Toxic parents long post

[laura109]

Hi i am kind of hoping that a few of us could come together to talk about toxic parents if you have ever had them? I have realised alot about my life in recent months mainly through being a mum and i have discovered how much hurt i have from the way my own parents have made me feel. I grew up with a difficult dad who wont speak to you without attitude in his voice. He is sarcastic, judgemental and critical. He is rude about the way we live. We are clean people. We have been doing our house up but we are not perfect. My dad finds fault everytime he comes over which is rarely thankfully. He expects us to have immaculate houses and gardens yet never offers his help. If you ask him a question you get nothing but attitude or sarcasm. He wont make conversation. Never asks how you are etc. wont ask you how work is etc. because they have had our daughter for two afternoons this year so we can decorate he claims weve had enough afternoons to sort our house out if we ever say we cant get stuff done around our toddlers. Despite all this hes nice to my daughter and will help you if you get stuck. Occasionally he shows signs he cares but its rare.

My mum is also difficult. I always found her more approachable growing up but looking back i realise she has never shown us love. When i was little if I didn't feel well and had a day off school i remember how unsympathetic she was. She would chuck a paracetamol at me and walk off. There was never any cuddles or reassurance. In my teens she handed me a pad when i started my periods and walked away saying put it on and that was that. I remember crying about it and she told me it was tough. I burst into tears a few times in my teens and remember how she carried on cooking ir cleaning and couldn't look at me let alone comfort me. She gave us wgat we needed, clothes and food and days out occasionally but no magic. Me and my sister always have chats about how little they did with us. We never went out for meals or to the cinema or on a train or to burger king. Things i only experienced because my friends parents would treat me. We had money but they just choose not to as they dont like eating out.

When i was pregnant they were often trying to control mu choices. They went mardy over me finding out the gender. They had ago at me when i paid for a 4d scan. They insulted our choices in names or furniture. It was exhausting dealing with them. All i wanted to do was announce i was having a girl and instead i kept quiet.

Things lately have been getting harder. My mum added me on facebook and i no longer can be myself. Occasionally when my friends chat to me on there i have to try reply without emotion so my mum doesn't moan about or judge the way i am. She hates affection. She recently called me sad because i buy lush bath products for a treat. She spent five minutes telling they are shops designed for people like me who are stupid enough to buy them. She told me it was u necessarily spending. Even though i can afford it she still can't accept that there's nothing wrong with liking things other than basics. She constantly puts me down. She even takes the mick out of the way i told her my daughter had been born. Apparently she is here was a stupid way to say it.

I don't know why my parents cant be proud and show us love. I dont know why they never visit but moan if we dont go round regular. I have realised lately that just because im emotional and want to let my daughter know i love her isn't a bad thing. I worry that I won't be able to bring my daughter up exactly how i want because im still holding back in fear of not being the person im supposed to be. My mum hates kids having birthday partys. They dont need them she says. That makes my life hard because it means i cant relax enough to throw a bash and mingle everyone in. I don't feel i can be myself around them and all my friends and partners family. I struggle to see myself being that confident person laughing and chatting to everyone in their presence. I get lectured if i buy my daughter more than 2 things for birthdays or xmas. My mum finds problems in everything i plan to get her.

Despite all this im still constantly wanting approval. I still reach out trying to get them to say what i want to hear. I send constant pictures of my daughter to my mum just so she can see her lovely clothes and her playing or eating a good meal. Its all to say look at me mum i am good. I still have a long way to go i have pulled back from visiting her and im working on my confidence. Id really love to hear anyone else's story. Hopefully we can get some support and advice to share xx

 

[BunnyN]

My parents are not perfect but they were not like you describe. My grandmother was a lot like that with my mother though. My mother made an effort to keep contact with her and have some relationship but she needed to have some distance too. She got on a bit better with her dad but there were still issues there. My mum was the youngest and her parents hadn't really wanted another child which they made fairly clear. I actually had a good relationship with my grandparents and am grateful that my mum didn't say nasty things about them to me but I was aware they gave my mum a hard time. My mum had chronic health issues as a child and was mostly just treated like she was being lazy. She also tells they story of having the flu when my parents had visitors in the house and being put in the attic room with a jug of orange juice and staying there for hrs at a time without seeing anyone when she felt like she was dying. I do remember how matter of fact and unsympathetic my gran could be even with us at times, I learned at a young age to avoid getting my hair brushed by her, lol.

