Hi ladies,
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s so cruel what we have to go through sometimes. I understand how you are all feeling right now as I had an early mc in June. My experience is somewhat similar to yours lifeafterdepo.
We are both 25 and have been married for almost a year now. We started TTC as soon as we got married. Before we got married I did some research on finding ways to increase your chances of falling pregnant so as soon as we got home from the honeymoon I started temping. I had read that the main reason it takes people 1-2 years to fall is because of timing. So I figured if we get the timing right we should fall quicker, right?
So it was June and the weekend of my sister’s wedding that we had all gone away for and I was expecting to ovulate on the Saturday. DH and I made sure we did plenty of baby dancing over the weekend. On the Monday DH had to go away for work and my temp hadn’t gone up at all yet so I was devastated that I didn’t think I’d ovulated yet. A few days later and my temps confirmed that I O’d on the Tuesday. I thought for sure we wouldn’t have caught the egg because I O’d later that I had expected.
Usually I start testing from 8DPO using my cheapie HPT’s (even though I know that’s way too early). Well that month I thought stuff it, we missed O anyway so I won’t even bother getting disappointed when I see the BFN’s. Well I was on 11DPO and DH and I were going away for the weekend and I wanted to drink that night so I thought I better test just in case. Still a BFN so I thought I’d go have a nice night with the hubby and get pissed since I hadn’t drunk much for the last 8 months because of TTC. I was due for AF on the Sunday and I thought it was a little weird that it hadn’t shown up yet since I usually had a strict 12 day LP. On the Monday morning I tested with my cheap HPT and got the faintest of faint lines. I had convinced myself that it was an evap.
All day at work that day it was on my mind. I told hubby and he was convinced that I was pregnant. So on my way home from work I bought a 3 pack of FRER’s. I got the biggest shock when I got 2 lines and DH was away working so I rang him straight away and I could hardly talk I was shaking and I didn’t believe it because it was too good to be true. I got off the phone to DH and took another FRER just to make sure it wasn’t an evap. Yep, another BFP. I rung DH back because I was so excited and we decided to ring our parents. So DH called his while I called mine. Everyone was so over the moon for us! I still couldn’t believe it so I ended up using like 7 FRER’s and when the CB digital came up positive it finally sunk in. I had a blood test on the Friday and the receptionist was able to tell me that it was positive.
On the Monday morning I got a call from the nurse with my HCG results (at this stage I didn’t know anything about HCG). She told me that my levels were 154 so I was only just pregnant. I panicked and asked does that mean I’m going to miscarry and she was so hopeless just told me to come back in 2-3 weeks if I’m still pregnant. What the hell does that mean!!! I was hysterical and emotional wreck, I was so scared of losing the baby. I googled my heart out trying to find out what it all meant. I was reassured that other girls had healthy pregnancies even with low HCG levels at the start. So I tried not to think too much about it and just appreciate every second of being pregnant. I wanted all the symptoms and I would google every time I didn’t have symptoms, just to see if everything was normal.
It was 10 days later and I was now 6 weeks. I woke up at 5am to get ready for work and I noticed a small amount of blood in my FMU. I panicked a little but told myself that it was just a little bit of spotting, as usual I googled every possible reason for spotting. I read that it can be normal to spot a little bit during pregnancy. I went to work and within an hour I started getting cramps and the bleeding got a little heavier. I freaked out and left work immediately. I called mum crying and told her to book me in at the doctors ASAP. I went straight to her place and cried in mum and dads arms. Mum took me to the doctors and he told me that he was worried it could have been ectopic because of my HCG levels starting out so low. I had no idea what that meant and it scared the hell out of me. He sent me for a blood test and an emergency internal ultrasound. It was the worst day of my life.
They couldn’t find anything on the ultrasound, the radiologist said that it could have just been too early to see anything. I was so heartbroken that they couldn’t see anything, yet I was relieved that the baby wasn’t in my fallopian tubes. There was so much running through my mind, it was horrible. The bleeding got heavier during the day and I started getting clots of blood and more cramping. My HCG levels came back at 27. I felt so lost. I felt like I’d just had my heart torn out of my chest and my world came crashing down.
I only had the feeling of being pregnant for 10 days. And although I was almost a nervous wreck the whole time, it was also the best 10 days of my life. I felt so special having something growing inside me. When I had the mc I felt numb and although I had the support from my family and friends I couldn’t face anyone. I felt like seeing them and looking into their eyes made it all feel real. I wasn’t ready to face the world without my baby. I didn’t want to accept that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I stayed at home for a week and could only talk to friends or family by text. I couldn’t even talk to them on the phone. If I had a phone call I’d just let it ring out. I had to come to terms with my loss and accept what happened.
