Two Lady's Waiting to Make a Baby

[KPeakey]

So I've been here before. I started a journal a few years ago, when my wife and I first started thinking of having a baby. Since then, we've changed jobs, changed financial situations (several times) and I've done a masters degree to gain a professional qualification. So suffice to say it's never been the right time.

I'm E and my wife is C. We are 30 and 32 respectively. We've been together for 10 years and married for 6.

We're back at a point that we feel ready to try, and actually things are now even more complicated for us, even though our circumstances and financial situation have settled and are the best they've ever been.

We're a Same-sex couple, so for us there are several factors that we need to consider before we can even start having a baby.

We already knew my wife would carry. I have no interest in being pregnant, I'm too squeamish and my pain tolerance is low. I'm a big baby. Having said that, I'm ultra maternal and always have been. I don't think a baby needs to be biologically mine for me to love it with everything I have.

Something else we have to consider is where we get the sperm from. This is a factor that has complicated things. We had a known donor chosen (and in fact impulsively tried to inseminate in the middle of my masters 1 time, but it didn't come to anything). He is a wonderful guy, a very good friend, someone we trust implicitly. Weve had this agreement with him for about 6 years since we first considered our baby making options. He isn't interested in fathering a child, but he is interested in helping us to have one, with no strings attached. However, he moved to Cornwall last year and as this is an approximately 5 hour drive from us, this complicates things considerably. We just don't think it would logistically work, once we actively start trying. We'd never be able to get to him regularly enough and as we all 3 work full time, demanding jobs, it wouldn't be fair to expect him to travel to us. Nor would it likely be feasible.

This brings us to now. Wondering what our options are. We've always wanted to go with this friend as a known donor, so our child has any answers they'll need down the line. But faced with it not being him, I don't know that there is anyone else I'd trust with this. Or want. I've racked my brains and can't think of anyone. They're either too close to us, or we don't know them enough to trust them.

This brings us to anonymous donor sperm. Where the hell do we start? Fertility treatment is eyewateringly expensive. Sperm costs and so does treatment. We're currently at the point where we are trying to figure out if we can get sperm from a bank delivered to our home and then inseminate ourselves. Vs going for IUI and doing the whole thing at a clinic. We also wonder if there is an option for us to get our original donor's sperm frozen and then have IUIs with that. Eliminating the need to travel to him monthly. But attached to all of these options comes a huge cost. One we hadn't factored into our plans.

We've just started saving for a house. We had a plan of a hard 18 months of saving and hopefully buying a house next Xmas time. I thought I was okay with this, with the understanding that we'd do that and then start the baby-making process. I've always been the more laid back one, or rather the more reluctant to commit one. Always happy to wait a bit longer, until we definitely know it's the right time. However as luck or fate or age would have it, now it's all I can think about and I genuinely feel like it's all so out of reach at the minute. I desperately want to buy our first home, but I also now, don't want that to mean another 2 years before we can even think about being pregnant. But I just don't know if we can do both or what is feasible.

Add all this to the fact that we're in a pandemic at the moment and my head is a shed and I feel so frustrated.

First steps I've taken anyway, is contacting my local CCG to see what if any support is out there for same-sex couples looking to utilise fertility treatment. At least this way we'll know where we stand.

If you've read this far, bloody well done to you all.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Welcome back and good luck

 

[KPeakey]

Welcome back and good luck

Thank you. I'll probably use this place to rant and moan about the information I get as I go along. Maybe even get some advice from others. We'll see.

 

[Deethehippy]

Can you not stay for a week in Cornwall over your fertile period and inseminate several times whilst there? Obviously it wouldn't be practical to do that every month but maybe try a few here and there at least before you go elsewhere for a donor?
I have heard that insemination has pretty good BFP rates and I wish you lots of luck.

 

[KPeakey]

So we've had a call with the GP who was unsurprisingly unhelpful. Had never been asked if there's any support out there for a same sex couple to get pregnant. He did call us back a few days later to say he'd liaised with colleagues and there was nothing out there for us on the NHS. We knew this really due to the postcode lottery. He said we'd need to try privately. I asked if there were any preliminary tests they could do to help us see if things appear normal and healthy, before we start plugging our money or our time into one way or another or getting pregnant. He's said my wife can have a 21 day progesterone blood test to get an idea of if she ovulate regulary. It's something I suppose.

We've been doing a lot of talking and a lot of maths, and we are leaning towards starting IVF next year. We are considering egg sharing too. As a way of paying it forward. We'd love to start trying right now, but we also really want to buy a house next year and to do that we need to be a little bit more patient.

