The mother in law, advice needed (warning, long and dreary)

[feeble]

Okay its a bit of a long story, when we lost the baby back in September, MiL was okay about it, suggesting that she would come 'soon' to visit and help us look after J so that we could recover etc, i thought that was quite nice of her, however she was increasingly vague about when that would be and finally i said to OH 'just ask her outright when she is visiting but i dont know if i am coming or going here' obviously lots of people wanted to visit and pay their respects etc

so he asks her and she says 'oh i simply dont have time to come and see you anytime until at least the new year' which i thought was a bit strange

anyway, i was quite relieved, my MiL is more than a bit like Judy Dench in the new Pride and Prejudice, hard to read, incredibly demanding and as unfeeling as a robot.

Anyway, then she starts bugging us about when we are going to visit her in Wales, continually asking to speak to me so that she can ask me when we are visiting (OH is crap with stuff like that) and never bothering to ask how we are, wether we are okay or even so much as asking IF we would like to visit! Just assuming that we would and that everything was 'merry' or whatever, so i arranged it for December 17th thinking that it would be okay and we could get it out the way before Christmas and OH was pretty keen, i was worried about it anyway and had made plans to meet a friend who lived nearby and spent a night or two with her to avoid having to ignore my child's death...

Anyway it turned out that 17th December fell just a few days shy of our portmortem results appointment and so i expressed to OH how uncomfy i was with the idea of going to see her and that i didnt think i could just put to one side my incredibly raw feelings about the fetal death etc, he said that he really wanted to go and didnt want to explain to her that i didnt want to see her. I told him in that case he could go with j and i would stay here, then he got upset that he would have to explain why i didnt want to see her and he didnt want to do that

So i ended up emailing her and saying 'i'm really sorry, we are getting the results a few days later and i just dont know how i am going to feel so i dont want to plan to go to Wales, so sorry.

I didnt even get a reply, not a 'its okay, take time, all the best' or anything! I was quite hurt by that

then she phones the day after the postmortem results, i was thinking she might just ask how we were, i was surprised to see the call, besides the initial 'I'll come and help' she hadn't mentioned the baby, me, or asked after us ever at all.

Nope, she wanted to tell Liam that she WOULD be visiting mid January, because she was going to be visiting other people in the south of the country so we should expect her on about the 15th FOR A WEEK

Well, my baby would have been due on the 18th, i had already told Liam that i didnt want anyone here in January really because i didnt know how i would feel and that i certainly didnt want anyone here on the due date.

So basically he says 'It would be great to see you mum, glad you can stay for a while????' and i thought (having not heard the other bit of the phone call) that she was coming in Feb or March

Nope, they had just arranged to have her here over the due date even though OH KNEW how i felt about it.

So i was pissed off with him and he responded by ignoring me for a whole night, being all lovey-lovey with me when people came over (having just ignored me when we were in private) and then reacting like i was the biggest bitch in the world when i didnt return his hugs and kisses! So basically systematically making me look like a bitch AND making me feel guilty for not wanting her here

that escalated into a huge row but anyway MiL

So then he finally gets round to telling her (by text) that January is not a good time having been told he either sorts it out of doesnt bother coming home and she sends a message back saying 'okay, let me know when i am allowed to come'

I mean really! Could she not have said 'thats okay, i understand' or better still JUST ASKED IF SHE COULD COME THE DAY OF THE DUE DATE RATHER THAN ASSUMING IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!

horrid woman

So that all happened, here we are at Christmas, we have had the Postmortem results and complete STRANGERS are more interested in the results than she is

she calls on Christmas day demands to speak to me, i was on the verge of tears all day anyway and tells me that i must be having a WONDERFUL day because J is at the right age and could i tell her when shes allowed to come and stay. I said February is fine and then managed to give the phone back to L but once again she failed to ask how i was, even suggesting that i was GREAT grrrrr

NYE, i'm really sad, cried most of the night etc, Liam gets an email from a relative which says

'Hi Liam, just spent Christmas with your Mum, Sisters and Grandparents! Wanted to wish you my best, you and Fiona must be very excited at the new arrival coming later this month I believe? How exciting for you both! Do keep in touch'



So we email this woman back, explaining that the child was stillborn and what not and she (on NY's Day) says;

'Oh, i am so sorry, no body mentioned it to me or your Auntie or Uncle, we all asked after you and everyone said you were doing really well, nobody mentioned the baby i am so sorry i have brought it up'

So his SODDING mother has spent 3 days with relatives of Liam, told them we are doing really well and everyone is happy having just spoken to us about the fact that we are feeling sensitive due to the post mortem etc and hasn't even BOTHERED to mention it to Liams family!!

I think a mother should offer protection and support and i am SO ANGRY that this woman has offered me, nor Liam either.

to land us with the job of hearing from people expecting to hear about a child and hearing that, to put them through that What sort of person is she???

