This mealtime obsession is driving me crazy

[SarahBear]

A frequent question I hear is "what are we having for dinner?" or "what are we having for dinner tomorrow?" My husband and I don't tend to plan dinner ahead of time and he cooks dinner more than I do. And when we do know what we're having, it's not uncommon for that to be followed by a complaint and then "what should we do about dinner for me since I don't like that?" She's so finicky about her food and it's incredibly obnoxious... She'll be obsessed with a food and then just flip and hate it. For example, she LOVED scrambled eggs. Then one day, she was just done with them. Right now she loves English muffins. I'm waiting for the day that those become obsolete. With dinner, there are very few foods she'll enjoy without complaint. Hamburgers are one, but I doubt that will last because she's already starting to get tired of them. She LOVED Brussels sprouts for a while and now she won't touch them. She hated risotto for a while, then decided she liked it. Now she'll only eat it after much complaining and us refusing to accommodate her... and then some days she'll just miserably complain about it and not eat. We accommodate to a degree. For example, when we made beef stroganoff last time, we scooped some out for her before we added the onions. We also will sometimes have fruit or a veggie of her choice with dinner. But this meal clearly causes enough anxiety for her that she's CONSTANTLY asking about it. And even when it's something she likes, she'll obsess over asking questions. Anyone else have something like this going on?

 

[george83]

My youngest 2 ask me this constantly even though they very rarely eat what they are given. I used to answer them properly but now I just say “nothing - you don’t eat it” to which they moan they will eat it this time

 

[Boozlebub]

I have the same issue with my 4 year old DS. He has always been a fussy eater and has a very limited selection of stuff he’ll eat. Often he would say but what am I going to eat when he asked what was for dinner and he didn’t like it. He was really getting upset about it so I’ve decided to lay off the pressure and I give him food I know he will eat even if it is different from every one else. I know many people wouldn’t agree with this but at the moment it works for us as he has tried a few new foods recently without feeling pressured.

 

[6lilpigs]

Would it help her if you tried write a menu one week, the first week could be the things youve listed above to keep it simple. When she asked tell her theres this weeks menu, if she complains then say thats what we are having, you can help me write next weeks

 

[SarahBear]

Would it help her if you tried write a menu one week, the first week could be the things youve listed above to keep it simple. When she asked tell her theres this weeks menu, if she complains then say thats what we are having, you can help me write next weeks

I guess I tend to leave a lot of the dinner decisions up to my husband who would not be up for that, but I could take charge of that this weekend and write a menu and shop for it. In some ways it would help. I think it does help her to know ahead of time. That doesn't mean she'll eat it, but she does seem to have less anxiety around it. I have considered this.

 

[c1403]

Mine aren't fussy eaters but like the same meals.
We do a weekly menu and the girls choose what we will have each day.
It helps with food shopping etc too

 

[kellyc1987]

My 3yo does this and it drives me crazy! He always complains about whatever we are having so after he complains I just say "nothing then" and give him whatever I was making anyway, sometimes he eats it, sometimes he doesnt

 

[babyrough]

We dont have any anxiety about food here but my 6 year old is a fussy eater- but so am I if I'm honest. We rarely eat the same meals but it works as I eat usually after he's in bed anyway. He will try new things but if he doesn't like it I don't give it him again. I couldn't think of anything worse than someone putting a dinner in front of me that I don't like and saying that's what we're having or nothing! I know some people don't agree but to me it's not a big deal and I only buy food that he likes. Then I give him a choice of a couple of things before I cook it.
I totally understand that this would be difficult to do if you had more than one child who both like different things. But it's just me and him so works for us.

 

[loeylo]

We are “take it or leave it” about dinner. Frequently she goes to bed without a dinner, but she gets an alternative like high protein yoghurt or boiled eggs. She likes both those things and we always have them ready so it requires zero extra effort.

We do a meal plan and on a Sunday we shop for anything that we need. We all have a say in what goes on the meal plan - dd always chooses pitta bread pizzas so we do that every weekend.

Other meals, I don’t mind making different things for each person. She chooses her own breakfast every morning (it’s usually one of four things and she can go weeks with choosing the same thing every day) and for lunch it’s usually a snack plate with olives, egg, cold meat, tomatoes and such like. She calls it “rainbow plate” and loves it, no matter what we actually put in the plate.

 

[SarahBear]

We dont have any anxiety about food here but my 6 year old is a fussy eater- but so am I if I'm honest. We rarely eat the same meals but it works as I eat usually after he's in bed anyway. He will try new things but if he doesn't like it I don't give it him again. I couldn't think of anything worse than someone putting a dinner in front of me that I don't like and saying that's what we're having or nothing! I know some people don't agree but to me it's not a big deal and I only buy food that he likes. Then I give him a choice of a couple of things before I cook it.
I totally understand that this would be difficult to do if you had more than one child who both like different things. But it's just me and him so works for us.

