Trying to cope

[rlong13]

I had a D&C this past Saturday. It was the most traumatizing thing I've been through. And, almost a week later I still am not coping.
I'll start off with I have a beautiful baby boy that's 4 months old. My husband and I obviously weren't trying. I had an IUD put in and it had fallen out. We were scared at first, wondering how we were going to do it, but our fear quickly turned into excitement. It would be hard, but our dream was to have 2 kids and we liked the idea of them being closer together. So, we started to imagine our daughter or our sons little brother.
At 7 weeks I found out our baby was still measuring 5. I waited to see if I would miscarry naturally. Nothing. I scheduled the D&C and had it Saturday. It will be a week tomorrow. My husband holds me in his arms every night as a cry myself to sleep. I just want our baby.
I went back to my doctor for heavy bleeding and explained some of my feelings, and her only reply was you're young, you can try again. Yes, my husband and I are young. I'm 23 and he's 25. But, is that really supposed to make that easy for us!? Yeah, we can try again. But, it's not going to be the baby we lost. I understand old couples go through it, and it can be more devastating because of fertility issues and so on. But, it doesn't make this any easier knowing "I can try again." I feel such a tremendous loss. I look at my son, and how perfect he is and imagine what this baby could have and should have been. I'm just looking for ways to cope. My due date was April 24th, and my husband and I plan to light a candle. Please tell me this gets easier.

 

[blue33]

I'm very sorry for your loss hun It will get easier though. I know its very hard right now, but it will ease up with time. Let yourself go through the grieving process, and don't let anyone rush you. Lighting a candle is a great idea.

I'm also very sorry that your doctor reacted that way when you said how you were feeling. Let me know if you ever need to talk. Best wishes to you.

 

[Lisa85]

Doctors can sometimes be a bit cold. They must see this so much that i think they forget how hard it is for the individual. I had a few cold comments from the nurses when i first called the hospital and when i had the d&c the doctor didnt seem to care one little bit.

Your baby will be with your forever but the pain will ease over time. If you like find a way to honour your baby.

I cried so much when i had my loss and it took a week before i could talk to or see anyone. You will make it through hun... i promise!!

Im very sorry for your loss. There are lots of thread on her for women who have suffered a loss and we will be here to help you through it if you need.

 

[detterose]

I am so sorry for your loss. My story was similar, found out I was unexpectedly pregnant when my LO was only 5 months old. hCG levels weren't rising properly, then started to drop. U/S showed a 5 week old embryo with a heartbeat when I should have been 7 weeks. 4 days after the U/S I miscarried.

Just because baby wasn't planned, doesn't make it hurt any less. And just because we can fall pregnant and "try again" doesn't mean we shouldn't still grieve our babies that we never got the chance to hold.

It will get easier, but you will always remember your precious bean, I promise x

 

[Mahoghani]

I think Doctors have to steel themselves to an extent so that they don't feel what we feel. They go through this so often, it would just be devastating to feel it every time with every woman. I know it seems cold but I believe they are trying to help. You figure out after a while I think that there is no right thing to say to a grieving mother.

It doesn't really get easier. I lost my son last year at 16 weeks. He was measuring 14. And then another baby two weeks ago, two weeks before I lost my son. I don't think I was really over losing my son before I got pregnant but now... it's like all of those old wounds are just ripped open. You don't get over it, you don't even move past it or around it. You sort of learn to take it with you and it becomes a part of who you are.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately there will be a lot of people that won't understand. But then there will also be those that do. You never realize how many women in your life have suffered through this until you share your experience and then they open up that part of themselves. It helps. In some ways. In others I admit it makes it worse. You start seeing horror stories everywhere... At least that's been my experience.

I know what you mean about being told "your young." I just turned 30 and I am still hearing that from OBs and friends trying to be helpful. It doesn't help. Not even a little bit. Also the "at least you have one healthy child." My oldest and only living child is 9. And he his perfect. But he isn't the baby I lost. Just as that baby had it lived wouldn't be him had he not. You can't replace a life. It doesn't work that way. It's another one of those things that people don't understand if they haven't lived it.

Try to take it easy on yourself. The first couple of weeks are the worst bit. After that you sort of... get used to it. If that makes any sense. Take care.

 

[hollowmac]

I am really sorry for your loss. I had a D and C on Aug 2 and it does get easier. U will never forget your baby and, of course, a new baby will not replace the angel baby so I am sorry that your DR said that to u. I was very fortunate with my DR. She has been my Dr for years and is very caring and understanding. When we did the ultrasound, which she did herself, and found out there was not a heartbeat she hugged me and we both cried. She was sweet and supportive. I wish everyone could have a great caring doctor. the one I had before that was not so much.

 

[ethans_mummy]

hi hun i had a d&c on july 19th and i thought i was coping fine its not 2 months on and im starting to crack. i feelempty all the time and i just dont know how to feel normal. hoepfully with time we will both feel ok