Whats worse is that i know this woman is going to want to hold, play with and connect with my next child (provided it doesnt die of course, which of course would render it useless and inconsequential to her) and i dont want her to have ANYTHING do do with my children we have already decided not to tell her about the pregnancy until i am 25 weeks, obviously unless i am capable of birthing a live one it will mean nothing to her...

I am livid, furious and i have to SEE and spend A WEEK with this person next month I cannot think of anything worse right now

 

[Hellylou]

That sounds just rotten, I'm so sorry. I do sympathise because my relationship with my MIL is a bit hit and miss at the best of times, and it's so hard when it's your husband's mum, and you have to be tactful when you are just fuming inside. Sometimes I am not tactful at all and just unleash.

So, advice...I would say first of all, remember one thing - other people just DONT get it. Not family, not friends, no one. Some might be lucky enough to have a few relatives and friends who do, but certainly in my case, the vast majority of people just don't have a clue how this has affected me. Not at all. That includes my MIL, and most of my extended family. They have done their best where possible, but they don't get it.

For instance - this Christmas has been spent with a lot of relatives who I have not seen or spoken to since September when I lost my baby. Not ONE has asked me how I am or mentioned my loss. Not ONE. People just don't want to mention it, either because they don't want to upset me, or because they just don't see it as that big a deal, I don't know. But they haven't asked me at all. So my dead baby is the unmentionable thing. The thing no one will ever speak of. I can talk to my mum about it, and my friends, and my husband, but no one else.

With that in mind, I know it is very difficult, but if you could try to remember that your MIL wont have any idea how difficult this has been for you. She really wont know, unless you tell her. You say she is quite difficult to talk to, so it may not be easy, but if you want her to know how much you are hurting, you are going to have to spell it out. Perhaps use this time in Feb as an opportunity to bond with her and set things right? Staying positive is essential at the moment for all of you, especially you, with your little rainbow growing in there.

That's just my little take on it anyway. Hope I can help

 

[Bride2b]

I hope I'm not speaking out out term but ........ heartless BITCH!

I can feel your anger and frustration and you are 110% entitled to feel this way. People just dont get that just because the baby has gone doesnt mean that a) you dont care b) you dont think about it everyday c) that life is no longer the same as it was d) you may need people to be a little bit more sensitive.....shall I go on.

I dont know how I would be in your situation. I might just bring the baby up in conversation so she realises how much you have been hurting etc then she might realise what a heartless cow she has been, she cant avoid talking about it if you start talking about your baby then. Thats if you feel strong enough to do it.

All I can say is good luck for when she arrives!x

 

[feeble]

I know she obviously doesnt realise how hard its been for us, i just wish she showed SOME sort of compassion at ALL for how we are feeling

i am really toying with sending her an email highlighting exactly how i feel and how shes continuing to make me feel, that way when she gets here it will all be out in the open and i dont have to worry about it anymore. If she comes at all that is.

but then i think why bother? Nothing i say or do is going to grow her a heart, nothing is going to change her attitude so why make things difficult between me and her? I just cannot say how hard it is going to be to see her with J or even worse when we have a new child to see her with that baby.

i cannot decide wether this is something i need to internalise and deal with within myself, just numb myself to her heartless behaviour, or if there is any point trying to externalise it and make her see the truth in her actions.

I just dont know x

 

[Bride2b]

i cannot decide wether this is something i need to internalise and deal with within myself, just numb myself to her heartless behaviour, or if there is any point trying to externalise it and make her see the truth in her actions.

I just dont know x

Thats a decision that only you can make hun. I feel angry for you and I would want her to know what it feels like (but thats because I know the pain you are going through & I want other people to realise my pain and not pretend it hasnt happened). If you are worried it may cause unnecessary bad feeling then maybe its better to internalise it and just get a dart board with her picture on and say all the things you want to say as you throw darts at it!!

 

[Nikki_d72]

Oh I'm so sorry, she sounds awful. I think really your husband should be the one talking to her about this, to make her understand what has happened to you you and how you are feeling. He should explain to her that you need compassion and you need to be able to talk about your baby, not just sweep her under the carpet to make her more comfortable.

I can't believe she didn't even tell the relatives, that's quite shocking. The more people you don't have to brief the better - I would have thought any normal person would want to inform people so you don't have to and avoid them doing what they did.

I can understand your feelings about not wanting her round your kids, it sounds like she lives some distance away, at least you hopefully wont have to suffer her much.

I don't know what else to say, it's a really hard one as you can't have a war for your OH's sake but I think that's why he should be telling her what's what and where to get off. Can you put up something in memory of your wee angel so she can't avoid it? It may help her realise that she's not some dirty secret and she must acknowledge your baby. Did you get any pictures or anything that you'd be comfortable sharing? Mind you, this can backfire - my DH showed the picture of our boys to his brother and his wife because he thought they were just thinking of them as a miscarriage and wanted them to acknowledge them and she just went "Oh! OH!" and he said nothing so it really hurt me more. I told him never to do that again, some folk can't handle seeing them and they need to want to as I can't handle that reaction. You'd think they could at least have managed an "aww" or something though.

