The footprint pendant:my loss story

[FngrsCrossed]

Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort.
I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
I saw these words the other day:-

If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
xxxx

I am sooooo very sorry, just reading that makes me cry. I feel so bad when someone loses their sweet little baby. My heart bleeds for you. For the life of me I wish things like this didn't happen. MMC, Mc, stillbirth, infant loss; all of it hurts equally as bad. You know, I am glad he was born alive, so DH, the kids, and I could marvel at him. Dh and I nick named him "the corn niblet" because he was so small. Dh would call the NICU and tell the nurse he was the "corn niblets" dad and wanted to know if he could go in to see him. lol

I will pray for your strength as well as for your DH. The service is the hardest part of it all. Please be encouraged and don't forget to take refuge in each other, it makes the days a little easier. I have heard that saying too, I don't know if it gets completely better and if the wounds just go away, but it doesn't hurt to know that weeping may endure through the night but joy cometh in the morning. Just hold on til' daylight...

 

[Bride2b]

There seems to be no reason for most womens preterm labor. Just another unexplained mishap. I wish there was an answer...I mean really, knowing what happened and why has become important to me so that I avoid doing whatever it was again. Seriously, how do you avoid everything? If there is no explanation then "everything" is a possible hazard.


I didn't do much tracking on my OV...I used my calendar on FF. It still is using my using OV date. CD12 So I just went with that and we are going to see how it pans out. I looked for that thread, if you could sent me a link or something that would be awesome. Once you lose a child you kinda' fit somewhere in between. So it's would be nice to chat it up with ladies who actually can relate. lol@POAS every 5 minutes. Oh, how I miss that!!! lol I haven't POAS since December when I was trying to make sure HCG was gone! Now I am excited, I wanna' POAS!!!

It keeps going around in my head about what I should & should avoid next time - it drives you crazy as you just want to know what is was that made it happen!

The life after loss thread is in this 'Second Trimester Losses' section

https://www.babyandbump.com/second-trimester-losses/455615-life-after-loss-support-group-all-welcome-285.html

Theres loads going on there...its great to chat & is mostly chatter about rainbows & trying again xx

 

[jennijunni]

I am so, so sorry for the loss of you sweet Masyn. How tragic. I am glad that you were able to hold him in your arms, and be with him when he left this earth. I am just so sad for you. It is so awful to be part of this "club" but the woman here are wonderful, kind and amazing and will uplift you, and help you carry your burden. Lots and lots of hugs.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm so so sorry for your loss of your sweet wee boy, your story has me in floods, it's so tragic. What a wee trooper though to stay with you long enough to really marvel at him and to get to say a proper goodbye. I'm so glad that nurse was sent to help you and to let you have your last moments together, your words to him were beautiful.

I also lost twins, my waters broke early and I delivered them 6 days later at 20wks. I believe my second twin, Hayden was born alive but they didn't make it known to me and I didn't know so I never said anything to him, I just wailed in his ear, the poor wee man. My DH only told me later he thought he could see his little heart still beating and I saw him twitch and relax but the doctor said there may be some "residual movement". I now am pretty sure that was his dying moment, I so regret not letting him go in peace and traquility. I now also know that if born alive they have a different legal standing here after 20wks and would have affected the hospital's neonatal death stats, which is why I think they weren't too forthcoming.

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to let you know how precious it is that you got to hold your son in peace and say goodbye to him, but you know that already. It makes me so sad to welcome another lady here, I also wish there was some kind of magic way to erase all of our pain and undo our losses. I hate it that any of us are here but I do believe also that we are sent to each other to help each other, so I hope we can help you. Coming to this forum has helped me understand my feelings a lot better and there has been much practical help too. I feel I have made some very good friends here - these ladies know more about the inner workings of my mind than anyone else I would say! I wish you much love and gentle days. Floaty kisses to sweet Massyn. xxx

 

[dancareoi]

Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort.
I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
I saw these words the other day:-

