Toddler care during delivery...

[myra]

We have an almost 2 year old son. The plan when baby #2 is born was to have friends come stay with him. My son has met them a couple times but they aren't very close and we don't have any family nearby. My husband has been reading up on this topic and found that it's detrimental for #1 to see mom in pain, mom and dad leave for an unspecified time and then bring the new baby home (or even if dad just comes home on his own after the birth)....increases #1s anxiety, fears etc. so we are talking about not having hubby there the whole time with me so he can be home with our son. He really wants to be there at the birth (and was every step of the way with our son- plus he's a stay at home dad this year so my son really relies on him for that emotional support)...but he also wants to make sure our son is taken care of.

I'm scared to go through labor on my own, though he assures me that he'll be there as much as possible. And I'm adult and I can rationally understand this while my son is just a little kid and it would be harder on him. So I guess I'm looking for advice if you've gone through delivery on your own (or made a similar decision) on getting through it. (I understand that this may be an uncommon approach but not not looking for advice that my husband should just stay with me the whole time since this is a decision we've already made together, even if selfishly I don't love the idea.)

Thanks!

 

[slongson]

My older children went to my mum's while I gave birth, my son nearly 3 when his sister was born was upset by the ordeal but more so because I had to stay in a week with his sister (born at 35 weeks) he broke down crying in tesco with my mum. He came to visit me every day and was always happy and didn't bother leaving again. When there younger sister was born they were nearly 3&6 also stayed in a week (born at 34 weeks) neither bothered at all I however was heartbroken because my youngest was poorly with a cold and I wasn't there for mummy cuddles but she didn't care and was happy with grandma. They also spent time with my best friend who took them out and spoiled them so they were center of attention. Now on my 4 th and last baby and don't know who will have them if it's just a night they could go my mums or friends but if it's a longer period of time my husband will have to stay home and not be with me as much but it will all work out. They will be 3,6 and 9 this time and the older two will understand and my little girl will undoubtedly struggle without me here but as soon as I get home and bk in a normal routine I'm sure all will be forgotten. Kids are resilient just make sure that whoever he goes with that they have extra fun, days out extra treats all about him so he doesn't feel the effects of being away from you as much xx

 

[Button#]

I don't have family nearby so I'm going for a home birth. I have a back up plan for my neighbour or one of my mum friends to look after DS if needs be but either way I expect OH to have to look after DS for most of the time anyway. Hospitals scare my DS as well so I don't want him to meet his sister in a hospital.

In your position is there any friends who can be with you so you're not on your own for labour or maybe consider hiring a doula to stay with you?

 

[Srrme]

My toddlers were in the delivery room with my husband and I during the birth or our 3rd son. They will be there again this time, but since we're planning a home birth will probably be playing in their room.

 

[babifever]

I'm not certain leaving him somewhere else can For certain cause detrimental psychological effects. I would try explaining that mom/ dad will be back, etc. Start also prepping him that baby is coming. Then instead of just bringing the new baby home, try having dad return and bring him to the hospital afterwards to meet New baby. You all could even return home together. Just my opinion, I imagine folks do this quite often...

However if this is a desicon you and dh have already made, I'm not sure what you are asking or wanting.....

Maybe hire a doula

 

[zorak]

Our little boy will be around 22 months when LO is due. Our plan is to have him be cared for either by his daycare provider (who has very kindly offered to care for him out of hours) or one of our friends who he knows. The daycare provider is preferable as he sees her every day and they have a great relationship. However if it is a middle of the night rush I feel funny about waking her and my friend is closer. the friend has a little girl of a similar age to my son so I think having a little buddy there will help immensely.

My husband's plan is to be there for the full labour and delivery and for some time after . He will then return home either to pick up our son and bring him to visit at the hospital or to put LO to bed as usual. Until I am discharged LO will spend some time at daycare and some time visiting in hospital but my husband will always go home at night so he gets to sleep in his own bed.

I also want my son to be there when we are discharged so he is taking baby home with us.

