Told wrong gender, feeling confused

[Mrs_Bump]

Those of you from the November sparklers group will know that I was told at my 20 week scan that I was having a girl and then earlier this week, at 32 weeks, that it's a boy. So obviously me and hubby are a bit shocked. I'm not annoyed at the hospital or anything, I mean these things happen.

I am however confused. The sonographer was so confident at both scans. We saw the lines clear as day at 20 weeks. With my son at 28 weeks I had an extra scan and remember how huge his balls were, so obviously a boy. This time although I saw little bumps and it wasn't so obviously, hello I'm a boy. I'm pretty sure it is a boy but I just feel like I need to be sure.

Dh is completely devastated, he won't stop crying and I'm finding myself getting angry at him because I want him to accept our child. He doesn't even want to talk about it and when he does some of what he says worries me. Dh is a second son and his parents were always and still do always compare him to his brother and go on and on about how he falls short. This has given him real self esteem issues. He's an awesome dad and a lovely guy, much nicer than his allegedly perfect brother IMO but he's kind of got this obsession with being a second son being an awful thing in life and he feels like boys don't bond with their parents like girls do.

I'm getting worried about how he's going to be with our boys and I'm struggling with nagging doubts about what if they are wrong again. I was thinking of trying to get a private scan to help us through this, preferably 3d. He probably won't like the idea but he always lights up during our nhs scans.

Sorry this was quite long. Thoughts anyone.

 

[oneill614]

Wow that is a big surprise. I would definitely go get a private scan whether you bring him or not. If it really is a girl, that will alleviate his worries altogether, it sounds like.

I guess I would just try to reinforce with him that you and he are not like his parents, and you don't have to make your second son feel like he did growing up. Being aware of how a second child of the same gender can feel will make you even better parents. Hopefully he can see that you and he have the power to develop whatever kind of relationship you want to have with your children. You could have him join the gender disappointment section on this board also. I haven't been on there but talking to someone else may help as well.

 

[Twinmum87]

I was told I was def having 2 girls several times last time up until 32 weeks when they finally spotted boy bits on one baby and I had them 2 weeks later.

Your OH only feels like that because of how his parents raised him but that doesn't mean thats how you will both raise your sons. A lot of my family has 2 or 3 boys and all have bonded very well with their parents, with each other, not been compared or made to feel insignificant or worth lass than the eldest etc that is purely his parents failings and not the norm so he really need not worry. He knows how bad it feels to be treated that way so in turn he will make sure a second son will be treated right and never made to feel like that and therefor the child will not have a bad experience of being the second boy.

 

[justplay91]

Mrs_Bump, I just read in Twag's journal about you finding out she is actually a boy! I'm sorry you guys are kind-of in limbo right now as far as knowing goes. I would definitely get another scan, a "tie-breaker" of sorts. Poor DH... I know lots of second or third sons who are just as loved and cherished by their parents as their older sibling(s). It sounds like that was a problem unique to DH's family and definitely not the way it has to be. And plenty of boys bond very well with their parents! I know a guy my age who considers his dad to be his best friend! It sounds like your poor hubby maybe doesn't have the best relationship with his family, but you two can do a much better job and your outcome will be completely different.
I know I would be upset momentarily if I found out this baby was actually a boy. But then I would get really excited, because I would love to see my son with a little brother, and I would love observing and enjoying their similarities and differences.

 

[Mrs_Bump]

Thanks for the feedback. I've told him this stuff but it doesn't seem to work. It's like the issue is too ingrained. That's why a scan appeals to me. He's an amazing dad and I feel like once he sees him it will help. I've found a clinic that will do up to 34 weeks, most only do 32 because baby is too squished up, so I'm going to talk to him once he gets in, it's for me too. I feel like if will solidify things for me. Wish me luck ladies!

 

[justplay91]

Good luck!!

