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Discussion in 'Toddler & Pre-School' started by jenny82, Oct 14, 2013.
We haven't hit that stage yet but it sounds like some serious boundary testing. He may just want evidence that you can handle him even at his most temperamental. Stay calm and let him scream and cry, as long as he's not doing anything unsafe. If he wants to throw things, give him something that's safe to throw. Offer empathy and reflect his feelings back to him -- you really wanted that toy, I can hear that you're very upset, etc. -- very calmly. That will show him that you respect him and that you are there for him no matter what, even when he is really trying to push your buttons.
Also what you mentioned about how tired he is makes me wonder whether he may actually be overtired. Does he nap well at nursery?
Bens been going through this for a few months now. I don't know if it's testosterone surge or him just really pushing the limits but he too is aggressive, has tantrums over nothing, and quiet time results in him destroying his room and making the whole thing ten times worse.
The only thing I've found helps with him is distraction. So say he's kicking off over something ill tickle him, or pull a funny face, or start acting crazy etc, whatever seems to stop the destruction mode and make him laugh then I quickly move on iykwim. It's hard work though!!
I too forget sometimes, and certain things like hitting etc do get disciplined properly, but if he's having a full scale melt down because I said no to sweets at 8am then I try distraction!! Also in that sense if he wants something and I'm saying no for now, I make sure he knows if he behaves, at x time (say after lunch) he can have his treat but only if he's good.
2 things spring to mind -
1 is to react as little as possible. Do not raise your voice or 'punish' him as such. My mantra in these circumstances is 'I'm the grown up'. If he's doing something unacceptable, then calmly warn him that he'll get the standard repercussion - if you're using timeouts stick with them. Go through the motions. If he moves off the spot/step, put him back. it's tiring and frustrating, but that's the point. he's trying to see how far he has to take it for you to back down.....back down once and he'll take it to that level every time, so be consistent and calm. Let him shout, scream etc and then when he's calm, talk to him.
2 - make him clean up his mess. If he throws things, get him to pick them up (once he's calm obviously). If he takes all the sheets off his bed, get him to help you put them back on. He has to see that every action has a consequence and if he makes the mess, it's his mess to deal with.
Earl went through this and this is what I did. He's well and truly out the other side now, and he rarely has tantrums ever now - maybe 1-2 a week. He knows that they simply do not work and he helps me to clean up on an evening to earn gold stars on his chart ( a new thing we've done recently) towards a pack of sweets or a new playmobil man.
Other thing....create positive times. If he's always getting negative attention he may be a bit despondent.....allow him chances to do a good deed. Ask him to fetch something, or take his plate away, or tidy up his bricks, and make sure he knows he's done well.
It does, like all things, pass. Don't worry about him too much though - he's just a normal little boy and you need to make sure you remain consistent with him so he doesn't get confused and this passes quickly.
Hope this helps - just my own POV btw - some people probably disagree but this certainly worked with Earl. Hope things improve soon xx
so happy I have read this ive never heard of this stage my husband was wanting us to take lo to the doctors for how angry he seems to be getting he is all of a sudden really moany and flips out at the slightest thing (when peppa pig goes to adverts) hes getting quite difficult to handle i thought we were out of that stage. So glad to hearw e are not alone
I think it could just be an age thing - Emma definitely has times like this! Not as aggressive as to trash her room but certainly we will get throwing and slamming. I have found there is no way to pacify her. So I just ignore her, tell her it's unacceptable and that I won't talk to her until she has calmed down.
It seemed to get worse when she started nursery - I guess she was overtired and confused about the change - but things seem to be settling down again (touch wood!)
It took a while for Earl to improve - it's a hard thing to learn that you can't do what you like I suppose.
I wouldn't take things away altogether. We take them away for a certain period of time (same as a time out - so currently 4 minutes) and then hand back with an explanation that if it breaks then it wont be replaced, you should respect your belongings and those of other people and if your actions hurt anyone or break anything other than the toy then you'll have time-out. He's old enough now to understand things like this. In the situation before when he trashed the room, I would have given him a very stern warning and asked him to tidy 1 aspect of it up before school. We follow an instant repercussion system as kids memory's are so short I know Earl would ask what happened to the room by the time he'd been to school lol.
With Daddy, I'd probably get him involved in something everyday to start off with, like maybe getting ready for bed, bath-time, playing before bed, something like that, as LO wouldn't probably notice that Daddy was there instead of Mummy, especially if you act relaxed pottering about around them. They'd be nice and relaxed.
Have faith - this too shall pass. Try focussing on one thing in particular you'd like to improve and see if you can work on that, with him joining in, like making his bed, or getting dressed, just for example. It will prove to him that he can do things right, and confidence builds.
And the school thing, don't worry too much about that. Kids get in trouble, they push boundaries. Earl and his little friends got in heaps of trouble at his old school for throwing things and all sorts. As long as he's aware that what he did/does is wrong, you can work on not getting a repeat performance.
Sorry I've waffled on
Daisy is around the same age and although obviously not a boy she is well and truly back in the tantrum stage again after being out of it for a long while so maybe it is just a developmental phase they hit before turning 4.
I'm having the same problems with dd1 too .
Sorry OP no advice just wanted to offer some support
Omar doesn't really throw tantrums anymore, but when he screams he's too loud! He also hits me when he's frustrated! His voice also sounds different more like a teenager than a kid. I try to keep him entertained & occupied all day, He gets bored easily.
I thought he'd be tired after school but it seems that he does have energy he needs to burn. According to him school is boring so he needs to do something for fun after school.
I also think the big change & going to school everyday for 5 hrs is affecting his behaviour, all this change in routine, being away from me for long hrs 5 times a week, etc is what triggered this behaviour I guess. We had 9 days off for Eid holidays, he seems back to normal during this period. He's back to school tomorrow (eek) so I don't know he will behave when he starts again xx