It sounds to me like maybe your parents had hard upbringings themselves (that was true of my grandparents) and don't really know how to act as normal loving parents. I'd say try not to depend on their approval and try not to be hurt too much by the hurtful things they say (easier said than done). With my own grandmother I know she often said hurtful things to get a rise out of my mum or out of thoughtfulness but I don't think she always really meant it. Try and give yourself enough space from them but don't give up on having a relationship with them if possible. From experience I can say its nice for your children to have grandparents around even when things are not perfect. Intrestingly it was my mum that my grandmother turned to when she was terminally ill and they became much closer in her last couple of months.

 

[SophiasMummy]

My mum sounds a lot like yours. Friends and colleagues give me such a sad look when I say something about my mum like the fact she hasn't told me she loved me since I was little, she doesn't do hugs etc. My mum stayed with a man (my younger brother and sisters dad) for 10 years and he made my life he'll with mental and physical abuse and my mum sat back and did nothing (she's not wilting flower she just didn't care) all I've been told my entire life is I'm not good enough, she used to make fun of my weight etc. When I fell pregnant and broke up with my boyfriend she said 'what are you going to do about the other problem?' Meaning my pregnancy, eventhough I was told there was a very small chance I could get pregnant and I was under consultant care due to having a very high risk pregnancy, she told me to get an abortion constantly (because she was too young to be a grandparent, she was 45) until I told her when I was nearly 8 months pregnant in no uncertain terms that if she didn't stop then I would leave and she would never meet her grandchild. Plus no name I picked out was right (not that I cared, I picked the name I liked). She says we (her kids) owe her, goes on about how much money she spent on us growing up etc. It's just tiring.

I've recently had a fall out with my sister and my mum because they were trying to tell me how to parent, my sister who is 19 still lives at home, doesn't pay a penny in rent and won't get a job because she wants to enjoy her life and my mum let's her do it, yet when I did live at home while pregnant and searching for a job and somewhere to live I was constantly hassled about paying rent, getting a job and moving out. I realised it's just not worth the arguments or stress anymore. If it wasn't for my LO I would have nothing to do with my mum and would move away infact I still would if I could afford it then if she wanted to see my daughter she could come to us. My life is always a whole lot less stressful when she's not around.

Ironically my mum hates my grandma because she never spent time with her or showed her a lot of love (though there are some pretty decent reasons my grandma's that way) but you'd think if you've been through that yourself you'd want to be different. I know I do, I go out of my way to show and tell my daughter I love her and that I'm here for her whatever.

 

[mummylove]

MY parents arent toxi but my in laws are

 

[laura109]

My mum sounds a lot like yours. Friends and colleagues give me such a sad look when I say something about my mum like the fact she hasn't told me she loved me since I was little, she doesn't do hugs etc. My mum stayed with a man (my younger brother and sisters dad) for 10 years and he made my life he'll with mental and physical abuse and my mum sat back and did nothing (she's not wilting flower she just didn't care) all I've been told my entire life is I'm not good enough, she used to make fun of my weight etc. When I fell pregnant and broke up with my boyfriend she said 'what are you going to do about the other problem?' Meaning my pregnancy, eventhough I was told there was a very small chance I could get pregnant and I was under consultant care due to having a very high risk pregnancy, she told me to get an abortion constantly (because she was too young to be a grandparent, she was 45) until I told her when I was nearly 8 months pregnant in no uncertain terms that if she didn't stop then I would leave and she would never meet her grandchild. Plus no name I picked out was right (not that I cared, I picked the name I liked). She says we (her kids) owe her, goes on about how much money she spent on us growing up etc. It's just tiring.

I've recently had a fall out with my sister and my mum because they were trying to tell me how to parent, my sister who is 19 still lives at home, doesn't pay a penny in rent and won't get a job because she wants to enjoy her life and my mum let's her do it, yet when I did live at home while pregnant and searching for a job and somewhere to live I was constantly hassled about paying rent, getting a job and moving out. I realised it's just not worth the arguments or stress anymore. If it wasn't for my LO I would have nothing to do with my mum and would move away infact I still would if I could afford it then if she wanted to see my daughter she could come to us. My life is always a whole lot less stressful when she's not around.

Ironically my mum hates my grandma because she never spent time with her or showed her a lot of love (though there are some pretty decent reasons my grandma's that way) but you'd think if you've been through that yourself you'd want to be different. I know I do, I go out of my way to show and tell my daughter I love her and that I'm here for her whatever.