All the best with her. xxx

 

[SabrinaKat]

Hi,

I wouldn't internalise it -- I would write it all out in a letter and then...delete it. My SIL was also pregnant at the same time I was and after my mc, I never heard a thing from her. I emailed my BIL to ask him to please help out with his dad, who was dying of cancer, and his response was that my SIL wasn't feeling well because she was pregnant. They complained that Christmas that our presents weren't sufficient for their children (my OH had bought them as I couldn't go into a children's department) and they held the christening for their baby the week ours was due (we didn't go, my OH took me away for a long weekend)...even now, two years later (and expecting again), I have nothing to do with them at all, but there is one difference, my OH agrees with me....

I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with your OH and discuss everything, e.g. how you feel, how you feel about your MIL (don't bitch!) and about the whole situation -- ask for his advice on what he wants. It might be easier for him to 'forget' about it as it was very painful for my OH as well, and we didn't really talk until a good few months later.

Personally, I think the problem is that you feel really isolated and if you and your OH could present a united front, you would feel somewhat better.

best wishes

 

[feeble]

Yes I agree, unfortunately Liam will not at any point stand up for me when it comes to his family, remember I said he made me feel terrible for days about not wanting her here over the due date? Well that was basically because he thinks nothing of making me feel terrible at a time when I really should be empowered to do what I need, but gets really irate and upset if there is any hint that he might have to discuss something with his mother. He just won't do it. I tried to explain to him that to him it was not even eaying anything negative to her, it was literally just telling her that we wouldn't be able to see her in January and that I didn't understand why that was so hard for him (but for me it was really difficult to think that she was coming and there being all this uncertainty) he just ignored it basically. I had to tell him not to bother coming home before he would actually just let her know that perhaps it wasn't the best time.

I just don't think I have any support there, at all. I think bringing it up would just cause a fight and I don't know if I can deal with that right now

It is though, exactly what's needed and what should really be happening but there is just no way.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I feel for you, although my MIL was there for me in the beginning but now just feels like I should be over Ava They truly have NO idea of how their behavior hurts us, they are not helping and they don't get that. Maybe your MIL didn't tell the rest of the family cause she didn't feel it was her place to? Maybe she thought you should tell them or you would be upset if she told them, I don't know and believe me I am not making excuses for her, I just know for me it is so hard for me to approach a person that has been through a tragedy I feel like I am bringing it up and I might hurt them, when all I want to do is say i am sorry But that is me and I always send a card or flowers I am just not good at face to face, I get upset.

I really feel your OH should be there more and take the lead with his mother I am sorry he is not . I would also sit and have a talk with her and if it gets you nowhere then you close the book and do what is best for you, but you know it will cause problems between you and your OH. You need to have people in your life who will support you and not sweep your feelings aside. I wish I could hug you . I am so sorry you have to deal with this shit , you don't need it at this time in your life.
Maybe she just doesn't know how to show her feelings, I don't know , but she should be aware of your feelings.
I wish you all the best and I hope this gets resolved.
XOXOOXOXOOXXOOXOX

 

[fluffyblue]

I have a hubby and a MIL just the same, I or my children could be dying and if I put it on FB she would ask how they were via Facebook she is allergic to actually ringing or visiting to see how we are YET if she wants a lift, a day out, something doing on the house then its a good old phone call and...."how are you all.... followed by...."when you get 5 mins I dont suppose.....

I mention to hubby my anger, he then agrees with me and says he will have it out with her, doesnt bother and it all gets swept under the carpet.

Luckily she only knows the basics about my loss but didnt offer one single bit of condolence when we lost our angels so I dont offer it back. !!!

 

[naitken]

I'm the type of person that I would speak to her about it. I would tell her exactly how I feel and not beat around the bush. I might let her know that you've just been through a very traumatic experience and that if she's going to be near you, she needs to be supportive. I might also venture as far as to say that if she isn't willing to be supportive that she's better off staying at her own home and not visiting. Considering what you've been through, I'd hazard a guess that you only want people near you that are pillars for you to lean on, talk to about your child, feelings etc..

We had a mc at 14.5 weeks (so not anything close to what you went through) and I know how I felt and what I needed from the people who surrounded me. I hope that you can clarify the situation with her. hugs. xx

Also, I might also speak to your Husband and let him know what a delicate situation this is and will be for a great deal of time: You need his support too.

 

[feeble]

≤≤.

We had a mc at 14.5 weeks (so not anything close to what you went through) and I know how I felt and what I needed from the people who surrounded me. I hope that you can clarify the situation with her. hugs. xx

Please dont say that x

i am so fortunate to have had Jasper before i went through something so awful, i am so grateful to him and i know some women suffer the same but without another child to hold and love

i feel very fortunate to have had a mother who had been through the same, and my baby...

thank you so much for supporting me and i am so sorry that you went through what you went through x x x

we are all different and no experience is lesser than another persons xxx

thank you for your reply x

 

[xforuiholdonx]