Split Families - Help Please!

[Cariad_x]

Hi ladies, just looking for some advice. Quick background: My son's father and I have been split since Ollie was 16 months old. His contact with his Dad meant to be twice weekly visits however this has been sporadic over the past 7 months or so with his Dad cancelling and only seeing Ollie once a week more often than I'm happy with (lawyers are getting involved to resolve this as ex is simply not listening to me at all ). Ollies step mum hates me and Ollie frequently tells me that she tells him how much he hates me and his step dad.

Ollies step dad and I have been together for 2.5 years and Ollie can't remember him not raising him. His little sister was born 8 months ago and he ADORES her. He's had some issues with behaviour (OCD type and he's been assessed for likely ADHD and spectrum stuff).

My issue is this: over the past 4 months or so Ollies behaviour has been worse. He's insolent, cheeky and becoming violent when angry. We know this is often typical 4 year old behaviour and his other issues and we manage this effectively. HOWEVER his behaviour is MUCH worse when he returns from a day with his Dad: he's very cheeky, hyper, rude and will say he's going to hit me and his step dad though this is sometimes in jest. Is this typical for his age and being a split family? I don't know anyone else in this situation!

Thanks for reading

 

[babyv13]

my DD is just a bit younger than your DS, me and her dad have close to 50/50 custody so she's at his 2 nights one week and 4 nights the next week. there's no change in her behaviour in either house that me or her dad have noted so based on my experiences i wouldn't say that was typical. she doesn't appear to have any underlying issues though so that may be why? i'm sorry you have to deal with this

 

[ClairAye]

My children's father isn't in the picture but my son has stuff going on too, he acts out because he doesn't handle transitions well. Could it maybe be that?

 

[Scout]

So sorry you're going thru this. My dd's dad left when I was pregnant and haven't seen him since so can't comment about the split family part. But what jumps out to me, and I wondering about, is the comments the step mom is making about you to your son. That's so damaging to your son, as I'm sure you're aware. To me, that alone would be enough to cause a child to act out. I'm no expert though, just seems sad to me.

A little different because this boy is 8, but I work in the school system and one of the kids I work with lives with his dad and sees his mom every other weekend. He's also mildly autistic and ADHD. On Monday, we can always tell when he's spent the weekend at mom's. His behavior is out of control and he can't focus on anything. It usually takes a day or two before he's back on track in school after those weekends. It's really sad that a parents behavior (in his case his mom is very neglectful) has such an impact on the child's behavior. But it makes total sense.

Good luck.

 

[Cariad_x]

Thank you all for your replies. I suspected that this was the case tbh but its good to have it confirmed.

Ollie isn't good with transitions and both his step dad, his nursery, his HV and myself are helping him with this as best we can. I do think his ADHD is playing a big part in it but I also don't think it can be a coincidence that he's always worse when he's been with his Dad.

I've spoken to Ollie about his step mum. He hates her and tell me so because "She doesn't like you and step daddy". I've tried speaking to her and his Dad about this and her attitude in general as well as the fact that she copies everything I do (clothes i buy for Ollie all her kids then have, she buys the exact same candles and scarves and jumpers that I wear in photos, copies status' I make and posts I make on Instagram) but to no avail. I think I'm just going to let a lawyer deal with it all including the fact that Ollie doesn't want to see her.

Thank you all again x

 

[pinkstarbinks]

yes 2-3 days flare up adjustment after visiting a non resident parent is normal x

 

[MARIEX3]

So sorry you have to deal with that, in my opinion his dad and step mom could be potentially feeding him negative information and making him confused, and not knowing how to handle this situation. Try talking to him. Kids are like sponges and absorb so much information more than we think. But with the step mother telling him that she hates you is just childish, if anything that is hurting the child more than anything.

If your son is not comfortable being around the dads girlfriend I would get the lawyer involved because she is not entitled to have visits or be around him if the child doesnt want to.