Hi thanks for sharing with me your story. My mum also was married before my dad to a man who was always drunk. He was quite cruel to her at times but never hit her. Think he smashed up a radio she took months to save up for and it was for their two young girls (my older sisters)

I also get the whole sympathetic look when i say i received no cuddles etc. i think ive noticed it alot more as an adult than a teenager because of the fact ive worked with mums. Where as at school i was hanging about with teenagers instead. When i listen to people ive worked with they all tell their grown up kids they love them etc. there is alot more support in general it seems in other families.

I also have been on the end of a cold mother in times when you need them more than ever. I remember my parents saying things to me when i was pregnant like dont be one of them mums that only talks about there baby. I even remember the hairdresser saying how many weeks are you now and my dad saying we still have another 14 weeks of hearing about it like i had bored him. I remember sitting at home when i was pregnant feeling angry because people were barely calling in when i was heavily pregnant or overdue. I ended up using that time to think about my life and all the things they had put a cloud over me in the last 9 months. Then i realised it was always that way.

I am sure you will be doing what i am. Showing love to your daughter everyday. I want to be a fun mum and a fair mum. I want her to respect people and be polite but also be strong and confident. I never want her to avoid parties because she doesn't want to dress up because she thinks shes the fattest or ugliest in the room. All my mum goes on about is weight and clothes. She doesn't leave the house much anymore and doesn't see many people at all. I think its making her even worse. She is on facebook and gets wound up seeing people showing affection or doing something silly in her eyes. Sometimes i just want to say look around you mum you are the only person who is this way so maybee its you thats the problem. But then i feel guilty.

Your mum definitely sounds like my mum. Cold. Nobody has the right to suggest abortion to somebody unless they have asked for that kind of help. I think you should be really proud of yourself for noticing that its bot normal and breaking that horrible cycle. Your daughter will have a great life being raised by someone who will bring her up with emotion.

I do struggle to be myself around my family but i see them occasionally maybee once a fortnight now. My sister is a little similar to my parents she can be quite cold with her kids and is definitely not a cuddly kissy mum. Her son has sometimes burst into tears and all she does is snaps at him. I can see a million ways she can deal with it but she just turns to biting his head off. Trouble is he is now sensitive and she can't seem to see that maybe it's because of how she treats him. Hopefully my sisters kids will break the cycle when they grow up x

 

[laura109]

MY parents arent toxi but my in laws are

Oh no thats not good. Does your partner notice? What are they like? X

 

[laura109]

My parents are not perfect but they were not like you describe. My grandmother was a lot like that with my mother though. My mother made an effort to keep contact with her and have some relationship but she needed to have some distance too. She got on a bit better with her dad but there were still issues there. My mum was the youngest and her parents hadn't really wanted another child which they made fairly clear. I actually had a good relationship with my grandparents and am grateful that my mum didn't say nasty things about them to me but I was aware they gave my mum a hard time. My mum had chronic health issues as a child and was mostly just treated like she was being lazy. She also tells they story of having the flu when my parents had visitors in the house and being put in the attic room with a jug of orange juice and staying there for hrs at a time without seeing anyone when she felt like she was dying. I do remember how matter of fact and unsympathetic my gran could be even with us at times, I learned at a young age to avoid getting my hair brushed by her, lol.

It sounds to me like maybe your parents had hard upbringings themselves (that was true of my grandparents) and don't really know how to act as normal loving parents. I'd say try not to depend on their approval and try not to be hurt too much by the hurtful things they say (easier said than done). With my own grandmother I know she often said hurtful things to get a rise out of my mum or out of thoughtfulness but I don't think she always really meant it. Try and give yourself enough space from them but don't give up on having a relationship with them if possible. From experience I can say its nice for your children to have grandparents around even when things are not perfect. Intrestingly it was my mum that my grandmother turned to when she was terminally ill and they became much closer in her last couple of months.

Thanks for sharing. I guess sometimes its linked to their own upbringing. Some people will be that way and others will be determined to change. I do want to keep them in my life and i hope that i can still be the mum i want to be Also.

I agree with not saying nasty things infront of children. I would mever want my daughter to see them as anything other than her grandma and grandad. X

 

[BunnyN]

It sounds like you are doing a good job handling the situation to the best of your ability. Realistically things with tham will never be great so try not to feel like you have failed to make it work. All you can do is your best.

 

[mummylove]

MY parents arent toxi but my in laws are

Oh no thats not good. Does your partner notice? What are they like? X

oh no cus his family can do know wrong. I tell you one story. Kids was going with oh to his dads birthday mean back in april and cus we dont get on they bought the kids clothes to change them if i didnt dress them in something they thought was appropriate to their standard.