Unreal experience

[Obsessing]

Hi everyone! I'm a new member to this site but I need your support because no one else understands what I'm going through because of the circumstances of my miscarriage. I had hcg beta testing done as a check up at 8 weeks. My family doctor called me a few hours later to tell me that my levels had gone to 0 and that I had a miscarriage. I was absolutely devastated!! My heart felt like it had been shattered! But it gets worse...2 weeks went by and my body had no expelled the remains. I didn't suffer any cramps or bleeding at all within this 2 weeks. I went to my family dr and she told me that it can take weeks to happen but I told her that I still felt pregnant and she said that was denial. I was angry so I went to my gyno and told her what was going on and asked if she could test again or do an exam but she said that the levels dropped to 0 so my body might have reabsorbed it. Another week and 5 days later I started bleeding uncontrollably and was in crippling pain. I stayed home for a day trying to deal with it, but it got out of control. I went to the hospital and had bloodwork done upon arrival. Then I waited for 3 hours in agonizing pain before a dr came in. 3 drs entered the room and apologized for the wait but they didn't know how to tell me what was going on or how to deal with it! They told me that my bloodwork indicated that I was just shy of 12 weeks pregnant and that my previous bloodwork was a lab error. I was pregnant that entire time they then told me that I was having a threatened miscarriage. So then I just had to lay there until it happened. I was in such shock after this experience (July 2013) that it is now sinking in and I'm so sad I feel like I lost my baby twice! I tried to tell them that I still felt preg but they didn't listen! I feel so guilty because after they told me I mc the first time I was debased and stressed to the max so I feel like I did this because it was a healthy preg all along until I stopped caring for myself and stressed. I just really needed to share this and I hope to hear from some of you I've wanted a baby since I can remember-a born mother and I was elated with this pregnancy and just as happy as I was I am now that sad! We have been trying again (2 cycles) and with each period I fall deeper into sadness! Thanks for listening! Xx

 

[florida_gal]

Aww hun I'm so sorry.

Mother's instinct is amazing. Just like you knew you were still pregnant, I just knew that I had lost my baby one day. Everyone told me not to worry but I knew, and then the ultrasound confirmed. We have to give ourselves credit for knowing best what's going on inside of us and with our little ones.

I can't believe what happened to you and that a mistake of that magnitude could be made! But I also think that you can't blame yourself for what happened. I really don't believe stress has much to do with our pregnancy outcomes, because so many of us have all kinds of stress going on about one thing or another. It's not fair to blame yourself for something that was so beyond your control. In all likelihood this would have happened even if your original test results came back normal. Try not to beat yourself up, you are going through enough.

TTC is such a hard process, and after a loss it has to be even harder. I am such a mess of emotions even thinking about TTC again and I'm not even close to being able to try again. Try to be gentle on yourself and maybe set a little reward for yourself if you end up with a BFN to keep your spirits up. When I suspected I was going to miscarry I told my husband I wanted to go to a local wine festival if it happened, so we're going to do that next weekend. While we were TTC, each month I got a BFN I'd eat hotdogs, or go out for a beer or something just to enjoy the things for "one last month" before I wouldn't be able to anymore. It helped keep my spirits up instead of focusing on the disappointment.

I know it's hard to find much happiness in anything when you're going through this, but I really hope you do! I will keep my fingers crossed for your BFP and make sure you update here when you get it to give the rest of us hope.

 

[Obsessing]

You are amazing! I can't thank you enough for your response! You actually made me feel a little better and relieved some guilt I've been holding on to! I hesitated to share my experience on here as I don't have much of an online presence but I knew I needed to connect with people who could relate to me and talk to! We are trying again but it may be too soon as I am so obsessed and rigid about it! I'm just trying to get that "mommy" feeling back! But I am going to try to relax from now on! I will most definitely share when I get my BFP thanks!! X

 

[florida_gal]

I'm so glad that helped a little! It helps so much to be a part of this forum for me. There's just something comforting about talking through these things with other women who've been through it too.

Have fun TTC! I'm going to enjoy my wine next week (and probably a few weeks after that ) and then get to it myself hopefully!

 

[Obsessing]

I just poured myself a glass take care and thanks! I also hope my experience helps others trust their instincts and fight harder!

 

[Bella12]

I'm so sorry. Your story really bothers me because they added extra stress to your life. Definitely, don't blame yourself. I can't remember the website but quite a few years back I read an article that stated stress does not have direct connection to mc. They studied pregnant NYers after September 11. I don't remember the exact statistic but most of them continued on to have healthy pregnancies. I hear it takes the body a few months before its ready and healed. Good luck! Keep us posted.

 

[Obsessing]

Thanks Bella12!! I cannot hear enough that it isn't my fault! I appreciate your response!

 

[Bella12]

No problem! I think it is natural for us to want to blame ourselves. I'm going through the same thing. I know the research supports that it happens often and that it is not usually the fault of the mother (unless she is making very VERY, bad life choices), but I still find myself asking myself, what if I did not do thins? or That? I'm doing my best to just accept the facts and mourn so that I may be able to move on.

I hope you are feeling a little better today.

 

[Obsessing]

Thanks bella12! I do ok every day-people would be surprised that I'm going through this because I am always cheery but it's tiring. I find too that after a certain period of time, it gets uncomfortable to talk about even with the people who knew because they expect (due to their lack of understanding having not gone through it) that I should be over it so I find myself alone with my sadness a lot. I watched the season premier of Long Island medium and had a cathartic cry as she received a message from a newborn who passed! It was a good cry for sure! I just can't stop obsessing over getting pregnant again! It's all I think about day and night! It's a week before my period and I'm freaking out just praying that I'm pregnant! It's driving me insane but I honestly can't help it!

 

[Obsessing]

Got 3 BFPs today-I should be jumping for joy but instead I'm scared to death!