To tell or not to tell

[anna matronic]

Hi, I am new to this forum, found out 3 weeks ago I was pregnant. After a terrible few weeks deciding what was best I have decided to keep it and am now coming to terms and really happy. I have great support from my family and the few friends who know.

But the one thing that depresses me is the father issue. I got pregnant from a one night stand, I have had the 'talk' from my dad but also had to remind him I am nearly 30 the father is a friend who I have known for about 18 months.

We see each other every few months and when I got pregnant wasn't a one off. We talk, but not much, but do have a friendship and respect for eachother.

My problem is I actually don't really want him to have anything to do with the baby, maybe it is my hormones and I am protecting myself but at the moment I don't want him knowing. He is going to find out I am pregnant, I can't keep that from him (through mutual friends, facebook or when I see him etc)

I know it takes two to tango and I have had advice from both sides, one saying I should do what is best for me, whereas others say I have no right not telling him and he has a right to know.

I just don't want this tie with him, I don't want his help financially and I live miles away from him also.

I feel so selfish and don't want to deprive my child of a dad, but at the same time don't really want a part time dad who walks in and out as and when he feels. On the other hand he might want to be involved.

I just can't handle the telling him. Although it was both our mistake, I have chosen to bring this child in to the world when I had other options.

I have thought about telling him I am pregnant and seeing his reaction, then I have thought about waiting for my 12 week scan, I have also considered waiting till baby is here.

I just don't know, I am all over the place. Pissed off I got into this mess in the first place, but now so happy I have made my decision to become a mum. I just don't want to become the worlds biggest bitch in the process.

Any advice would really be welcomed.

Thank you

 

[lou_w34]

Well my opinion is that you should tell him
I know its hard, but he does have a right to know, after all bubs is half his.
You never no, he could be an amazing dad, and just because he would be a 'part time' dad, doesnt mean he will be rubbish, or it would be bad for your baby.

Not to mention when your baby asks you in 18 or so years where their dad is, you will have to tell them you didnt tell him, and face the consequences of that.

He needs a chance to prove that he can be a good dad, and your not giving him that if you dont tell him.

There are plenty of women on here who would do ANYTHING to have the dads of their babies play an active role in their childs lives... you owe it to your baby to tell him, then if he decides he doesnt want to be involved thats his loss, but he could be an amazing dad.

good luck with what you decide

xx

 

[anna matronic]

Deep down I know what you are saying is 100% correct. I think maybe at the moment I am very defensive about it all. It has been a life changing shock for me!!

I suppose it is how I tell him that scares the hell out of me. If I text or call him saying we need to talk he is going to know that something is up and unless he is totally stupid he would guess what!!

 

[lou_w34]

If your afraid about how to tell him, how about write him a letter, or text him? i know its not as good as face to face, but sometimes if you cant get the words out it makes it easier.

I told fob by text, when we were still together lol, because i was scared how he would react.

Once its sent its all done lol

And dont worry, the shock will soon go, and then you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy more

xx

 

[littlekitten8]

Hun I agree that you should tell him. You might be surprised by his reaction. And as lou said if you can't face telling him to his face then send him an email or a facebook message or text. That way he can get chance to think about things before you have to face one another. Just wanted to give you massive hugs hun and wish you luck with whatever you decide

 

[VictoriaLc]

I know exactly how you feel. About a month ago, I was with my fiance, we wanted a baby.. then a few weeks later, I found out what a dirtbag he had been behind my back.. and I said I wouldnt tell him if I was pregnant. If you think he will be a bad father, Id say dont tell him. My two twin cousins were raised by my aunt and grandmother.. and they are doing great! But if you think he will be good, then maybe you should tell him. But its really your decision.. Just think into the future, when the baby is older in his teens... wont he want his/her father there at sporting events or dance recitals etc? But just so you know, im SURE your not alone in your feelings. I wish you the very best with whatever you decide! =) Congrats btw! =)

 

[anna matronic]

Thank you!! I am still really unsure and have decided to wait until I have my 12 week scan before I decide what to do

 

[xJG30]

Personally I'd tell him, It's not upto you to decide whether or not he'll be a good/bad dad.

