this time last year

[kermit4]

not posted about my loss for a long time but I felt today I'd like to think a little about my wee man born a year ago today. I delivered him at 14+5wks after hospital diagnosed a missed miscarriage. he had died soon after we had seen him waving at us during a scan at 12+1wks.

At the hospital the midwives kept telling me I'd be back in a years time holding a wriggly baby in my arms. It upset me at the time because I felt it was diminishing how special that little boy was, it felt like they were saying... "oh well, that one didn't work, never mind, just make another one."

Well it turns out they have predicted correctly, little brother or sister was due to arrive yesterday, the day before our angel's first birthday. It took me a while to shake the feeling we had just made a 'replacement'. we fell pg the first cycle we started trying after our loss. I hadn't expected to.

This jumbly baby hasn't arrived yet. I'm so excited to meet this little one, but I'm a bit worried about what other emotions might surface. We are going to the same hospital, and this time I will get to see a baby and fall even more in love, this baby deserves all my joy. is it fair that I will be thinking of what his/her brother might have looked like?

On the other hand, I'm glad that we will have a living, growing, thriving joy to help us remember our lost soul. I think that our joy will make the pain of loss more acute and that pain in turn will make our joy all the more intense.

Just alot to get my head round at the moment I guess... trying to approach the birth as calmly and confidently as possible and not allowing myself to dwell on how I was feeling at this time last year which was empty, bereft, with no control over what was happening to me. On my angel's birthday I will try to take strength from my experience of his birth, I can get through and cope with so much and I have so much love to give to him and his little brother or sister.

Missing him everyday.
K.x

 

[jules444]

sending lots and lots of love xx

 

[Kent Mummy]

This coming Sunday it will be a year ago since I miscarried at 8 weeks, so I guess it's another date to get passed (after the due date which was early June 2010).

I'm still finding myself getting upset about it, and trying to concentrate on my 2 year old and also my 35 week bump! But you never will forget the little angels who didn't make it, and I guess my hormones are not helping either.

It's nice to talk about it on here as I feel I can't mention it to other people, I feel they don't know what to say and there is an awkward silence. In fact I'm in tears typing this.

Sorry didn't mean to hyjack your post. Just wanted to say I know how you are feeling. xxxx

Loz

 

[debgreasby]

 

[Tulip]

My MW (an angel mummy herself) has warned me already about the clash of emotions we will feel when our rainbow babies arrive. She says the key is to go with the flow - love your baby but don't feel guilty for mourning your little guy. Without him, this one wouldn't be here

Best of luck to you for the next few days.

xxx

 

[mislaww]

Big hugs Kermit. Good luck on your upcoming delivery day!

 

[kermit4]

Thanks so much ladies..

still waiting on this little one to make an appearance but it's good in a way. Even if it's just a few days I feel like it's given a bit more separation between my angel bub and this wriggly long awaited bundle.

Kent mummy, I hope that sunday wasn't too painful for you and a chance to think about your angel. I think it seems to be particularly difficult for people to talk about past losses to us mums-to-angels when they know we are pregnant again. I think they must worry about reminding us of it or making us think less than positively about our current pregnancy. If only they could realise that we will never forget our angels so they shouldn't worry about reminding us. Hugs to you.. I hope your last few weeks go smoothly, it seems like a long wait but it will fly past!

Tulip, Clash of emotions is exactly right... I do worry about feeling guilty when this bub arrives... he or she will get so much of the smiles and happy joyful love, when my litle lost man got love from me and my OH but so much grief and anxiety. And our families never got to know or bond with him in any way. I feel lucky that me and OH had that time with him, knowing he was growing and wriggling even just for those few short months but our families had only just found out about him and then he was gone.
Your MW sounds like a marvel... the ones I have dealt with are lovely but not one has even mentioned my loss let alone aknowledged how it might be impacting on this pregnancy. They are just way too short of time to do anything other that take my BP, check my urine and check bubs heart for 10 secs... there is so much more to pregnacy than just the physical stuff... the emotions and the mental space you are in have a massive impact on how we feel and how we approach the pregnancy and being a new mum. Hugs to you and thanks for your words.x

Anyway... enough waffling from me.
Thanks again ladies,
K.x

 

[Tulip]

Good luck sweetie, I can't wait to hear you've had your first snuggles xx