Step parent going a little crazy...

[Kestersed]

I need some advice.... I have a stepdaughter who is 5 who has lived with me for nearly 2 years fulltime because of an unstable Mother. The Mum see's her one day of the weekend, but in the past has been very absent, going 6 weeks with no contact... it's a tough relationship.

We have a standard family life, though I'm a strict parent, not the sort to make a huge fuss if Sally falls over and cuts her knee, I give it a look, tell her she'll live another day and carry on as usual. Whereas... her Bio Mum and Grandma turn EVERYTHING into a huge deal, showering her in kisses and attention that I don't want to match... or feel the need to match.

I was told by my Mother in law that I should give her my 100% attention, but whilst being pregnant, running a 3 bedroomed house with pets and a fulltime job that is taxing.... when I was five I was already shown how to dress myself for school and didn't need adult assistance for much. But my step daughter seems to want somebody there ALL the time, for everything...

Her behaviour is changing towards me too, she's doing stuff that's naughty and when asked why she says "I didn't think you were looking....."
I explain that that doesn't make it OK to be naughty... we make up after a fiery argument (for example, she smeared poo all over her bedroom wall - she's five, one of the smartest kids in her class at school, she KNOWS that's wrong!) You can imagine I wasn't impressed....

Am I that bad of a parent for wanting my child to be independant? I think of Sally as mine, I met her just before her 2nd birthday and she's lived under my roof the longest out of all the parent figures she's had (which has been her Grandma and Bio Mum) we have days out together, she has a beautiful bedroom, I take her doll out in a pushchair to involve her with my pregnancy, she's a lucky, only child, spoiled little girl, with a soft sweet Daddy who adores her.
But I'm not like Grandma or her Mum, I won't shower her in free gifts and sweets, she earns pocket money and desert for eating well. I won't cut up her soft carrots, she can do that herself... I'm just not that way inclined, it's not in my nature, if she can't open a bag of crisp, I show her how and encourage her to do it herself, and praise dearly when she gets it right.

I'll be like that with all of my kids, I want to show them how to get on in life, not do it for them. All within their age range of course, I'm not unrealisitic.

But Sally is doing a lot for attention, after the poo issue I took the dog for a walk with her, I was silent the whole way round, angered by the mess I found on her walls and she tried EVERYTHING to make up, dancing, skipping, look at this, look at that - now I need a few minutes to calm down, so I was calm, nodded, responded in a polite manner, but I wasn't angry like I normally would be with something like this... and this seemed to make Sally desperate for some form of attention, be it good or bad. She wanted a reaction and wasn't getting it, she even started copying the actions I was asking the dog to do, like jumping and sitting for a treat...

How do I handle this? Is her behaviour going to get worse when my attention is elsewhere? I make time for one on one time already, we do arts and crafts together, walk to Toys R Us to spend her pocket money, I really try... but is this what Sally is going to be like if my attention is elsewhere, on something like a newborn!? You weren't looking so I drew on my bedroom walls? You weren't looking so I wiped poo on my walls? I've tried talking to her, her only other response is "Because I want to..... because it's fun.......I don't know"

It's not just the poo thing, I've also had her biting the buttons off of her school cardigan, drawing on ALL of her school clothes, drawing on her walls, stealing something small from a shop and putting it in her pocket, hanging off of the banister in the hallway, dancing and pratting about in shops when I tell her to behave because she's hitting peoples trolleys, lying has been a HUGE issue, especially with her bio Mum, getting out of bed during the night and running around, sitting for over 45 minutes eating her dinner whilst chewing with an empty mouth, but get this, she does this whilst STARING at me! Kicking and screaming in the shower because she doesn't like water, despite the fact she has swimming lessons under water...

