Story about me and dad-to-be, with some questions? Please help!

[Cassie96]

Ok, so I know I've posted this before but I decided to do it again (for people who haven't read it) and include my questions.

When I met my boyfriend (now ex) he was the kindest, sweetest person I'd ever met and treated me like royalty. The relationship was great but within 3 months I found I was pregnant. He was happy but I wasn't so sure because I'm still young (im 16 and ive left school, hes 16 but hes currently at a behaviour school)
I decided to keep it because I knew I would be able to cope and I felt like it happened for a reason.

At 14 weeks I had a really bad bleed when i was out with him and when i told him he walked off and left me crying, i was then taken to hospital and found out everything was fine but after I became really depressed for some time, this put a strain on the relationship as I didn't want to leave the house, I was scared about everything, even going to the toilet incase I found blood. He wasn't there for me at all and he used to constantly put me down, swear at me, called me horrible names and made me feel guilty for not going up his house and not having sex with him but at the time i believed it was my fault. I just agreed with everything he said.

at 20 weeks I finally felt a lot better in myself and me and him started to get back on track, I forgive him for everything he said and did but then once when I went to his, he put a massive whole in his mums living room door and he got really angry at his mum for no reason and started screaming and swearing at her then went upstairs and started punching the walls in his bedroom and throwing things around when I went to see if he was okay his room was trashed, he'd broken his draws and smashed up his door. I'd told him how scared I was that he was so violent and it was a side of him I wished I hadn't seen and he promised it wouldn't happen again, but it happened several times after that, he'd loose his temper for no reason, smash things up and started blaming it on me and tell me I caused it.

At about 25 weeks everything got worse and things ended in him telling me he was going to commit suicide, and every conversation we had always ended in him screaming down the phone at me for nothing. He's also very jealous so he made me delete my Facebook, he deleated all my male friends out of my phone and basically stopped my contact with my friends all together. He would have a go at me for wearing makeup or doing something nice with my hair. i also didnt want to have sex due to sickness etc. so he used to tell me he was going to sleep with other girls because he missed having sex. i used to go to bed crying every night an finally decided to end it in November after he screamed insults down the phone to me in front of my mum.

We have been split up ever since but he hasn't left me alone, I've always told him the dates for my appointments, scans and everything but he hasn't turned up to any of them, he's only came to two midwife appointments (my early ones), my dating scan, and my 20 week scan.
since then I've had all my routine appointments and 5 scans.
He used to send me over 100 texts a day all asking me to take him back or to move on? and when i dont reply, i get called names, sworn at, thretened and then he turns it around on me and makes me feel like its my fault. Hes recently just told me that If i dont get back with him he will kill himself and it will be my fault.
He's also told me he doesn't want to be at the birth because he never wants to see me again. He hasn't baught anything for our child, I've bought everything! and he never asks about the pregnancy or if I'm okay... He even asked me not to put him on the birth certificate so he didn't have to pay maintenance!!

^this is just some of it, there's alot more!

I honestly have tried my very best and couldn't of done any more, my family have treated him like one of there own and he just throws it back in my face all the time .
I have a family nurse/health visitor who visits me weekly and she knows more about the situation, she thinks I'm very mature for my age and constantly tells me that I couldn't of tried harder to involve him. she's worried for mine and my childs health and well being because of the stress he causes me. i want him to be a good dad and i want him to be in my childs life but she thinks I should consider my options about letting him in my childs life as she doesn't believe he will be a good role model for my child.

now we hardly talk at all.
Last week we had a conversation about why i wouldnt ever go back to him in which i fully broke down and told him how he actually makes me feel.
which ended in him saying he thinks I'd been cheating in the relationship (I wouldn't dream of that, I think it's discusting), that I was a dirty little slag and so on... He constantly tells me to "f*** off", and says "I only care about this baby I couldn't give a f*** what happens to you"
It really just upsets me everytime he talks to me like this. i wouldn't ever dream of talking to him like that, after all he's the one I fell in love with.
I've never hurt him or spoken to him like that, I'm genuinely nice to him even when he starts with me and I try my hardest to ignore the insults.