Sometimes even breakfast and lunch can be an issue and we let her decide (within reason) what to eat at those meals. And making something she likes is a bit hit and miss. Some days she loves it and some days she complains. I even made quiche once because she specifically asked for it and then she had major issues over having to eat it when it was dinner time.

 

[loeylo]

We dont have any anxiety about food here but my 6 year old is a fussy eater- but so am I if I'm honest. We rarely eat the same meals but it works as I eat usually after he's in bed anyway. He will try new things but if he doesn't like it I don't give it him again. I couldn't think of anything worse than someone putting a dinner in front of me that I don't like and saying that's what we're having or nothing! I know some people don't agree but to me it's not a big deal and I only buy food that he likes. Then I give him a choice of a couple of things before I cook it.
I totally understand that this would be difficult to do if you had more than one child who both like different things. But it's just me and him so works for us.

Sometimes even breakfast and lunch can be an issue and we let her decide (within reason) what to eat at those meals. And making something she likes is a bit hit and miss. Some days she loves it and some days she complains. I even made quiche once because she specifically asked for it and then she had major issues over having to eat it when it was dinner time.

Then she loses “choosing” privileges.

Specifically asking for something then refusing to eat? Absolutely not. Gracie would have it put in the fridge and offered for every meal u til she ate it if she ever pulled that with me!

 

[SarahBear]

We dont have any anxiety about food here but my 6 year old is a fussy eater- but so am I if I'm honest. We rarely eat the same meals but it works as I eat usually after he's in bed anyway. He will try new things but if he doesn't like it I don't give it him again. I couldn't think of anything worse than someone putting a dinner in front of me that I don't like and saying that's what we're having or nothing! I know some people don't agree but to me it's not a big deal and I only buy food that he likes. Then I give him a choice of a couple of things before I cook it.
I totally understand that this would be difficult to do if you had more than one child who both like different things. But it's just me and him so works for us.

Sometimes even breakfast and lunch can be an issue and we let her decide (within reason) what to eat at those meals. And making something she likes is a bit hit and miss. Some days she loves it and some days she complains. I even made quiche once because she specifically asked for it and then she had major issues over having to eat it when it was dinner time.

Then she loses “choosing” privileges.

Specifically asking for something then refusing to eat? Absolutely not. Gracie would have it put in the fridge and offered for every meal u til she ate it if she ever pulled that with me!

The "solution" you propose deals with it as strictly a behavior problem though when I can tell it goes beyond that. She definitely needs to realize that just because something isn't the most exciting thing she could be eating, doesn't mean she shouldn't eat it, but there are definitely real issues around food. A lot of times I can tell that something isn't what she really wants, but that's as far as the issue goes. Other times she has a real issue with the food that genuinely makes it difficult for her to eat it. I see those as very different issues. If it's a behavior issue, your suggestion is one possible solution. When it goes beyond that, it's helpful to have a conversation with her about things and try to solve the issue together. Believe me, she didn't have other dinner choices that day, but we also sat down and tried to talk about what the problem is. She's fairly self-aware and very articulate for her age. Behaviorally, I don't think we've been having too many problems with food lately, but she does continue to have issues with food in general.

 

[loeylo]

We dont have any anxiety about food here but my 6 year old is a fussy eater- but so am I if I'm honest. We rarely eat the same meals but it works as I eat usually after he's in bed anyway. He will try new things but if he doesn't like it I don't give it him again. I couldn't think of anything worse than someone putting a dinner in front of me that I don't like and saying that's what we're having or nothing! I know some people don't agree but to me it's not a big deal and I only buy food that he likes. Then I give him a choice of a couple of things before I cook it.
I totally understand that this would be difficult to do if you had more than one child who both like different things. But it's just me and him so works for us.

Sometimes even breakfast and lunch can be an issue and we let her decide (within reason) what to eat at those meals. And making something she likes is a bit hit and miss. Some days she loves it and some days she complains. I even made quiche once because she specifically asked for it and then she had major issues over having to eat it when it was dinner time.

Then she loses “choosing” privileges.

Specifically asking for something then refusing to eat? Absolutely not. Gracie would have it put in the fridge and offered for every meal u til she ate it if she ever pulled that with me!

The "solution" you propose deals with it as strictly a behavior problem though when I can tell it goes beyond that. She definitely needs to realize that just because something isn't the most exciting thing she could be eating, doesn't mean she shouldn't eat it, but there are definitely real issues around food. A lot of times I can tell that something isn't what she really wants, but that's as far as the issue goes. Other times she has a real issue with the food that genuinely makes it difficult for her to eat it. I see those as very different issues. If it's a behavior issue, your suggestion is one possible solution. When it goes beyond that, it's helpful to have a conversation with her about things and try to solve the issue together. Believe me, she didn't have other dinner choices that day, but we also sat down and tried to talk about what the problem is. She's fairly self-aware and very articulate for her age. Behaviorally, I don't think we've been having too many problems with food lately, but she does continue to have issues with food in general.