If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
xxxx

I am sooooo very sorry, just reading that makes me cry. I feel so bad when someone loses their sweet little baby. My heart bleeds for you. For the life of me I wish things like this didn't happen. MMC, Mc, stillbirth, infant loss; all of it hurts equally as bad. You know, I am glad he was born alive, so DH, the kids, and I could marvel at him. Dh and I nick named him "the corn niblet" because he was so small. Dh would call the NICU and tell the nurse he was the "corn niblets" dad and wanted to know if he could go in to see him. lol

I will pray for your strength as well as for your DH. The service is the hardest part of it all. Please be encouraged and don't forget to take refuge in each other, it makes the days a little easier. I have heard that saying too, I don't know if it gets completely better and if the wounds just go away, but it doesn't hurt to know that weeping may endure through the night but joy cometh in the morning. Just hold on til' daylight...

thanks for your lovely words.
We have now had our service, which was the worst thing I have ever had to do, but we said good bye to our LO. Yesterday we laid the ashes to rest.
the hospitla chaplain did both services for us, his words at the service on monday were lovely. He mentioned our other LO who we lost in July 2009 and said the siblings would now be reuinted. It gives me comfort to think they are together and looking after each other.
My OH and I are closer now this has happened and I hope we can try again some time.
Best wishes and good luck to you too and I hope things will get easier for you too. I suppose there will always be some days that are better than others.
Thinking of you

 

[OliveBay]

Having a funeral for a child is one of the saddest things on earath and something no parent should ever had to do, but it is such a vital part of the grieving process and should really help you to move onto the next stage. I'm glad you and your OH are supporting and comforting each other at this difficult time

 

[dancareoi]

Thank you, you are right, although it was the hardest thing we have ever done, I feel we have been able to say goodbye and can try and start to look forward.
I would have been 20 weeks, half way, today, so am feeling a little down again today.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[dancareoi]

Oh hun what a tragic story I am so so so sorry your little man slipped away so soon I am glad he was able to take his last breath cradled in his mamas arms though

Hi, I have been sharing my loss with people on this forum and have been speaking in particular to a lovely lady whose story is very similar to mine.

We have sent a couple of private messages but wanted to link or become buddies.

I notice you have buddies and wandered of you could tell us how to do it and what it means once you have.

Thank you

 

[FngrsCrossed]

There seems to be no reason for most womens preterm labor. Just another unexplained mishap. I wish there was an answer...I mean really, knowing what happened and why has become important to me so that I avoid doing whatever it was again. Seriously, how do you avoid everything? If there is no explanation then "everything" is a possible hazard.


I didn't do much tracking on my OV...I used my calendar on FF. It still is using my using OV date. CD12 So I just went with that and we are going to see how it pans out. I looked for that thread, if you could sent me a link or something that would be awesome. Once you lose a child you kinda' fit somewhere in between. So it's would be nice to chat it up with ladies who actually can relate. lol@POAS every 5 minutes. Oh, how I miss that!!! lol I haven't POAS since December when I was trying to make sure HCG was gone! Now I am excited, I wanna' POAS!!!

It keeps going around in my head about what I should & should avoid next time - it drives you crazy as you just want to know what is was that made it happen!

The life after loss thread is in this 'Second Trimester Losses' section

https://www.babyandbump.com/second-trimester-losses/455615-life-after-loss-support-group-all-welcome-285.html

Theres loads going on there...its great to chat & is mostly chatter about rainbows & trying again xx

Thanks for the link, I will be popping my head it momentarily!!

Yea, it's just the matter of pin pointing what the "shouldn't do" is...No way to know until someone explain exactly what happened. Oh the stress of it all...

 

[FngrsCrossed]

I'm so so sorry for your loss of your sweet wee boy, your story has me in floods, it's so tragic. What a wee trooper though to stay with you long enough to really marvel at him and to get to say a proper goodbye. I'm so glad that nurse was sent to help you and to let you have your last moments together, your words to him were beautiful.

