this always happens....WHY?!

[keepthefaithx]

hey girls sorry its long but i just need to talk--

so my name is lisa and dh and i have been ttc since dec 2010.

in april 2011 one of my best friends announced she was pregnant by accident. (it totally killed me but i had to put on a happy face in front of her then cried and cried). i wind up getting pregnant the next month. we were so happy and our babies would only be 2 months apart we talked about EVERYTHING. then the day of her gender scan, i had to tell her i was in the hospital miscarrying. so the news is she is having a girl. and im no longer going to be pregnant. words cant even describe the feeling...fast foward to october, i get pregnant again, and again we are like okay well our babies will only be like 7 months apart, still awsome and again we talked about everything... a couple weeks later i start to bleed go to hospital. and you've guess it. happend AGAIN...by this point i am just so sad, alone, depressed, i feel just completely horrible. this is the day i find out that my other best friends 18 year old sister is pregnant on accident. JUST LOVELY!...i cant help but ask myself 10000 times a day WHY ME..how is this fair. what did i do to deserve this??! it has been my dream to be a mother for SOOO long. and people are getting pregnant on accidnent, how can this be???

i see a specialist and find out i have a blood clotting disorder, mthfr and need to be on baby asprin and special prenantals and folate. he wanted me to try clomid to "speed up the process" did it for 3 months nothing decided to do natural.

i get pregnant in may and i am super happy! i am on progesterone too as a precaution. i saw the babies heartbeat at 6w3d. and i am over the moon, everything seems to be going really well i got back in 2 weeks from now.

my other best friend (the one whos sister got pregnant on accidnent) comes back from her trip w her bf only to be engaged.. im super happy for her. we talk about the trip and etc. later in the afternoon. shes like i have to tell you something. and she looked at me in a way i just KNEW..im like ur pregnant...

shes like yea..it wasnt planned just an ACCIDENT.

you have no idea how many emotions and thoughts i have in my head.

"omg if god forbid anything happens w my baby i couldnt even look at her" did i mention we work together....

i would have to quit...

and the selfish part of me is like damn cant i just have my time....ive watch so many people over the years have there time. shes due A WEEK AFTER ME....

i have had 3 friends with accidnet and i have had to stuggle. i am so afraid that it will happen again, and the person who didnt really want a baby gets to have theres and i have to sit her and fight and something bad will happen

i hate that i am thinking this way, everything is going great...

i just really wanted to rant and tell someone how i feel.

thanks girls oxoxoxoxo

 

[wookie130]

I just wanted to give you a big hug.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too lost 2 babies consecutively, while 7 of my closest friends and co-workers were getting pregnant around me. It is so difficult, and you just can't shake the "Why isn't that me?" syndrome. I had to go into counseling and a support group for baby loss to cope with all of the pregnancy and childbirth occurring around me...I continue to go. It helps, and lets you know that you're REALLY not alone, in a way nothing else sometimes can.

Yesterday I just got my 3rd BFP. My second BFP was conceived on Clomid, and this one I just conceived is a Clomid baby too. I'm not even 4 weeks along until tomorrow, and the only thing I can think...is when am I going to lose this one? How long is this going to last? I just started progesterone suppositories last night, and I also take baby aspirin, a prenatal, and B-50 complex. No one would test me after my 2 previous losses...they wanted me to have 3 miscarriages before pursuing that. Ugh. Limbo!!!

It does seem like everyone has to go and accidently get knocked up while we toil away deliberately trying to conceive...I think it's one of those cruel tricks of fate, honestly. But, the reality is that once it really DOES happen for us, and we have our rainbow babies, it will be that much more precious, and our children will be that much more cherished. So, really, there's a reason for it.

 

[keepthefaithx]

thank you hunni for takin the time to read my post.

i am sorry for your losses too

it sucks when you work w the people too....

theres nothing we can do then just be positive, idk if you are religious but all i do is pray and i just try to believe everything will be okay. i just had to rant, and no1 understands.

dh was like really u sound like childish....

i was like i dont expect you to understand ur a MAN.

i have my fxd crossed for you everything goes well hunni xox

 

[wookie130]

Women become mothers at conception.

Men become fathers only when they first see and hold their baby...and THAT is why they'll never understand. My DH went so far as to tell me that my "dislike" of pregnant people was "irrational." REALLY??? My therapist has diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder, and something that really triggers a negative response internally for me is seeing pregnant women...I can't help it, therefore, it's hardly irrational. Ugh!!!