So, my questions are..
Do I have him at the birth or not?
What should I do about the birth certificate?
Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
Maintenance?
And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

Ps. Really sorry about how long it is :$

 

[Rozz1e1]

No dont have at the birth tell him your in labour but tell the midwives he isnt to come in. Yes he should be on the birth certificate..but he needs to come with you to register birth to sign it, he has to do this so it makes it easier with csa etc..im presuming ure in uk? In regards to contact you need to be in touch with social services altho your family nurse will be able to help you out more there xxx

 

[ashley0408]

It sounds like you have done everything you can to want him to be a part of your childs life. Just from what you have said and the way he treats you and trashes his place, you deserve better. Don't put yourself and certainly not that baby in that kind of situation. Just go about it like you don't know who the father is and don't have a father name put on the birth record. I would just try to lose all contact with him for the time being because he even said he doesn't care about you-you are a big part of that babies life. He needs help with his anger. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

 

[musicmomma]

I would make sure he is on the birth certificate to have him held accountable for HIS child he helped create. Not for the birth though, it needs to be stress free and a beautiful moment for you. Don't let anyone make it about anything other than you and your LO.

 

[Cassie96]

But if I put him on the birth certificate, won't he get perental rights and be able to take her away for weekends and have contact without me there?
I can't trust him to look after her, especially not with his anger problems?

 

[stardust1976]

I'm not 100% sure of the way it works in other countries, but here in Australia, if you put him on the birth certificate as the father he has parental rights.

Honestly - I would advise you STRONGLY against putting him on the birth certificate. I would cut all contact immediately. I would contact the police and get a restraining order put on him if he keeps harrassing you.

Please understand that what you are talking about is a long term issue. If his name is on the birth certificate, you will need his consent for ANYTHING to do with that child until he or she turns 18. If you want to travel and need to get your baby a passport, he can refuse to sign the form and you won't be able to get it. If he wants to see the baby, he has every right if he is listed as the father.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but if he is violent, emotionally and physically abusive, and is not working anyway, why on earth would you want to have anything more to do with him?

You are so young, and you are going through something that is very very difficult for an adult, let alone a teen. You are basically the same age as my eldest daughter. This is the advice I would give her if she were in this situation.

Get as far away from this boy as you can. He will not change, he will not grow up and he will not be anything but trouble for you and your baby.

Do the responsible thing and protect the life you have growing inside you. Do not have him at the birth, cut all contact immediately and make a new life for yourself and your child.

It sounds as though your parents are supportive of you, and that's great. Use their help, use the help of any support workers you can. You can do this - from the sounds of it you are going to be doing it alone anyway - why make it harder for the next 18 years by having him have any part of it?

Should your child want to know his or her father when they are older, then you have the decision to tell them and let them find him. But at least give them the option. Don't condemn that baby to a childhood of fear because you think you are doing the right thing.

Please please keep away from him. He cannot offer you any kind of support, whether it's financially, emotionally or physically so cut your losses and severe all ties now.

I hope you can find the strength to do this, it sounds like you are mature for your age. You must remember that you are the only advocate for this baby. He or she cannot speak up for themselves, so you have to do what is best for them.

Hugs to you, I hope you get through it ok.

 

[musicmomma]

Do you truely think he will want the responsibility of her? Is it something he would maybe get tired of and not want the responsibility? Also you could always take him to court and prove he is an unfit father with anger issues. I would keep all conversations and take pictures of any damage he has physically made if you are able to. Also with him being in a behavioral school, I tend to doubt his ability to take care of a child. You should get a lawyer and talk about your options. I'm not sure if you're from the US or UK?

 

[stardust1976]

Do you truely think he will want the responsibility of her? Is it something he would maybe get tired of and not want the responsibility? Also you could always take him to court and prove he is an unfit father with anger issues. I would keep all conversations and take pictures of any damage he has physically made if you are able to. Also with him being in a behavioral school, I tend to doubt his ability to take care of a child. You should get a lawyer and talk about your options. I'm not sure if you're from the US or UK?

