Step parent going a little crazy...

[Lois]

It sounds like you've been through a pretty traumatic time as a direct result of having your partner and his daughter in your life. Is it fair to say you feel some resentment about having gone through all of this despite not having caused any of it? I think you've been amazing and I can totally understand the feeling of "you ought to be bloody thankful" that seems to be present in you...thing is, it should be aimed towards her biological parents and not towards your step-daughter. She doesn't know what you've been through or that traditionally a biological parent would be playing your role, she doesn't know what you've sacrificed or that her welfare and wellbeing was never meant to be your responsibility in the first place. She just knows that in a world where adults can be petrifyingly unreliable, you are a consistent and reliable parent. Now all she wants to know is that as well as being brilliant at what you do for her...it just so happens that you love her dearly too. Kids test love by acting unloveable. What better way to be reassured that a parent's love is unconditional than to put it under some seriously testing conditions. (So, if you look closely enough the naughtiness is a massive compliment to you.) I'm not saying that you have to pretend to be smoochie-woochie, cuddled-wuddley if you're not. It wouldn't work anyway because kids see through fake pretty quickly. You just have to actually feel genuine love for her and she will sense it. Is it possible that the trauma and unfairness of what you've been through has left behind a resentment that is masking those loving feelings? If so, some counselling to talk through your experiences may help.

Faced with what you have been through, many people would have run a mile. You've done a very special thing and thank goodness you are in your step-daughters life. It's just that going through the motions of loving her will never replicate actually loving her. Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree and your love is forthcoming and she is just having a phase in the way that all kids do. It is always so hard to know in a written forum!

I wish you luck and happiness with your family whatever the case may be.

Lx
P.S. Youre not alone- biological parents haven't a clue what's normal first time around either! That's why we're all googling every 5 minutes!!