To delay or not?

[bumbleberry]

Hi all,

I'm back here again! Been a while but my life has changed a lot in the past two years... I'm recently engaged to an amazing man and we are looking to get married April/May 2018. My daughter is now 5 and we have discussed having another

We can't decide whether to have another before wedding or after? (I would rather sooner due to us being older (me 37, OH 39) and I don't particularly want to be 40 by the time we start TTC so it's looking likely that I could be getting my coil removed in the near future and we will NTNP instead But it may be that the wedding will have to wait (finances etc) but I don't know yet.... Anyone else in a similar predicament?!

 

[MindUtopia]

Me personally, I think I would want to move the wedding forward, having something really small and affordable but make it special, and then TTC immediately after. I'll be 36 when we start to TTC #2 later this year, so totally understand your urgency (we'll also have a 4.5 year age gap). But I also appreciate that having a older child means you have a little bit more time for yourselves and can be a little more selfish then you would if you had a new baby too. I would want to enjoy my wedding, possibly have a night to ourselves or take a short honeymoon alone, even if just a few nights. I know I couldn't do that with one under 2 as well. I think I'd take advantage of how much easier things are now and make the most of it before another baby comes along, but also I wouldn't want to put that off to long just because I know I'm getting older and the age gap is getting bigger. Is there any reason you aren't planning to get married for another 2 years? Is it mostly finances? Would you consider having a smaller wedding sooner?

 

[bumbleberry]

Thanks MindUtopia, it's good to try and get another perspective. I'd love to bring the wedding forward but it is really down to finances. It's already a small wedding that were planning and even then it's pretty tight. We're paying for the whole wedding ourselves so it's not that anyone can help either.

I keep going back and forth on it and just can't decide what's for the best...

 

[arturia]

My opinion is that weddings and marriage first are as important as you make them. If for your future husband and you being married first is necessary, see about how you could move up the wedding. If it isn't all that important, TTC. I agree that your age is an important factor to consider.

 

[bumbleberry]

Thanks arturia

We both know we want to get married to each other at some point, we knew early on in the relationship that it was different from previous long term relationships we've had. Being married first is not a necessity in my eyes, it would just be nice.

I think what's bothering me is my age more than anything, I understand women are leaving it later these days but I still would rather not leave it too late or become higher risk etc.

 

[stellababy]

I am also concerned about my age.. IMy advice to TTC sooner rather than later. Is there a reason your wedding is planned so far in the future hunny?

 

[bumbleberry]

I am also concerned about my age.. IMy advice to TTC sooner rather than later. Is there a reason your wedding is planned so far in the future hunny?

Thanks stellababy we decided two years as it felt right and we didn't want to rush it. Plus we wanted to save for the wedding that we'd like, rather that do it on a budget iykwim? Speaking to suppliers and such, two years is about the average now especially for people looking to pay for the whole day themselves which we are so we didn't think it was too far away.

I also have PCOS, I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with it, I had 3 m/c's before my daughter. I don't know if age has any bearing on the effects of PCOS but wouldn't want to leave it to chance...

 

[tkeith8109]

Even though I'm younger I also have pcos and when my husband and I first got engaged I knew that the older I got the worse my pcos would get. I couldn't handle the thought of having no kids. So instead of a nice wedding we decided to get married in the park with our family, only costed $139 including the license. We said if the wedding was that important we would have waited but we wanted a family more. 5 months after trying we got pregnant with our daughter that is now 5 1/2. We also have a 3 yr old son and are talking about #3. Good luck with whatever you decide. Congratulations on your engagement as well!

 

[M&S+Bump]

If it was me, I would have the baby first then marry after. We got married on a shoe-string when I was 18 weeks with #2, my husband organised the whole thing in about 12 weeks and it started off kind of a joke then got a little serious towards the end, and honestly I think ours was way better than a friend I know who spent on her dress the same as we spent on almost the entire wedding. Three years on, the day is a distant (nice, but distant) memory and I'm so glad we didn't spend a lot on it.

You have the rest of forever to get married, you can do that whenever. Babies are unpredictable, especially with PCOS - it took us 18 months to get pregnant with #1.

 

[mommyor1]

Honestly, a women told me not to wait till I was married to just do it, the regret of waiting and not being able to conceive is worst. Well, I didn't listen and now I am going on my 4th cycle of BFN. I recently decided to change careers and will still continue to try and change careers if it arrives. Instead of putting this off again. If I was you, I'd take the plunge!

 

[Isme]

I would not wait to conceive. I waited for almost 7 years to start trying for our third. I am now 31 and next month will mark one year of TTC. A lot can change in your body within even just a year or two, especially if you are closer to 40 than to 30. A marriage begins in your heart. If you are in a committed and stable relationship, then a wedding ceremony is merely that: ceremony. Save up for the wedding experience you want. You only get one. Meanwhile, if you are able to conceive another before then, think of how great it will be to have BOTH of your children able to participate in such a special day. (Even if one of them might be too young to remember. ;-) )

 

[hanni]

You're never too old to get married but your body one day will be too old to have babies. Sorry I that sounds rude but you get what I mean. No brainer in my opinion.

 

[Catalyst]

Yes!! O yes!!
I am taking my masters degree in educations and will finish next spring (so litle under 1,5 year left!). So we have been talking about having baby right after, so when writing my thesis or whats it called (Im not english) I would be pg and when turning it in I wold be ready to pop haha But sometimes I think it would be better to start working as a teacher first and then have a baby, but that would mean I would not be able to get pg untill fall 2018 and baby due sometimes 2019!! Feels so far away...

 

[bumbleberry]

Aw thanks everyone for your input, it really has helped I love what you said Isme about marriage starting in your heart, that is so true

So we're definitely thinking about giving it a go around May/June. I'm going to get my mirena out then and just see what happens, let fate decide so to speak xx

 

[pamela3340]

Have you discussed this with your obstetrician or midwife? With your concern about age, he/she may be able to offer you advice and support. Sometimes testing to determine where you are fertility wise may be offered by some doctors.

I tend to agree with those saying try now, and wed later, or have a smaller, intimate wedding. Good luck!