I agree to keeping all records of conversations etc....but honestly feel you would still be better off not having him on the birth certificate.

My ex-husband told me (while we were married and I was pregnant with our third child) that he would kill our children out of spite if I ever left him. He doesn't want responsibility, and a lot of people don't. But there are a lot of angry, spiteful people out there as well. If he has parental rights and he is allowed access (the US is very different to the UK and AUs in that regard), it only takes one episode of spite/anger/rage for things to become a lifelong consequence.

If he is not listed on the birth certificate, the onus is on him to prove that this is his child if he truly wants contact. He is the one that will have to pay for DNA tests and he is the one that will have to make the effort. The likelihood of that happening is slim to none, and it means that her baby is unencumbered with that violent past to worry about. Why go through the hassle of courts and solicitors when at this stage there is no legal right on him?

 

[Cassie96]

Do you truely think he will want the responsibility of her? Is it something he would maybe get tired of and not want the responsibility? Also you could always take him to court and prove he is an unfit father with anger issues. I would keep all conversations and take pictures of any damage he has physically made if you are able to. Also with him being in a behavioral school, I tend to doubt his ability to take care of a child. You should get a lawyer and talk about your options. I'm not sure if you're from the US or UK?

England.

 

[Rozz1e1]

You have to have him on the birth certificate hun to make sure he can pay maintenance etc, no he cant just take the baby without your permission, that is why you need to discuss this with your health visitor and family nurse bcos they will likely be aware of your circumstances as you have already said and have social services involved who can then inform police etc if and when neccessary. Social services arent bad and they are there to help and they will. Given his track record and your age etc its likely they are aware already so they can keep you and baby safe, this isnt derogatory to the ladies that arent from the uk but as in common with most places lol the us and other countries have completely different laws and regulations and governing bodies then we do in the uk xxx

 

[musicmomma]

Our child and parental laws are a bit different I believe then. But I wish you the best of luck and would still recommend a lawyer to give you real true legal advice and help make the best decision.

 

[Rozz1e1]

Parental rights and rights to access are different also huni, if you have social services involved which as iv said likely do then he wont have access rights etc. Talk to your health visitor hun and see what she says xxxx

 

[stardust1976]

You have to have him on the birth certificate hun to make sure he can pay maintenance etc, no he cant just take the baby without your permission, that is why you need to discuss this with your health visitor and family nurse bcos they will likely be aware of your circumstances as you have already said and have social services involved who can then inform police etc if and when neccessary. Social services arent bad and they are there to help and they will. Given his track record and your age etc its likely they are aware already so they can keep you and baby safe, this isnt derogatory to the ladies that arent from the uk but as in common with most places lol the us and other countries have completely different laws and regulations and governing bodies then we do in the uk xxx

If he's a 16 year old student, how will he be forced to pay child support?
And yes, must be different to here then as well, because here if you don't list him on the birth certificate, he has no rights at all and you have no obligation to actually list him at all. If you aren't married or living in a defacto relationship, then he ONLY has rights once his name is on that document. And if you do put his name on it, then he DOES have those rights over here.

 

[jasminejo24]

i would go to social services or your local citisens advice bereau

i think socal services will want to see his house if he wants to take baby there for visiting etc and they will see the holes in the walls etc.

i would speak to citisens advice or social services first before you decide anything as they will know what the + and - points are of having him on the birth certificate. if you are ever going to let him see you or your child again you should put your foot down about him getting anger manegement and counciling for months before he see's either of you and even then it should be in a visitors center.

dont let your little one grow up thinking this is how a daddy should be. find someone who will love and respect both of you

 

[qpaulina42]

You should probably get legal advice from someone specifically in your country. For me personally, I would want him out of my life and my baby's life completely and I would not be looking for any money/support even if I needed it - it's not safe/good for the kid to have him in their life. That's just my opinion.