 

[Twag]

Mrs Bump you are having to deal with this hun

After you found about about baby becoming a boy I freaked out a little (as you know) and actually contacted a private scan place about getting a gender scan to get confirmation as it were and i was told that at 32 weeks it is really hard for them to tell the gender unless baby is in the exact perfect position because they are so much bigger and have less room to move to see

BUT if you think it would help then go for a scan

I had to deal with DH having gender disappointment with Elliot as he wanted a girl and at our 20 week scan we were told and clearly saw that he was a boy from that point onwards until he was born and a little after DH took no interest in him at all and it was damn hard - although this time he said he wouldn't be as upset or react the same way - this is why I was so freaked out as I honestly couldn't go through that again it was a very lonely and hard time for me

I hope your DH gets over his shock soon and as everyone has said you are not the inlaws you are different and you wouldn't do the same to your 2nd son as they did to your DH

HUGE hun xx

 

[Twag]

Just saw your other post Good luck with the scan talk and I hope you get confirmation one way or the other

 

[icegurl470]

Wow, this was my biggest fear both times around because I had an older brother and didn't have a good experience with that growing up, so I really wanted my eldest to be a girl and would have been totally devastated if they were wrong. This time around I can honestly say we wanted a boy and found out we were having another girl but would still be really upset if they were wrong because a lot of our baby stuff is really girly.. I went uni-sex with most the stuff I bought because I knew we were going to have at least one more but we got a lot of hand-me-downs and gifts that we would not be able to use for a boy and I'm VERY big on planning and being prepared and would be very stressed out to find out we were in fact having a boy and had to change the nursery and get a whole new wardrobe at the last minute.. I wonder how they got it wrong, hopefully he doesnt have a little of both parts! They tell you it's not 100%, so I'm sure you were just one of the unlucky few. Hopefully your husband comes around, good luck

 

[2have4kids]

Wowzers, that's a shock to the system, have you bought lots of things? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and I think you're doing everything I would do to deal with DH's upset. I hope he can get over his disappointment and be there for you and your family.

 

[tallybee]

Gosh hun that sounds hard xx sorry I've nothing to add really xx just

 

[Mrs_Bump]

He agreed to the scan, we are going Saturday. We have to go Watford but hopefully it'll be worth it. Watford are playing at home and it's the same road as the clinic though, whoops! I did tell him it was for me, which is sort if true as I think I will benefit but it's mainly for him.

 

[justplay91]

I'm so glad you're getting the scan. I think it will really benefit you both, and I hope you get 100% confirmation either way.

 

[icklemonster]

I'm so sorry you're going through this I think a 3D scan should help not only confirm but really help your OH bond more. I love 3D scans as they make everything seem so much more real than the 2D equivalents.
A similar thing happened to my 2nd cousin, they were told they were having a boy, bought all boy stuff, but then out came a little girl! Bit of a shock for everyone, but everyone adjusted quite quickly. It's now one of those family stories, so I'm sure once the shock wears off it will be a story for the future and given how your OH feels I'm sure he will make an extra effort to make things equal for both boys xxx

 

[Twag]

Glad you are getting the scan I hope you can get some confirmation

 

[sg0720]

I know sometime girl parts can be swollen are they sure? They aren't mistaken it for boy

 

[sg0720]

He agreed to the scan, we are going Saturday. We have to go Watford but hopefully it'll be worth it. Watford are playing at home and it's the same road as the clinic though, whoops! I did tell him it was for me, which is sort if true as I think I will benefit but it's mainly for him.

Good luck I hope you guys see what your hoping for

 

[Mrs_Bump]

To be honest the main thing I want to see is a smile on dh's face.

 

[littlesteph]

I think it might be worth doing a private one.
that must have been so hard on your hubby growing, its understandable he feels the way he dose. I think he's just worried that he'll do the same to your 2nd boys that his parents did to him. he'll come round soon.

 

[Buttercup84]

Gosh that must have been hard to take in for you both, hope the scan is a positive experience on Saturday and whatever the result you'll have a clear answer either way