Story about me and dad-to-be, with some questions? Please help!

[Cassie96]

So, my questions are..
Do I have him at the birth or not?
What should I do about the birth certificate?
Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
Maintenance?
And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

Ps. Really sorry about how long it is :$

Hi :wave: I am single to, my ex-OH has not spoken to me since the day I found out I was pregnant - he upped and left that day and haven't seen him since so I have taken a long time to educate myself on everything.

Your questions:
Do I have him at the birth or not?
Absolutely NOT. You choose who you want there - and I personally would not want that violent man near me every again, never mind in a vulnerable position.

What should I do about the birth certificate?
You can leave it blank. As you are unmarried, he MUST be present at the registering of the birth to allow him name on the certificate. If he is not present - it is left blank. I am leaving that section blank. I will tell my little girl about her father when she grows up. If he is on the birth certificate, he will have parental rights.

Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
With him not being on the Birth Certificate he does not have joint parental responsibility therefore all visits must be on your terms. He can choose to take you to court (very costly) and a judge would likely grant supervised access IF he has proven he is not aggressive. No overnight stays until baby is old enough (if at all - he is clearly violent) especailly if you are breastfeeding.

Maintenance?
You can still claim maintenance through the CSA whether he is on the birth certificate or not. PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE!! He can dispute it but then a DNA test would be asked for to prove he is not the father - if he refuses DNA, he still has to pay.

And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

My only advice is never let someone who is so clearly a violent aggressive manipulative person near your child. He sounds like a monster.


Here is a link for you: https://www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_birth_certificates_and_changing_your_name_s/birth_certificates_scotland.htm

Thank you so much! This makes alot more sense, and as for him ever paying for anything to do with his child, it won't be done. He hasn't give me a penny and he wouldn't "waste" (as he would say) all that money taking me to cort for access or a DNA test.
And if he did, (as he has said before, he would go for full custardy) there's no way a judge would give him my child as he lives in a council house in a rough area, has no income, his whole family choose not to work and are on benefits, he has anger issues, has been involved with the police plenty of times and the biggest thing. He's currently at a behaviour school.
Where as I live in my parents own home, a stable home. My parents work very hard and are wealthy, and I used to work (although do not now due to pregnancy etc. but I will be returning when she's old enough), I've been brought up with the right behaviour and morals. And I've left high school with the best grades I could of possibly achieved. My child's school will be right down the road and there's local nurserys I can sign her up for whilst I'm working.
As for him having access, I'm giving him 2 weeks from the date of my baby's birth from what I will see how he responds, if he makes no effort to come see her and leaves everything down to me, it's very clear that his attitude towards his daughter is not good enough and i wont allow him to wonder in and out of her life when he chooses too. also yes, i will be breast feeding her.

 

[sue_88]

So, my questions are..
Do I have him at the birth or not?
What should I do about the birth certificate?
Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
Maintenance?
And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

Ps. Really sorry about how long it is :$

Hi :wave: I am single to, my ex-OH has not spoken to me since the day I found out I was pregnant - he upped and left that day and haven't seen him since so I have taken a long time to educate myself on everything.

Your questions:
Do I have him at the birth or not?
Absolutely NOT. You choose who you want there - and I personally would not want that violent man near me every again, never mind in a vulnerable position.

What should I do about the birth certificate?
You can leave it blank. As you are unmarried, he MUST be present at the registering of the birth to allow him name on the certificate. If he is not present - it is left blank. I am leaving that section blank. I will tell my little girl about her father when she grows up. If he is on the birth certificate, he will have parental rights.

Does anybody know who to get advice from when it comes to supervised visits etc.?
With him not being on the Birth Certificate he does not have joint parental responsibility therefore all visits must be on your terms. He can choose to take you to court (very costly) and a judge would likely grant supervised access IF he has proven he is not aggressive. No overnight stays until baby is old enough (if at all - he is clearly violent) especailly if you are breastfeeding.

Maintenance?
You can still claim maintenance through the CSA whether he is on the birth certificate or not. PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE!! He can dispute it but then a DNA test would be asked for to prove he is not the father - if he refuses DNA, he still has to pay.

And some general advice on all the rest of the stuff ?

My only advice is never let someone who is so clearly a violent aggressive manipulative person near your child. He sounds like a monster.


Here is a link for you: https://www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_birth_certificates_and_changing_your_name_s/birth_certificates_scotland.htm

Thank you so much! This makes alot more sense, and as for him ever paying for anything to do with his child, it won't be done. He hasn't give me a penny and he wouldn't "waste" (as he would say) all that money taking me to cort for access or a DNA test.
And if he did, (as he has said before, he would go for full custardy) there's no way a judge would give him my child as he lives in a council house in a rough area, has no income, his whole family choose not to work and are on benefits, he has anger issues, has been involved with the police plenty of times and the biggest thing. He's currently at a behaviour school.
Where as I live in my parents own home, a stable home. My parents work very hard and are wealthy, and I used to work (although do not now due to pregnancy etc. but I will be returning when she's old enough), I've been brought up with the right behaviour and morals. And I've left high school with the best grades I could of possibly achieved. My child's school will be right down the road and there's local nurserys I can sign her up for whilst I'm working.
As for him having access, I'm giving him 2 weeks from the date of my baby's birth from what I will see how he responds, if he makes no effort to come see her and leaves everything down to me, it's very clear that his attitude towards his daughter is not good enough and i wont allow him to wonder in and out of her life when he chooses too. also yes, i will be breast feeding her.

You've got a great head on your shoulders! and what sounds like a very supportive family. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and if he does eventually decide to try and get access you can dispute for as long as you see fit - you are the baby's mum!

My ex will also not contribute any money to my little girl - but I don't want or need it and he has no interest in being in her life, it's easier for me to just cut the ties and raise my little girl by myself with the support of my family.

I hope that she arrives soon for you & I am glad that I could have helped!

 

[Cassie96]

Do you have a relationship with his parents at all?

I am so sorry you have to go through this & at such a young age, you are such a strong person, I doubt I could go through this alone & I am almost twice your age! It sounds like you have great support from your parents, so lean on them as much as you can.

Regarding the birth, I would not want a person like this around me when I am giving birth & re the birth cert, def speak to the CAB or a solicitor about this before doing anything & get all of your options available.

All the very best!

No, ive never met his dad and he doesn't have much contact with his dad due to him beating his mother up whilst pregnant etc. and his mother has made no contact with me since I left him in November. None of his family have ever given me any support or offered to help with anything, including the financial part. I've had to buy everything with help from my parents. His mum tells him stupid stuff like 'even if she makes you pay maintenance you'll only have to pay like £5' and 'you won't need to pay if your not on the birth certificate'
I've never asked him for money and probably won't be applying for maintenance but its not that, that's pissing me off. It's the fact they haven't even offered and just expect me to pay for it all because I come from a wealthy background.
To be honest I've always got the feeling they didn't like me due to several things that have happened whilst I've been in there house (not feeding me if I was sleeping there so I'd have to go to a local shop to get a sandwich for my tea, chain smoking in the front room whilst I was there etc.)
So you can see my point.

 

[Dani_Ldn]

You & your baby are better off without them hon, this baby will no doubt have a much better life without any of them in it.

x