Unexperienced 'StepMom' who needs your help

[VintageEnvy]

Hey there ladies, I am having some issues that I would really appreciate some advice on. My OH has 3 children from a previous marriage, the oldest being 8. This 8 year old misbehaves a lot but one of the things that really gets under my skin and I just cannot let continue is his spitting on his younger siblings when he's mad at them.

They are ages 5 and 2. He will get right up in their face and just spit on them or mimic spitting by blowing air. I'm at my wits end with this child and I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried verbally talking to him about it, time outs, even harshly yelling at him about it and nothing has changed. The behavior hasn't gotten worse, hasn't gotten better.

These children are only with us a few days a week and the spitting happens at least twice each day. I had never dated a man before with children and I honestly have never been around them so I am really looking for some advice from experienced mothers out there. Thank you.

 

[JASMAK]

Personally, I don't think step parents should discipline other peoples' children. Talk to your boyfriend adn see if he can, tell him your concerns. I think trying to discipline them is going to major backfire on you...that is just from personal experience, and from going to support groups for children with 'step parents'. Apparently it is one of the biggest no-nos.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I agree a little about the disciplining but also it is your house and he needs to respect that and there needs to be consequences for bad behavior. Your husband would have to be there every single time he does it to correct him, if he is not then I feel you have the right too ( Not spanking or anything like that ) But it is your home and that has to count for something/ Do you talk to his mom? If so maybe you can work something out with her/ I can't imagine how hard this must be, but this behavior should not be tolerated and dismissed just cause your a stepparent. Hope you find a solution

 

[Betheney]

I agree with the above but I'm not talking from experience. I watched a whole Dr. Phil episode on step parent's one day and he said the step parent can not be the discipline dispenser.

 

[_Vicky_]

I was a step parent of a 9 and 13 year old (I split with ex when they were 19 and 23)

Couldn't agree more with the above but I also had 'house rules' I even went so far as putting them on a White board thing for the youngest as sometimes it was a month between stays. Xxxxx

 

[ablacketer]

how can you tell a step parent he/she shouldnt discipline..... its like telling a child they can walk alll over the step parent because there isnt a darn thing he/she can do about it! not only that you encourage "tattling" behavior because that is essentially what the step parent is doing, tattling to the parent so THEY can discipline. PLUS youre delaying punishment! Im sorry ladies. that is bananas.

 

[I Love Lucy]

I don't have kids but I wandered into this forum. I found this thread interesting because I remember this was a huge discussion in my Developmental Psychology: Adolescence class. A lot of the research shows that step mom's have it harder than step father's because mom's are associated with the child rearing. Sometimes, the biological father may expect the step mother to take on the responsibilities of disciplining the children, etc. especially if that was the way the previous marriage was. This is kind of where the view of step mothers as being evil came from (Cinderella anyone?).

That being said, trying to discipline the children could backfire on you and result in them continuing to act out and disrespect you. In your position, I would talk to you OH about the discipline and have him take more responsibility with it. Maybe have him sit down with the kids and explain to them that you are an adult and they have to listen to you.

 

[VintageEnvy]

Thank you for all the replies! I too had heard that as a 'step parent' I am not supposed to dish out punishment which has left me just beyond frustrated. With the children and my partner, he seems to just sort of let them walk all over him and I feel we aren't doing them any favors by letting them rule the roost so to say.

Im thinking maybe we should go to parenting class together or something because I can see things getting out of control really fast. The bad behaviors I see these children exhibiting now are not being stopped and that is a huge problem for them when they get older. I'm walking that fine line of wanting to make them feel welcome and appreciated in our home but at the same time letting them know that some things are just not acceptable.

I have them and my oh to deal with on it because he is just a wet noodle. One example, his 5 year old doesn't ask for things, he doesn't say please or thank you. If he wants something he just yells the word and he gets it. He'll be playing a video game and yell "Spaghetti!" and he gets spaghetti. Where in the world is this ok!?!

