Super clingy toddler during separation/divorce. What to do??

[tripleccc]

This is long, sorry. I was a stay at home mom for a year and a half and have always have a very close bond with my daughter, who is now 21 months. My husband and I separated 5 months ago and have been sharing 50/50 custody. It’s been hard for me, but I feel like it is really hard for my daughter.

In the very beginning, she seemed okay. It seems to be getting worse the past 4 months and just recently this last month. My daughter only wants me.
She’s so excited to see me, even if it has only been two days since we have been apart. One time I went to pick her up over there and I went to the trash can to throw something away, she had a fit because she couldn’t see me. If the 3 of us go out to eat, she only wants to sit on my lap. My husband is currently living at his mom’s and I am at my mom’s. I have reason to believe he is not the one waking up with her and being the primary caretaker. I think he lets his mom totally take over (she’s like that).

So anyway, when my daughter stays with me I can’t be out of her sight for a second without her running around the house crying and saying “Mommy? Mommyyyy?” She won’t even let me go to the bathroom without banging on the door and crying. She wants me to hold her all the time. A couple times I have gone to leave to the store, she will hold onto my leg or grab my hand and pull me away from the door. When I put her to bed, she will wrap her arms around my neck like she never wants to let go. Lately, when she goes to sleep she will wake up randomly and yell out “Mommy!” over and over throughout the night. It breaks my heart.

I don’t know what to do. I get scared that she thinks I am going to abandon her or something. She’s always so terrified of me leaving. What do you ladies think the reason is and what can I do to help her?

 

[noon_child]

I think this is to be expected. Her entire view of the world, how it works, what is solid and safe has been turned upside down. She's terrified you will leave because your husband did leave, and for half the time now she doesn't see you. She's too young to really understand how long you will be apart even if you've told her over and over "I'll see you in two days". Two days is a long time for a child. I think that the best thing you can do is try to manage your own stress around her clinginess because expecting her to be less clingy is too much right now, she's going to melt down about separation and grab and hold you and you need to let her, because you need to show her that you are a solid, a constant, no matter what.

I think we often underestimate the effect these things have on kids. My daughter is 8 and for the past 5 years her dad has had a job that means he works away for a few days every few weeks. Outwardly you wouldn't think it bothers her, she doesn't cry when he leaves, or ask after him too much, but her behaviour definitely changes. She has more bad dreams the first night he is away, she pushes boundaries a little more and is just that little bit more sensitive to things not going how she wants. She's 8 and she's used to it and it still affects her.

I don't know the history of why you and your partner split but, if it is safe to do so, is it possible to arrange some activities/days where you come together as a family again (rather than she's either wth you OR him). Your separation is about the romantic relationship between you and him, but you are always going to be family as you have a daughter together and whenever possible it's easier on kids when their parents can be friends and can share important events such as holiday times and Birthdays. You and he have a lot of work still to come learning how to parent together even if you don't live and love together.

 

[laura109]

This is normal behaviour. You are her world and her safety. She's already experienced lots of change. She's only a baby still and all babies have the strongest bond with mum unless someone else such as dad does most the care etc. When she stays with her daddy she will be naturally missing mum. It's too hard for her to understand why she's got to be away from you. She will learn and understand things as the months and years go on. You just have to be patient with her. It is hard and I feel for you. It's not easy when they are clingy and you can't get things done. Just reassure her and ride it out. Xx

 

[tripleccc]

I think this is to be expected. Her entire view of the world, how it works, what is solid and safe has been turned upside down. She's terrified you will leave because your husband did leave, and for half the time now she doesn't see you. She's too young to really understand how long you will be apart even if you've told her over and over "I'll see you in two days". Two days is a long time for a child. I think that the best thing you can do is try to manage your own stress around her clinginess because expecting her to be less clingy is too much right now, she's going to melt down about separation and grab and hold you and you need to let her, because you need to show her that you are a solid, a constant, no matter what.

I think we often underestimate the effect these things have on kids. My daughter is 8 and for the past 5 years her dad has had a job that means he works away for a few days every few weeks. Outwardly you wouldn't think it bothers her, she doesn't cry when he leaves, or ask after him too much, but her behaviour definitely changes. She has more bad dreams the first night he is away, she pushes boundaries a little more and is just that little bit more sensitive to things not going how she wants. She's 8 and she's used to it and it still affects her.