Yes, but if she is “very articulate and self aware” then surely she shouldn’t be making a selection and then not eating it? It isn’t like you chose that meal, she chose it herself, and I think that IS a behaviour problem.

If she has issues with food, she needs to see a dietician. Gracie started to show signs of fussiness and we got it nipped in the bud faster than we could blink. She is still funny about textures (but not consistently so) and we literally just ignore the gagging/theatricals and it seems to be working for us. The dietician helped us a lot with strategies.

 

[SarahBear]

Yes it is a behavior issue... but what I'm saying is that there's another layer on top of it.

Edit: Also, a lot of time passes between requesting a quiche and receiving one. That means that even if it sounded good, there may have been factors she didn't consider (i.e. The bacon is peppered) and factors that changed that may result in the requested food no longer being something that sounds stomachable.

So due to something like this being a behavior and something else, a two pronged approach to discipline is required:

1) This is what you asked for, so this is what you get.
2) Talk to her about why the quiche is a problem in order to avoid similar issues in the future.

Second edit: And yes she is articulate and self-aware, but she doesn't always choose to verbalize her articulate thoughts... when she does verbalize them, she is good at expressing herself. She often doesn't want to address something directly.

 

[loeylo]

Yes it is a behavior issue... but what I'm saying is that there's another layer on top of it.

Edit: Also, a lot of time passes between requesting a quiche and receiving one. That means that even if it sounded good, there may have been factors she didn't consider (i.e. The bacon is peppered) and factors that changed that may result in the requested food no longer being something that sounds stomachable.

In that case, why let her choose? Just cook the same as the rest of the family and if she doesn’t eat it then give her a yoghurt or something that she will eat, but requires zero effort.

Or get her involved in the cooking process. Gracie is 2.5 and helps with the dinner every night - she can do a surprising range of tasks considering her age! Things like getting the ingredients ready, mixing, counting things, spreading.

Also, I don’t make her anything that contains ingredients she doesn’t like. I’m guessing you knew she didn’t like peppered bacon? If Gracie didn’t like peppered bacon I’d just make her a mini quiche with standard bacon, ormakd the whole quiche with standard bacon, or no bacon at all.

I honestly think giving her less freedom would actually help, providing she can trust that the food you make doesn’t have any foods that she definitely won’t eat.

In terms of deciding “no go” foods, I’d get a large piece of red, amber and green card. I’d print off pics/names of lots of foods, and have her decide if it’s green (she will eat it) Amber (she will taste it or she doesn’t mind) and red (no go food) and maybe review every six months. I’d also say nofood can start off red, it must start in Amber. That should help you visually remind her of foods she does/doesn’t like.

The big thing is definitely touching and smelling foods without pressure to eat it. 9/10 times she nibbles on things before she’s supposed to and decides if she likes them or not before they even make it to her plate.

 

[tobywells]

My kids always ask me about food wherever we go. We go for a walk right after breakfast, they ask me when are we going to eat, same in leisure centre, kayak swimming. It got easier when we alloed them to plan a daily menu and cooked with us all meals.

 

[noon_child]

Reading your original post (sorry I haven't read all the replies) it sounds like she's anxious about all the "What if's" (very common in all anxiety). "What if they make something I don't like? I have to know what they are making because the uncertainty is killing me!" "What if it's something I did like but suddenly I don't anymore", "What if there's an ingredient inside that I didn't know was there?" etc. etc. Is she scared of anything specific happening if she eats food e.g a fear of gagging and being sick. With the food that she is now sick off, these are at least ones you know she can eat - she probably just got bored of them because she was having them too often, so that's more pickiness than anxiety as anxiety is about the unknown and uncontrollable.

It's difficult to know where to go because if you give her too much control then she'll feel food is something that SHOULD and MUST be controlled - whereas she needs to feel that not-knowing is safe and having something new or unknown is safe (even if it makes her sick - that's not the end of the world; yes it's not pleasant but it's just sick, you wont be cross, she'll still be safe). However giving her no control may make her seek control buy complete refusal to try anything to exert the control and power she does have.

Involving her in cooking, emphasising trying and tasting above eating are always good starts. The green,amber, red cards (but red must be revisited and tried periodically) sounds good too.

 

[adrie]

I've decided that food battles are just not something I'm willing to do anymore. My daughter is 4.5 and no joke, grazes all day. I keep telling myself that when she is a bit older and more grown up it will work itself out, as she will be attending school so naturally will have a schedule and can't eat all day in class. I honestly don't care about this issue at all anymore. She gets all the food groups in so I'm not that concerned.