Still finding it hard at times

[Welshcob]

I have this terrible habit of remembering only the good bits of my relationship with FOB. I keep forgetting that he took me to court, had me arrested and does not want me to contact him even if I and bubs got sick. I know hand on heart he would be glad if I died as then he would have no stress. But I still sit here and miss him and I still sit here and wonder why hes been this way? I still wonder what he is hoping to acheive other than hurting me as much as possible. I listen to the babies heart beat and I feel sad that hes not sharing and enjoying it with me. I still love him even though I know I don't want to be with anyone who thinks as little of me or anyone as he does. I still find I keep HOPING that the good bits come back. But I know they won't ever, I know in my head that the only times he was kind and loving was because that is what HE wanted and not because of me. He hates my guts and why? Primarily because I got pregnant...of course it is my fault even though he did the ovulation test with me. Hes changed his mind and hates us both. Why can't I just turn off that love and walk away like he has done. I am also at the same time scared stiff of him as when hes mad, he will do anything to hurt me. I know that when the CSA get involved this is going to set him off. So how is it I still miss him and keep thinking only of the good bits? I don't hate him despite what he has done to me. I feel sorry for him, but also I am way too afraid of him to ever trust him again. I know he will do what he can to cause me as much pain as he can as this is what he likes. The other bit is I know hand on heart he is out there looking for another victim and he will do it to someone else too. Mind you, it might take his focus off me and bubs. I have already resolved that no matter what I am not going to put him down to bubs. Bubs is the best thing he could ever have done for me. I will tell baby that I loved Daddy, but Daddy was ill and could not stay. I will tell bubs that Daddy was afraid of responsibility and I will always say I loved Daddy.
Lots of things he has done, I can make no sense of. He told me he would never leave, but he did. He told me he wanted the baby and "everything" with me, but he didn't. He told me he would "never not be there for the birth" but hes not going to be there.
He had me arrested for slapping him after 3 weeks of no communication and then when I invited him to scans and said I had missed him on text, he said I was harrassing him and now I cannot contact him till after baby is born - not that I would as its clear he wants no part of me of the baby. I would never be a nuissance. I feel let down by everyone. The law, the police and mostly him for the countless time. I know hand on heart they never change now, I just can't get it though my thick head to stop thinking of the good bits.
I also can't help thinking of those and missing him. Hes probably got someone else anyway now and told them how awful I am. All lies like he told me about his last GF. Who I know he did the same to. But he always hides them well so you can never find a past GF.

 

[tinkabells]

Dont we all do this, but there is always a reason they you split up with someone, and you need to remember everything he has done before and now, just remember its not justa bout you anymore but with your LO as well as you've all been trhough enough xxx

 

[Alexas Mommy]

It is always hard, keep your chin up!

 

[nievesmama]

i always wonder what i did to make my LOs father hate me so much but i know now its not me its him and his issues, but they will be the ones who suffer in the end. i will say this it doesnt matter how clever or sneaky they think they are they will trip up in the end.
hun...your not on your own xx

 

[purpledahlia]

be strong, the FOB of my baby hates me and called me name after name and threatened me etc, he didnt ever listen and completely blamed me. even though i know its 50% his fault. Half the guys on this plant are just scum. And imagine he met someone and they found out he had a child he chose to not see.. i cant see how a woman would find that ok. Dont worry about him or think about him, think of you and baby from now on! thats all that matters!

 

[LucyS]

I feel exactly the same about my ex, thought I was the only one going through this!

 

[Welshcob]

I feel exactly the same about my ex, thought I was the only one going through this!

Ah LucyS. I am not completely mad then! Somehow its re assuring. Other people seem to think I should be able to turn off the love just like that. I know that what he has done is dreadful. But I wanted this baby with him and I fantasise about us walking together like a family and doing things together. It just breaks my heart. It will never be. But I haven't got to the point of letting go yet. My fear of what he might do next is just driving me forward to keep as far away from him as possible. I am just so scared. If I am very very lucky he might just leave us be. Even though that hurts, its not as bad as the abuse and primarily I don't want that baby hurt or used like a weapon. I just can't trust him.
It is weird to just keep focussing on the good bits. I think I am still fantacising about how it might have been - but it is pure fantasy.
Be strong LucyS. xxx

 

[bluetattoo]

I could have written your first post myself - it was so true to my life too. I still catch myself thinking about FOB despite his disgusting behaviour, I can't seem to get it through my thick head that he will never change. I find it useful to read his old texts and the letter he wrote when he left me asking me to get rid of the baby we had planned together and tried for for 4 months. I cannot give you any answers but I am impressed by your attitude to not let Bub know the agony FOB put you through - am not sure I will ever come to that state but who knows what will happen in time. Be strong, we will all get through it together and may our babies grow up respectful of everyone and resilient to lifes knocks. You sound like a wise lady, I wish you and baby every happiness. There is someone out there who is worthy of your love (cos FOB was definitely not!!), I hope they find you soon

 

[ani]

I so get you!

We're still in the process of separating, just preparing to move out. And days like today when we were all playing together with LO I just think oh this isn't too bad, why do I want to break it up. But I have to go back to why exactly we HAVE to do this. I have placed sort of mental markers in my head to some of the worst times that I can go back to to remind me that that is no way to live. So for these kinds of moments, try to maybe also remember the way you felt at specific time. I think it's really great that you can look back and remember the good times and that you can share that with your child, too, but just for those weak moments for yourself, reserve some good mental kicks up the backside with those reasons that led you to go in the first place

 

[Welshcob]

I could have written your first post myself - it was so true to my life too. I still catch myself thinking about FOB despite his disgusting behaviour, I can't seem to get it through my thick head that he will never change. I find it useful to read his old texts and the letter he wrote when he left me asking me to get rid of the baby we had planned together and tried for for 4 months. I cannot give you any answers but I am impressed by your attitude to not let Bub know the agony FOB put you through - am not sure I will ever come to that state but who knows what will happen in time. Be strong, we will all get through it together and may our babies grow up respectful of everyone and resilient to lifes knocks. You sound like a wise lady, I wish you and baby every happiness. There is someone out there who is worthy of your love (cos FOB was definitely not!!), I hope they find you soon

Huge Huge Hugs to you!! xxxxx