TTC/KD concerns...am I wrong for thinking this?

[NovemberRayne]

Hi ladies.. I have a worry when it comes to TTC with my partner and I just wanted a few opinions on the situation.

We've started the ball rolling in regards to being treated at a clinic, we've been approved and everything, just sorting out the millions of blood tests before starting. Our friend, a single gay man intends to donate to the clinic for us, with the intent of a sibling in the future.

Our friend, let's call him J, doesn't want to be a full time parent, or pay maintence, he just wants to be able to see any resulting child. He understands that we will be the parents in all senses of the word but he would have more like an uncle role (although we wont hide who he really is)

Now, he's mentioned to us that he wants to be named on the birth certificate as the childs father, but happy for us to give our child my partners surname (as I'll be taking hers when we CP) and said he's happy to let my partner adopt.

My partner and I will be funding the costs for the ENTIRE treatment, even down to the tests J will need will need bloods/sperm. If we're lucky enough to concieve, it will my partner holding my hand at every appointment, she'll be my constant support, there at the birth & taking us home. J lives very far from us so couldn't be there even if he wanted to.

I feel bad for thinking it as I love all parties involved, but I feel more and more that it's unfair for my partner to be the legal 3rd wheel, after all the money we'll put in on treatment, we'll have to spend again on adoption and if we get an unsympathetic court, they may refuse her adopting, I'm not sure I want to take that risk when she will be, from he moment of conception, that child's second parent.

As I understand it, once a person is adopted a new certificate is issued anyway which wouldnt have 'fathers' name listed and would be used in place of a birth certificate... His name and 'parental responsibility' would be gone, so why not just have my partner named on the birth certificate from the outset. I don't want to upset either of them & I see both views but I'm swaying in the favour of my partner - and to make sure that things are in place in a agreement that secures J access now and in the event that something (god forbid) should happen to us.

I do want to speak with J on this, but I just wanted some external opinions on if what I'm thinking is fair before I do.. If we lose him as a donor, it would be very sad for all involved on a personal level... But I do understand that if he wants to continue, we'll definitely need to seek legal advice.

Thanks for baring with me xxxx

 

[blinkey]

Hi, Me and my partner had the same concerns. We havnt started the ball rolling yet as far as TTC as the financial impact is huge and we want both our names on the birth certificate so will have to go through a clinic.

From my point of view that if the 'fathers' name is removed from the birth certificate on adoption then wouldnt it be a financial aspect that you could do without also the stress of going through the pregnancy knowing that you then have the leagal aspect to deal with is just not needed.

Also if you have an agreement in place for visitation then there really shouldnt be an issue as you and your partner are going to be the legal parents then why should 'J' be named on the birth certificate in the first place.

Im sure if you talk through your concerns with 'J' then you could come to an agreement if he is the good friend you say he is

Hope this helps x

 

[SydneyMother]

Hi, not sure on your where abouts..
But in Australia you can have a same sex birth cert. for two mothers.
A sperm doner isn't usually put on a birth cert. and if he was in Aus he would have to pay child support..

 

[The2mums]

If you're civil partnered then aren't you both on the birth certificate anyway? That was my understanding.

Helen & I will (I hope) be parent 1 and parent 2

 

[The2mums]

No way would I allow his name on the certificate - if our donor said this then he would no longer be our donor.

Totally not fair on your partner. You two should be on the certificate not him

 

[ifoundmysoul]

If you're civil partnered then aren't you both on the birth certificate anyway? That was my understanding.

Helen & I will (I hope) be parent 1 and parent 2

Yes this is true, the person that gave birth goes down as mother and your partner as parent.

Both me and my wife are on our little girls birth certificate this way. We used a private donor no clincs, as long as there is no sex involved you can both go on the birth certificate as long as you are in a civil partnership and have been since before you conceived.

 

[chearty]

When are you going to CP? If I were in your situation, I would CP before you become pregnant and then your partner will automatically be the other parent. Considering the role he's after in the resulting child's life, there's no need for his name on the certificate. With his name on it, it would make any contracts of intent a bit murky since they are contradictory.

I'm an American who is so fortunate to be living in this country. In my home state, I'm not only NOT allowed to be in any kind of CP, but I'm also not allowed to parent as a gay individual. To be in a country such as this I am so thankful that I have the rights I do here, and for my partner (a british national) as well. We were CP'd when we conceived and are thankful that we didn't have to deal with any kind of adoption stuff for my partner. Our donor sounds similar to yours in that he just wants to know our child, but doesn't want any role in parenting or any financial responsibility.

