To know or not to know?

[lovelea]

Hi,

I have just read a thread on here about a couple who know but have kept it a secret from others.

My situation is a bit different. i have my scan in a months time and I would like to know but my husband and family do not want to know. I am not sure I can keep such a big secret from so many people close to me especially my husband. I just wondeer whether I would give something away when looking at baby clothes etc and I would feel awful if I spoiled it for him.

Has anybody else found out the sex but has to keep it a secret from their husband/partner? Is it possible to keep the secret?

 

[MrsMalowey]

I think it would be hard not to accidentally say he or she when talking about the baby?

 

[Eliza_V]

Wow I imagine that's going to be hard! DH and I know but have kept it a secret from everyone else, and that's hard enough.. We decided to do it that way as part of us did want a surprise, but we were also far too curious! But we didn't want everyone else knowing as we wanted them to still have the surprise. I imagine it would be hard trying to keep it from your partner as if you're out together and you spot a nice outfit/toy/nursery decoration or whatever you'd want someone to talk to about it. In all honesty I think it would be too hard to keep the secret from your partner, and I know I'd feel like I'm keeping something that has helped me bond with my child from my partner (I'm not saying it's like that for everyone, that's just me )

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[Palestrina]

I have a strong opinion about this and sorry to offend anyone but.... keeping a secret like that is insane. This is YOUR pregnancy. YOU are the one who is carrying this baby and YOU are the one who makes the decision to find out the sex or not. Everybody else needs to respect that. If you decided to not find out the sex of the baby but everyone wanted to know,would you tell the sonographer to write down the sex in an envelope and then hand it to any person that wanted to know? NO. This is not about other people, it's about YOU.

Keeping a secret like that is not only stressful but it's disrespectful of others to expect. The decision to find out the sex is YOURS and everyone needs to fall in line with that. When THEY have a baby they can choose to do whatever they like and everyone would respect that, including you and me alike.

I chose to find out the sex of my baby. My husband was onboard with that decision. But to be frank, even if he didn't agree I wouldn't compromise because I believe it's my uterus, my decision to make. I'm the Mommy!

Oh and by the way, the element of surprise doesn't appeal to everyone, which is why I chose to find out. But for the sake of surprises we've decided not to share the name we chose with anyone until our little boy is born. For some reason though when I tell people we are not sharing the name until baby is born they get offended and upset. So I've learned to say "we haven't chosen a name yet." Geez, darned if you do, darned if you don't with some people. No matter what you decide, people will disagree with you. I don't worry about pleasing anyone but myself.

 

[Eliza_V]

The decision to find out the sex is YOURS and everyone needs to fall in line with that. When THEY have a baby they can choose to do whatever they like and everyone would respect that, including you and me alike.

The amount of people I've had to say this to is ridiculous! I hate people telling me whether I "should" or "shouldnt" find out, and I remind them that it isn't up to them! In the end when someone found out I knew, and they said "Oh you shouldn't do that, you've ruined the surprise.. What are you having?" I said "Well I dont' want to ruin the surprise for YOU." and we ended up sticking with it and refusing to tell anyone. People are STILL trying to find out and it's so disrespectful! (Some even stopped talking to us for a bit, and then tried to lay traps for us to slip up!) Our baby, our choice!

 

[Bexxx]

If you want to find out, find out! Don't let other peoples opinions bother you

I was in the opposite situation, my OH was desperate to find out, but I didn't want to know at all, so we never found out in the end

 

[PinkP]

Have to agree with the other girls . . ultimately as you are carrying the baby you have the final decision

If I was in that situation,other people's opinions would simply not matter . . x x

 

[Ew68j5]

I think it is difficult, yes I am carrying the baby....but my husband really wants a surprise and although I'm curious to find out we're going to stay yellow because it's his baby too and it just won't work for me to keep it a secret. I think some dad's find it difficult to feel a part of the pregnancy, its not their fault that we get to carry the baby - I wouldn't want to ruin it for him. Every couple is different though.

 

[SLS]

Great post - I really want to find out but OH doesn't.
I dont believe this baby is "MINE" as someone has mentioned - as i couldnt have made it on my own ! Its "ours" - although I feel incredibly protective and have let the words "my baby" slip a couple of times when discussing things with OH, the baby is ours.
I was going to go for a gender scan without OH knowing but couldn't do it - purely as I dont believe I have a right to sneak about and be having scans without him knowing - if it was the other way round I would hate it ! I have my 20wk scan in 2 weeks - im hoping its quite obvious what "it" is !

 

[Mama627]

You said you have a month until your scan... maybe you could persuade your hubby to change his mind on finding out the gender before the scan? Either way, you should have the sonographer write down the gender and put it in an envelope in case you guys change your mind later on -- that way you won't have to pay for another scan to find out what you're having. Hopefully curiosity will get the best of him and you'll be able to find out at the scan though!