Luckily I only bled for 4 days and on the 7th day my HCG levels were back to 0. The doctor said I could try again any time. At first I was so scared I didn’t ever want that feeling again. But I felt that I will never have a baby in my arms if I don’t try. DH and I both wanted a baby so bad that we decided to start trying again straight away. Once my HCG levels were back to 0 I felt like I could finally start to move on. I started temping again I O’d late that month on CD25. My LP was 11 days that first month after the mc which was strange for me because I’ve always been 12 days. I O’d later than I thought, and because I had 3 temp rises I thought for sure we had bd’d enough. My temp went back down and then a few days later temps confirmed my real ovulation and I really struggled knowing that we had no chance of conception. I was so upset because I had no idea what my body was going to do post mc, my ovulation, LP and length of my cycle was all out.
It was such a painful wait until my next ovulation and I tried out digital opk’s for the first time (because the cheapies never worked for me). I got my smiley and O’d on CD17 and we had bd’d 5 times during my fertile period so I was really hopeful! Especially since I’ve heard that you’re more fertile after a mc. During my luteal phase my sister announced that she’s 5 weeks pregnant, and they weren’t even trying. As much as I was so happy for her, I was so sad and upset for me. Two days later I got AF, which was a surprise because my LP was now 10 days. It's gone from strictly 12 days, to 11, to 10. I read that an LP of 10 days or less isn't good. So I've decided that I would wait for this cycle and if I don't fall pg then I'm going to go get tests done.
It was my mums birthday that my sister told me she was pg. I remember when i was pg and I counted forward the weeks so that I knew when i could tell everyone my happy news. My mums birthday I was supposed to be 12 weeks, but instead I was no longer pg and my sister got to tell everyone her happy news. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions so I went and seen a counsellor. No one knows, not even my DH. The counsellor showed me that you can have two different feelings at once. I was feeling happy for my sister and happy that I am going to be an aunty, but also feeling sad and trying to deal with my grief of the mc.
My sister is now 8 weeks and she had her first scan on Friday. Everything is going perfectly, they got to see the heartbeat. I’m 1000% happy for her but it’s sometimes still hard to accept.
I’m on CD 13 of my third cycle since the mc and will hopefully O within the next week. I’m still desperate to be pregnant again and the only real thing that has helped heal is time. I still long for the baby I lost, I still love it and I still grieve, but the grief isn’t as strong as it was when it first happened. The counsellor told me that you can learn to deal with your grief. She explained it so well. She said that when it first happens, you have one big tidal wave of grief that you feel. Which is true, I remember just blocking out the entire world and the mc hit me like a tonne of bricks, all I could do was cry. As time passes, the grief now comes in smaller waves. It comes at different times, like when a friend (or family member) announces their pregnancy, it comes when there’s an ad on tv about baby formula, when you see pregnant ladies at the grocery store, etc. But we start to learn how to deal with our grief, even without realising it.
I can’t choose when the grief is going to come, but I can deal with how I handle it. I know that with my sister being pregnant, if I am feeling upset I can be happy around her and then deal with my grief and let it out when I get home. Not because she’s not supportive, but because I don’t want her to feel like she can’t tell me things. I don’t want her to feel guilty whatsoever, because it’s such a special time for her and a baby is such a blessing. I’m so happy for her so I also don’t want her to feel like I’m not. But I am still dealing with my own little waves of grief, and I can try and control it as much as I can. It really helps me deal with other peoples pregnancy happies.
I’m sick of people telling me to stop trying and it will happen, or don’t worry about it, it will happen when the time is right. I know they’re only trying to help, and they probably don’t know what to say because they’ve never been in this position, but it’s not comforting. I don’t even know what I want them to say, but I just know that it doesn’t help. It sometimes makes me annoyed because they don’t know how I’m feeling about TTC and going through a loss. It’s not just something that you want, it’s bigger than that. It consumes you and you can’t just switch it off.
Sorry that this post is so long. I just wanted to say that I understand what you ladies are going through. It’s so hard for other people to relate when they’ve never been in our shoes.
I wish you ladies the world of luck. We deserve our sticky beans and I know we will get there in the end, no matter how many speed bumps we must go over first
*Huugggss* to you ladies