I may be crazy, but it often feels like she's trying to provoke me. And this behaviour is centred around me, she's not like this with her Dad... But her Dad is a bit like his Mum, it's all about her comfort, when we visit grandma the kids dance and stand in the centre of the sitting room, in front of all the adults for them to laugh and praise, when I was young, I did my best to get away from the boring adults... and ran off to play with my sister and cousins. I had to fight with my husband about not letting Sally sleep in our bed, I know that's harsh, but I want an active sex life with my husband, and having kids in our private space isn't the way to maintain that.... I will lie in their beds and comfort them, but that square feet space is for us and adult time, ONLY! The rest of the house is designed for children, I want this small patch of heaven for us and us only lol...

Any advice? Or anyone else feel this way? I feel like an evil step Mum!

 

[Lois]

I completely agree with encouraging independence and not over-reacting to every bump and scrape. I also think that being a step-parent must be incredibly challenging so hats off to you.

All little children push boundaries and act up for attention and it sounds like your step-daughter has suffered with an unstable relationship with her biological mother, so makes sense that her behaviour may be a little more testing.

How do you feel about your stepdaughter? Anger and not affection comes across in your post. It sounds as though you feel that you are making all the right steps and she isn't doing her part by being perfect in return? Does she feel loved by you as well as simply parented effectively? If a child seeks a lot of negative attention it can be because they don't get or know how to get the positive attention that they are craving. I am aware that this last paragraph may seem harsh...it is intended to provoke thought, not to offend you. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Dream.dream]

To be honest I think maybe she's acting our because of her relationship with her mom. At 5 its probably really hard for her to express her feelings about the situation even though she's aware of it and upset by it.

Your Doing what you should and being a consistent parent , and at 5 she should be Abel to dress her self , cut some of her own food and do chores .

Have you looked into maybe getting some form of counselling for her to help her with her feelings? She doesn't sound like a terrible child maybe just needs an outlet to let out some emotions in a healthy way instead of acting out?

 

[seoj]

I became a full time parent to my SD when she was just 9yrs- and, because of the horrid bio-mom she had and all her mom put her through, my hubbies mom and aunt really went OTT tbh, and would cater to my SD and of course she loved it. What child wouldn't? I mean, literally, her grandma would come get her ready for school in the mornings- and my SD would lounge on the couch while my MIL made her food, brushed her hair... it was so hard for me not to say something (at first). But, at first, I was still finding my nitch and groove and like you, I was more strict and wanted my child (cause yes, she is my child) to be more independent and well rounded etc...

I will say, for me, I just had very open and honest conversations with my hubby. Because of the rancid things his ex did (and fighthing her in court and dealing with her trying to make his life miserable)- he didn't fight back to his Mom on how she was as much as he should have. I got it. There was enough crap he was dealing with as a single parent all those years- so I do think having me in his corner really helped turn things around. In time. And yes, it will take time-- but, in the end, my SD saw ME as her parent and stopped looking at her grandma to fill that role. We kept very clear and consistent rules/boundaries with her. There were tough times- his ex was horrible and talked very bad of us both. My SD also had anxiety due to things her Mom did when she was little... so, you can imagine, it wasn't always rainbows, sunshine and lollipops for me.... or any of us. It was an adjustment. But, I think, especially after I found my groove as her parent- and made the choice to BE the parent, and not let my MIL or his aunt override that... things slowly got better.

My SD and I have an amazing bond. She knows I love her and support her in whatever she does- she also know that my rules come from a place of love. That I care enough to set limits and stick to them. She respects me and her Dad for that. There was always love- just other outside forces that might have caused us all some struggle. But, I'll be honest, between 9-11 were the hardest years for me parenting my SD. Finding my footing, sticking to my guns, building that parental relationship with her and understanding how to react to her the best ways I could... all that. It was all well worth it though- as she has grown into such an amazing young woman. She is very well grounded- self assured- AND idenpendent. She still has some anxiety- and loves to be social- of course (she's 16 now). But, she got her license and a job and a boyfriend in the past 3mos- and is handling all of it well. We are so very proud of her- and as she grew, and better understand her bio-mom, she knows who her real parent is and who she can fully trust to do what is best for her. Period.