 

[marchsammy]

I was really worried about this too when my second was due. My first was nearly 3 but totally a mums boy, he had never stayed away over night (still hasnt and is nearly 5) and really suffered with separation anxiety from me.
We spent a lot of time preparing him, reading him books about new baby arriving (waiting for baby & my new baby I got from Amazon) and we talked him through what our plan was when the time came. I did rhink about labouring on my own for some of it so that DS could have his dad with him but we decided against it and it was lucky really as my labor was pretty intense right from the start, unlike my first which built up over a few hours!
Obviously there was no way to know what he had taken in about our preparations but on the day he was brilliant and was fine! He really surprised me (and his nana who was worried about being left with him as he was just so clingy to me)
Also his Nana drove him to the hospital so that he could bring the baby home with us, & I thought he would be desperate to see me but he walked straight past me to see the baby first!
This time around I have a 5 & 2 year old, the oldest knows what's happening and we are reading the same books to the youngest, he is better at being away from me so I'm not worried, and also they have each other now too , I'm still hoping that we can all bring the new baby home together this time too.
Good luck with whatever you end up doing, I'm sure it'll work out fine .

 

[Cattia]

We are lucky that we have my parents and lots of friends around, so my parents will come over. However I think if I was in your position I might well do what you're suggesting. I think I would worry about leaving my kids with someone I don't know all that well, and I personally would look into hiring a doula to be my birthing partner so that my DH could look after the kids. It's such a personal choice and in the end, you have to do what you are going to feel the most relaxed and comfortable with. I know when I had DS, my biggest anxiety was my daughter. My parents were away at the time and we left her with friends who we knew well, but I still didn't feel totally relaxed about it. Luckily DS was born in the middle of the night, so my DH was home with her the next morning, so she hardly noticed we were gone.

 

[babifever]

We are lucky that we have my parents and lots of friends around, so my parents will come over. However I think if I was in your position I might well do what you're suggesting. I think I would worry about leaving my kids with someone I don't know all that well, and I personally would look into hiring a doula to be my birthing partner so that my DH could look after the kids. It's such a personal choice and in the end, you have to do what you are going to feel the most relaxed and comfortable with. I know when I had DS, my biggest anxiety was my daughter. My parents were away at the time and we left her with friends who we knew well, but I still didn't feel totally relaxed about it. Luckily DS was born in the middle of the night, so my DH was home with her the next morning, so she hardly noticed we were gone.

I agree it is a personal choice. If its a factor of you not being comfortable with the people you mentioned, then definitely go with your plan, I would suggest. If it's more about the psychological effects maybe you can apply some of the suggestions I mentioned in my op.

 

[kajastarlight]

A dula may help - or do you have a friend that can go with you? One of my DH's friends (wasn't really my friend at the time and me and DH were not married yet) went into labor durring a time that no one was there for her and DH didn't want to be there because they were not "that kind of friends" so I hung with her all day. We are obviously friends now, but she did not say it was weird to have me there even though we were not close at all before that. She was just happy to have someone there at all. Maybe you have an aquantance who wouldn't mind hanging out with you that day in case your Hubby can't be there?

 

[Feronia]

I'm a huge proponent of including older children in the birth if at all possible. They adapt so much better if they are involved in the pregnancy, labour and birth. Here's a good article on it: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/siblings-at-birth/

My 2-year old daughter watched birth videos, read books about birth with me, and we talked a lot about what would happen, what noises I might make, and what she might see. She was 26 months when I went into labour ended up being awake during my home birth and actively participated (helped squeeze my hips, cut the cord, she was even the first thing he saw). She loved it! She wasn't uncomfortable and has adapted so well to her baby brother. No jealousy, and she talks about the experience still.

Some people have a birth partner around purely for the older sibling so that if it's too much for him or her, the birth partner can redirect the child to something more comfortable.

 

[Zephram]

One thing to remember is that the birth of your second is something that's going to happen over a matter of days, it's a one time event and it's unlikely to scar your LO for life.

I would feel a bit funny about leaving my LO with people he didn't know well though. Can you have them come over frequently to spend time with him before you have number two?

My LO will be staying with my parents while I'm in hospital. He sees them often and loves them to bits, but he has never stayed over anywhere without me, so I'm nervous about that. In fact I'm considering asking if my parents will come and stay at our house with him, but I think they will think that's silly and say no. It's natural to worry, but I know my LO won't be disturbed for life by the whole thing!