So that's where we are at. Still waiting to try. Hoping for a first round of ivf in May

 

[Rags]

I've not had a chance to read fully, I'll go through all your posts when I get a chance. I will say I'm incredibly sorry your gp has been so unhelpful. I am a single mum by choice, I started going down the at home insemination route and when it didn't work u went to my gp. He didn't even blink when I asked for referal to a fertility clinic (I'm in Scotland). I was seen at my chosen nhs clinic 5 months later and placed on their treatment waiting list at that time. I was told I could apply for funding but as I'd saved thinking I'd need to go privately, I decided to self fund so that others not in my position could have quicker access to the funded treatment. I know that our system is different up here but I will say that it might be well worth phoning round the clinics and asking they're opinion and then going back to you gp and asking for a specific referral? Some dr's and practises haven't particularly kept up with the real world when it comes to families and conception unfortunately!!

 

[KPeakey]

I've not had a chance to read fully, I'll go through all your posts when I get a chance. I will say I'm incredibly sorry your gp has been so unhelpful. I am a single mum by choice, I started going down the at home insemination route and when it didn't work u went to my gp. He didn't even blink when I asked for referal to a fertility clinic (I'm in Scotland). I was seen at my chosen nhs clinic 5 months later and placed on their treatment waiting list at that time. I was told I could apply for funding but as I'd saved thinking I'd need to go privately, I decided to self fund so that others not in my position could have quicker access to the funded treatment. I know that our system is different up here but I will say that it might be well worth phoning round the clinics and asking they're opinion and then going back to you gp and asking for a specific referral? Some dr's and practises haven't particularly kept up with the real world when it comes to families and conception unfortunately!!

Thanks so much for reaching out. I can't say I was surprised about the GP. As you say, not many keep up with the policy's that the CCG implement. We have been told by our CCG (I contacted them directly) that we'd need to have tried AI at least 6 times before we'd get NHS funding for any help. To add insult to injury, where many CCG's don't have specifications as to what your AI journey looks like, our CCG has specified it has to be at a clinic "due to the risks involved in at home insemination". We're pretty furious about it. It's clear discrimination to be honest. It means we have to fund 6 cycles of IUI (at 2 to 3,000 a pop) before we can get any help. So based on this, we've thought long and hard and think we're going to go down the IVF road, for higher odds and egg sharing in order to pay forward the help we need to a woman that also might need donor help, and also this goes towards our costs, making the financial burden less for us. It's just a waiting game now, I wish we could justify just going ahead and starting now!

 

[Rags]

I'm so sorry you're not getting more help, it must be incredibly frustrating having additional hurdles put in your way!! A couple not needing AI only have to try by bd'ing for 6 months which is basically what at home insemination is!! I think your current idea is very generous and shows a lot of understanding to the reasons others find they need help.
I was additionally fortunate that the clinic I used, NHS/private, works on a 'not for profit' basis, so my unmedicated IUIs were only £150 a time - to cover donor expenses, medicated cycles were about £350, and any tests were done as NHS.
The assisted conception forum on here has quite a few threads on egg share etc, there may be people in your area who can talk you through the clinics and options they've already looked into. Very good luck to you both, I'll look forward to following your journey. Xx

 

[MadamRose]

My situation is slightly different as I’m single but I am currently TTC though a sperm donor.

After weight up cost of IUI etc I decided I’d rather do home insemination and use the money I’m saving towards the children I already have and buying extra nice things for baby.

I just start AF after cycle 1 and we have already set dates for this cycle. My sperm donor and I have agree no contact after confirmation of birth but if child wants to know more when old then he is happy to be contact at that point.

Good luck with deciding where you want to take it.

 

[KPeakey]

My situation is slightly different as I’m single but I am currently TTC though a sperm donor.

After weight up cost of IUI etc I decided I’d rather do home insemination and use the money I’m saving towards the children I already have and buying extra nice things for baby.

I just start AF after cycle 1 and we have already set dates for this cycle. My sperm donor and I have agree no contact after confirmation of birth but if child wants to know more when old then he is happy to be contact at that point.

Good luck with deciding where you want to take it.

Fingers crossed for you with your trying. Sounds like you've got a good set up going with your sperm donor.

We've basically decided we're going to go straight into IVF. We've weighed everything up a great deal and decided thisnis the route for us.

We're going to hopefully egg share as long as nothing prevents it. So this is very exciting for us.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Happy New Year

 

[KPeakey]

Happy New Year to you too.
2021 is officially the year we try and make a baby! Hurray

 

[Bevziibubble]

Yay!

 

[Nima]

Hey @KPeakey
Just wanted to say good luck! We are also a same sex couple and we have a known donor who's now our daughter's kind-of-father. We did home inseminations and it was a journey. I totally understand you wanting to do ivf.
An alternative to an anonymous donor would be to freeze your friend's sperm in a clinic. Just an idea, in case it's helpful.
Fingers crossed for you!

 

[2mamas2be]

Thanks for sharing this. My wife and I are in very early stages of trying to decide our plans for children. We have recently decided that we definitely do want to have them, and now I feel so overwhelmed with choices - IUI, IVF, Reciprocal IVF, home insemination... not to mention who carries the baby. Best of luck!