IDK_ just my story (little bit of it)- hope that helps

 

[Rachel_C]

I'm with you on not making a fuss of bumps and scrapes and I am happy for the kids to play independently too... but I think you're expecting too much of a 5 year old. She's going to do things she knows you won't like, she is going to want you to do things for her (it's often referred to as 'mothering' when you're doing things for people they can do for themselves, because that's what mothers do!) and she's going to want attention when it's not scheduled in.

Some of the things you said, "we make up after a fiery argument", "I was silent the whole way round, angered by the mess I found on her walls and she tried EVERYTHING to make up", those are things you might say after an issue with an adult and even then I would feel pretty guilty if I did that to my OH. I'm not saying I don't shout at the kids, I certainly do and the neighbours probably know it too, and when I'm really cross I do need to take a few minutes, but that's not how I want to be. I don't see those as normal acceptable parts of parenting, they are things that happen but I try to be better next time. Can you imagine if your husband didn't like something you'd done and then he gave you the cold shoulder for the entire time you were out even though you thought the issue had been dealt with and you were trying everything you could think of to make up? You'd feel pretty terrible. Multiply that by 10 for a 5 year old who doesn't fully understand how humans think and again by another 10 because 20 minutes feels longer when you're little.

All of the things you say she's doing wrong and very normal behaviour - lying, being cheeky, doing things for attention, night wakings, drawing on stuff, being a pain in public - they're all completely normal. I don't think any parent wants them to happen but they do, you just get on with it and the kids grow out of it. There's nothing you've said that screams 'unusual problem' to me and with her mum being absent and her surely knowing about it and understanding what it means a little, she has more reason than many to have problems!

Please just love your little girl. She's acting up, like a 5 year old does, for YOU because you're the one she loves and she wants your attention because she loves you and wants you to love her back. Kids don't think of things like we do - you do their hair and cook their food because that's your job, not because you love her, so you can do the everyday things as much as you like but it probably doesn't make her feel loved in the way that some spontaneous tickles, some unnecessary cuddling and acceptance of her 'short-comings' would.

 

[Kestersed]

Hey Louis

"I also think that being a step-parent must be incredibly challenging so hats off to you" - Thanks, it's not been easy! Family life has taken us into court and a lot of arguments everywhere, between MIL and myself, Sally's Bio-Mum and my husband,

"How do you feel about your stepdaughter? Anger and not affection comes across in your post It sounds as though you feel that you are making all the right steps and she isn't doing her part by being perfect in return?"

That's actually a very elegant response, because to be honest, it's been really hard on me. Her Dad wasn't... I don't know, up to the task. Going to court, everything was arranged and filled in by me, evidence, photographs, parenting diarys etc... everything in Sal's room as been supplied by me, clothes, underwear, dietry needs, everything. But this all came during my 2nd yr of Uni, unexpectedly from being a weekend step parent with my boyfriend at the time, to juggling work, a kid at nursery and a fulltime degree. This juggling didn't end well for me, I lapsed into anxiety and depression really quickly because to be frank I was doing too much. It took a lot to get me out of that state, but I did it whilst running around after my step daughter and her Dad, I've been there for everything, her first tooth, her first school day, held her hand for everything, so to speak.

I think you've misunderstood a bit of how I handle Sally, like I said about showing her how to do something and praising dearly, she gets a LOT of praise when she demonstrates good behaviour. For example, manners, consideration for others and the environment around her, kindness, thoughtfulness etc. I'm not overly forth coming with the touchy feely stuff, but sadly it's not in my nature, I'm not the kind to cuddle a lot, but I do attempt to make up for it with days out and quality time together such as walking her buggy to Toys R Us together, involving her in my pregnancy, arts and crafts like hand making Christmas cards together. That's more the parent I am, we do stuff.

I don't believe I will ever be a kissy, cuddly parent, or that might be because she's not biologically mine, I'm not sure. But I don't believe that kind of attention can be forced out of me, I will lay on her bed and read books with her and stuff like that, kiss goodnight etc, but i'm not a mushy person....