I guess now I'm just venting. It's truly frustrating trying to make something work that is so overwhelmingly difficult. Thank you again for all the responses. Im going to continue trying to work behind the scenes on setting up rules in my house.

 

[JASMAK]

I would definitely go to a parenting class together, because I bet they have so great advice/ideas, plus then perhaps the counsellor can help him hear your concerns too! If you feel there is a discipline issue, then you should definitely speak to him about it. I am sure it must be a very hard position to be in.

 

[chezziepie]

could you talk to their mum about them in general and what her house rules are? maybe have the same ones unless she lets them behave like this?

 

[equikm]

Thank you for all the replies! I too had heard that as a 'step parent' I am not supposed to dish out punishment which has left me just beyond frustrated. With the children and my partner, he seems to just sort of let them walk all over him and I feel we aren't doing them any favors by letting them rule the roost so to say.

Im thinking maybe we should go to parenting class together or something because I can see things getting out of control really fast. The bad behaviors I see these children exhibiting now are not being stopped and that is a huge problem for them when they get older. I'm walking that fine line of wanting to make them feel welcome and appreciated in our home but at the same time letting them know that some things are just not acceptable.

I have them and my oh to deal with on it because he is just a wet noodle. One example, his 5 year old doesn't ask for things, he doesn't say please or thank you. If he wants something he just yells the word and he gets it. He'll be playing a video game and yell "Spaghetti!" and he gets spaghetti. Where in the world is this ok!?!

I guess now I'm just venting. It's truly frustrating trying to make something work that is so overwhelmingly difficult. Thank you again for all the responses. Im going to continue trying to work behind the scenes on setting up rules in my house.

Have to say i disagree with saying you cant discipline them, its just that you need back up!

When i got together with OH four years ago his son was 2yo and from that young age he was very capable of controlling his dad lol! My partner has shared care arrangement with his ex and we have now been living together for 2 years and have his son with us 5 days a week. Quite sadly my stepsons mum cares little for him and does anything for an easy life, this has actually made my step son quite insecure and he likes to know exactly what he is doing at every moment!

we had problems with stepson shouting out demands and not saying please and thank you and this was all because he gets to act this way at his mums. to begin with i would politely say things like please can i have a drink and he would repeat and i would then praise him and seeing me do this his dad followed suit, manners are important to me and my OH. I was aware my OH often felt guilty his son had a broken home and didnt want to be telling his son off constantly, but funny thing is i never minded saying no or stating that stepson was out of line and do you know the wee soul is fiercely loyal to me he will stick up for me when his mother tells him to call me names and always wants to be with me when he is not well etc. Having rules gives kids security and as long as you are consistent and fair there is nothing wrong with saying you dont like this behaviour.

Its not easy being a step mum, the say being a parent is a thankless task well being a step mum is even more thankless! Chat to your other half and explain your concerns - im sure he wont want his kids spitting on each other. It gets easier when you have some rules and we have a star chart for stepson which he really likes. Step children can be great fun too - love mine to bits, try focus on positive activites to do together and hang in there

 

[leahsbabybump]

my OH is my sons step dad he says he wil never disciplin my son as its not his place however he will come to me and air his concerns and he wont hold back lol he says what he thinks he will suggest a disciplin method also if i go with his method or not my choice but if i was you i would defo tell the boy that he is your house so to be respectfull he should follow your rules if he ignores you you need to get your OH to tell him off properly if he refuses speek to their mom i bloody would its discusting

god luck hun hope you get it resolved

 

[shekyram]