I don't know the history of why you and your partner split but, if it is safe to do so, is it possible to arrange some activities/days where you come together as a family again (rather than she's either wth you OR him). Your separation is about the romantic relationship between you and him, but you are always going to be family as you have a daughter together and whenever possible it's easier on kids when their parents can be friends and can share important events such as holiday times and Birthdays. You and he have a lot of work still to come learning how to parent together even if you don't live and love together.

In the beginning, we were getting together once a week as a family and then he stopped wanting to. I have mentioned it many times that we should do it again, because it is good for her to have that family time. I do let her be clingy, I just feel bad that she is scared I’m going to leave all the time. I want to be that stable and constant person in her life, but I don’t know how to help her and it breaks my heart.

 

[Hickory]

There have been some great posts with excellent insight. I don't have anything better to add to what has been said, but can offer my personal experience in a somewhat similar situation.

I am a stepmom married to a man who co-parents beautifully with his ex-wife. She also remarried, and both being military families, we rarely are located close enough for frequent visits. They separated when their son was 3, shortly after my husband returned from deployment. It was hard for everybody, but the one my stepson got clingy with was daddy. Mommy was always there, and it was very hard on my stepson every time he had to say goodbye to daddy. When he was four, my husband brought him back to mommy's after a week or two together and my stepson would not even acknowledge his mom. He clung to daddy and wouldn't look at her. At the time, it hurt her feelings so badly (she is really a fantastic mom and they are very close) - but we believe that embracing her meant saying goodbye to daddy, and that was out he dealt with those feelings.

As your daughter gets older, she is likely going to express her feelings in confusing or unusual ways. We found that keeping an open and honest dialog helped, and really encouraged my stepson to verbalize what he thought and felt along the way. Even getting a word or two out of him helped us help him. The clingy behavior with daddy is still strong in person, but now instead of climbing all over him, my stepson is starting to share interests and activities with daddy and I think that is a great outlet.

It never gets easier, but he understands as well as an 8 year old can. Goodbyes are almost harder - which is very sad to watch - but we try to live in the moment with him and bridge the physical absences with facetime, phone calls, and snail mail.

As far as getting together as a family, it could be too hard for your partner to deal with right now. Men process things in different ways and often on different timelines than we do. I know that after my husband's ex-wife left, he held out hope that they would get back together and his feelings were still quite raw even after we started dating. It was hard for him when she remarried (even though we got married three weeks prior) and feelings were stirred up again when she had a baby with her new husband. He always put his son first, however, and eventually doing things as a blended family became normal and now we all love getting together.

Perhaps your partner just needs more time - I hope he comes around!

 

[limenavy]

I am so sorry you are dealing with separation…so so hard. Sounds to me like you love your daughter and that is what she needs most. Does she have a stuffed toy or special blanky she could take with her everywhere? I have one child who had separation anxiety and his blanky was the only thing that would calm him down, even if I was just putting him in the cart at the grocery store. He's school-age now, but still needs a special blanky for sleeping and sometimes for when he's feeling insecure about something. It takes time, but consistency helps our children feel stable and secure. Hang in there... Do you have some people around you that you could reach out to? Or a support group? Don't forget to take care of yourself, too! I found some great resources if you're interested. Let me know and I'll share. Prayers for you and your family.

 

[DobbyForever]

Just wanted to say these ladies explained it nicely.

My ex and I separated when our son was four months. He barely sees him, and when he does the a** doesn’t take care of him. As a result, I have a very clingy son. Similar to you. I have to be arms reach at all times.

His pediatric psychologist says that you just have to give in. Letting her cry it out will only make the situation worse. So as taxing as it may be, you have to respond to her needs. Over time, it will get easier as she learns to communicate and process the situation. But for now, let her cling.

The only time I was told to ignore him was a clear tantrum over being told no or daycare. Once he became comfortable with the ladies there, he doesn’t even look back at me now lol.

I also mentioned he is much clingier to me at home vs my mom’s, and she explained that at home he knows he only has me. But at daycare or grandma’s he has multiple caretakers. So he feels more secure and explorative there.