This new behaviour is new, to say the least. And sadly, social services have left us to our own devices with Sally, now she's no longer living with her bio-Mum she's no longer considered at risk. However, you must remember, I am new to this. This isn't raising a child and having a step kid, this is being 23 at the time, living at home and going to Uni, to living with my boyfriend, having his daughter around part time to being a full blown Step Mum with a court case... this may appear 'Normal' to all of you, for me, there is no normal... there is nothing I can compare this to, because I haven't had kids, I'm the eldest in my family and will be the first to have a kid soon. So consider all of this, down to her negative behaviour as being new to me!

 

[Kestersed]

P.s. Hi seoj, thanks for the response.... tough times ahead then? That sounds a lot like our background, except I met Sal before her 2nd birthday. I know it might sound from my response like I took it on and complained about it all, but the man I married IS the man of my dreams... I kid you not, I'd work to the bone to secure that happy, family life where we can raise children together and skip off into the sunset. At the time, the hard work felt like it was for the 'greater good' I think now further down the line, I resent the fact that I didn't look after myself properly, and that my husband didn't pull more of the weight.
Your story inspires though! It sounds as though you have the same parenting style as me and the hard work has paid off. )

Hehe... it'll get there I'm sure! Just needing the support, I don't live near my family, I stayed here because I went to Uni here, I'm surrounding by the husbands family )

 

[Kestersed]

Rachel_C

It may not seem 'unsual to you' but as I said in the post above, all aspects of parenting is for me. And this change in her behaviour may appear very normal to you, having had kids etc, but for me it's foreign land spoken in a foreign tongue. I've made this up as I've gone along! I know I probably don't have it right, but she has a safe home, a predictable timetable and a predictable step Mum, who gets cross over things like poo on the walls, and praises things like manners and good behaviour. I may be expecting too much from a 5 year old, but to be honest... the last one I've been around was my younger sister, and I was 8 myself

 

[jessthemess]

I do agree with the person who responded that she felt a bit of anger from your post and not affection. I feel it too. I'm sorry

It sounds to me like you are withholding. And that you use withholding as a form of punishment. Possibly because you feel pushed and rushed and pulled and forced. Possibly because you are struggling to emotionally connect to a child that is not yours. Possibly because you resent her mom, grandmother and your husband, for putting this on you.

Acting out for attention will get worse. Much worse. She is five, and yes, she can dress herself, help with food and chores and knows better than to wipe poop on the wall. But she cannot interpret her feelings or yours and she's not perfect, nor will she ever be. Neither is she a master mind, creating messes and problems for specific outcomes. Her thought process does not work like ours yet.

If you struggle now what will you do when her mistakes get much bigger, which they will. Or how about when she already acts out for attention, what will happen when that attention is divided between her and a new baby?

I think you need to find out why you are not connecting. I think the issues that stem from how you are feeling and how she may already be sensing it, could potentially be heart breaking for your family.

I'm sorry for being serious and rough.

It sounds like you are trying and doing so much for her, more than anyone else in her life. Full time step parenting is in some ways harder than being a biological parent and you are amazing and wonderful for doing what you do for her.

But you can't force an emotional connection, and to a child, it can be the most important one.

If you are sure you have one already and that I read you completely wrong, than please ignore me! I only said it just in case.

 

[River54]

Most parents have to learn how to be a parents with their first, then relearn stuff with their next etc. Every child is unique, and will have a unique personality. So, most parents here have had to learn how to be a parent when their child comes along - either from birth, adoption, step children etc. It is a struggle. It is hard. There is alot to learn, and not really very good guides on the subject, and every stage of their life is different, so you are constantly learning forever after. You do the best that you can, with what you know and feel. Though some books are a good help, but as always, adjust to suit your family.