 

[keepthefaithx]

They really dont get it. women dont either unless they have been thru it.

my friend who just told me was like my fiance doesnt want me to say anything til 12 weeks but im not superstitious like that...im like um...its not about superstition, unfortunately anything can happen....sorry to tell ya..and did u forget about what happend to me??

i just have no patients for people who are ignorant to this. and i know i really shouldnt be that way bc they just have no idea bc they had perfect pregnancies.

but its so hard, and i feel like women looking at us. think we take it to the extreme they have no freaking clue.

i was doing totally fine until i found out shes pregnant ....i hate it. like i cant just have my damn time!

 

[keepthefaithx]

and the funny thing is she has perfect 30 day cycles. i think we are actually do with in a couple days of each other..she thinks shes 6 weeks. but i typed in the due date calculator w her last period, shes about where i am.

my last period was 5/6, hers was 5/11 but she has 30 day cycles i have 34. shes is freaking so close to me...

 

[wookie130]

Annoying! One of my friends actually had the audacity of grabbing my hand, putting it on her big old belly while the baby was kicking, and saying to me, "I can't wait for you to be able to experience this for yourself!" I felt like running away. I did cry about that one later...I mean, who does that???

 

[keepthefaithx]

UGHh!!

my big thing is i cant STAND when people get pregnant on accidnent and dont even want children yet. it drives me ****ing NUTS!

i just pray our pregnancies go well!

 

[wookie130]

Same here. I'm praying hard.

 

[horseypants]

i'm praying for you - and for myself that i get to cook one up very soon. xoxox

incidentally i'm jealous of alllll my neighbors. very bad i know, but the one right next to me is due a couple weeks after i was supposed to be, right after xmas ....and i jsut wrote in my journal about the darn jealousy lol

 

[MrsBoudica]

I know how you feel, when I was pregnant, which ended with a mmc, two other close friends also fell pregnant we were all due within days of each other, myself and one of the others both m/c'd within a week of each other and the other went on to have a little boy. But what got me was that whilst myself and the other unlucky girl had lost 5 babies between us and had been planning the pregnancies, she fell pregnant after BD'ing once when they decided on a whim that maybe they should try and then a week later decided against it only to discover at the end of the month that she was already preg from their little adventure, she then had a cheek to say that she wished that she could have the excitement of trying each month and poas and experience all the 'am I aren't I?' drama. I almost told her to F off at this point, she had no idea how heartbreaking it was to have af turn up every month, scrutinizing every sign and possible symptom.

Hoping this baby sticks, turns out myself and the other girl who m/c are both preg together this time too.

 

[Holly TH]

I am so sorry for your losses. I think it is really hard for men to understand these kinds of feelings. I will keep you in my prayers for a healthy pregnancy. Can you share what you are doing differently with pregnancy? Are you taking any special supplements or anything?

 

[keepthefaithx]

Im doing alot diff actually! I found out i have mthfr so i am on special prenatals...citranatal harmony and i am taking metanx 2 extra mg folic acid baby aspirin and progesterone.. we used opks everytine we ttc. The clearblue digital ..cant go wrong..and also i drank pom juice ...i heard it supposed to be good for implantation..who really knows ...lol

 

[Holly TH]

Did your doctor prescribe Metanx for the MTHFR or did you do the research and suggest it to him?

 

[keepthefaithx]

my dr prescribed it. hes the only one who cked me for thrombophilias.

 

[LadyBug183]

I understand what your saying
After mc I became so bitter and jealous and angry sometimes at those people having babies that didn't try, don't even want a baby, or are horrible at being parents.

The silliest, but best advice I ever got was "stop trying so hard and it'll happen"... We TTC first two pregnancies and mc'd. Then decided not to try... after some amazing sex, Surprise!! BFP!

It will be your time soon, and I wish you all the best in your future pregnancy

 

[keepthefaithx]

Thanks hunni! I wish u the best too!!!! Xoxo

 

[Holly TH]

Well it sounds like you are in very good hands. If he is prescribing Metanx he is being very proactive about MTHFR-related folate deficiency. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck!

 

[keepthefaithx]

Thank u hunni i wish u the best xo

 

[wookie130]

KTF, I see you're almost in the 2nd tri! We're both plugging along! Looks like this will be your rainbow!