Maybe you could talk to your donor about why he wants this- and maybe the issue can be resolved via a contract of your intentions. I know they aren't legal in court and such, but they do carry weight in terms of stating his intended role in the baby's life and maybe that will settle any of his fears going forward.

 

[Jetters]

I agree with those saying not to allow him on the birth certificate. What he says now, and what he could say a few years down the line, are two totally different things. And trust me from personal experience, the nicest people you never expect to screw you over do.

Why does he even want to be on there if he doesn't want a father role? Your child will have two parents- you and your partner- and that's who should be on the birth certificate. Protect yourselves now.

 

[Tegans Mama]

NO WAY would I let a donor be on the birth certificate over my wife, under any circumstances. Any child that is conceived whilst we are together is OUR child and no one elses. If that was one of our donors conditions, he would no longer be our donor.

Please, please think about what you're signing up for if you let him be on the birth certificate. As your childs LEGAL father, he is saying that he conceived this child with you (not with you and your partner) with full intention on bringing the child up as his own. You could be setting yourself up to get stung. If he's on the birth certificate he is legally entitled to custody rights - he could take you to court to make you let him see the child.

 

[NovemberRayne]

Hey all..

Thank you for all the replies, we're not having a CP for now as there's a lot of other things going on, including hopefully embarking on the treatment that we have to save for. Anyway, we talked on it al lot more and came to decision that if he wasn't willing to not have his name on the birth certificate, we would simply use an unknown donor instead. I talked to J and told him that my partner's security has to come first as it is our family we're planning for.. He wasn't very happy initially but he came around very quickly and understood where I was coming from

We also received a letter from our clinic 2 days ago which basically stated that if treatment is done though them and we're being treated as a couple that our donor would be seen as any other unknown donor and wouldn't be a legal parent irrespective of our CP status and my partner would be. So thankfully it's going to work the way we wanted it to.

Thank you all again for your replies xxx

 

[sheepydoll]

I'm glad he seems to be understanding your concerns. I also recommend hiring a lawyer to draft up some paperwork outlining exactly what is role is and have him sign it before you conceive. I live in the southern US, so my partner will not have legal rights to our child without paperwork (which sometimes still doesn't even hold up in court) but our lawyer is helping us draft up the paperwork to terminate the parental rights of our donor. We explained to him (also a good friend of ours who is a single gay man) that he will have no parental rights to the child, but also that he cannot be asked for child support, which is what he wants. Unfortunately, where I live my partner cannot be put on the birth certificate, but I still am choosing not to put the donor on there to keep him from and legal responsibility later on. I say, if he doesn't understand that he is NOT the father, then choose a different donor, because it will only cause you problems later.

 

[Jetters]

I too would hire a lawyer and get something drawn up. Those documents don't necessarily have much legal standing but they do go some way to helping if things get nasty. I know it's your lives and your personal decision but I truly don't understand why you won't just get a CP- you don't have to spend a lot, just nip down the registery office- you can always have a big do years down the line.

The legal rights that have been bloody hard won for non biological parents shouldn't be ignored. Right now you love your partner endlessly and can't see a life without her, right? Well real life is harsher than that. I was a non bio mother to a baby with my ex who was the loudest and most vocal woman you could ever meet about our equal rights, screaming how she'd love me forever and never ever use our son to hurt me. Fast forward to when our boy was 2 and she'd done the most dramatic u-turn you can imagine- I haven't seen my son now for over 2 years. Nobody can believe it, not least me, and without a CP there was really nothing my solicitor could do.

Get the CP. Protect your partner.

 

[Tegans Mama]

I too would hire a lawyer and get something drawn up. Those documents don't necessarily have much legal standing but they do go some way to helping if things get nasty. I know it's your lives and your personal decision but I truly don't understand why you won't just get a CP- you don't have to spend a lot, just nip down the registery office- you can always have a big do years down the line.

The legal rights that have been bloody hard won for non biological parents shouldn't be ignored. Right now you love your partner endlessly and can't see a life without her, right? Well real life is harsher than that. I was a non bio mother to a baby with my ex who was the loudest and most vocal woman you could ever meet about our equal rights, screaming how she'd love me forever and never ever use our son to hurt me. Fast forward to when our boy was 2 and she'd done the most dramatic u-turn you can imagine- I haven't seen my son now for over 2 years. Nobody can believe it, not least me, and without a CP there was really nothing my solicitor could do.

Get the CP. Protect your partner.

I agree with this absolutely whole heartedly - before my partner and I got CP'ed she had literally no rights at all over our daughter. Please give your partner the rights she deserves as your childs second parent.

And massive hugs to you, Jetters.