I am a custodial step mother to two boys who will be 9 and 10 soon. I also have a biological son whom is 11 and a baby on the way in June. I am not trying to insult anyone here but it is easy to give advice to people when you don't deal with the same situation they are facing. I discipline my two that live in MY home and the way I feel is if anyone thinks otherwise they can come get them and raise them. I have to do what thier BIO will not do and then some. Mom walked out on them when they were 1 and 2 and now "want's" to be involved since our marriage because of jealousy. Being a step-parent is not a blanket situation and I think it depends on your own situation. If mine did not live with me I would not be involved like I am now so of course I would not discipline to the degree I do now. But telling the person who is expected to take care of these children on the weekends or summer breaks that they cannot discipline is crazy and gives the children a free ticket to manipulate the situation. Remember back in the days when the neighbor was allowed to tell your children "NO" or stop them from doing something crazy? This is what is wrong with our children these days.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Yepp. Step parenting is difficult. You get all the brunt of everything, from the real mum, friends and family, telling you you're doing this wrong and that, to have everyone turn around and tell you it's not your business, you shouldn't get them in trouble, you shouldn't be alone with them. It's a horrible situation, but we deal. I think you do need to speak with the mum about it and find out if he's doing it at their house. My SD had an issue with pinching whenever she was angry, if you wouldn't let her pinch you she'd pinch herself. We had to get the mum involved so she knew what to watch for, and she stopped doing it within two weeks because everyone involved stopped her if they noticed it.

 

[seoj]

I'm a full time step-mom to my oldest (who's now 14)- she was 9 when I started dating her Dad. And trust me, being a step-parent is one of THE hardest things I've ever done... in a lot of ways because of her bio mom, but that's a different story. LOL.

One thing you could try- and I found that worked with my SD, is a reward system. Sometimes kids are looking for attention- good or bad. So if you reward the good, they tend to focus on what they can do to get more praise... instead of acting out. With my SD, we had a sticker system (but maybe find something your SS will respond to)-- if my SD got her homework done without a fit, she got a sticker... if she did her "chores", she got a sticker... on and on... she could then redeem the stickers for something. Like a movie, or a friend staying over etc... things a 9-10yr old girl would love.

When she acted out (as hard as it was)- we just sent her to her room... we didn't yell or punish, but told her to come out when she was ready to talk about it. Then we would have a conversation about feelings and why she did what she did. Obviously it depends on how your child may respond to this approach- and how much you can get out of a 8yr old boy... but he is certainly capable of sharing feeling at that age, even if he may not fully understand why he felt that way.

Just some thoughts from one step-mom to another Also... you have every right to parent your step-children. It may take time to understand your roll fully- and lots of talks with their Dad to see how he parents so you can be a united front, but after trial and error- I treat my SD exactly how I would my own child. She responds to it very well.

Best of luck!

 

[CLH_X3]

I'm a step mum and I don't agree with I can't punish the step child ...

At the end of the day when that child comes into my home and misbehaves she's going to get told of by me or my OH ... Whichever one sees her behaving naughty at the time ..

Example 'my oh went to the shop to get x y and I stayed at home with my SD, she drawer on the wall ...' so what am I meant to dO... Say dw it's fine carry on

No I'm going to take the pen away tell her off and then I gave her a cloth to wipe it off the wall... Drawing on walls is not acceptable and I'm going to tell her off!!

 

[sw2129]

I'm also a step-mum, i have known my step son since he was 2 (he is 11 now) i have always been a bit wary about disciplining him as he is not my son and was always worried what hubby or his mother might say. They have both told me i am too discipline him if needed too. I have only ever told him off twice in all these years as i still talk to hubby and get him to sort it.

Talk to you OH and try to get their mother involved too. Hope you get it sorted soon x

 

[Lenny]

Thank you for all the replies! I too had heard that as a 'step parent' I am not supposed to dish out punishment which has left me just beyond frustrated. With the children and my partner, he seems to just sort of let them walk all over him and I feel we aren't doing them any favors by letting them rule the roost so to say.

Im thinking maybe we should go to parenting class together or something because I can see things getting out of control really fast. The bad behaviors I see these children exhibiting now are not being stopped and that is a huge problem for them when they get older. I'm walking that fine line of wanting to make them feel welcome and appreciated in our home but at the same time letting them know that some things are just not acceptable.

