I hope this makes sense by the time Im through. I have a lot going through my head I need to get out and probably wont re-read right after finishing. Just need to get it our of my brain. Just a word of caution, there will likely be some swearing.
Just adopt!/Theres always adoption!
Im tired of people telling me Im selfish for wanting to do IVF instead of just adopt. Have they ANY idea of the process and the expenses and MAJOR risks? Invasive interviews, medical histories, income verifications, home interviews
fees after more fees on top of more fees, all out of pocket. People who say just save up for it have no idea how expensive it is and dont believe me when I tell them it can easily be $50,000 or more by the time youre done. Well, a friend of mine did it through foster care and the fees were $X. Too bad $X doesnt cover the legal expenses that YOU, and the adopter, have to pay for all sides. And too bad a lot of the children in foster care shouldnt have been taken away in the first place (an exs daughter was taken away without cause and returned a year later after he and the mom both had attorneys fighting against the court trying to adopt their daughter out the very day she was taken away, the cute little blue-eyes blond that fetches a higher price).
And of course theres the argument that international adoption costs less. This is true and not true. The fees to the overseas agency is usually less than in the US, but when you add in travel, time off work, usually multiple trips there, residency requirements that often result in having to live there at least a few weeks, fees to the US government for passports and all else that comes with bringing a child into the US
one woman I met said the cost of her third adoption, from Ethiopia, ended up costing more than her first two (US) adoptions combined. More on her in a moment.
And I tried adopting once and was turned down for medical problems after being hit by a car as a pedestrian when I was 19. Medical problems can reoccur, they said, like biological parents never get sick.
And no one seems to know that federal law gives biological parents who place their children for adoption a full six months afterward to decide they want the child back, and they get the child back, no questions asked, but you dont get any money back. And after six months, they can petition and are often successful. An ex-friend of mine petitioned after six years and got her on back. Its like an adopted child is only yours as long as the bio-parents never want to take the child back. That woman a couple paragraphs up with the child from Ethiopia? Her first two adoptions ended with the bio-parents taking the children back, both near the six-month mark. And she said she couldnt do an US adoption again, didnt have the heart left for it. (Fortunately she had the funds available to adopt three times, and she realized she was fortunate.)
Being told I am selfish for wanting a baby post-eating-disorder
Yes, Ive battled one. Im sick and tired of hearing how Ill just end up starving a baby in-utero. Having had one and recovering from one are different. No one tells someone who used to smoke cigarettes or used to drink heavily or used to do drugs that shes going to smoke/drink/drug her baby to death. So why is it okay for people to say women with EDs have no rights to have children and are selfish if they want them? That we are going to do IVF is a big motivation for me to stop. I want to have a healthy baby more than I want to hit 100 pounds. Yes, people whove dealt with EDs CAN have things more important to them that being super-skinny! Ive been called a liar for this though.
Being told Im a woman-hater.
Im sick and tired of being told Im a woman-hater because I decided that I am going to give Cody as much say over my body and what I eat as I have. As I see it, if Im carrying OUR child, why should all the decisions for OUR childs development and nutritional needs be left up to ME? As far as I see it, if I begin to eat too little by old habit, hell be the one to notice and tell me I need to eat more. Whats wrong with him watching out for me, or acknowledging that the baby we will be working so hard to have is as much his as mine? Apparently I set the feminist movement back a century because I believe the father of my child has as much right to make sure his child is properly cared for before birth. Or is he supposed to just not care because its happening in my body, therefore its all my responsibility? Yet men who dont care are insulted as well.
My body, my choice, they say (Im pro-life, fwiw, have been my entire life, and its not religiously-motivated - most agnostics are pro-choice). So why do they only say that should be in certain circumstances? What harm is it to them is I CHOOSE to let our future-childs father have as much say? Hes the one most likely to notice if my eating is out of whack.
Maybe its for the best/Maybe its Natures way of telling you something.
These are the people I want to punch sometimes. Okay, so diabetes is Natures way of telling someone theyre better off dead because theyre defective? OR maybe its for the best that a child with cancer dies? At least by the thought that if it takes medical intervention, its not natural. Diabetes, colitis, crohns, cancer, heart bypasses, and many other disorders, defects, diseases, and conditions that would kill without medical intervention are treated every day and no one says its wrong. So why is it wrong and against Nature to seek help and treatment for infertility? And how is it Natures way of telling me anything if my infertility right now is the result of being hit by a car? Nature had nothing to do with that!
I hear very VERY often how the inability to have children is Natures way of keeping defective genes from passing on. Okay. So why do people with diabetes or a history of cancer or seizures or whatever - why can a lot of them still have kids? Clearly Nature sucks at weeding out imperfect people. Saying its for the best is a throwback to Nature telling us all something.
If you miscarried already, it must mean you arent meant to have kids.
To those idiots who said this, FUCK OFF! Seriously, just fuck off. What a way to stab someone with words. A double-whammy. Almost half of all women have a miscarriage at some point, and that hurts enough, but to say something like that to someone so desperately wanting a baby? I am unable to put into words how horrific this is. And all I can think of to say to the freaks who say this to me are those two words in caps a few lines above, even though Im thinking MUCH worse thoughts that would probably make anyone here lose all respect for me, so I will keep them to myself.
Its irresponsible to have babies if you have ever had a medical problem and are infertile now
Hello, Eugenics! Know who else thought that anyone with any medical problem shouldnt have children? HITLER. Have any illness in your history? A slightly deformed hand? Wear glasses? Say hello to the incinerator along with the Jews, Perverts (gays), and anyone else deemed unfit to pass on their genes. Yes, Hitler did this!
