Stay at home Mom - he never wants to take care of baby or says “I fed her last time”

[HSDR2017]

Ok I don’t want to go into much detail because I’m exhausted.

I am engaged. My bf or fiancé has been pretty distant when it comes to caring for our baby. He drinks a lot and I SWEAR he drinks just so he won’t be responsible for taking care of her. He is a tree climber and works Long hard hours. We have lived together for approx. 5 Years and we have been together since 4/22/11! Our son was stillborn in 2016. Our baby girl was born in Oct 17. The first 3 months he was always doing whatever he felt like doing, whenever he felt like it as I was EBF and he was “working” or who knows.

I go to sleep late, always and I expect him to feed her after I change her diaper and everything else she needs before I go to sleep (he goes to be anywhere between 8pm and 10:30pm usually) and I usually don’t or can’t sleep until 3:30am-5am or so. (insomnia) the first 3 months while I EBF I wasn’t Ben here most nights because he was drunk and I needed help with our baby. My parents helped so much it was ridiculous because he wouldn’t help. I slept at my parents with our baby for atleast 4 weeks out of the 3 months I EBF her.

I also expect him to feed her when she almost ALWAYS wakes up at 6:30am (he works 5 mins away and he has to be there at 7.) I ask him to change her diaper and feed her.) He rarely IF he does help take care of her. He will say “she’s tired” and let her cry in her crib which I obviously don’t allow but I do it all day long and he has the nerve to make statements such as:

“You’re awake, you feed her” (hey bud! You slept 6 hours already and I slept zero. I am changing her diaper for you, getting her bottles ready, heating them up for you AND bringing the bottle and our clean happy baby for you to feed and then lay down and she goes right back to sleep during the late night and 1st 6:30am feeding!)

Or

“I fed her last night and this morning” - Hey jagoff!! I fed her and feed her ALL DAY if you want to keep score, you will have one hide in shame.

Or on the weekend when he is off work for example, he does whatever he feels like 90% of the time and if I tell him she is OUR baby and he will take care of her so I can get shit done around the house (oh and he bitches that I get nothing done all day yet when he gets home I try to have him watch her for the SOLE PURPOSE of catching up on wash, dishes, tidying up, etc., and he either complains, bitches, gets drunk intentionally to avoid me trusting him to care for her OR he says some stupid shit like “I’m not feeding her I already did today or last night or whatever”.

Is this normal behavior? I caught him when he cheated on 1/5/18 with some random whore from the trashiest bar in our small town and he denied and denied until he realized I knew he wasn’t “in the garage” and I had proof via his own GPS on his phone - thanks google maps! He had sex with a random girl and stayed out til 5:30am and had the nerve to beg me for sex the next day. He didn’t confess. I caught him. He had no choice. He also hasn’t begged for my forgiveness or anything even close. If I bring up how much it hurts me to think about what he did or how he could do that to me, he gets pissy/angry and says “that’s all you do is bring that up” that is rarely the case!! He should be apologizing when I say something about it like I had a nightmare but he literally gets mad and annoyed as if I’m being over emotional!!!

I feel like he is either cheating still and that’s why he seems to want little to do with her sometimes and doesn’t care how much stress he is putting me through, or he just doesn’t care about me, just doesn’t care about her or if he is just stressed our and tired like he says he is. :/

 

[Brightxeyes]

I would definitely definitely leave him.
He’s not pulling his weight in the slightest and has a shitty attitude.

You’re far better off doing it alone than you are being with him. Surely your romantic relationship can’t be good if he can’t even be bothered with the baby?

Seems like a guy you can moan and moan to, he won’t ever want to change. Get out and you’ll be far happier. You’ll eventually find someone who cares about having a family.

 

[dinidani]

Apart from the cheating side which you have choose to accept because you still stayed with him i beleive is normal my partner would work long hours and me being the stay at home parent would be the main carer ild do everything and hormones do play a massive part but i get his your up prepared the feed etc why couldnt you sortav thing i do get that i also get the other side as i have three children and workwd a year so my partner could be a stay at home parent when ds3 was born so i would go to work and still would be doing stuff around the house etc i thibk it all comes down to peoples understanding and experiences of raising children etc his mum doing everything dad always at work i think and ive been in a situation that ds1 dad cheated on me i believed he wouldnt do it again but we kept on fighting in the end we had to draw it a day as i couldnt leave it in the past and it wasnt fair on my son but if you have choose to move foward as hard as it is you have to find a way to get past it and as for being a stay at home parent if your on your own you really wont have the chooise but to do everything so would you actually be any better off apart from heartbroken because you have been with this man for all theese years could you really survive withought his financle income and actually having someone to actually share all those precious first with your daughter with i think in general men that work away until the baby is actually able to comunicate or do things the parent doesnt really know what to do xx

 

[HSDR2017]

Just for clarification: I don’t bring it up much anymore but when I do just to tell him it’s really bothering me or I’m having nightmares about it, he goes off the deep end and starts being rude af. Thank you. I would be better off alone because of the way he treats me I’m positive about that.

 

[Brightxeyes]

I understand that, depending on your family situation, the mom might stay at home and the dad works, but if his attitude about helping SOMETIMES is absolutely foul, then no, it isn’t normal.

My partner helped me a lot for the first few days, and as much as he could for the first two weeks and then it was back to work (he’s self employed works from home). But he loved giving our son attention when he could. Even if I did all the feeds and bum changing he would still hold our son for a while on the evening so I could just sit down and relax for a little bit or have a shower etc.

There were times when he’d make me feel like I’d have to have like a three minute shower (he never said it, but reminded me to be quick so he could continue working etc).

There was even a time when we really didn’t get along and apparently despite doing everything for our son, I was apparently lazy and didn’t do enough in the house and needed to get a job despite us not being able to afford childcare. I didn’t enjoy motherhood at that point and felt like I wasn’t doing a good enough job. We very nearly split several times. But he never had a stinking attitude to spending some time with our son, and doing the odd thing without me even asking him to. We discussed what we can do to change our routine to make everything run like clockwork. And now I’m working the financial pressure is off him (he doesn’t do well with work or financial related stress) and we’re getting along better than we have before, and baby number two is on the way. We’re still trying to find a better routine, but the thing is we’ve mixed things up and we’re both trying? If your partner isn’t willing to try helping you, and you’re generally not enjoying the relationship, then what’s the point in dragging it out?

I know men who work crazy long hours and still manage to do the 3am night feed without moaning, and takes families on days out etc. So to me if the attitude stinks and they’re damn lazy, you’ll probably enjoy motherhood a lot more alone.

 

[bdb84]

You never expected or forced him to do any 'heavy lifting' in order to fix the relationship once you caught him cheating. That was mistake #1. He got a hall pass, virtually, because there have been no real consequences. He should have been forced to expose his actions to everyone he cares about. He should have full transparency with you now regarding his social media, email, phone, etc. He should not be going out and drinking still. He has shown you he is incapable of being trusted.

But you chose to let him stay with minimal, if any, consequence, so you cannot go back now and change that.

I tend to side with SAHM's being the one doing the bulk of the day to day child rearing and household duties.. But I also would not be with a man who has no desire to be an active part of his child's life. Most good parents long to get home from work so they can at least cuddle with their baby after a long day's work.

Can I ask what his good qualities are? He's a cheater, a drunk, and wants no part of the child he helped create. I get the feeling you have stayed because it's what is easiest.. or you may struggle with low self esteem.