TTC and Anorexia.

[tamithomas]

Hi ladies, I was wondering as I'm sure I'm not the only one, I felt like this thread could be a place for women to tell their stories if they wish without feeling judged whatsoever as I've been and still am in that position of being a "recovered" anorexic TTC and how to cope with it while TTC.

My story: from the age of 16 to 19 I was a severe anorexic, only ate my moms supper to make her think I ate,worked out pretty much all day took speed or any drug that would cut my appetite, would cry over eating a piece of chocolate, would only feel "joy" when I was running on empty. It's a dark place to be, I actually find infertility easier to cope with then this lingering dark shadow at times. At the age of 18 when at 5'1 feet, I weighed only 92lbs I met my DH who pretty much saved my life. I was still a heavy drug user, drinker, smoker you name it every bad habbit imagineable at the time. After getting to know him, I found out that he was a straightedger except for coffee. Clean as a whistle, and he gave me the ultimate decision that potentially saved my life.. it's him, or my "lifestyle".

All of the substance were hard but not that hard to kick the habit of, only took me a week to get all of the rejection anger out of my system, the problem was the Anorexia. I knew we both wanted children but that would have to mean getting rid of my ana, the scariest thought I ever had in my life.How would I live without that coping mechanism, oh god I'm gonna get fat! My life is over. Luckily my DH was very patient and actually understood therefore helped me through the steps to "recovery". I refused to get professional help as I don't believe in the doctors cold way of dealing with it as it's a very personal journey. The first few months of starting to eat regularly and putting the pounds back on were like trying swim through cement, it felt unnatural and impossible. But it got easier eventually. If you have the real deal of anorexia, you will know that you never actually "recover" hense why I keep on putting it in quotation marks, you just learn to cope and live with it aka become friends with your ghost. That ghost does make a phone call once in a while trying to make it's way back into your life, but the fact that I want to be a mother makes me keep on eating the salad or whatever I'm eating. Anyways luckily my anorexia never got severe enough to lose my periods but they were a lot lighter when I wasn't taking care of myself, that's the main thing I miss. When my body started to gain the weight back and go back to normal sorta speak, I wanted to die because AF felt like murder to my stomach. I had forgotten how to deal with real AF and not the half ass AF I had for a few years. The dream of having a child is what's keeping me on my toes and I just want to let you ladies who may or may not be in the closet, not saying you have to come out and I don't expect you to but just to let you know you're not alone. It is a part of life that gets hush hushed more than infertility. IT is a pain in the heart sometimes when you recovered and still not able to conceive and part of you just wants to give up, never eat again and go run for 6 hours. I'm here to say, don't! Not saying it's guaranteed you'll conceive one day but hopefully some day you will get that reward for recovering. Maybe it's not through conceiving, maybe it's through adoption or what have you. Either way, they are gonna need a healthy mom and that alone is enough to keep my on my toes and hopefully yours too

 

[Maurie]

Can I just say,
Your strength is incredible!
I do not, nor have I ever had an eating disorder. But WOW.

I pray your BFP is going to come soon and many other women find their strength from your strength!

 

[xlouloux]

Hi, I am glad I just read this.

I suffered from bulimia throughout the majority of my teen years, and to this day only 3 people who I actually know, know about it. I find it really difficult to open up about it because it was such a hard part of my life that I hope to never relive. I never had any medical help during my recovery because I believed I could overcome it by myself. Like you my desire to have children keeps me strong, I do still occasionally feel guilty about what I eat and think "what if just once I throw it up" which I haven't acted up on, but the urge sometimes is so strong. It's been an incredibly tough road but I am 21, happy and healthy and I know if I ever want children then that's the way it HAS to stay.

One thing I will say is that I do feel very LUCKY that it never messed up my cycles, it's a different story for some, some will never conceive because of it.

 

[NavyWife84]

First of all, big hugs to you ladies!!!

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and I admire you for your strength. I don't know if this helps you or not, but I wanted to give you a little glimps of hope: My SIL suffered (still suffers?) from an eating disorder. My brother hasn't said much about it, but I know there was something with an eating disorder in the past and she is still super skinny, doesn't eat much, and works out like crazy. Anyway, back to the little glimps of hope...she has two beautiful little boys; one is turning 6 in a few days and the other just turned 4 in April.

