Telling people

[rectopathic]

Hi Everyone.

I was just wondering how you have told anyone about what you are going through, e.g work/parents? When AF comes, I have a cry in the loo's at work and am tempted to just go home sick as I find it very hard to work from an emotional side. My mother doesn't understand, she had 4 children and it only took her 3 months ttc each one at most!

My mental health really declines when AF arrives and people know something is up but I try to carry on and put on a fake smile.

At the moment there is a pregnant girl in my team and it's so difficult. My younger sister is also due in 4 weeks!

I'm finding it so hard to get support at the moment as this problem is such a taboo to talk about.

Love and babydust to you all xx

 

[tamithomas]

I personally have not told anyone as i feel that it's none of peoples business except for my husband who is luckily very understanding when i have a mini breakdown everytime i get AF not because I can't control my hormones, I am actually the queen of that. it's the emotion of knowing yet again another failed month. Personally, it's up to you if you wanna tell them but in reality, 90% of people who are gonna bring up baby talk won't even genuinely care. For instance, my step-brother had his baby last month was a total heartbreak to see him get his gf pregnant acidently with her only being off of the pill for 2 months and he asked me "so when are you gonna make one of these?" Little does he know my hubby and I have been ttf for 3 years, but I simply told him since it was none of his business that "eventually..if it happens, it happens" to me I feel telling someone is like letting them into my personal bubble which very few are aloud in.

I can understand about not wanting to discuss it with your mom since she doesn't know the feeling, but that's who she is though..your mom, she's supposed to be there to support you. Not saying you have to but most of the time, mothers do not like to be left out of the loop if something is eating at their children emotionally or physically. But I can understand the uncertainty of talking about it with your mom as well, logically she is a mother therefore does not understand sorta speak since she has kids. Any one who does not know how it feels does not feel right to speak to about it but just saying, usually they like to be kept in the loop. Keyword is usually because I don't know the status of your relationship with your mother. Sending you much babydust! xox

 

[mjemma]

I am the opposite, all my family and friends know and we are quite open about it. I had to have an operation after we had been trying for about a year and I told most people when I was explaining that.

I personally think it is easier for them to know as I don't have to hide my emotions or make things up. I do get annoyed when my friends and family say stupid things but I know they are just trying to help. Noone will ever understand what you are going through unless they have been there.

I have also been to an infertility support group a few times which has actually been really good. It is nice to be able to discuss infertility with people who understand. I think it's a very personal choice who you tell, but it is important to build a support network.

 

[Victory78]

I'm the same as mjemma - my friends all know that we'd love to start a family making them more aware of our emotions/situation (for example, when they tell me they are expecting they are far more sensitive) and always asking how I'm feeling.

At the same time, there are a few stupid comments but I know they are only being helpful and don't fully understand what its like to have to try for so long when they all got pg within 6 months after their weddings!

 

[Lisa84]

I am also the same and told ppl what we are going through. I didn't at first but then couldn't be bothered hiding how i felt everytime AF arrived or when i had my lap & dye.

My friends and family's support during such a difficult period of our lives has completely validated our decision to not keep it quiet. Noone asks us when we are gonna be having kids or use the line 'your getting on a bit now shouldn't you be having kids'

Yes we get unwanted advice sometimes like 'Just Relax' but i know that it is harmless advice and they are just trying to help xxxx

 

[CanadianMaple]

I told a lot of people but really wish now that we hadn't been so open. It's news we cannot take back and if we go the donor route, I'm not sure if we could hide it like we thought we could.

I usually wait until people ask about babies or it somehow comes up. I have called a few close friends/family and told them so the baby comments wouldn't pop up at Christmas dinner or any other time.

 

[MrsPete]

I tell the people who matter most to me; for me that is a lot of people because we have a close family and many good friends. They always give you an opportunity by asking when you're going to have kids and my response is usually, "well, we've been trying for years naturally without luck so now we are seeing a doctor for help." No need to act abnormal, this happens to 1 of 10 couples .... statistically quite common. If you had an illness for example diabetes (BTW diabetes occurs with about the same statistical frequency) that required so much treatment would you hide it? I think that secrecy just adds to the taboo-ness of the subject.

 

[TTCBean]

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[smallstar]

Hello ladies, we have been TTC now for a little over 2 years so we are (unfortunately!!!) in the LTTTC!!!

We have not told anyone, EXCEPT i broke down last year and had to tell my sister!!!....if i hadnt i probably would have been sectioned...i was in a really low place and TTC for such a long time and being unsuccessful was starting to take its toll.

To be fair, im glad i told her when i did and not before. She has been amazing, NEVER questions or pushed me she is just there if i ever need to have a good cry or vent and do not want to put that on my hubs as he also has his bad days!!!

We decided not to tell anyone because we didnt want people to then constantly ask and question you about whether or not you were or wern't pregnant!!!

For example one of my freinds told people they were TTC and literally everytime she said she needed the loo or even mentioned feeling a bit sick people would instantly jump on the whole "Oh my god your pregnant band wagon" when in fact she had just drunk too much and eaten a bag of chocloate! lol

I think ultimately making the decision to tell people or not is a VERY personal decision and one that should be really thought through.....as if you do tell people...you cant take it back!!!

Just remember sometime scoming on sites like these and having a good old vent, rant moan whatever to a whole bunch of women who really understand what your going through makes a HUGE difference!!!

