Telling older kids of a new sibling--when?

[Hermione394]

We are still in the WTT stage, but we've openly talked about OH and I TTC come the new year with our four angels from his previous marriage. We have had the blessing of their mom being a friend and on our side, and talking with them too. We were always planning on telling them I'm pregnant at the 12 week mark

One thing my DSD2 asked me recently though, was if we would tell them right away when I'm pregnant. I told her most likely not, because the first 12 weeks there is a higher chance of miscarriage, and I don't want to put them through that. She insisted, though, that she'd want to know right away...I'm not entirely sure how to approach and handle this.

Part of what complicates that too, is she's having a HUGE thing with trust and honesty right now. She gets upset whenever she feels someone is hiding things from her. I don't want to complicate that more, but on the other hand I've already experienced a miscarriage when I was 17 (not naturally though...due to a domestic violence thing, but still), and I'm worried that'll make it more likely I'll experience one again...and I don't want to put the kids through that emotional stress if I don't have to...

One option OH and I thought of, is possibly not mentioning it, but being honest if one of them outright asks. However, I really wanted to do something special for them when we tell them. I'm working really hard in trying to instill the "expanding, not replacing" ideal. Because of this, I don't want it to be an off hand "yup she is pregnant" type of scenario.

I have no idea what to do here...I'm hoping someone can offer me some guidance... I love these kids so much, and I want to do this in a way that's best for them...

 

[tallybee]

My kids are 11 and 9 yrs old, and for us the right thing was to wait until we had a scan and tell them. That would normally be 12 weeks here but I paid for an earlier one which we believed was 9 weeks but dated us at 10.

We felt that seeing a perfect baby with heartbeat etc was good enough indication things would likely be ok even though it was pre 12 weeks. I don't know how youd feel about telling after an early scan?

It's a hard one! Even without the honesty talk we found it hard to keep quiet!

 

[DJJ]

If you had a miscarriage would they not know about it?you could tell them when you find out then they will have the joy and the pain if anything were to happen.but they are a big range of ages so maybe just the two older ones.or maybe now explain why you would wait ro tell them

 

[Twinmum87]

Kids knew we planned on having a baby at some point but we never told them when. My DD began to assume I was pregnant when I hit about 6 weeks and kept on talking to me all the time as if she knew but I just kept on saying 'it's not quite as easy to just want a baby and then have one. It takes time.' To avoid saying no I wasn't. We told them after the first scan. Should have been 12+5 but got put forward to 14+3.

I personally wouldn't tell the kids right away even if they asked me to. Losses can sometimes happen in later pregnancy but it is less common so once you get into 2nd tri and the biggest danger is gone it is less likely to put them thru that heart ache. I had a misscarriage last year (second loss) and I just told the kids I was in and out of hospital because I had something wrong with my stomach and the doctors were making it better and I was just sad because my stomach hurt and that was enough for them to handle. I cannot imagine telling them the lost what would have been their baby brother or sister from an early misscarriage. At one point I did consider and early scan but with my first pregnancy I say a nice strong heart beat then lost it so that would really have been no reassurance for me. So we waited.

 

[OmarsMum]

We made the mistake of telling DS when we got a bfp, he was 4 and was super excited, but unfortunately the pregnancy ended in a mmc at 12 weeks, when we told him it broke his heart and he cried for days. This year we didn't tell him, i miscarried again, he didn't know about it and it was less stressful for all of us.

 

[Hermione394]

We made the mistake of telling DS when we got a bfp, he was 4 and was super excited, but unfortunately the pregnancy ended in a mmc at 12 weeks, when we told him it broke his heart and he cried for days. This year we didn't tell him, i miscarried again, he didn't know about it and it was less stressful for all of us.

This is what I'm worried about...I don't want to put them through that...

I guess I am thrown through a loop because of DSD2's current trust issue thing going on. Her mom's ex-boyfriend just up and left them for the second time at the beginning of summer, so she is struggling right now. She's having so much difficulty trusting anyone right now, and I don't want to make that worse either.

