Teenage Sister Pregnant While I'm Struggling: How to Deal with Emotions?

[Robynxo]

UPDATED PAGE 2.

CAUTION: There may be some triggering content ahead for certain individuals.

I am just a mess in the last day or so.

I will try to make it as short as possible. I am in my early 20's and I have PCOS and have been unsuccessfully TTC/NTNP for about 3 to 4 years.

I have a younger sister, whom I used to be really close to, until she hit her teens. Then she picked up a life of some drugs, drinking, partying, boyfriends, etc. We became opposites. I wanted to settle down with my high school sweetheart and (hopefully) someday become a SAHM. I don't really know her plans, but I know settling down isn't one of them.

She is very irresponsible, doing things from crashing multiple vehicles to stealing. She recently costed my mother 30k in a lawsuit because she let her friend drive her car drunk, and he totaled it. The court ruled that the blame was on my mother, instead of the group of drunk, underage kids or the driver's mother. This is one of the many reasons we drifted apart, as I do have some bitter emotion for how careless of other people she is, and she is bitter at me for being bitter at her. We don't really talk, I try to be courteous to her, but she always has some bad blood with me no matter what.

I just found out yesterday morning from my mother that my 18 year old sister is 6 months pregnant. She only confided in me this because my sister's boyfriend is acting completely inappropriate and she couldn't explain the situation without the major detail of her pregnancy. My mother was the only one who knew before she told me. Immediately, I was crushed and sobbing.

My sister doesn't want the baby. She went in for an abortion but didn't know how far along she was. They told her they would not do an abortion at 6 months, so she is considering adoption.

She also said she doesn't want to let my mother take care of him or her, because she is apparently afraid I will end up taking care of her baby. This would be extremely possible considering my mother and I are close and I do so much for my mother's household. I basically run her house for her (she is a very busy woman, long story short. I don't mind it), so I can see why she would believe I would end up taking care of the baby.

Of course, this is all my sister's decision. I have not tried to turn the outcome either way, especially since my sister doesn't know that I know.



Anyway, this is what I have been going through. I'm not sure how to deal with the emotions I have. I'm jealous, angry, depressed, and secretly excited for the baby all at once. How do you deal with others sharing their good (or bad) news when you've been struggling with TTC? I was fine and hopeful before I found out, and now I'm crushed. I was supposed to have my mother's first grandchild. I know it's a selfish thought, but I am so crushed by the news and don't know what to do. I guess I just needed to vent to you ladies. I know how some outside perspective can clear things up.

 

[xarlenex]

I have no advice, and there probably isn't a right thing to say either, I didn't want to read and run xx

 

[Robynxo]

Thank you, xarlenex. I don't know if there is anything to say either, to be honest. It's a sticky situation for all. But thank you again for the comment.

 

[krissie328]

Big hugs hun! It took us 8.5 years to get pregnant with our first. Those years were incredibly painful and I couldn't imagine how heartbreaking it would have been to experience what you are going through.

Even now I sometimes look at people and wonder why they got it so easy when they don't seem to have anything going for them. It just hurts and it really sucks.

My best suggestion would probably be to seek out some counseling. I did 5 ish months of CBT and really found it helped when we were struggling ttc #2.

 

[Robynxo]

I have definitely been considering it lately, krissie.

I feel a lot of happiness that you finally got your babies. How wonderful for you. I'm hoping my story has that happy ending too.

Thank you for the comment, it helps so much.

 

[MKaykes]

What a horrible situation! It feels so unfair when someone who doesn't want to have a baby gets that gift when you've been wanting it for so long.

It doesn't sound like it, but if your sister was okay with you adopting the baby, would you consider that?

I hope your family gets through this. My sister has had 3 unplanned, non ideal pregnancies (long before I was TTC) but even looking back on our experiences I feel it is unfair, so I can't imagine it staring me straight in the face!

 

[Robynxo]

MKaykes, we have considered it and it was suggested by my mother as well. As of right now, my sister has agreed to keep her baby and she plans on moving into the state to be close to my mother. She is staying with her boyfriend too, which is a bit difficult but a whole different bad situation. She has all the support in the world, with or without the fathers help. But she is very back and forth and has always said she would move near us and be close with family but always going running back to our home state to be around friends. If it ever came to it, I would do anything to keep the baby in the family, including paying all adoption fees and changing my whole life around for him or her. It's a very unlikely possibility, but as long as she's trying and being more responsible, I'm definitely okay with her being the mother and honestly prefer it if it turns her life around.

