Tantrums at 16 months old

[k4th]

I'm feeling totally exhausted and just looking for any tips anyone has.

Ds is 16 months old. He understands simple commands well and can use some single words and signs to make his needs known.

He's going through a phase of wanting to be in charge of everything & is trying to assert himself. So he'll only eat at mealtimes if he chooses where to sit (I.e. Not in his high chair). He wants anything his sister is holding and will snatch. He doesn't want to be put down. He doesn't want to wait. He doesn't want his coat on. The list is endless.

I remember his from dd & I know it's part of his age's development. He's in his last wonder week and it's all about being in control. But it is literally driving me insane!!!

His tantrums are epic! Screaming, kicking & crying for up to 20 minutes. He can't get himself out of being so emotionally distraught and will come for cuddles and will calm down when he's ready. But (with him being my second) I can't always wait for that and have places to be!!! E.g. Doing the school run, getting to work etc.

Any tips to help him not have so many tantrums? Or calm down faster?

Anyone else going though this phase??? Feel emotionally drained by it today

 

[lau86]

My dd is only one but is very feisty!!! She will have tantrums because she doesn't want to change her nappy, wants to use a spoon but can't, doesn't want to sit in the car seat etc. I forgot how awful it is trying to distract a little baby who doesn't really understand. The Christmas tree is an absolute nightmare!!

 

[aj2124]

What happens when you try to comfort him at the beginning of his tantrum instead of waiting for him to come to you? Usually with my daughter, I let her calm down on her own and come to me when we are at home. That doesn't always work in public so I'm just curious if he is responsive if you use the same calming techniques right away?

 

[k4th]

Thanks lau- good to know I'm not alone. I forgot how hard this is too!!

Aj- if I spot his tantrum signs early enough I can sometimes calm him by picking him up and walking around talking to him quietly. But this isn't always practical and I don't always catch it at this point. Once the tantrum has started - any interaction just tips him over the edge. Looking at him, talking or trying to hold/cuddle him results in a major escalation. Plus, if he's calming down and I approach him before he's ready to come round, he just starts right up again.

 

[BlingyGal]

I feel your pain. In fact, I'm pretty sure your son and my daughter have been on the phone to each other plotting against us.

I don't have much advice. The only thing that works is responding IMMEDIATELY before the tantrum gets out of control. But as you said, that is not always possible or practical.

My daughter is almost 19 months and has been in this phase for 2-3 months, she is just starting to come out of it now (finally sitting in her booster seat for at least 5-10 minutes of the meal).

One thing that seems to help me a bit, at least when I'm in the kitchen, is I've turned one of my cupboards into her snack storage - the cupboard is at her level so she can help herself. Her cereal, raisins etc are in this little cupboard. She enjoys open and closing it, pulling out the snacks and having a 'choice' that she's totally in control of. Surprisingly, she hardly ever wants to eat any of it - like you said, it's all about control. Maybe I should also get a mini fridge for her - she's obsessed with opening the fridge and choosing what she wants out of it (and then of course not eating any of it).

 

[k4th]

Thank you so much blingygal!! So good to know it's not just me!!

Tonight's tantrum was that he DID want to sit in his booster seat - but not unless his big sister was sitting next to him. And seeing as she was still at after school club

 

[k4th]

And the snack cupboard is a good idea. I'm wondering if I can set up something similar with little activities in... because he would eat everything!! R wants to eat, just not where he's supposed to!

 

[JumpingIn]

Oh I'm right there with you lovely! But reassurance- It's 10 times better now at 18 months than it was 2 months ago. We've found our groove.

Top tips:
1. Look after yourself and accept any help you can get. I know it's the last thing on your mind, but as soon as the babies are down you need to eat a super healthy meal, have a bath, read a book, whatever you need to feel slightly human after a day of screaming
2. When the screaming has passed the point of no return, if you have time, lie down on the floor next to the screaming being and occasionally offer something like 'I know, you're really sad'. Do not try to reason with the screaming being until they've calmed down. If you feel stressed or angry, leave temporarily and get on with some housework. He'll be OK
3. When the storm has passed, say something like 'that didn't seem like much fun for you, and it certainly wasn't fun for me. It's hard when you scream. Maybe next time we could try asking or showing me what you want/telling me yule tired/saying you're mad/whatever
4. Do not expect results from this. It takes months and as you rightly pointed out it's a well known developmental stage from hell
5. Remember we've all been there to some degree and got through it
6. Remember that it's not about manipulating you or being naughty. It's hard being so little and wanting to be big, and it's hard not to scream and shout when you dint know how else to regulate emotion
7. Make a mental note of each tantrum that happens. For each one that day, give yourself a special treat. I'm not kidding. Once at 16 months my son had them nonstop all day so I spent the evening colouring and drinking hot chocolate. Yes!
8. If they're really getting out of hand, make a behaviour diary. What happened directly before the behaviour? What was the behaviour and how long did it last? How did you respond? Looking back over this diary helped me to figure out a lot of things, like that he wants to reach the sink himself and is embarrassed when I have to lift him. So we bought a stool
9. You have an older child so you'd have to actually be superwoman to implement all this stuff. Be kind to yourself when you're just too busy to offer empathy to your screaming toddler. He's generally well loved and kids are resilient

Here if you ever need a friend going through the same pain! My son's have lasted over an hour on quite a regular basis

 

[k4th]

Thanks so much for this kind and thoughtful response jumping! I like points 4 & 7 in particular!! I know I survived this with dd & I know I'll get though it again... but my goodness it's challenging. And exhausting.

I'm feeling in a much better place today - partly just knowing I'm not alone! Also partly remembering that I need to give control to get it back... so far I have set up

1) a choice of where to sit at the table. I've put two booster seats out. He thinks he's in charge... I win because he's at the table.
2) he can choose his snack from a set place where I lay out two choices. He thinks he's in charge - he eats one of the healthy choices so I win.
3) he wants to choose colouring with felt tips not crayons so I covered the table in wrapping paper (wring side up) so he can draw with them anywhere. He chose felt tips - my things aren't ruined.


Nappy change is still a nightmare - although he's started pulling at his nappy every time he wees/poops. I'm wondering if he hates nappy changes so much he might like to try sitting in a potty occasionally. I can't think of any other choices here - needs must!!

Putting his coat on causes an epic meltdown. It's wondered for goodness sake!! And he had horrible eczema so he had to have a coat on. He screams even if I offer a choice of coats or a choice of coat vs thick jumper. Again - I can't think of any changes I can make except waiting for spring.

Finally - meltdowns happen when I don't understand him. He mutters something, I say "I want (insert a random guess)" cue shaking head & meltdown. We're doing signing to help with this - sometimesnit helps and sometimes it doesn't. Guess I just have to persist.