I was the mum who some would say was harsh. She didn't get sweets, I got after her if she didn't behave, and if I laid down a punishment - I followed through everytime - so she knew I meant what I said. She had tantrums/kicking screaming ones. I would just calmly hold her (like a human straight jacket) until she was done. When she got a softball in the face at 6 years old, she started to cry - I went over to her and looked her in the eyes, and said you look ok, try to catch it next time - no hugs etc. Don't get me wrong - I was affectionate to her as well, but everything had it's place. Of course once she hit grade school and other classmates got treats everyday, I relented and she had "treat Friday" - where she picked out the goodie to have in her Friday lunch. Dunkaroos if I recall was very popular with her. - I listened, adapted, and changed to make a compromise.

And yes, when you have alot going on on your plate, it is hard to make time for them that isn't planned. The key for me was this - listening to her. Regardless of what I was doing or how busy I was, she could come to me and tell me about her day, or whatnot. Sometimes (alot of times), it wasn't feasible right then and there, so I would ask her if she could relate the stuff, or show me, or whatever it was that she needed me for, later after I was done, or when I could take a break. I followed through with that as well, and found the time at some point that day to do whatever it was. When I listened to her, I did not react negatively. If there was something concerning, I would talk to her about it - age appropriate of course. Because of this- she still feels free to tell me about stuff, her day, her friends etc. And some of the stuff...well, I wouldn't have ever told my mum, lets just say that. - This doesn't require you to be a huggy person, just one that can listen and be there for her.

As for acting out, yes, all kids do it. How you respond to it is the key for getting them to slowly stop doing it. I have had to go and take a break before going to her and talking to her about what she'd done. By taking myself into my room, I gave myself a bit of time to calm down to then respond to her. I tried very hard never to yell at her, or give her negative emotions that she would think I hated her. When disapproving/ disciplining, she would still know I loved her - regardless that she hated me for the punishment.

Not every child is going to be independent. Some do need a little extra help. Yes, they could do it themselves, but sometimes doing it for them shows that you care as well.

I must say - poo is definitely gross, but it did get your attention.

Hope that helps.

 

[Kestersed]

Hey River54, thanks for the response Listening is helpful actually, Sally and I had an evening playing 'make-up' and 'hairdressers'. Her attitude completely changed, she was so grown up, asking me where to move my head so she could brush it, explaining to me what she was doing and chattering about her day. She ended up drawing pictures in eye shadow on my belly whilst i started taking a snooze on her bed. Her baby voice disappeared, and she talked to me because she had something to say, not because she wanted attention or was trying to win my praise. It was actually really relaxing for me.
jessthemess:
It sounds to me like you are withholding. And that you use withholding as a form of punishment. Possibly because you feel pushed and rushed and pulled and forced. Possibly because you are struggling to emotionally connect to a child that is not yours. Possibly because you resent her mom, grandmother and your husband, for putting this on you.

It's hard to connect with someone elses child, we have an odd sort of relationship.... . I don't know, it's really messy... I don't think she knows what she wants me to be, she calls me Mummy, despite her Bio mum told her not to. I'm not entirely sure what I am to her, I feel responsible for her. Like I need to provide her comfort and environment, down to the clothes she has to the life lessons she learns. I don't like her staying under someone elses roof because deep down, she's my child and should be at home with us. Which is why me and the MIL have fallen out in the past, because I wanted Sally and her father with me. (Just to clarify, I was soon to be homeless, and my partner and I were in a good place to move out together, Sal stayed with us at the weekends, but my MIL found it really hard to let go of having Sal, and would constantly offer to take her 'off of our hands'. My MIL and I argued because she told me life would be easier for my partner if he stayed at home and she provided for Sal....hit a nerve).

I am her Mum, or the closest thing she has to one right now. I'm predictable, not always forthcoming with my feelings, but I'm always there and I think she knows I always will be. I enjoy teaching her new things, and in that way, we are very connected. But I'm not like her bio-mum or grandma... and i think she gets upset with me sometimes for that. I am colder, harder to get a reaction out of, but I am just like that as a person.