I have them and my oh to deal with on it because he is just a wet noodle. One example, his 5 year old doesn't ask for things, he doesn't say please or thank you. If he wants something he just yells the word and he gets it. He'll be playing a video game and yell "Spaghetti!" and he gets spaghetti. Where in the world is this ok!?!

I guess now I'm just venting. It's truly frustrating trying to make something work that is so overwhelmingly difficult. Thank you again for all the responses. Im going to continue trying to work behind the scenes on setting up rules in my house.

Have to say i disagree with saying you cant discipline them, its just that you need back up!

When i got together with OH four years ago his son was 2yo and from that young age he was very capable of controlling his dad lol! My partner has shared care arrangement with his ex and we have now been living together for 2 years and have his son with us 5 days a week. Quite sadly my stepsons mum cares little for him and does anything for an easy life, this has actually made my step son quite insecure and he likes to know exactly what he is doing at every moment!

we had problems with stepson shouting out demands and not saying please and thank you and this was all because he gets to act this way at his mums. to begin with i would politely say things like please can i have a drink and he would repeat and i would then praise him and seeing me do this his dad followed suit, manners are important to me and my OH. I was aware my OH often felt guilty his son had a broken home and didnt want to be telling his son off constantly, but funny thing is i never minded saying no or stating that stepson was out of line and do you know the wee soul is fiercely loyal to me he will stick up for me when his mother tells him to call me names and always wants to be with me when he is not well etc. Having rules gives kids security and as long as you are consistent and fair there is nothing wrong with saying you dont like this behaviour.

Its not easy being a step mum, the say being a parent is a thankless task well being a step mum is even more thankless! Chat to your other half and explain your concerns - im sure he wont want his kids spitting on each other. It gets easier when you have some rules and we have a star chart for stepson which he really likes. Step children can be great fun too - love mine to bits, try focus on positive activites to do together and hang in there

iam in round about them same situation as you ive been a stepmam for 3 years now she lives with us 5 days a week and i work part time to look after my SD iam the rule maker in our house and she loves and respects me for it when she goes to bed she wants me when she goes in the bath she wants me because iam the stable one in her life she nos what i say goes with everybody else she twists and whines trying to get her own way she doesnt even try that with me rules are a good thing for children otherwise they show no respect for you. i deffo dont think there is anything wrong with enforcing rules in your own home you cant expect to just watch it happen and do nothing about it otherwise they will walk all over you kids arnt daft xx

 

[DJJ]

Im also a step mum and want to add my thoughts to this post. when the kids are with us then I am their mother. I cook, clean, do homewrok with them, play with them, comfort them, bath them etc so if the need comes up for me to need to correct them then I will. If I am in a position to ask them to do some thing then I should also be allowed to discipline them if they refuse. By disipline I dont mean a smack coz they are not mine so that is a line too far. I might send them to sit quietly or to their rooms or even just a stern conversationa nd request a apology. Sometimes i feel sorry for the poor kids coz i will deal with something that comes up when i have soul responsibility for them and then when dad comes home he will want to sort it out again but the kids have then moved on and we are at peace. But the rules are family rules. i asked when I came into their life what was and was not acceptable. Sometimes I do have to just turn a blind eye coz they are allowed to do something that if they were my kids I wouldnt allow. Its all about balance. I do feel that my confidence and the kids respect for me has grown since we became a family and what works now wouldnt have worked at the start.
Hope my experiences ahave given another point of view.

 

[scoobydrlp]

I am step-mom to OH's 15 year old daughter and I think it's silly not to allow a step-parent to discipline. Children need consistancy! I believe the step-parent and biological parent should always be a team. There should be set house rules and expectations, and whichever parent is present should enforce them. It hasn't backfired on me so far, and we starting dating when SD was only 6. Never once have I heard "you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother!" It takes a village!