Good luck
x

 

[Prayerful]

We've been TTC for one year and started fertility meds 2 months ago. I just told my mom this past weekend, right after being in the delivery room for the birth of my older sister's second child. I made the decision to tell her because I don't like lying to her and it is so hard having to out on a smile every time someone asks when we're going to start having children. My family is the biggest culprits in asking, so I told my mom to tell only my dad and my sisters just so they stop asking. I agree that it is none of their business but I can't handle the constant questioning. I also know they would want to support me in this and pray for me.

 

[mjemma]

I think one of the worst things when you are TTC are the questions about when you are going to have children, or the comments every time you don't drink or feel sick. Telling people you are having problems stops most of these which is good. But I agree, you can't take it back, and I think if we move onto IVF I won't tell people about that while we are doing it.

 

[Snowybird]

Hi, I have found both positives and negatives from telling people.
It's great on days you want to vent frustrations and don't want to overload hubby and stops the when will it be you questions.
However beware that some people may ask you for updates when you may not want to say when next appointment is, what next test is etc.
On the whole though I am glad my close friends know as it sure helps on low days.
Xx

 

[Maurie]

I told everyone.
I started a blog to explain everything and emailed it to family so they could look through it without any of my emotions.

My family was very very nosey and hey thought we were NTNP and would always ask questions. One cousin actually told me I was ruining my marriage by not having kids yet. So I decided to tell them all.

They are all supportive, especially when we lost our baby. I now post openly about IF on facebook. . .
at first we would get the unwanted advice but the longer we have gone without success and after we lost the baby I get almost no unwanted advice. They are all genuinely concerned at this point.

We dont let anyone know where we are in the cycle but what the cycle holds, Meds procedures ect. We do tell our parents about our cycles but that is because DH's parents have doctor friends and we have some resources that way. And well, I am very close to my mom.

I actually now enjoy when someone asks me about how we are doing, or what we are doing. I love to educate them about infertility (which makes sense as I am a teacher)

 

[amylou123]

We've been TTC for almost 3 year and have had two failed IVF cycles. At first I was reluctant to tell friends and family because I am a fairly private person but my hubby encouraged me to tell some close friends. I'm really glad that I did since they provided such great support. Also, one of my closest friends is now having trouble TTC for her second child and we've been great support for each other.
The one thing that I really struggled with was whether to tell my boss about the IVF cycle. I really preferred to keep it a secret but decided that I had to either tell my boss about the IVF or make up some other reason for having almost daily medical appointments. I was lucky that my boss responded well but I am curious about how other people handled telling people/ not telling people at work and all of the IVF appointments.

 

[Lisa84]

I told my boss straight away we needed IVF and then told him when it all started. Best decision i made!! He has been soo supportive and allowed me without question to go to appointments. I think he has given me more support because him and his wife have gone thru fetility problems so he is more understanding xxx

 

[hopingforit]

I've only told my mother but that's because she was making me feel guilty about not giving her grandchildren. She actually said to me that she was going to die without a grandchild from me (shes 43!!!!!!) and that's when I broke down and told her not to make me feel guilty about it. She felt so bad but what makes me feel worse, is I told her at the 1 year mark and I'm now at 1 year 9 months and in that time, she hasn't bothered to ask me anything....not how how I'm doing...not how I'm feeling...not what is going on....nothing! Then I have other family members who always ask when DH and I are going to have a baby. I always just say "whenever it happens". They usually don't say anything after that.

One day I got so mad because my sister-in-law who has been TTC (actively or not - I'm not sure) for about 5 years asked me when I was going to have a baby. My dad chimed in, "Oh, I'll answer this for you. They are not trying and not preventing". Really? He has never bothered to ask. I've even hinted that we are having trouble. I just whispered to her "we've been trying for a long time" and she said "me too" with a smile and that was it. It made me so mad that my dad felt that he should answer for me when he doesn't know and hasn't bothered to be concerned.

The only real support I have is my DH and I'm okay with that. I can't really trust the other people in my life to be supportive of me.

 

[amoreamy]

I'm just debating at the moment whether to tell my boss at work, but other than that its been a slow process of telling my own family. We haven't told oh's family at all because they're likely to want to become too involved!! Telling my family has been interesting as none of them have had any fertility issues, and my mum and sister both fell pregnant very easily. My mum has said some really silly things like 'it must come from your dad's side because my side is fine' and 'people test too early nowadays, why dont you just wait till you haven't had a period in a while'!! You can tell when people don't have clue haha!
Today was a big step for me however because I have my first proper fertility obgyn appointment in a few days, and I told my sister. I have been meaning to ask her for so long that if none of what I'm about to go through works out- will she be my surrogate, and she said yes! She even said that she has already discussed it with her oh because she wanted to be able to help me.
I'm so overwhelmed now I feel like I can go into this process knowing that she can help me, and that may just be my destiny, and its stopped me feeling scared and made me feel really positive.

So I really feel that you should let in whoever you need to to make it a more bareable process. Not everyone will even begin to understand but at least you're giving them a chance to xx

 

[WANBMUM]

I didn't tell anybody for 2 years, until I couldn't take it anymore and I opened up to my mom. It was such a relief to speak to someone else than my poor Oh who was getting all of my emotional tantrums
However as much as my mom has been an amazing support, she did tell my father without checking with me first and now that we have to use a donor, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK, we cannot now keep using a donor a secret. Or get to at least decide if we wanted to.
So please chose wisely.
The other side of telling is the questions of updates when you don't have any and you don't want to talk about it. If your in a bad mood not ttc related they automatically assume its to do with ttc, when u just want to be in a bad mood for no reason