 

[LaLaBelle]

I don't think it's really possible to keep that a secret. We now call our baby "she" and "her" all of the time, I would definitely slip up in front of people. Plus, it's pretty obvious from the baby's closet with all the pink and such.

You said that your husband AND family don't want to know- well, tough cookies for the family part- that is not their decision to make. The husband is trickier, though, since he's your partner in all of this. Personally, I think that the mother should get to decide, since you're the one carrying the baby. It also depends on how strongly your husband is against finding out. Ultimately, I think that you should get slightly more vote on whether or not to find out.

 

[HungryHippo]

I think it is difficult, yes I am carrying the baby....but my husband really wants a surprise and although I'm curious to find out we're going to stay yellow because it's his baby too and it just won't work for me to keep it a secret. I think some dad's find it difficult to feel a part of the pregnancy, its not their fault that we get to carry the baby - I wouldn't want to ruin it for him. Every couple is different though.

I really admire your logic in this post. Yes, we're carrying but it's not all about us. I, too, want my OH involved as much as possible. His feelings are extremely important to me. That being said, I don't think it will ruin the pregnancy for him if he finds out (accidentally or on purpose) the sex of the baby. You'll have to let us know what you guys decide to do. Good luck with your decision!!

 

[Vanilla_girl]

I left it up to my husband if we find out or not. I'm also leaving it up to him if we tell anyone, or if we tell anyone the name. He has so few choices in OUR pregnancy that I want him to feel as included as possible.
He was going back and forth on finding out the gender, but looking at names pushed him into wanting to know!! He says we're not looking at names until we can eliminate half of them lol.

 

[mistyscott]

I also disagree with the post about it being MY pregnancy and therefore my choice alone; I'm also in the position of my husband not wanting to know whilst I'd quite like to. But there's no way I'm going to dictate what we do about OUR baby to him. He's already said if I really want to know then we can - but I know he doesn't and as others have said, it can be hard enough for dads to feel involved so I plan to respect his feelings.

That said, he's been talking to other dads recently and they've told him it's better to find out - so now he's torn bless him!

 

[cutie4evr01]

I agree with most of the others that it will be difficult to keep it a secret from your OH. It would be best if the two of you could come to a compromise. I really wanted to know the gender and my husband really didn't, but he gave in for my first daughter, so we found out. This pregnancy, same situation, I gave in since I got my way last time, so this pregnancy we didn't find out and are staying on team yellow. I think what his family wants should not influence you - it's really up to you and him only. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

 

[lovelea]

Thanks for all your replies. I am leaning towards finding out and just watching what I say around my husband. I think I have as much a right to find out as my husband has to not want to know. It doesn't bother me to still buy neutral coloured cloths etc as we just need basic clothes for the first week. I will be happy just knowing because since wanting children I always wanted to have a little girl. Of course I will love whatever we have but I want to find out so if it is a boy, whilst I think I may be a little disappointed for a second or so I know I will see his little face and love him so much. Also I hope if things go well we can have another child so if we have a boy maybe next time we may have a girl. If we don't then it's not meant to be. Despite wanting a girl, my friends all tell me boys are better. Also my husband also said he secretly would like a girl but likes the thought of taking a boy to football. I did remind him that there are girl football fans too.

I feel like I'm having to justify to myself why I want to know which is ridiculous. I'm also worried that I will regret finding out but I also think even though I know I will be so overwhelmed when it is born that the importance of whether I found out or not pales into insignificance.

Does it really add to the birth by not knowing or by knowing?

 

[Palestrina]

Does it really add to the birth by not knowing or by knowing?

Good luck, I wouldn't have the strength or patience to do what you'll be doing. I can't imagine how difficult it will be to not let a "he" or "she" slip out by accident.

Everyone I know that has found out the sex, including myself, have not regretted it one iota. On the contrary I'm really bonding with my little guy in there and OH and I are constantly making funny references to him like "you boys are driving me crazy already!" or "this guy is gonna be a kickboxing star judging from those kicks!" It feels so good when hubby asks me "what's he doing in there?" instead of calling him an "it" all the time, yawn!

It has also helped us make important decisions like whether or not we will circumsize our son and I feel like I'm learning how to be a mom to a BOY, which was a difficult concept to get wrap my head around as I was sure it was a girl from the getgo.

 

[emyandpotato]

I was unsure about finding out, except it was me that kind of wanted to wait and OH who wanted to know, and I went in to the scan thinking we'd find out but didn't in the end and I'm so glad I didn't. Just let your husband have a surprise this time and find out the gender if you have more children?

 

[cucumber]

We're sticking in

Although we do refer to our LO as he... Dunno why?

 

[emyandpotato]

We're sticking in

Although we do refer to our LO as he... Dunno why?

We do this too, I think I'll feel bad if it's a girl but then again better than calling a boy she