Little.Red
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- Apr 26, 2016
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Hi all,
Sorry in advance for the long post!
I'm feeling really divided lately. My DS is 4, and for a long time I was sure I didn't want to have another baby, for various reasons. But earlier this year, DH and I had a serious chat about it, and I realised how much he wants another baby, and it made me think it all over again. I finally decided I did want to try for another, so we started TTC in May.
In June, I got a BFP and was so excited, though honestly I had a strange anxious feeling at the same time- not about having a baby, but about the pregnancy. Sure enough, I had a very early MC just a week after my BFP.
I was heartbroken, desperate to just be pregnant again, and pinned my hopes on conceiving again the following cycle after reading about how many women fall pregnant immediately after a MC.
Well, I didn't get another BFP, and AF just broke the spell in a way. I started wondering if this is really a good idea. All the reasons I had for not wanting another baby before keep coming back to my mind.
I have health problems, including chronic fatigue, so can I really cope with the broken nights again? Do I really want to go back to having a little baby dependent on me every moment, now that DS is potty trained, sleeping through the nights, able to do many things for himself? And not to sound dramatic or self-righteous, but the world is such a horrible place, every week some new terrible thing happens and it makes me wonder if it's just irresponsible or selfish of me to bring another child into the world
I think about how painful it was to lose my little bean 2 cycles ago, and I'm scared of all the things that could go wrong if I get pregnant again. Do I really want to risk even more heartbreak?
But then I see how sociable DS is, and I know he would be a wonderful big brother, and I honestly feel it would enrich his life to have a sibling. I have two siblings and I love them both so much. I look at DS sitting quietly playing by himself, and feel sad that I'm not giving him that, too.
I literally change my mind daily, even multiple times a day. I keep thinking, if I found out tomorrow that I'm pregnant, I'd have all those anxieties still but I know we would just make the best of it and that everything would be okay. But I can't just NTNP, that feels like just avoiding taking responsiblity for this big decision.
I'm so fortunate that DH has been on board with me all the way through this. He understands and genuinely shares my doubts, for now we've said we'll talk about it in depth again tomorrow.
If we're going to TTC again this cycle, we have to decide quickly as I'm due to O on sunday. I'm just so so confused, not knowing which choice is the responsible one, or which will leave me with the least regrets.
Have any of you been through this? What helped you to make a decision? How did you work through your doubts?
Sorry in advance for the long post!
I'm feeling really divided lately. My DS is 4, and for a long time I was sure I didn't want to have another baby, for various reasons. But earlier this year, DH and I had a serious chat about it, and I realised how much he wants another baby, and it made me think it all over again. I finally decided I did want to try for another, so we started TTC in May.
In June, I got a BFP and was so excited, though honestly I had a strange anxious feeling at the same time- not about having a baby, but about the pregnancy. Sure enough, I had a very early MC just a week after my BFP.
I was heartbroken, desperate to just be pregnant again, and pinned my hopes on conceiving again the following cycle after reading about how many women fall pregnant immediately after a MC.
Well, I didn't get another BFP, and AF just broke the spell in a way. I started wondering if this is really a good idea. All the reasons I had for not wanting another baby before keep coming back to my mind.
I have health problems, including chronic fatigue, so can I really cope with the broken nights again? Do I really want to go back to having a little baby dependent on me every moment, now that DS is potty trained, sleeping through the nights, able to do many things for himself? And not to sound dramatic or self-righteous, but the world is such a horrible place, every week some new terrible thing happens and it makes me wonder if it's just irresponsible or selfish of me to bring another child into the world
I think about how painful it was to lose my little bean 2 cycles ago, and I'm scared of all the things that could go wrong if I get pregnant again. Do I really want to risk even more heartbreak?
But then I see how sociable DS is, and I know he would be a wonderful big brother, and I honestly feel it would enrich his life to have a sibling. I have two siblings and I love them both so much. I look at DS sitting quietly playing by himself, and feel sad that I'm not giving him that, too.
I literally change my mind daily, even multiple times a day. I keep thinking, if I found out tomorrow that I'm pregnant, I'd have all those anxieties still but I know we would just make the best of it and that everything would be okay. But I can't just NTNP, that feels like just avoiding taking responsiblity for this big decision.
I'm so fortunate that DH has been on board with me all the way through this. He understands and genuinely shares my doubts, for now we've said we'll talk about it in depth again tomorrow.
If we're going to TTC again this cycle, we have to decide quickly as I'm due to O on sunday. I'm just so so confused, not knowing which choice is the responsible one, or which will leave me with the least regrets.
Have any of you been through this? What helped you to make a decision? How did you work through your doubts?