I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but I have suffered from clinical depression since I was about 13. While I know it isn't the same thing, I feel that I can kind of relate. It is a disorder/illness and an addiction. However, instead of working out, throwing up, or not eating, I was cutting myself. Cutting my wrists, my legs, my arms, and my chest where my heart is. I never cut deep enough to kill myself, although there were many times I had wished I had the "courage" to cut that deep. My addiction was the cutting. And while I never will "recover" from the depression (I have been told by many doctors that I am in it for life and will always need to take meds to cope) I have recovered from cutting myself. I do still sometimes have the thoughts of what if...what if I drive my car off the road, what if I od on my meds, etc. I would never do it as I have a wonderful family and husband that love me so much it hurts (it hurts because I am still depressed all the time and hate life even though I have a really good life). My good friend, who I introduced to cutting, took his own life 2 and 1/2 years ago and it was so hard. I saved his life when we were 16 and feel so guilty that we didn't stay as close as we once were and I couldn't save him again. His dad thanked me at the funeral for being there for him so many years ago, but I couldn't get over the guilt I felt for not being there more recently. I still feel guilty. Oh wow...this is getting really depressing (no pun intended). I'm sorry for that.

I hope you don't mind me crashing your thread when it doesn't relate exactly to what you are going through. But I felt this was somewhere that I could share my story. Thanks for listening.

 

[tamithomas]

First of all, big hugs to you ladies!!!

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and I admire you for your strength. I don't know if this helps you or not, but I wanted to give you a little glimps of hope: My SIL suffered (still suffers?) from an eating disorder. My brother hasn't said much about it, but I know there was something with an eating disorder in the past and she is still super skinny, doesn't eat much, and works out like crazy. Anyway, back to the little glimps of hope...she has two beautiful little boys; one is turning 6 in a few days and the other just turned 4 in April.

I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but I have suffered from clinical depression since I was about 13. While I know it isn't the same thing, I feel that I can kind of relate. It is a disorder/illness and an addiction. However, instead of working out, throwing up, or not eating, I was cutting myself. Cutting my wrists, my legs, my arms, and my chest where my heart is. I never cut deep enough to kill myself, although there were many times I had wished I had the "courage" to cut that deep. My addiction was the cutting. And while I never will "recover" from the depression (I have been told by many doctors that I am in it for life and will always need to take meds to cope) I have recovered from cutting myself. I do still sometimes have the thoughts of what if...what if I drive my car off the road, what if I od on my meds, etc. I would never do it as I have a wonderful family and husband that love me so much it hurts (it hurts because I am still depressed all the time and hate life even though I have a really good life). My good friend, who I introduced to cutting, took his own life 2 and 1/2 years ago and it was so hard. I saved his life when we were 16 and feel so guilty that we didn't stay as close as we once were and I couldn't save him again. His dad thanked me at the funeral for being there for him so many years ago, but I couldn't get over the guilt I felt for not being there more recently. I still feel guilty. Oh wow...this is getting really depressing (no pun intended). I'm sorry for that.

I hope you don't mind me crashing your thread when it doesn't relate exactly to what you are going through. But I felt this was somewhere that I could share my story. Thanks for listening.

Oh sweety, many . Even though it's not the exact same it's still very similar as both are self harm coping mechanisms that we had built in and became a part of us that we kicked to the curb that is very hard to stay away from. So sorry to hear about your friend but don't blame yourself, i know it's a thousand times easier to say then it actually is to do as you are not the one that made him go all the way.

That feeling of depression will never completely disappear, i can 2nd that motion as my anorexia thoughts will never completely disappear. What we can do as I see you have is make friends with it sorta speak, accept that it's there but keep it on the back burner. So courageous of you to tell your story! Just know that you're not alone, no matter how small the world feels there are some out there that can relate

 

[Armywife84]

This is interesting. I was anorexic for 2 years during secondary school, to the point of where I didn't have a period. My mother staged an intervention with my GP and they threatened to force a feeding tube down my throat. That was my turnaround point. Couple of years later I started abusing laxatives and had to stop when my mother found out.

Eating disorders never fully go away. I'm at a healthy weight now, but still mentally struggle with it.

I actually wonder if my anorexia then attributes to my IF now. Then again you see other celebs that are anorexic (Rachel Zoe for example) who go on to have viable pregnancies.