Thanks for the comment, and I hear you on the unfairness. It's no fun to have to deal with your relatives not wanting their children when it's the only thing you want in the world. My mom was the same way, and each pregnancy was in a not so ideal situation with an abusive man, just like my sister. It's stirs up a lot of negative feelings in me and I don't mean it to or want it to, but I know that my mother loves all of her children more than anything and even though she never thought about kids when she had us, she would never change a thing. I'm hoping my sister feels the same when she finally meets her baby, and understands what a miracle she is going through.

 

[agse]

I am so sorry you are going through this! What a tough situation and I completely understand why you would have the emotions you have! I'm guessing it doesn't seem fair. I'm sorry that your relationship with your sister is declining! It sounds like she has made a lot of mistakes to hurt the family! I know how hard it is to reach out to others when we feel like they don't deserve it due to their behavior. It's easier to hold grudges and stay away! It sounds like you really want this baby to be part of your family..deep down. As tough as this situation is, do you think you could use it as an opportunity to reach out to your sister and mend the broken relationship? Reach out to her in love..even if she doesn't reciprocate? I can only imagine she is probably pretty scared about this whole thing and as much as she is fighting against her family, maybe what she really needs is love and support. She may fight against it...but this could be a good thing to bring your family relationships back together. Sometimes the toughest situations are the ones where healing can take place if we are willing to reach out and put aside our own feelings. And in this situation, ultimately, the baby is the one that needs to be thought about the most! Just some thoughts! Best of luck to you! I don't know your spiritual beliefs but I will be praying for you and your family!

 

[Robynxo]

Hi asge,

Thank your for your prayers. We don't know much about the overall health of the baby so it is much needed. She has had one ultrasound, and I hope she will go see a doctor to rule out any issues, considering she drank a lot early on. We just want some peace of mind with that.

As for reaching out, it has been on my mind lately. I am going to try my hardest, I'm no good at emotional things, but I'm trying put that aside. She just got to my mothers' in the past hour, and I am terrified to see her. I get very emotional in the presence of pregnant ladies or children these days. It's not a fun way to live because I love being around kids! We shall see. I'm praying for peace as well.

 

[xMissxZoiex]

Big hugs, Don't think there is a right answer for you.

I had big struggles TTC too, we had been TTC for years and were going though a miscarriage when someone close to me fell pregnant and they struggled with the early months so I was having the baby every other weekend and it was hard!, a few years later we were going though IVF and they announced they were pregnant while we were midcycle and it almost killed me. Our IVF was successful but our son was stillborn and they had a son around the same time it was incredibly hard.

I think its important to remember that your sister being pregnant isn't affecting your chances. Maybe your sister is in need of support right now, try reaching out to her and I know its so hard to put your feelings to one side but even though your not close anymore I'm sure you could offer her support she is about to have her entire world changed, if she keeps the baby or puts it up for adoption this is about to be traumatic for her.

Big hugs hunny I know what your going though

 

[ToriTami]

A few months ago, I found out that my little brother was unexpectedly having his first child. I was happy for him, but a bit let down for me also. Just 2 weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant too. Unfortunately I had a d&c at 8 weeks. It sucks, and there is no right way to feel. I get the feeling that some people in my family think that it should be me instead of him, and that complicated my emotions a bit more.

My hubby's family has an army of kids, and I'm fine being around them. But during the holidays, seeing how good he is with his baby nephews really made me feel like s**t.

It sucks to struggle with infertility, but we have to press on.

