TTC for 1st and venting

[sadttc4plus]

I googled things I was going through to see if anybody else was going through similar to me. And I came across this website and found it very helpful for my mind and soul. This is my first post and I hope I am doing this correctly. I really needed to vent. I am 30 years old and my husband is 31, and we have been ttc for a little over 4 years now. We just started the IVF process will be going to transfer our embryo this week, SUPER EXCITED! Until my husband came home from speaking to his mother and she told him his 19 year old sister is pregnant. I honestly don't know how I feel about this (Once upon a time my husband was his mother husband and dad to his sister which did affect our relationship until recently). Not only is she 19 and not expecting this obvi but has no job, her family is already struggling, and I am extremely terrified that my husband is going to be pulled back into being there husband/dad role again. I did feel sad that she was pregnant when I just started to try with IVF since I always told myself once I am pregnant my husband will finally be all about our family, and now I feel pure guilt. Guilt that if I am pregnant I want a lavish baby shower and his sister wont have it the same. Guilt that I have been shopping baby clothes since we did PGT testing and I am extremely attached to the things I have bought for obvious reasons and I know his family is, there going to want me to share/give to his sister. Makes things worse we never really got along prior to this (Civil but never became bff) and his mom was not on board with IVF (Super Christian and does not believe we should do IVF that all will come within its on time). Yeah um no I can do IVF and have GOD by my side, but yet is always asking us when she going to be a grandmother, no pressure. Never thought that anybody else in the family would get pregnant so I genuinely don't know how to feel about it or if i am even entitled to feel anything about it.

 

[Suggerhoney]

Hello hon welcome to baby and bump.
Firstly I'm so very sorry with all u have gone through and that u had to go through IVF.
I always root for u ladies who have been ttc for years.
I absolutely pray u get the baby u so deserve soon.

Secondly.
I'm a Christian and really into my faith. Sounds like his mum is really into religion which isn't a true Christian.
There absolutely nothing wrong with IVF.
God is our creator and he created some to be supper intelligent. I Believe even through IVF a baby is a gift strait from the Good Lord' they are blessings.
So please take no notice hon.

I'm very sorry ure sister in law is now pregnant and I can totally understand that being a kick in the face.
Sounds like it's a very complicated situation between them and ure Husband.
I hope he isn't going to be pushed into being dad and husband to them again. He's now with you and you should come first.
It's unfortunate she struggles with money etc. I'm not sure if where you are she may be able to claim help from the government.
Or maybe she should try and get a job if she is able to work.
I feel like there is so much pressure on your shoulders and you don't need all this stress.
Glad u stumbled aross baby and bump because the ladies here are all incredibly supportive.
Please feel free to join the March testing group. There will be a April one up soon too. U will find it in the Tww section.
Lots of ladies there and all so supportive. I'm there as well as we ate ttc our last baby as I'm 42 now.
I wanted to leave it longer because our youngest is just over 6 months but with me being 42 we was told back in November to strat ASAP.
We had 4 back to back early miscarriages in 2020 then fell with our youngest after just under a year of trying. I had never had to try try b4 and always wud fall quickly. I have had 7 miscarriages.
But I never really fully appreciated u womon that have been trying for a very long time untill we started trying for our youngest.
I mean I always felt very sad for womon that have to go through IVF but never fully appreciated the long term trying.
Then we tried for our youngest and I kept having very early miscarriages. Finally fell on cycle 11 and that the longest I've ever had to try so it's made me appreciate u womon so much more.

Sorry I've wrote such a long post.
Hope to see you in the March testing group.
I mite start the April one over there. U will find us in the 2WW section. Be lovely to have you join us all.

 

[cheerios]

Hey sadttc4+!

How did your embryo transfer work out?? It is very exciting! Did you transfer 1 or 2 embryos?

I read your story and have to say that I can sympathise a bit of what you're going through. I have a sister-in-law and we have always been civil but like you, not BFF. It's so tough TTCing and finding out someone else 'beat you to it". When I was pregnant with my 4th, I didn't know the gender of my baby. I already have 3 boys, so I was quite sure my 4th would be a boy. My SIL already had a boy and she got pregnant with her 2nd baby around the same time as me. I remember thinking, "Oh man, I don't know how I will feel if she has a baby girl and I have my 4th baby boy." -- I know its not the same scenario, but since my SIL and I were not close, there was always a sub-conscious competitiveness that we both felt towards each other. Well, it did turn out that my 4th baby turned out to be a girl and she also had her baby girl. We have totally lost contact - long story, so our children don't have any contact with each other. But I know what it's like to have to share your pregnancy journey with another SIL.

It's always tricky with the in-laws. I'm guessing that your MIL is divorced? Is that why your husband has to fill in the gaps as "husband and father"? I've gone for therapy with my husband before and my husband used to do that for his family too. Whenever there is a conflict, he would be the one to help to resolve conflicts between dad and mom. But it is actually not healthy and is not the role of a child to be the parent. I really hope your husband doesn't have to do that for his biological family and somehow they can find help from other sources too. I don't know what to say about your sister-in-law being pregnant at such a young age. She'll probably need all the help she can get. It doesn't matter if you want a lavish baby shower, go for it! You deserve to have one. If you feel up to it, you can offer to help her plan hers maybe with some of her friends. It won't be as lavish as yours, but it will still be meaningful.

You might be having babies of different gender so maybe you don't need to share your baby clothes. But don't think so much at this point. It's still the beginning of the journey. Just take it one step at a time. I remembered passing some of my baby's clothing to my SIL cos I felt it was "the right thing to do." But we sorta had a falling out during that period and she ended up passing all the clothes back to me. I realised back then, don't do anything cos you feel obliged to. I only passed her clothes that I didn't care much for - sorta like donating to charity. For clothes that I liked and treasured, I didn't pass any. It's just a small way to preserve my own needs / wants and drawing boundaries.