Tricky situation- would love your opinions

[TTC Baby M]

Ok well the story is my hubby and I had one girls name that we could both agree on from since the time we conceived lets call it M. Since then we found out his brothers, wife's sister miscarried just before 20 weeks and referred to her baby by this same name. (this happened around xmas time) I have only met this girl once and she lives thousands of kms away in another town. My hubby doesn't have any regular contact with her apart from having her on his facebook (among many others that he doesn't really have anything to do with!). He now says that we can't use our original name as it was going to be used by her; whereas my argument against is that we don't really have anything to do with this girl at all (if it was his brothers wife that would be another story of course) so I don't really see the problem? I know it is really sad what happened don't get me wrong but the way I see it is there will always be one story or another behind whatever name we pick and she will have to encounter another bub with this name sooner or later. I have tried making up a new list of names I might consider but he doesn't like any of them so really this is literally the only name we agreed on! What do you guys think?? Am I being rude/unreasonable by still wanting to use this name?

 

[LDC]

Ok well the story is my hubby and I had one girls name that we could both agree on from since the time we conceived lets call it M. Since then we found out his brothers, wife's sister miscarried just before 20 weeks and referred to her baby by this same name. (this happened around xmas time) I have only met this girl once and she lives thousands of kms away in another town. My hubby doesn't have any regular contact with her apart from having her on his facebook (among many others that he doesn't really have anything to do with!). He now says that we can't use our original name as it was going to be used by her; whereas my argument against is that we don't really have anything to do with this girl at all (if it was his brothers wife that would be another story of course) so I don't really see the problem? I know it is really sad what happened don't get me wrong but the way I see it is there will always be one story or another behind whatever name we pick and she will have to encounter another bub with this name sooner or later. I have tried making up a new list of names I might consider but he doesn't like any of them so really this is literally the only name we agreed on! What do you guys think?? Am I being rude/unreasonable by still wanting to use this name?

It's a tricky one really because you don't speak to her, by the sounds of it, but then the name will be associated with the incident especially for your OHs brother and his wife.

I think it's down to what you and oh decide. I think if it were me then I would choose a different name because it is still a little close to home but that's my own opinion.

You and oh need to do what's best but I don't think you're being rude if you still opted for it

Xx

 

[mia_leacey]

I think it's a really distant relationship you have with this girl so I don't see it being a problem.

If it is a really unusual name that no one has hardly heard of then it might be more insensitive but I don't really see an issue to be honest.

 

[Pielette]

Hmm, tricky but I would say ultimately go for it.

I have never even met any of my in-laws' siblings. It's a pretty distant connection and being a Facebook friend isn't exactly an issue, I have plenty of Facebook friends I don't speak to.

This couple live nowhere near you so it's not like there's any chance of them knowing your little one. I'd say choose the name you both want.

 

[TTC Baby M]

ok thanks for your opinions its not a heaps unusual name so not like it would be the onl other one out there or anything We are still team yellow so may never have to use the name depending on the sex but would like to be prepared just incase!

 

[Cimorene]

Rule of thumb: If your husband's brother's sister-in-law hadn't lost the baby and had named her "M", would the name still be on your list?

If yes, then, this is a non issue.

 

[Amygdala]

I disagree. I know names can feel like one of the most important decisions you make for your baby but I guarantee you, there are other nice names.
The way I see it, your SIL has recently lost a niece and it's likely caused a lot of heartache in the family. Naming her other niece the same name would be very insensitive imo. Your SIL's sister is going to hear about it and it'll be hard enough for her to know of a girl born so close to when her own girl should have been born, hearing that she has the same name would be so hurtful.
It's up to you of course but if it was me, I'd pick a new name that isn't associated with and likely to cause so much sadness.

 

[TTC Baby M]

Sorry may have been a bit confusing but it's not our sister in law it's her sister, so I guess no actual relation to us? As i said weve only met once in passing. And just a side note our brother and sister in law live 7 hours away and we might see them twice a year, not sure if this changes anyone's opinion. If it was my sister in law I def agree with u though amygdala.

 

[TTC Baby M]

And yes cimorene it would def still be our first pick!

 

[spacegirl]

I wouldn't do it. Her feelings aside (and I'd imagine she'd be devastated)... the name will always be associated with sadness and pain. Let it go. There must be other names. My sil nicked my fave girls names and for months i was gutted but i've since let it go and found lots of other gorgeous names x

 

[Andypanda6570]

This just happened to me. I have ben lurking in this forum just waiting for something similar that happened to me/

I had 3 boys 21, 19 and 12 when I got pregnant by accident at the age of 40. I lost my little girl at 22 weeks. My SIL also has 3 boys and recently November gave birth to a girl and named her the same name as my angel
I wanted to kill her, it is a constant reminder of my loss and pain.

My husband had a huge fight with his parents, his sister and i had a huge fight on the phone, she told me oh get over it, when I said how could you do this to us, then when I said you have your rainbow I don't I go to a grave every week, she told me to live with it????????? I do live with it every single day .


So now the baby is 4 months we don't talk to his sister or her husband, the family is ripped apart because of a name? A thousand names she had to pick mine and think I could be around it?

It is a distant relationship I agree and it is a bit different than my situation . While I can easily say go ahead, name her what you want, you have no idea how painful this is loosing a baby and having that name said constantly ,it kills your heart, believe me. Your sister in laws sister will be at functions your at and your sister in law is probably holding onto some pain also for her own sister, so just be cautious, I wouldn't do it cause I know what it feels like I would have never done that to my SIL if it was me that had a rainbow, never ever. it was going to be hard for me just to be around this baby girl and now I can't at all ever ever see her because of name that will bring up every ounce of pain I have and still have 2 yrs later.

Just be careful and think about it, trust me your SIL is not going to be happy about this.. JMO XO

 

[LoraLoo]

I think you have to try and imagine what it would feel like if the roles were reversed. I would choose another name.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'd chose another name. As a pp said, your SIL has lost her niece and it could be very painful for her to hear her nieces name whenever she hears about your DD (if you do have a girl). It sounds like your OH isn't comfortable with it either and it could be a big mistake to chose a name which has sad connotations for him. Most names can have a sad associations but your SIL's sisters loss is still so recent and raw, I can see why he wouldn't want to use it.
I'd look fir another name, or if our OH decides he would be comfortable with using it I'd definitely speak to your SIL and see how she would feel about it.

 

[Amygdala]

Sorry may have been a bit confusing but it's not our sister in law it's her sister, so I guess no actual relation to us? As i said weve only met once in passing. And just a side note our brother and sister in law live 7 hours away and we might see them twice a year, not sure if this changes anyone's opinion. If it was my sister in law I def agree with u though amygdala.

I understood that its your SIL's sister, sorry if my post was confusing. The fact that you never see her doesn't really change anything if you ask me. You're still going to cause your SIL and her sister a lot of extra pain if you choose that name and quite possibly a family argument as well. If I was your SIL, I'd be very upset you could be so insensitive and would probably find it very difficult having a relationship with you after that.
The way I see it, it's only one name in literally millions of options. Surely you'll find another you like.