When she was younger (much younger, in nappies, she's in school now) she didn't like me much, she pushed me away from her father and could be VERY rude to me around her Bio Mum. I remember that being really upsetting at the time... frustrating but I understood she was basically a toddler and deeply confused, but it would come and go. I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't her parent and stopped trying to act like one, I was Daddy's girlfriend, but then that all went completely when we had her fulltime. I dunno if there's any left over resentment for that? I don't know, I honestly have no idea.

I love her like my daughter, but she makes me cross like she's my husband's daughter...

Now, without judging and making me feel like Snow White's evil step Mum, can anyone work on the mental side behind that? And tell me how to fix it?

There's a connection, a strong one, but there's also something else :S which i don't understand or know!

 

[deafgal]

Let her bio mom make a big fuss over little things . That little girl need to soak up all the love she can get since she doesn't see them much and because you have a different kind of relationship with her, she definitely need her mother's love. In fact, instead of trying to force to bond with her, how about letting it go and leave the bonding to the parents and you will keep looking after her and not expect anything out of it (not sure i am explaining myself well) and if you two develop a good relationship, great, if not, no worry, at least she knows you cared for her.

if I know the pain will go away quickly, I'll let them know. I'll tell them it will go away in no time so it will be ok.

I think it is normal for kids misbehave while adult not looking. So maybe praise her when you do catch her doing something good while not looking. Because obviously she want the attention.

 

[deafgal]

Instead of calling you mummy, how about a cute motherly nickname she can call you.

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

I think I can relate to some degree. My fiance's son has a huge problem here lately where he will throw tantrums in a store if he doesn't get the toy he wants. At first, my fiance will stand his ground, but then he'll end up with a different toy, anyway. His ex has admitted, "He just throws tantrums, I don't know what to do, so I just give him what he wants." When I last babysat my stepson, he didn't throw a tantrum, but tried to wheel and deal me for a toy. It didn't work on me. He just sat there and sulked after I repeatedly told him no. However, I do have somewhat of a connection with him, but at the same time, it IS hard to connect with him because he isn't my son.

Now, my son, when born, if he throws a tantrum in a store? He's not getting even a small toy.

Anyway, I don't think you're being a bad stepparent. I don't really sense any anger. You've done a lot for her and again, I can relate. I've watched my stepson several times in different situations where it proves I went out of my way for him. I bought him school clothes and food when my fiance couldn't afford to.

The one thing I may agree with the other girls is that she's probably acting out because the older she gets, the more she wants a connection with her mom, maybe. She knows you're not her mom and the older she gets, the more that becomes obvious. Maybe also some jealousy over a new baby coming so she's acting out more. Now, I know that may suck, but THIS is coming from a place of BEING the stepdaughter. I really can't think of any solutions, other than to keep doing what you're doing. Have a talk with your husband, if at all possible, to see if he can have a bit of a talk with her and get to the root of the problem.

 

[Kestersed]

I think I can relate to some degree. My fiance's son has a huge problem here lately where he will throw tantrums in a store if he doesn't get the toy he wants. At first, my fiance will stand his ground, but then he'll end up with a different toy, anyway. His ex has admitted, "He just throws tantrums, I don't know what to do, so I just give him what he wants." When I last babysat my stepson, he didn't throw a tantrum, but tried to wheel and deal me for a toy. It didn't work on me. He just sat there and sulked after I repeatedly told him no. However, I do have somewhat of a connection with him, but at the same time, it IS hard to connect with him because he isn't my son.

Now, my son, when born, if he throws a tantrum in a store? He's not getting even a small toy.

Anyway, I don't think you're being a bad stepparent. I don't really sense any anger. You've done a lot for her and again, I can relate. I've watched my stepson several times in different situations where it proves I went out of my way for him. I bought him school clothes and food when my fiance couldn't afford to.

The one thing I may agree with the other girls is that she's probably acting out because the older she gets, the more she wants a connection with her mom, maybe. She knows you're not her mom and the older she gets, the more that becomes obvious. Maybe also some jealousy over a new baby coming so she's acting out more. Now, I know that may suck, but THIS is coming from a place of BEING the stepdaughter. I really can't think of any solutions, other than to keep doing what you're doing. Have a talk with your husband, if at all possible, to see if he can have a bit of a talk with her and get to the root of the problem.