I also lost twins, my waters broke early and I delivered them 6 days later at 20wks. I believe my second twin, Hayden was born alive but they didn't make it known to me and I didn't know so I never said anything to him, I just wailed in his ear, the poor wee man. My DH only told me later he thought he could see his little heart still beating and I saw him twitch and relax but the doctor said there may be some "residual movement". I now am pretty sure that was his dying moment, I so regret not letting him go in peace and traquility. I now also know that if born alive they have a different legal standing here after 20wks and would have affected the hospital's neonatal death stats, which is why I think they weren't too forthcoming.

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to let you know how precious it is that you got to hold your son in peace and say goodbye to him, but you know that already. It makes me so sad to welcome another lady here, I also wish there was some kind of magic way to erase all of our pain and undo our losses. I hate it that any of us are here but I do believe also that we are sent to each other to help each other, so I hope we can help you. Coming to this forum has helped me understand my feelings a lot better and there has been much practical help too. I feel I have made some very good friends here - these ladies know more about the inner workings of my mind than anyone else I would say! I wish you much love and gentle days. Floaty kisses to sweet Massyn. xxx

Thank you so much for reading and responding...Yes he was a little trooper, he fought so hard and I was so proud of him for staying as long as he did. Dr.'s were shocked that he made them out of a lie also.

I am so sorry you lost your little Angels. Loss is so hard, and there is no right or wrong way of handling it. So don't feel bad about the way you handled it; I can understand, your babies are a piece of your soul outside of your body, why would you let a piece of your soul go so easily without objection or feeling apprehension about it? I let go because I knew there was nothing else that I could do. I had to yield and speak to him before the last time he would hear my voice was gone. Deep down in the darkest crevice I wanted to go into a fit of rage, and wale. But like I said in another post, that isn't handling the situation with the grace of an adult and allowing God himself to crown my Masyn an official angel.

He went through a lot here. He grew a fungus on his body becasue of the humidity in the incubator and the billi-light making heat. My poor child. They started putting a salve on him to get rid of it and did a biopsy on it to find what antibiotics would end up working to heal it.

I also believe that we are all here for a reason, the best friendships come from such bonds. There is a gentle understand between everyone that goes through this situation, and the kindest prayers for each others well being. Because of our losses it think it will end up making us better people towards each other and keep our view of human life being fragile at bay.

Thank you so much for your words, I am sending him floaty kisses all the time. Same to you dear... and lots of hugs, an abundance of love, and "mini-mini" many kisses to your crowned angels.

BTW...it's not a problem for you to post about your loss, I love to read and respond. It's healing to the soul and doesn't matter if I started this thread or not. So post if you need to...

Ricka

 

[FngrsCrossed]

Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort.
I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
I saw these words the other day:-

If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
xxxx

I am sooooo very sorry, just reading that makes me cry. I feel so bad when someone loses their sweet little baby. My heart bleeds for you. For the life of me I wish things like this didn't happen. MMC, Mc, stillbirth, infant loss; all of it hurts equally as bad. You know, I am glad he was born alive, so DH, the kids, and I could marvel at him. Dh and I nick named him "the corn niblet" because he was so small. Dh would call the NICU and tell the nurse he was the "corn niblets" dad and wanted to know if he could go in to see him. lol

I will pray for your strength as well as for your DH. The service is the hardest part of it all. Please be encouraged and don't forget to take refuge in each other, it makes the days a little easier. I have heard that saying too, I don't know if it gets completely better and if the wounds just go away, but it doesn't hurt to know that weeping may endure through the night but joy cometh in the morning. Just hold on til' daylight...

thanks for your lovely words.
We have now had our service, which was the worst thing I have ever had to do, but we said good bye to our LO. Yesterday we laid the ashes to rest.
the hospitla chaplain did both services for us, his words at the service on monday were lovely. He mentioned our other LO who we lost in July 2009 and said the siblings would now be reuinted. It gives me comfort to think they are together and looking after each other.
My OH and I are closer now this has happened and I hope we can try again some time.
Best wishes and good luck to you too and I hope things will get easier for you too. I suppose there will always be some days that are better than others.
Thinking of you

Ohhh, It is the hardest thing that you will ever have to do. Nothing is worse. I agree that your LO's are both together, imagine the fun they are having! No pain, no sorrow, free to just be and not shed a tear.

