Struggling to make friends at school - help

[LuluBee]

I really need some advice - my son has just started school and is in a small single form entry school where his cousin is in the same class. She's much more outgoing than him and I'd noticed she has already made lots of friends. I look after them both the majority if the time as my sister has a long commute to work and works full time.

Recently I've been watching them both play with children in their class - on the walking bus, before school and on a play date. As soon as another child is around, his cousin makes pretty much constant physical contact with that child - holding their hand, cuddling them etc she then ignores Alwx and if he suggests doing anything she says to the other child "we don't like doing that do we", she then goes on to moan to the child that Alex is annoying her - basically it feels like she's playing the other child off against Alex.

I don't know what to do, Alex thinks she is his best friend and hangs around her all the time, so seems to be constantly being treated like this. He knows something isn't right because he's talking about how he doesn't enjoy the play dates we have etc but when I try and talk more about it he just clams up - he is only 4. My instinct is to tell my sister what Ava is doing and that if she doesn't stop I can't keep looking after her, but I feel awful saying that as she really relies on me. Any advice????

 

[daneuse27]

I'm just peeking over from toddler forum and don't have much experience with parenting older kids - but I feel for your son and don't believe this current situation is fair to him. I don't think it would work to force your niece to hang around him at school or include him among her friends - ONLY because, from prior experience I believe that could lead to her resenting him and treating him as a burden - plus, your son isn't stupid, he would pick up on that it isn't happening naturally. However, she definitely needs to learn that its completely unacceptable to be saying unpleasant things about him at school. I think you should definitely be open to your sister about what is going on. This could be an important learning opportunity for your niece. Your sister could sit down with her and explain that she is hurting her cousin and not being nice to him; she should only say nice things about him at school because they are family and always will be. After the talk, you can monitor and see if its made any difference - you could both talk to the teacher as well maybe to get feedback on if they are getting along at school.

If after being talked to, there is no improvement in your niece's treatment of your son, then maybe tell your sister that she is continuing to speak poorly of him and you may not be able to continue having her over all of the time if it doesn't stop (this would give your sister another chance to talk to her again, this time maybe more sternly and say that she is not to treat him badly anymore.) Hopefully it never comes to that. I really hope that they learn to play together soon. I'm a student teacher and have been working in a grade 1 class (6 years old -same age as your son and niece I believe) and there are two cousins; boy and girl in the class. The boy actually has some behavioural problems and acts out a lot, but never have I seen the two not getting along or treating eachother badly. Kids just need to learn acceptance and tolerance of other kids, so hopefully your sister can cooperate and start trying to teach her daughter this at home.

 

[RachA]

Firstly, in my experience, girls tend to make friends easier than boys. Although quite often these friendships are either totally exclusive or change all the time.

I think that it's unreasonable to expect your niece to play with your son exclusively (I'm not saying that's what you are expecting). The two children have both been given a whole new set of peers to play with. It's obvious that your niece is going to want to make new friends, especially as she will still see your son outside of school anyway.

The way I would tackle it would be by talking to my son and explain that cousin wants to make other friends for while she is at school and therefore it would be best if son tries to make other friends and not try to play with cousin all the time.
I would then speak to my sister and say what's happened and what I've said to my son. And then I would ask her to just mention to her daughter that she needs to find a nicer way of telling her cousin she doesn't want to play.

Rather than expecting the onus to be on your niece I think it needs to be your son that moves away. There are always going to be issues with friendships at school and the way I see it is that if a child a horrible then you move away from them and find someone who wants your friendship.

 

[LuluBee]

Thank you both, I would never want the two of them to play exclusively with each other and had spoken to their teacher at the start of the term to request that wherever possible they were encouraged to play with other children and form their own friendships. It's lovely that they are cousins and in an ideal world I would hope they would always have a special bond, but I would never want either of them to be tethered to the other.

I am trying to explain to Alex that he needs to be a bit more independent, shall speak to my sister because I think my niece's behaviour should be challenged and will ask their teacher to reinforce encouraging Alex to be a bit more independent. I just feel so sad for him because he's such a lovely little boy he deserves to have some friends

 

[karlilay]

It's so hard. My nephew and Madi are in the same class Too, they are also together out of school constantly, but they tend not to both with each other.
Madi has been struggling with friends at the school, but we recently went to a birthday party and I was there to help and encourage her to talk to a couple of the girls. She has been a bit better since then.

I would also have a word with the teacher. Madis teacher is very understanding of how difficult she can't ind it to approach the other children, and has been pairing her up with some of the girls etc, and keeping an extra eye on her.

 

[JASMAK]

If any child was saying things meanly, such as someone is annoying....I would speak to them then and there. She may be doing it because it is working for her. My kids don't get along with their cousins at all. My sister and I are twins, and we both have three kids, so we were bummed about it. But, in reality...they are like siblings and have a sibling rivalry going on. If you are in care of your niece, you should be telling her the behaviour you expect to see. If it continues, then I would bring your sister in it. But be careful....it can be a touchy subject!