That means a hell of a lot to read, got near to tears with it all tonight, it's such a messy situation and so hard to navigate through... I think Sally wants that Mother bond. Sal's Mum is rubbish, and very unpredictable, there one minute, absent the next. It's just messy, I don't even know what I am, I'm the Mum without the biological connection, the cold Mum that doesnt kiss and cuddle a lot... but Im a bloody good Mum, in every photograph, for every school play and Christmas Fate, every birthday party with homemade cake, every knee scrape, everything. I'm not maternal, but the way I always saw it as I'd rather have a Mum who was always there, then one that kissed and cuddled alot who wasn't.

It's hard, and im struggling, thanks for replying

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

That means a hell of a lot to read, got near to tears with it all tonight, it's such a messy situation and so hard to navigate through... I think Sally wants that Mother bond. Sal's Mum is rubbish, and very unpredictable, there one minute, absent the next. It's just messy, I don't even know what I am, I'm the Mum without the biological connection, the cold Mum that doesnt kiss and cuddle a lot... but Im a bloody good Mum, in every photograph, for every school play and Christmas Fate, every birthday party with homemade cake, every knee scrape, everything. I'm not maternal, but the way I always saw it as I'd rather have a Mum who was always there, then one that kissed and cuddled alot who wasn't.

It's hard, and im struggling, thanks for replying

Honestly, I don't think that isn't that you aren't maternal. You have taken care of Sally, you spend time with her, go out with her, go to her plays, and someone who wasn't maternal or didn't care about her would not do those things. Her mom may be rubbish, but in the eyes of a child, they don't understand. It's still mommy. But I am sure she will come to love you and appreciate you. My fiance raised his son's brother and although, he no longer calls him dad and has his rubbish convict father in his life now, he actually begs to come over here to see us (he is now 9 and fiance started watching him when he was 1 1/2). She is young, but I am sure she will learn to appreciate things. I hope that things get better for you.

 

[SerenityNow]

It sounds like you are really putting all of your heart into a difficult situation. Every relationship is complicated, we all have things that we do well and things that we struggle with. It doesn't matter if you are cuddly and affectionate, you are making your stepdaughter's life better by being a consistent adult presence in her life.

My only advice is to try really hard not to take her behavior personally. This is something I have to remind myself of constantly as my kids get older. The things they do are part of their growing up and finding their way, it affects me because I'm their mother, but it isn't aimed at me.

The other thing that I will warn you about is that once your baby is born your stepdaughter will suddenly seem so much older by comparison. When I think back on the expectations I had for my eldest when she was the age that her sister is now-- they were unreasonable and unfair. I think with our eldest child we are always so proud and impressed with what they are capable of, it is an easy trap to extend that and expect a level of maturity from them that isn't really developmentally appropriate.

 

[seoj]

P.s. Hi seoj, thanks for the response.... tough times ahead then? That sounds a lot like our background, except I met Sal before her 2nd birthday. I know it might sound from my response like I took it on and complained about it all, but the man I married IS the man of my dreams... I kid you not, I'd work to the bone to secure that happy, family life where we can raise children together and skip off into the sunset. At the time, the hard work felt like it was for the 'greater good' I think now further down the line, I resent the fact that I didn't look after myself properly, and that my husband didn't pull more of the weight.
Your story inspires though! It sounds as though you have the same parenting style as me and the hard work has paid off. )

Hehe... it'll get there I'm sure! Just needing the support, I don't live near my family, I stayed here because I went to Uni here, I'm surrounding by the husbands family )

I honestly know for sure being a step parent is harder than being a bio parent- because, not being the bio mom, I came into things and had to find my nitch- that balance. When your a bio mom, you instantly have that "connection" and being a step parent, you have to build it. But it's so well worth it hun. I adore and LOVE my SD so much- she is my first child. Period. She taught me so much patients and so much about myself in the process- and watching her grow and being a big part of her life has been an amazing journey- bumps and all. It took some time- but I treat her just like I would my own. Mistakes and all. And I can only hope our LO grows up to be as self assured, sweet, loving and fiesty as my SD

You got this! And BNB is great for support- I didn't have any friends who were step-parents either, and tbh, it was an adjustment for my friends as well. As I'd been single for years before I met my OH- so becoming an instant family was an adjustment for us all.