 

[Rozz1e1]

You have to have him on the birth certificate hun to make sure he can pay maintenance etc, no he cant just take the baby without your permission, that is why you need to discuss this with your health visitor and family nurse bcos they will likely be aware of your circumstances as you have already said and have social services involved who can then inform police etc if and when neccessary. Social services arent bad and they are there to help and they will. Given his track record and your age etc its likely they are aware already so they can keep you and baby safe, this isnt derogatory to the ladies that arent from the uk but as in common with most places lol the us and other countries have completely different laws and regulations and governing bodies then we do in the uk xxx

If he's a 16 year old student, how will he be forced to pay child support?
And yes, must be different to here then as well, because here if you don't list him on the birth certificate, he has no rights at all and you have no obligation to actually list him at all. If you aren't married or living in a defacto relationship, then he ONLY has rights once his name is on that document. And if you do put his name on it, then he DOES have those rights over here.

Not immediately no, he wouldnt obv be able to pay child support, however for social services to be able to set up either contact in an access centre with supervised visits if that is what the op wants then his name needs to be on it and also if the police need to be involved in regards to having an injuction/restriction order placed on him they would require proof of biological father and first question asked would be "if he is father why is he not on birth certificate?"
Ultimately kidnap is kidnap in the country whether your a parent or not if there are things in place to prevent/restrict contact etc.
To the original poster, As iv said and others have said, when you first posted this you got the same responses as youv got now, talk to your health visitor/family nurse, only they know all the ins and the outs and can advise you properly, its none of our decisions as we can only offer opinions and you need professional advice from the peoplehelping with you particular situation xxx

 

[katsbump]

Get legal advice regarding putting him on certificate. Don't make the decision on your own - a lawyer will know the ins and outs of where you live. Look up free legal advice and see what's available - I have no idea but you need to have someone who knows advise you. Maybe ask community worker or social worker, whoever's involved, about how you can get professional advice about birth certificate. Obviously don't have him near the child or birth.

 

[Cassie96]

Thanks for all your advice, much appreciated x

 

[sue_88]

So, my questions are..
Do I have him at the birth or not?
What should I do about the birth certificate?
Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
Maintenance?
And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

Ps. Really sorry about how long it is :$

Hi :wave: I am single to, my ex-OH has not spoken to me since the day I found out I was pregnant - he upped and left that day and haven't seen him since so I have taken a long time to educate myself on everything.

Your questions:
Do I have him at the birth or not?
Absolutely NOT. You choose who you want there - and I personally would not want that violent man near me every again, never mind in a vulnerable position.

What should I do about the birth certificate?
You can leave it blank. As you are unmarried, he MUST be present at the registering of the birth to allow him name on the certificate. If he is not present - it is left blank. I am leaving that section blank. I will tell my little girl about her father when she grows up. If he is on the birth certificate, he will have parental rights.

Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
With him not being on the Birth Certificate he does not have joint parental responsibility therefore all visits must be on your terms. He can choose to take you to court (very costly) and a judge would likely grant supervised access IF he has proven he is not aggressive. No overnight stays until baby is old enough (if at all - he is clearly violent) especailly if you are breastfeeding.

Maintenance?
You can still claim maintenance through the CSA whether he is on the birth certificate or not. PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE!! He can dispute it but then a DNA test would be asked for to prove he is not the father - if he refuses DNA, he still has to pay.

And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

My only advice is never let someone who is so clearly a violent aggressive manipulative person near your child. He sounds like a monster.


Here is a link for you: https://www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_birth_certificates_and_changing_your_name_s/birth_certificates_scotland.htm

 

[Dani_Ldn]

Do you have a relationship with his parents at all?

I am so sorry you have to go through this & at such a young age, you are such a strong person, I doubt I could go through this alone & I am almost twice your age! It sounds like you have great support from your parents, so lean on them as much as you can.

Regarding the birth, I would not want a person like this around me when I am giving birth & re the birth cert, def speak to the CAB or a solicitor about this before doing anything & get all of your options available.

All the very best!