 

[Babybum35]

Hi. I can relate in a coiple ways to both people involved. I had been with my husband 10 years or so when we were ttc my dd. In that time one of my coworkers got pregnant and it was really hard on me cause she wasn't trying nor were they really wanting a kid. They weren't even married so I felt like why not me. I got gregnant a few months after her delivery but it sucked. Now we are ttc no 2 while still regularly bf so we haven't had much luck even with regular cycles...apparently even if you ovulate bf your lining doesn't build up enough to implant so who knows how long it will take. This time around my bosses wife got pregnant with their no 3 no trying close to 40 or 45 is and the dad doesn't like babies and didn't want it.it's hard when you hear about stuff like suprise or unwanted pregnancies when you are trying so hard to get pregnant you could and often do scream.
That said in some ways I am your sister. I was 31 when delivering dd so not in age or desire to have a baby but when I was first getting pregnant my husband lost his job and couldn't find another and we got evicted when I was 8 months pregnant on to of our only working car breaking down about then too. So it was not an ideal situation. I didn't know but a couple years prior to my pregnancy my sister had an etopic pregnancy and lost the tube and hadn't been able to get pregnant since so it was hard for her that I got pregnant. We also don't have a good relationship so in some ways I wish becoming pregnant had changed that. She doesn't really see my dad except for family gatherings and it's really hard on me that we don't have a relationship. I obviously don't know how to fix it as when you live so long in that area of resentment and blame it's hard to get over it and let it go. I guess my point is that your sister can't control her circumstances anymore than you can and if at all possible you should force your involvement. Show her she can rely on you and that you want to be in her life. I wish my mom and sister had done that for me....

 

[tankel]

I have no real advice. I just didn't want to read and run. I do agree that hearing about unwanted pregnancies, and sometime wanted pregnancies, sucks when you are TTC and see month after month of bfns.

 

[Robynxo]

A few months ago, I found out that my little brother was unexpectedly having his first child. I was happy for him, but a bit let down for me also. Just 2 weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant too. Unfortunately I had a d&c at 8 weeks. It sucks, and there is no right way to feel. I get the feeling that some people in my family think that it should be me instead of him, and that complicated my emotions a bit more.

My hubby's family has an army of kids, and I'm fine being around them. But during the holidays, seeing how good he is with his baby nephews really made me feel like s**t.

It sucks to struggle with infertility, but we have to press on.

That is so me on holidays, no matter who I see. They always seem so bleak and pointless without children around.

I totally get what you're feeling. My family felt it should be me too... I guess our time will come one day. Not a fun thing to say, and it's not necessarily fair either... but something we have to live with I guess.

Hi. I can relate in a coiple ways to both people involved. I had been with my husband 10 years or so when we were ttc my dd. In that time one of my coworkers got pregnant and it was really hard on me cause she wasn't trying nor were they really wanting a kid. They weren't even married so I felt like why not me. I got gregnant a few months after her delivery but it sucked. Now we are ttc no 2 while still regularly bf so we haven't had much luck even with regular cycles...apparently even if you ovulate bf your lining doesn't build up enough to implant so who knows how long it will take. This time around my bosses wife got pregnant with their no 3 no trying close to 40 or 45 is and the dad doesn't like babies and didn't want it.it's hard when you hear about stuff like suprise or unwanted pregnancies when you are trying so hard to get pregnant you could and often do scream.
That said in some ways I am your sister. I was 31 when delivering dd so not in age or desire to have a baby but when I was first getting pregnant my husband lost his job and couldn't find another and we got evicted when I was 8 months pregnant on to of our only working car breaking down about then too. So it was not an ideal situation. I didn't know but a couple years prior to my pregnancy my sister had an etopic pregnancy and lost the tube and hadn't been able to get pregnant since so it was hard for her that I got pregnant. We also don't have a good relationship so in some ways I wish becoming pregnant had changed that. She doesn't really see my dad except for family gatherings and it's really hard on me that we don't have a relationship. I obviously don't know how to fix it as when you live so long in that area of resentment and blame it's hard to get over it and let it go. I guess my point is that your sister can't control her circumstances anymore than you can and if at all possible you should force your involvement. Show her she can rely on you and that you want to be in her life. I wish my mom and sister had done that for me....

I'm sorry to hear that you weren't supported. I know how the resentment builds up over the years. I am definitely not going to let my struggles stop me from caring about my sister or my niece/nephew, it's just a question of how to get over the jealousy and sadness. She showed us her tummy the other day and I nearly cried. I think pregnant bellies are so beautiful.

Thank you for your story. I'm sorry you had to go through that though. Helps me see her side from a real perspective.

I have no real advice. I just didn't want to read and run. I do agree that hearing about unwanted pregnancies, and sometime wanted pregnancies, sucks when you are TTC and see month after month of bfns.