 

[Butterball Ma]

Sounds like she's definitely suffering from past instability and probably is seeking out attention.

Your post sounded...cold, sort of devoid of emotion. Clearly you're a good caretaker to her, but you sound more like a nanny than a mom. Stepmom is a silly term to me, as you're providing care for her as a mother should. But yeah, you talk about her like a charge rather than your daughter. Do you feel that she is your daughter? Do you love her? Your post speaks of rationality and procedure, not hugs and kisses.

I think you're bound to have issues with her for a while, especially given her relationship with her mom. Love her, hug her, discipline her, but don't treat her like a mini adult, because she's not.

 

[SarahP13]

Hi, I hope you don't mind me replying. I am not a step parent but I am a step daughter and have looked after several five year olds as a nanny. Maybe I can offer a little advice regarding how to deal with her. I can't imagine being a step mother at your age with everything else that you have on your plate so kudos to you and no judgement here!

I guess the two words that sum up what I think she needs are love and consistency. It sounds to me like she is pushing you for a reaction to check that you still love her.

I looked after one family- mum, dad, two small children and the mums 8 year old son. Now, he was very loved and well looked after, saw his Dad twice a week minimum but he had issues. He threw huge tantrums that were really hard to deal with. His stepdad and I were fairly strict with him, if his behaviour was unacceptable then he was disciplined, tantrum or not. His mother, however, would shout and scream at him but then give in to him and would end up actually apologising to him! Several times during a calm period following a tantrum he said to me 'I wish I just lived with you and stepdad'. This is despite him screaming that he hated both of us on many occassion! When we chatted he explained that he knew his behaviour was wrong but he couldn't understand why his mum would scream at him sometimes and cuddle him other times. It confused him. After a few months he stopped having tantrums with me and only did it with his mum. I guess my point is that kids thrive on consistency, she is pushing you to see if you'll break. Hold firm, be consistent BUT DO NOT hold a grudge.

This is where I will give you a little constructive criticism. Kids do not understand time the way adults do. Going for a walk and ignoring her is really tough on her, expecially when she is being sweet and funny. Reward that behaviour, don't keep remembering the bad. I know that's hard (trust me, I've been there many a time!) but it's important to deal with an issue, discipline if necessary but then move on. Try to swallow the anger you feel and respond to her when she is making up with you. The more you reward that with attention the quicker she will try to get attention with good behaviour rather than bad.

Also, where possible, ignore the bad behaviour. If she's being rude ask her to talk nicely with you or you will not speak with her. If she continues then walk away and do not give her any more attention. Obviously poo on the walls cannot be ignored but deal with it, make her help clean it if possible, but do not debate, shout, go on and on about it. It really is difficult but in the long run, ignoring bad and praising good really does work, I promise.

Reassure her you love her even when you are cross and upset. One 7 year old girl I had was a particular live wire- but very sweet too. One day she pushed and pushed all day until I could take no more and sent her to her room- I had her three brothers and sisters to look after and she was being very disruptive. 30 minutes later, when I was finishing for the day, I went to say good night to her. I was still really upset and angry with her but I just told her 'I'm still upset with your silliness but I wanted to say good bye. I love you and tomorrow will be a better day, right?!' It was important to me that she knew that. Even if you say to her, 'I'm still upset with you but I love you and will be ready to play with you in a few minutes' it will reassure her and give you time to count to ten and calm down.

Hope some of that helps a little. It sounds to me that you've both been through a lot and it will take time to to figure out your relationship. Just keep being there for her and you will find your rhythm. Good luck!