Torn apart inside..updated =))))

[nkbapbt]

As the title says...Im utterly torn apart inside my heart and soul. I went to the specialist a few days ago to speak to them about my risks and health if I was too get pregnant again (some thing we were thinking about trying to do once I stop pumping next year). So they ran a bunch of tests (ultrasound and so on), to which I just got the results of (thank dog for a great family doc who doesn't make you wait suffering!)....

I have to go back a little into my history to explain this...but when I was 16 I was held down by my then boyfriend, while his roommate (my ex was older) repeatedly raped me (as did my boyfriend). When it was all over they thought it would be safer to basically gut/rape me with a coat hanger in order to prevent pregnancy.


This was a very long time ago and I refuse to let myself feel sorry for myself over it. I have worked WAY too hard to over come it. And I plead you do not feel sorry for me either. It made the woman I am today and frankly I am happy with the strong woman I am today.

I only tell you this because it affects the outcome of any pregnancies I have. The doctors are all saying I will never be able to carry a baby to term because of all the scar tissue. In lesser scar tissue situations they can operate but because my cervix and bladder are so involved they cannot.

So basically I cannot have anymore children.

I haven't told my hubby yet, because frankly?? I am scared. He wants two kids and he is already out to get my ex for what he did to me....I cannot imagine what this will make him want to do (he is not a violent man).

Sorry for the long post, but I am just so gutted and have been holding it in for what seems like forever.

 

[sophie c]

OMG hun, sorry i dont know if i should post in this section but i just wanted to give you huge and to say you a such a strong brave woman i cannot believe some animal (s) did that to you!

i cant believe what they have taken away from you


other than that i honestly do not know what to say

soooo sorry hun xxxxxxx

 

[Plumfairy]

OH my! I dont know what to say! Other than those men should have their balls chopped off for what they did and what they've now taken away from you.

I cant begin to imagine what it must feel like and I know I'd be totally devastated if I were unable to have anymore children.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it will be to tell your husband, but once he knows then it'll be a huge weight off your shoulders and you can talk about it together and discuss your options for the future.

You are such a strong woman! xxxxxxx

 

[nkbapbt]

It's ok to not know what to say. And Sophie you are always welcome here.

I thought I had put this all behind me, but this just brings it all up. I have struggled for so many years with the emotional and mental pain it caused me. And yet it was the reason I pulled so hard for Lakai. I just needed him to be ok because it felt like that was he was it for me.

In the back of my mind I have always wondered if this was the cause, I have MC's before...and then random premature labor. It just always hung looming over the back of my mind.

I would be lying to myself and all of you if I did not say I wish all sorts of violence on my ex, but I also know that makes me know better.

I must find the silver lining in this. And for me it's the hope my hubby will come around the possibility of adopting our next child (I was adopted so this means a LOT to me). He has said in the past he may not love an adopted child the same way, but I highly doubt that to be true. He is just way to good of a person to let that happen.

Sigh.

I can't help but "what if"...what if I had more doctor's care when this happened? I only went to the ER because of all the blood loss. But I never followed up because of shame on what this meant for my future.

 

[grumpymoo]

What an amazing lady you are!

I cant begin to imagine how much you are hurting right now and how much you are having to deal with emotionally, but you are truly amazing to be so strong and you are such a wonderful mummy to Lakai too.

I don't know what to say, its just so painful for you, but I hope that you and your hubby can work something out in regards to your next baby. I have a strong feeling you will!!!! Good luck xx

 

[premmiemum123]

I am so sorry to read about your traumatic experience, awful, I just don't understand how people can do this. I think you are amazing to have worked through it and come out the other side positive....I just can't imagine what you have been through.
I am also sorry to hear you cannot have more children, however can see you are trying to be postitive about this by considering adoption....you are so strong I cannot but admire you....adoption is such a wonderful thing, to have been chosen by a family is so special and to give a child the opportunity of love and care is a gift. You are a wonderful lady.

I am sure you and your hubby can work through this as you have been through so much already, it could not have been easy telling him about your trauma at age 16 and then you both having to cope with Lakai's fight for survivial...I can only imagine you are a very strong couple.
I hope you work this out...best wishes...xx

 

[Emma.Gi]

That's horrible hun, I can't believe that some people can be so disgusting and the fact that he didn't think about how much it could affect you in the future just makes it 100 times more disgusting.