Yeah, seeing ANY pregnancy makes me sad lol! But I get what you mean about unwanted ones. I guess when you want something so much you'd give your limbs for it, you just can't understand how someone would just give it away. Ah, well, it's not my choice, so I don't even try to explain that to anyone. Anyway, thank you for the comment.

 

[Flueky88]

I'm sorry for your struggles. It's so hard when you want something so bad and it's not happening. I think the thought of it may never happen was the most soul crushing. DH tried to help me have a more positive outlook that it would happen. He was right, we ttc for 18 months and blessed with our DD. I hope you are blessed soon too. As far as dealing with the jealousy, I really don't have advice. The only pregnancy I dealt with during my ttc journey was SIL, it was at the start of ttc when I was more hopeful.

Other than that it was feeling jealous of the other girls in the monthly testing threads. I was happy for them but also do jealous that it wasn't me.

I'm not sure how is handle it in your situation, but I think our been given sound advice already. I'm sure she is petrified and her life is being changed in a huge way in which she hadn't envisioned. Hormones can really wreck your emotions while pregnant too.

I hope that you get pregnant soon and you can have a better relationship with your sister.

 

[Robynxo]

Hey ladies. I thought I would update my situation.

My nephew was born about a week or two ago. He’s very beautiful and healthy. I adore him. I’m still not pregnant but hopeful.

My sister and I have gotten along better. We’re not best friends, maybe not even friends, but we chat and sometimes go out as a group and we’re civil.

She lives with my mom, who is now tasked with her very busy (at home) career and watching her grandchild for many hours a day. I worry she may have troubles with her employer since she is taking a lot of time off to watch the baby for my sister. My sister and her boyfriend, however, sleep a lot and don’t have jobs. My mother wants me to come over for about 6 hours a day and watch the baby to help (which I have been for the most part). However, my personal life has now been unorganized and slacking because I’ve been spending too much time watching the baby so my mom can work.

It’s a whole new can of worms. I love the baby and my mom, so I do it for their sake, but I want more time at my own home. I don’t think I’d want to be at their house daily even if they paid me. I’d watch the baby at my house but my sister isn’t too keen on it. I don’t have a traditional job as I’m trying to start a small business so my hours are flexible but I haven’t done any work since the baby was born.

I’m trying to help. And my pregnancy envy has gone away since he was born. But now I’m just sad. I want to help, but I also want them to take care of their own child.

Anyway, wishing you ladies the best. Thank you again for your comments in a dark time of mine.

 

[mummy.1987]

bless u, i do know how u feel (im guessing alot of us TTC do) i do however have 3 lovely kids ages 8,7 and nearly 6, but me and my now husband have been TTC for a year, hs not the biological dad of my other 3, but they all do share the same dad, and even with my 3 kids i also feel jealous of pregnant people, my best mate recenitly had a baby and once she told me she was pregnant i just stopped talking to her, it was to difficult i guess i just wanted to say, keep trying and ur time will come hopefully soon for u, and im here for u if u ever want to chat, just pm me, big hugs x

 

[Dill]

That sounds very difficult. I'm not sure I understand why other family members (you and your mom) are stuck caring for the baby when neither of the parents has a job to keep them from doing it themselves?

 

[Robynxo]

Well, to answer your question, Dill...

My mother doesn’t want my sister to run off with her boyfriend. She wants to be able to see her daughter and grandson. If my mom does anything to upset my sister or her boyfriend (like make sure they’re responsible), they say they want to move back out of state with the baby. Her boyfriend is also pretty manipulative. He wants to move out of state to party with friends and I’m sure my sister misses that too. So my mom is careful with what she says around her to keep her happy.

Which ultimately means that my mom and my other sisters all help with the baby so my sister doesn’t get upset or stressed.

I just feel bad for my mom... But I can’t do anything or stand up for her because I know that they will all end up angry at me instead.

 

[Dill]

That's terrible! They are using the baby as a bargaining chip, and that's not okay. I have a sister who has done the same thing to my parents in the past. My parents ended up calling her bluff. She needs their help with childcare too much to go through with hauling the kids off somewhere else.

I know you don't want to upset your mom, or risk upsetting your (lazy) sister for fear of things ending up badly, but you also can't let them take advantage of you. Can you at least get paid for all the time you're putting in, since you're missing out on work opportunities so your sister can happily freeload?