I am just worried about her, and I want this process to be positive for her (as well as her brothers and sister). She's the one that is closest with my husband too (total daddy's girl) so I know she might have some underlying fears that she is being replaced . That's why I really wanted to do something special when we did tell them, like you would for any older siblings. So then it can be a celebration and not a fear-filled thing...

 

[suzib76]

I went for an 'early' scan with Lana only to discover I was 19 weeks - we told them that night lol

 

[Boomerslady]

Personally I'd tell the older two. I think they're old enough to understand what a miscarriage is. I saw this though from the thought process of your SD, I too had trust issues and hated not being told things/the last to know etc. At her age I would've rather known, and dealt with any subsequent bad news, than be kept in the dark. Especially as she expressed to be told straight away....have you discussed with her why your concerned about telling her?

 

[george83]

I think I would not tell them but if they asked at any point then tell the truth. I also think that I wouldn't say anything that can be taken as a lie. I know it's a very difficult situation though

 

[gingajewel]

I had an early scan Tuesday and told my daughter after it. I've had 3 miscarriages but I had to tell her as she has been so worried about me being sick all the time, she told her teacher she was worried mommy was very poorly 😞 so to put her mind at ease I have told her its the baby making me (very) sick and if anything happens I will deal with it as and when.
I would rather my lo know I was ok than be worrying that I'm ill.

 

[Quartz]

GIven their ages I think I would tell them straight away - if the worse does happen they are likely to be aware of the emotional fallout anyway and if honesty and trust is important to them as you say they will deal with it better if you have been honest. SHe is telling you she wants to know so I tihnk you need to listen to her

I would go in positive from the start - you have no reason to assume anything is going to happen so dont. Involve them and let them help announce it to everyone else when the successful scan has been done

 

[Tasha]

I'd tell them. They're old enough that if the worst happened then they'd pick up on your emotional distress any way.

I want to reassure you that a woman who has had one loss is no more likely to have another than someone who has had none xx

 

[dizzy65]

i think when we get pregnant again that i will probably tell the kids when im 12 or so weeks but iguess we will see when the time comes

 

[dani_tinks]

Jacob was there when I took the pregnancy test so he had an idea that he was going to have a sibling. We waited until the 12 week scan to explain in detail to him as it was just easier for us all that way. He could see the photos and we could answer his questions. He helped us announce too .

 

[RainbowDrop_x]

When we went for our 12 week scan we got put back 4 weeks to 8 weeks so when we went back 4 weeks later and we were actually 12 weeks was when we told our DD. One of the main reasons for us waiting was because on the 12 week scan the baby actually looked like a baby so it was clear for her to see and understand what was going on.

If I hadn't of shown so quickly this time I probably would have waited until 20 weeks because my DD has no concept of time and is starting to get a little bit impatient at the wait for her new sister to arrive!

 

[Septie]

We told our 4/5 year old. The first time, it lead to miscarriage. Thankfully, I had told him from the start that initially there are just a bunch of cells that are trying to grow into a baby, but that sometimes something goes wrong in that growth process...I think since I had always prepared him for the possibility of a loss, he took the miscarriage well, no issues.

 

[Hermione394]

Thanks everyone for their input I really appreciate it!

I also talked to their mom about it too (we are best friends now, I know weird, but it works lol). She told me they still are upset about a miscarriage she had 7 years ago (DSD11 still talks about that baby, and they constantly debate on whether it was a boy or a girl). So she agreed with me that it might be too much for them to handle, should I MC again.

She did say, however, that if an issue arises with DSD11, she won't let the blame fall on me, because she is specifically asking me not to tell them until 12 weeks. And she even said she'll help me plan something really special to tell the kids when the time comes . I'm hoping, if there is a really special way of telling them, that it'll still go over well. I just know that this year has been wicked stressful on them...I don't want to add a MC to that long list.

So, the current plan, is just my husband and she will know when the time comes. She already has been warned that she might be getting calls at 2 AM of me panicking...(because of how my first miscarriage happened, I still have nightmares of it...) and she said she knows and expects that, and is fine with it.

Now January needs to just get here so we can TTC