Big hugs x

 

[Lottie86]

I really don't know what to say You are such an amazing strong woman and I am sure if you adopt that your husband would love another child just as much as he loves Lakai.

I can't begin to imagine how hard a discussion it will be to tell your husband this news but I'm sure he'll give you his full support and you know that we are always here for you

Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

 

[Abigailly]

I'm sure your husband will be there for you no matter what, I think it would be best to tell him sooner rather than later - so you can work through it together.

There's also other things rather than adoption, surrogacy?

 

[AP]

What can I say?

You're just amazing.

 

[Dona]

I hope your hubby does find these men and stick a coat hanger right where the sun don't shine.

No words to describe what you went through. Sending you lots of hugs. xxxxxx

 

[Mumof42009]

You are such a strong woman huni to go through all that xx

 

[pinkmac85]

You know I'm here to talk if you ever need anything!!

 

[Tiff]

Omg, I had no idea! Well, of course that's silly... how could I? I'm literally sitting here in tears my heart is breaking for you. I know, I know that isn't what you want but I just can't help it... it is bad enough what they did to you and the emotional trauma you had to carry because of it, but to now be told you can't have more children?



What are your feelings on surrogate mothers? Would you be willing to go that route? I know how important it was for you to be able to carry a baby to term, and have the big large bump to fall in love with... but maybe it could be a way to have another baby?

Hell, I'd be a surrogate mother for you if you ever needed one! I'm so sorry. I don't really know if what I am saying is insensitive, or downplaying what you are feeling.

It isn't meant that way, for sure. Big love and hugs being sent your way!

 

[nkbapbt]

Thanks ladies. It really means a LOT to me to have your support. I woke up today feeling a lot better about it. It does still hurt, but I think mostly because something has been ripped away from me and my husband. I told him last night and we stayed up till 3am talking about it. His reaction wasn't what I thought it would be. I think the shock hasn't worn off yet, he is being very deadly calm. Im still waiting for the storm.

But I just have to keep thinking this isn't the end of anything, its the beginning of something else.

Maybe it's god (or whomever..Im not religious) way of saying adoption was always the way to go.

Sometimes life and circumstance make your choices for you. While it does suck, I can't stay angry forever. I can't be the victim in this anymore than I have been already. I have done the whole battered woman thing, I have done the rape survivor thing and maybe now I just need to do the moving on thing.

This all makes the miracle that is Lakai so much more meaningful. I always knew how special he is, but this really sets it in stone.

Today I am ok with it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Thank you all so much!

 

[embojet]

You are truly amazing . It must have been so hard to tell your husband too. You are no way a victim, you are an inspiration!

 

[nkbapbt]

Awe Tiff and Em. You both just made me cry! I actually never even thought of surrogate mothers. That's something to think about. And your post isn't insensitive or down playing anything. I need to think about the future or else I will get lost in dwelling on this. I've done the dwelling. I've done the whole depressed victim. I can't be that woman anymore. It's impossible to be with me when I am like that and my husband has stuck through that once before. I cannot do that to him again!

I have to tell my parents still, my mom will be the worst person to tell. She's never understood abused women. She's old fashion and doesn't get why abused women do not just leave. I have tried so many times to explain it and while it has sunk in a little....she still doesn't fully understand.

I don't know what her reaction will be.

I think she will drag me to as many specialists that it takes to get someone to "fix" me. And I will probably go along with it. *sigh*

 

[Tiff]

It might be one of those things that its a "good" thing that she doesn't understand? (Meaning more because she's never had to go through it. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years... I definitely understand what you mean!!!)

Take it one day at a time. My mother is a "fixer" as well. Maybe bring K with you for moral support? I think I remember you mentioning before that he's pretty close with your Mom as well?

Big love!

 

[embojet]

How could she understand? I dont think anyone will ever understand what you have been through. I've been through some stuff myself (but not half as much as you) and I found that telling people helped me dump it then move on. I know what you mean in that I didn't need 'fixing', I just needed to get it out and move on. It's definately made me stronger. I think you were picked to be Lakai's mum for a reason, he needed a strong Mummy to help him through his battles

oooooooh listen to me being all deep and stuff. So not me normally but I mean it

 

[MrsRoughton]

i hope you are ok, and you are working things out. and i like to think that you beat them by having your beautilful son and that. whether you adopt or not do not let these men win they are the scum of the earth and god will judge them don' you worry. and you are so brave to share you story with us and if you ever want to talk pm me hun xxx