Starting to wish he'd just disappear.

[linley]

When FOB and I broke up, I was adament he was going to be in LO's life. He promised LO was his priority and, like an idiot, I believed him. Then all his drama kicked off and things were tough for a while.

We didn't hear from him all weekend and it's the best weekend I've had in months! Took LO out loads of fun places, managed to make amends with FOBs mum and for the first time in what feels like months, felt genuinely happy. And then he came back on the scene and I'm back in my angry place.

Am I really selfish for hoping he'll just get bored and bog off? I know in theory, children need 2 parents, but I only ever had my mum and I don't feel like I missed out at all. Does he need a dad who ditches him to go get his kicks? Who winds his mum up to ridiculous levels? Who would happily pay nothing if he was let off with it? I'd be so happy if I never had to see him again, how much damage would it do to my LO?

 

[jenfirstbaby]

he sounds like an a*se.

if he's flitting in and out of LOs life and making you both miserable then i'd tell him you dont want him involved. obviously he might decide he wants to take some sort of court action and then you'd have that to deal with.,. but if hes a waste of space and not really interested he might not bother! thats what happened with my sister and her ex. hes all over facebook telling everyone hes appluied for court etc., my sister went to see a lawyer just incase. He hasnt seen her for almost a year, no contact or anything but makes out to all his mates that she wont let him see the baby!

 

[daneuse27]

My father isn't apart of my life, and I'm happier for it. I was 15 by the time they split up. My mom being from her generation had more traditional views of family and parenting. She thought that staying together for the kids was the best thing to do, even though they weren't happy for many of the same reasons you aren't. (My Dad was unreliable, spent their money carelessly, was an alcoholic and also unfaithful. I don't know how she did it.) He eventually became so out of control that she had no choice but to kick him out when we were all teenagers.

There are times I wish she'd had divorced him sooner so that we could have suffered less as young teenagers. You know your ex better than we all do. There's no saying whether your ex will treat your daughter the way he treated me, or if she'll end up just as hurt. If he neglects or puts her in any kind of danger, then I'd never allow him to be with her alone. Maybe you could arrange for only supervised visits or say his mum has to be around if you trust her. I think that as her mum, you need to draw a line somewhere and put a limit on something - but where, I'm not sure. I don't believe the BS about "2 parents being better than 1" because I think like anything else, quality comes before quantity! On one hand cutting him out completely at this stage may lead to her being curious about him one day and wanting to meet him. Kids have the right at some point to know who their parent is and you may not always be able to shelter her from him. But at the same time, make sure she's safe. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Bottom line is that I'm happy she has one caring parent who's going to protect her no matter what.

 

[teal]

It's not selfish, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy He should be supporting you and not winding you up. I think it's much more damaging for a child to have a father who is in and out of their lives, letting them down etc than it is to have no contact.

I don't have any contact with my ex, he's never even met my son. xx

 

[linley]

The worst of it is, I never know what to expect from him. Some days he's really chatty and friendly, others he's very distant and then there's days like Tuesday where he's spiteful, says things just to hurt me. I feel sick every time I know I have to see him cause I don't know where I stand with him. I want to ask for us to spend some time together, work out where we are, what our relationship will be like now but he's in a new relationship and I don't want to cause trouble. But my God, I can't live like this for the next 18 years.

 

[jackie2012]

i think also its not good to have someone in and out of their lives like that. kids need consistency not when he feels like he wants to play daddy.

But you should set boundaries for your own sanity with how he is towards you. if he is nothing but pleasant or civil i would tell him your not dealing with him until he can speak and act proper. and just refuse to until he does. if you dont he will just keep treating you like that because he thinks he can get away with it. its not good for your child to see you worked up over it or to see you being treated like that. let him know it's not about you or him it's about your child and what's best for them.

and let him now how you feel about him being in and out and what course of action you will take if he can't smarten up and be a father. and if he doesn't then follow through with it.

I wouldn't be worried about not causing issues in his new relationship, his new girlfriend will have to deal with the fact that you two will need to talk on occasion and such you have a child together. if she can't deal with that it's something her and your ex will have to deal with it's not your problem,your only concern is whats best for your child.

 

[linley]

This just seems never-ending.

The last couple of days have set me back about 12 steps! He's got in my head and I'm feeling like I need him again. I don't, I know I don't. I've done these last two months all by myself! I've never struggled with LO, he's brilliant and I've never needed anything from FOB. Then he turns up in my living room, crying, hugging me, telling me he never meant to hurt me. He's done this before but I've always been pretty good at seeming indifferent, keeping the focus on our son. And I cannot get my head around why I thought it would be a good idea to tell him yesterday just how much he's hurt me. He put on this really patronising voice, spraffing about how he's always here for me, he still loves me and if I ever need anything, to just ask him. And it's all bull! He's left me feeling like a victim, like he feels sorry for me because I'm unhappy (I'm not unhappy, I'm adjusting to being single for the first time in my adult life). All I've done today is cry, for my son. I wanted him so much I brought him into a family that was always going to fall apart. He deserves the world and I can't give it to him. It breaks my heart that he has to leave me to see his dad, that we can't spend time together. He won't have a chance to see how happy we once were, all he'll know is the hurt and tension between us, because I can't see that going away any time soon. I hate myself for being so selfish, I hate him for putting me through this and wandering through life without a care in the world. I don't want to be angry anymore, I need to be strong and happy for LO but I'm struggling to pick myself up from this all over again.

 

[jackie2012]

those are all natural feels it takes time to be able to work through all of it. It's a lot to deal with. But as time goes by it does get easier. i still have mommy guilt for not having a traditional family for my kids and for their fathers not being in their lives full time (i.e. home with them every night). But they are wonderful kids and i make sure they don't miss out on anything other kids get to do it's just more work for me they don't even realize that there family is different than any other until they get older and by then it is normal that this is how their family is.

My oldest is 14 yrs old and his friend asked him if he misses not having a dad around and my son the darling child said no my moms twice the man he'd ever be. lol it made me tear up and then i was like hey what does that mean lol.

my Point is give yourself time and try to be strong when dealing with the ex don't let him bring you down it may seem like it'll never end but if you draw the lines and stick to them sooner or later he will figure out you won't put up with his BS, It's just like dealing with your LO and keeping persistent about the rules until he learns that no we don't do that but only more annoying because your ex should know better by now lol. Try not to beat yourself up. your LO will be fine as long as you give LO all the love he needs and be there for him and it sounds like you are already doing that.

 

[Zothan Mom]

Sweety, your the mom, so for now i would say, give him the boot untill he can "hopefully" grow up a little. When Lo is old enough to start asking questions, then you can sit down with Lo, tell him why daddy wasn't allowed near him when he was small and then ask him what he wants. If he want's to see his dad, then you can allow him back in if you want.

That way you can protect your son now and at the same time make your son feel that he has a say in his own life when he is older.

My heart goes out to you. I know what it feels like to wish your ex would just disappear...