 times a night to retrieve a lost dummy is annoying and blooming cold when the heating's gone off - so the cot's sidecared to the bed so I can just reach over and cuddle her back to sleep... no grand ideals about it, no gold star or cookie for awesomeness - it's just what is practical for how we live and how we do things! If it seems to coincide more with one label than another - it's just that - a coincidence.

Yeah, I'm not much for the term "babywear" but then I use it since everyone knows what it means. LOL!

I love to cuddle too and quite honestly the constant crying would just undo me so I ended up holding and carrying and etc. pretty much all day. Now she is content to go in the swing for a little bit or go on her playmat since she's learning to roll but will still have a panic if she can't see me

 

[vintage67]

Socity, glad to have you back on baby and bump by the way.

It's "okay" for all of us to tell our stories and share our thoughts!

Any of you ladies are welcome to PM me anytime! (we don't have to talk about formula! )

 

[socitycourty]

Socity, glad to have you back on baby and bump by the way.

It's "okay" for all of us to tell our stories and share our thoughts!

Any of you ladies are welcome to PM me anytime! (we don't have to talk about formula! )

You mean something else matters besides what we feed the babies? (eyerolling) LOL!

 

[socitycourty]

And I'm glad to be back! I missed you ladies here

 

[LeoLeah77]

I have much the same feelings as you. I was dead set on a natural birth, extended bf'ing, the whole thing. We ended up stopping BF at 2 months.

She screamed constantly when she wasn't at the breast. When she was she was either nursing, puking or screaming at my boob. I kept her on "on demand", she would sometimes nurse every 40 minutes and then puke, scream, and nurse again.
:

Socitycourty - I am also deciding to switch to formula after two months of bf. like your LO, mine also has these issues but mainly through the night and I'm getting hardly any rest because of it and am finding it too stressful now. I know how hard it is and it really takes its toll on you. Sounds like you made the right decision and I hope it solves the issues with my LO. I will pump and wean her onto formula as my milk supply dries out.

 

[socitycourty]

I have much the same feelings as you. I was dead set on a natural birth, extended bf'ing, the whole thing. We ended up stopping BF at 2 months.

She screamed constantly when she wasn't at the breast. When she was she was either nursing, puking or screaming at my boob. I kept her on "on demand", she would sometimes nurse every 40 minutes and then puke, scream, and nurse again.
:

Socitycourty - I am also deciding to switch to formula after two months of bf. like your LO, mine also has these issues but mainly through the night and I'm getting hardly any rest because of it and am finding it too stressful now. I know how hard it is and it really takes its toll on you. Sounds like you made the right decision and I hope it solves the issues with my LO. I will pump and wean her onto formula as my milk supply dries out.

I hope it does solve her issues too. It is not fun being in that situation, wanting to BF and it not being the best for your LO. I tried the elimination diet, etc and it never helped. I thought I was going to die I was so tired and stressed out. Plus the baby was mega unhappy. She had a transformation after the formula.

You could always pump and freeze to see if she can tolerate it later on, as you can just put it in a bottle. But then the pumping is a double edged sword. it can take over your life very quickly.

good luck with whatever you're doing and just know that you gave your LO the best start and you're making the first of sooooo many decisions that are best for her

 

[Liesje]

Have you tried combi feeding? Maybe filling them up with some formula but not quitting breasfeeding completely might help?
My baby is so much happier and lovable when he's filled up on a bottle but still also enjoys breastfeeding (a lot more now than when we were trying to exclusively breastfeed).