Yes, I had a medical problem when I was younger that got really severe and nearly killed me. Its also believed that exactly what I had is a spontaneous genetic mutation as the evidence toward it being hereditary is too weak. If my world-class surgeon told me the chances of a child having the same problem is so minute as to not need to be a concern, Im going to trust her over all the arm-chair-doctors out there who think they know different because they saw something similar on [insert whatever TV show here]. And the medical problems since then, aside from the care, were direct results of some of the treatments necessary to keep me alive. No one else in my entire known family history has ever had these problems.
A lot of people are suddenly pro-eugenics when it comes to people seeking infertility treatments. Very little discouragement against those who want children after completing chemo and being in remission as long as conception can happen by unprotected sex. But there is discouragement galore against infertile people! And suddenly the medical problem that wouldnt have otherwise been an issue is THE big factor against having children. I dont get it. I really dont understand it. Its illogical logic. And theres no logical way to argue against something that already lacks logic.
Being told that if we cant afford IVF out of pocket, we cant afford a baby since children cost a lot more than IVF to raise
Can we file children cost a lot more than IVF to raise under No shit!? Yes, over 18 years (or more, depending on how you look at it) children are going to cost more than the $10,000-$30,000 than it typically costs to have IVF. But the cost of raising a child is spread out over a childs childhood and teen years, a couple decades! I know very few parents who could have afforded this much money all out of pocket and up-front before having kids. I know very few who could scrape together that money right now! But does it mean they cant afford the children they have? No. Because they arent having to come up with tens of thousands in a short time! Hundreds of thousands of poor people work their asses off to raise their children and will be lucky to see $1,000 to spare at one time in their lives, yet are doing just fine at raising good kids and making sure they have what they need. Should there be some rule that whoever cant prove they can afford IVF should have their kids taken away because they cant afford them if they cant afford IVF? This is just STUPID.
Being told Im not really TTC unless we are having eggs harvested tomorrow
This one I dont hear as often as the rest, but hurts me because we wish we could do it tomorrow. We arent for a few reasons. Among them are that we just got insurance, and there are several steps. When we first started seeing a doctor, it was all out of pocket, VERY difficult for a 27yo and 25yo in expensive Silicon Valley to do. We came up against a road block when trying to come up with the money for Essure, and then more for the actual harvest/first transfer.
We finally JUST got insurance that covers most of it, and we are so blessed it actually saddens me knowing our fortune when so many are priced out. Until just a month ago, we were priced out of a baby too. Does this mean we arent actively TTC? As I see it, no.
TTC is a longer process than just getting shots, sucking out eggs, saying hi to sperm, and in the embroys go. The planning process and seeing the doctors, getting what else needs to get done, working out timelines
its all part of the process.
True, we likely will not be doing the actual shots/harvesting until December or January, but for good cause. We are also moving this fall, and the less stress my body is under, the higher the chance of everything going well quickly. Its emotionally painful and is taking a lot of willpower to not jump in and do it right this second. We actually have the $1,500 out-of-pocket we have to pay, but it wouldnt be the responsible thing for us to do to bypass the Essure and the test-run and all else to try to harvest/transfer before a move, and then have the hormones produced by the stress of a move affect a baby trying to grow. Taking our time to TTC is a steady and safe manner is the responsible thing, yet I have heard how were not really TTC or are just making believe, and will only be actually TTC when we have a bunch of hypodermic needles in here.
Heh, does this mean fertile people are only actually TTC when theyre having sex, but not really TTC during the day when theyre out and about?
Well, you can always find some other way to find fulfillment, like volunteering or fostering, or get a dog!
Without fail this one comes either from someone who already has children or someone who doesnt want them at all. I personally feel its selfish, and dare I say, a bit entitlist, for a parent to say something like this? Like Im not good enough to have what they have, so go find another way to patch the hole in my life? Like volunteering or fostering (for which you undergo the same invasive procedure as adopting, only you get some money for it) is the same as raising your own child, seeing first steps, first words, even first time-outs? Like its the same as passing on your morals and raising a child to be the best person she or he can be? How are they in any way comparable?
And how is having a dog in any way comparable? I love animals. I have animals. Two dogs (2yrs and 6mo) and two cats (23yrs and 4yrs). Theyre my babies, and Id do anything for them, but they are not the same as children. Theyre family, but they are not the same as children! Sometimes they help lessen the sting, but they can not fill the hole, no matter how much I love the four of them.
Some of the things people have said to me
Going through infertility treatments are hard enough without being made to feel ashamed for not being able to conceive naturally. So I am outspoken about what Im going through. Im not going to back down and hang my head in shame because some total fuckwads out there think I should.
Ive been told Im abusing a baby that hasnt been conceived because of a history of ED. Ive been told that the baby is better off being miscarried than raised by a mom too selfish to adopt. Ive been told my baby will be born full of hate for me because I was so terrible for
my dog having a litter of puppies (purebred goldens). I dont think many people can stomach the worst of it, so Ill leave that out.
Im frustrated, and I want to cry. Am I the only one who sometimes closes my eyes and try to feel a baby in my arms? What do they say, envision what you want and the chance of it happening increase? Im just so frustrated. All my life I wanted to be June Clever, a stay-at-home mother to a couple children, and never did I think the part Id have trouble with would be having those children. So many people take their fertility for granted. After a medical-nightmare of the past, and now this, it just feels sometimes like I keep winning that one-in-a-million chance of things happening.
Anyway, I doubt anyone read all this, but I just needed to get it off my chest.
