Still Can't Cope

[SCJ110212]

I got pregnant a little over a year ago. I found out I was pregnant but the father was not the boyfriend,Derek, I was with though. The father was my best friend, Nathan, with whom I had a short fling with. I had hid the fact that Nathan was the father and waited to tell Derek until it seemed like the appropriate timing for him to actually find out. I waited 2 1/2 weeks until after I found out to tell Derek. He presumed he was the father until Late March when I landed in the hospital with a benign ovarian cyst that was not removed. I remember when Derek found out how far along I was and he put 2 and 2 together finding he was not the dad. Because we didn't have sex until 1 month after I conceived. Derek became very abusive and scared me. I was in the hospital several times within the pregnancy with my scares but everytime my doctor verified that my baby was healthy and growing fine. But that my stress was causing me HBP. It didn't lower my stress level considering the fact that Derek was still very abusive. In July, I finally decided to tell the father, that he was the dad. I was very attached to the baby at that point. I loved my baby and their kicks and nudges. The way my baby woke me up at night because of her little kicks and nudges and her seeming to punch my rib cage from inside. The day after I told Nathan, I found out I was going to have a little girl. Nathan, Derek and I chose together to name her Scarlet Chelsea. A couple weeks passed and I'd finally decided that Scarlet was to take her father's last name rather than my hyphenated last name. That troubled Derek and the beating got worse. The night he beat me the worst, I found I lost Scarlet. July 30th. I tried to hide my pain and blocked it out as if it never happened. And it continued to grow inside me, the pain. And I would hear her cries in my sleep, although I had never heard her. It's a mom-thing, knowing your babys cry. And I knew it was her cry. So, it continued to eat at me until I walked in on my boyfriend feeling his baby kick (My girlfriends child with him), I had walked out and sat on the couch crying. Later my boyfriend found me crying and broken down in the bathroom. Since then he and I have shared very intimate conversations in the shower, talking of my loss and me revealing my emotions and pain. I seem to get better and worse. I often couldn't be close to my girlfriend because of her obvious pregnant belly. And I couldn't be sexual with her or close in any way. And now that I have gotten better with that, it seems that now that the playpen for the baby set up in the bedroom makes it even harder. Losing Scarlet was more than just a loss, it killed something inside me, that was my baby girl. It was the girl I lost. It was the baby that I wanted desperately. Around the date of her conception, and the day I found out, and the day of the first ultra-sound, the first kick. all of those days kill me. Her due date was November 2nd 2012. And It butchered me for 2 weeks surrounding the date, to be anywhere around pregnant women and newborns. It continues to remind me what I lost, as well as make me question why I couldn't have her. Why she was chosen to be taken from me. I am just so bitter and I can't seem to cope. I have turned to a last resort, talking to those who can empathize. Please, I am desperate for friends who can relate to my pain. Losing my daughter killed me and I would like to know how to learn to cope, or something I am losing my sanity.
-Mommy to Angel Scarlet-

 

[davidjoemum]

I'm so sorry for your loss.i lost my son years ago thanx to his father and his new girlfriend I can relate to your story feel free to pm me if you like.

 

[SCJ110212]

I am sorry that you had to experience your loss as well. And I am sorry about the father and his new girlfriend making you be able to relate to what I have gone through. But it's nice to know that people understand