Trying to decide where my ex should stand in relation to seeing our son (long)

[teddyed12]

My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, we were living together and it wos too much for him, he had been pretendin to love me just so he cud be in his sons life, as he has anothe son who he sees once a week, n said he didnt want another failed relationship with a kid. so he strung me along from day one and now its all come about the truth.

Now when we had his son overnights and one day a week i did all the work, getting up in the night with him ect. he even admitted to me once he cudnt do it on his own. hed get really stressed out when he cried n woke in the night and id always hv to step in. this is all becos he suffers depression. i knew he did a while back becos when i met him he ws on antiDepresants, i have also now found out he hs been bak to docs to get councellin nd not turned up to it 3 times. just recently he broke down about it all and admited how bad it was, said he cudnt love ppl n trsut ppl n shud b on his own n all this stuff.

Now when we were still together he promised me he would get counceling before the baby came, promised hed go 2 weeks ago, then promised hed go last week n didnt, then all this hapend n we broke up.

My side is that untill he gets help, i wont let him be part of my sons life. iv told him all he has to do is begin the councelin by going to the docs. in the mean time when my sons born i will allow him to come and visist and ill tke him to see him. but i wont allow him to take him for the day or nything. eventuly when he hs had more help, n wen my sons not so little, id allow him to have him for the day evry week. but i wont allow nights untill my son is older in a few years. is that unfair?? am i rong or right?? its just iv seen first hand his problems n seen he cnt look afta a baby very well. hes not a bad dad, but he cud be alot better!!

now heres my problem, he is either going to refuse to get help (becos now wev broke up hes bak in denial tht he is ok again n not depressed cos hes lost all the stress) and therefore i wont let him see him and he'll take me to court as he did with previous gf. does any1 know where id stand in court? what they would allow? and also he says "ye but u have to prove to them iv got problems n u cnt" grrr.

on the other hand, ino he wont settle for supervised visits, and ino he will want to fight for nights. does ny1 know if hed be allowed them? what do u think courts would give him, becos hes gona deny it all trhough n through.

If anyones been in this position or knows anyone who has and knows what courts will say, please please let me know!!!!!!!

 

[xtina6143]

I would definitely see about counseling and maybe even parenting vlasses to help him learn how to be a better parent. If he doesnt want to do that voluntarily I would see about getting the court to order them. Do you and his ex get along? Idk if it would matter to the court but maybe she could back you up? I wish I had more advice for you. Good luck

 

[dustbunny]

Depression is a difficult problem as it is selfish and I don't mean that as horrible as the word implies. I had depression this time last year and went into a cocoon of self preservation which meant I pushed everyone away, wouldn't go and get help and just felt really down. I also work with people who have depression and have seen it from the other side too. I think you need to sit down and talk with him but at the end of the day only he can decide if he is ready or even wants to get help, maybe even suggest going with him... not into his appointments but to the waiting room... depends if you want to do that though. I think with guys they also feel ashamed about it which neither helps them or the situation.
With regards to access to the baby, from what I have gathered, to start with it would be every other week for a couple of hours which would build up over time. However this would most likely be supervised because if you're breastfeeding the child can't be away from you for a couple of hours. He won't be able to take the baby out and thusly it will be at your abode. Moving onto later months unless he has somewhere the child can sleep or enough room to house the child then no, he won't get overnights. They won't force a situation which is not acceptable.
Also the fact he has been on antidepressents etc is proof enough at one point or another he has suffered from depression. Although this alone is not enough to deny him access but it might make the courts [or whoever] ask for him to see a counsellor so they can get some sort of feedback that way. Also how serious is the depression? Is he a harm to himself or others? If so then no, he wouldn't get unsupervised access.

Hope that helps

 

[JessAndAva]

I believe the court will give him a psych evaluation test. They had to do that to my ex boyfriend. If you can prove to them that he is potentially an un-fit father, then they can "court-order" supervised visits & he won't have a choice.
But do you actually believe that he would take you to court? Just think about what you really want, get a laywer|attorney, & do what you gotta do for your baby.
Keep any text messages or anything that can prove to the judge that he is unfit. The judge almost always sides w| the mother. I wouldn't worry about it though.
(Also, they rarely let a newborn stay w| the father overnight. A baby needs their mother.)