 

[anna matronic]

Personally I'd tell him, It's not upto you to decide whether or not he'll be a good/bad dad.

It isn't about whether he'd be a good or bad dad, he is a perfectly nice and sensible person and I am sure he'd be fine, in fact I can't imagine he would be bad. It is more down to the circumstance of me conceiving and the relationship/friendship that we have.

I live a fairly long way away (he lives near my mum I have moved 60 miles away recently) seeing the baby won't be easy unless he makes the effort, I know he works most Saturdays which makes it all very hard.

I don't want to deny my child a father and I won't. But I am finding this so hard at the moment

 

[FBbaby]

You need to tell him, not so much for him even if he has a right to know but for your baby. i know with all the shock, at the moment, it is hard to imagine that this little bump is going to become a little baby, then a tantrumy toddler, a moddy teenage and one day a grown up adult just like you. The fact is, as a person, you want to know who both your parents are and be given the chance to build a relationship with both.

I was a child of divorced parents when I was only two (so haven't known anything). My dad has already been massively involved in my life and I am so thankful for that. I am now separated from my kids' dad, and even though I so wish he was totally out of my life, when I see how stable and happy my kids are, I know that doing everything to insure he is a big part of their lives is essential.

He might be a rubbish dad, he might be a great one, you might manage ok as separate parents, it might be hell, but the baby you created together deserves to have BOTH his parents in his life. You don't want to find yourself in the situation of them asking why their dad isn't around and you having to either say the truth that you didn't want him in their lives, or lie. It will be his choice whether and how he decides to be a dad (as long as you don't make it very difficult), and he will be accountable to your child, but it is up to him to prove himself.

I do agree that you should wait until the 12 weeks scan. It is such a magic moment seeing that little thing looking like a real baby and it really helps making it all more real. It is a real hard thing to do, but you might find that it will be a big weigth of your shoulders once you've done it

 

[xJG30]

Personally I'd tell him, It's not upto you to decide whether or not he'll be a good/bad dad.

It isn't about whether he'd be a good or bad dad, he is a perfectly nice and sensible person and I am sure he'd be fine, in fact I can't imagine he would be bad. It is more down to the circumstance of me conceiving and the relationship/friendship that we have.

I live a fairly long way away (he lives near my mum I have moved 60 miles away recently) seeing the baby won't be easy unless he makes the effort, I know he works most Saturdays which makes it all very hard.

I don't want to deny my child a father and I won't. But I am finding this so hard at the moment

Everyone finds it hard at first. Hell the 'sperm donor' for my son lives 250+ miles away.

 

[anna matronic]

A little update here! Well I have finally managed to meet up with him and tell him.

His reaction was as expected I guess. Shocked and angry that I didn;t tell him earlier - although that was cos he would have told me to get rid of it.

Dunno what he is going to do, whether he will be involved or not. He can take it or leave it.

I feel so bloody awful though. Why do I feel so guilty?

 

[im_mi]

i can really understand why you dont want to tell him but honey, you must.

Its not about his right to know he has a child (although that is important too), its about your baby's right to know their dad.

EDIT: just saw your update. im glad you told him, well done hun. Im sure he will come around soon xxx

 

[frankyzw]

I say tell him. The baby is half him also IYKWIM. Let him decide whether he wants to be involved or not. Congrats and enjoy your pregnancy!

 

[HoneyBee1508]

I am / was in a similar situation to you - I found out I was pregnant from what was essentially a one night stand with a friend. It's a very complicated situation, and has created alot of difficulties along the way, but I had all the same feelings as you have now. I'm now in my third trimester and many weeks have passed by, and during that time I have experienced so many emotions from guilt, anger, hurt, and although I would still prefer that he had nothing to do with us, I realise that the best thing for my child is to have both parents in her life, and at the end of the day, it's her needs that MUST come first, regardless of what I want or I don't want.

I hope this helps a bit - it's certainly helped me to write (type) it out!!

Enjoy your pregnancy and what will be will be x