Cling to each other like you have never clung before...That's the thing that brings the most comfort right now. Enjoying each others company with no guests. Renting movies and flopping about on the couch under a blanket. DH and I did that, and it was quite soothing to just be with him and do nothing but be a couch potato. My mom took our other children and kept them for days so we could have no worries.

I am keeping you in my prayers along with DH.. I pray for peace over the both of you and joy for the future.

 

[FngrsCrossed]

Having a funeral for a child is one of the saddest things on earath and something no parent should ever had to do, but it is such a vital part of the grieving process and should really help you to move onto the next stage. I'm glad you and your OH are supporting and comforting each other at this difficult time

I couldn't agree more OliveBay!! It's hard but it's also therapeutic and a really big step towards the healing process. Not to mention it's their right to be honored, every baby is a human being. Who doesn't honor a human life and celebrate it? No matter how long or short it was. Imagine losing a parent and just letting the city bury them anywhere!! No one does that!! And it's natural feel more love for your children than your parent, so if you love you child more than your mom and wouldn't let the city bury her then why do that to a baby? I love that you mentioned that, because it's so true...even the supporting each other, it's his loss too.

My DH held the casket and almost fainted!!! I had to grab him and hold him up. I have never seen his face that way before, that look broke me up even more. He is usually so quiet and so strong in everything. He is more humble than I am. That was my first glimpse in 16 years of being together that I have seen him in that light. I wanted to cradle him in my arms like a baby...even though I wanted to be cradled that way.

 

[FngrsCrossed]

Thank you, you are right, although it was the hardest thing we have ever done, I feel we have been able to say goodbye and can try and start to look forward.
I would have been 20 weeks, half way, today, so am feeling a little down again today.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You are going to have those days, sweet pea. I heard it gets hard when the EDD arrives. Thats my upcoming milestone. Allow yourself to feel how you want to and don't feel like you shouldn't. I hate the term "be strong", you don't have to be. People say that all the time to the grieving family. Heck if you want to have a falling out episode then do so. Cry alone if you have to, or cry with someone else. And when you are ready to resume then you can. Their is no wrong way to grieve. I have my moments in here when my other children express their grief or mention when they would be doing with him if he were "here now". If you need to scream into a pillow or rip up a phone book, that can help too.

i have even thought about taking some boxing classes or Yoga, to channel my confused "energy" somewhere.

 

[sunkiss]

your story touched my heart so much, still , i am so sorry u had to go through this, u speak with such eloquence and spiritual belief, the words u shared with ur precious baby were so beautiful, u have such strentgh to say that with what u were going through at the time, ur story will help so many others, takes a special kinda woman to give God an angel, may God continue to bless and strengthen u and ur family

 

[dancareoi]

Thank you, you are right, although it was the hardest thing we have ever done, I feel we have been able to say goodbye and can try and start to look forward.
I would have been 20 weeks, half way, today, so am feeling a little down again today.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You are going to have those days, sweet pea. I heard it gets hard when the EDD arrives. Thats my upcoming milestone. Allow yourself to feel how you want to and don't feel like you shouldn't. I hate the term "be strong", you don't have to be. People say that all the time to the grieving family. Heck if you want to have a falling out episode then do so. Cry alone if you have to, or cry with someone else. And when you are ready to resume then you can. Their is no wrong way to grieve. I have my moments in here when my other children express their grief or mention when they would be doing with him if he were "here now". If you need to scream into a pillow or rip up a phone book, that can help too.

i have even thought about taking some boxing classes or Yoga, to channel my confused "energy" somewhere.

Thank you so much for kind words. I know what you mean about expressing your grief i have felt like punching something to make myself feel better.
I read again a previous reply you made to one of my posts and it has brought tears to my eyes, about my two LO`s being together, it brings me comfort.
I hope you and your family get through this terrible time together and come out the other side.
Thank you and best wishes.

 

[WantingABubba]

My eyes filled with tears reading your story, especially when you whispered in his ear.

I am so very sorry for your loss