Upset and emotional!

[Welshcob]

What a weird few days! Some days I feel strong and others awfully weak...like to day. Where I seem to find myself internet stalking FOB...you know googling him and seeing what hes been up to. Its sad and sick and only ends up causing me more pain. I found him on Flikr - sharing photos of his numerous trips and girls seem to have been posting on there. So you see what an utter fool I must have been! I can't understand why I can sit here crying because he just turned his back on me for the millionth time. Not only that, but that he goes out of his way to hurt me. I feel so hurt and the worst bit, the most sickening bit is that I still love him! Not when hes cruel and nasty! but he has this other side that is so loving. And I just don't understand! I know I say to myself I can't ever understand him as it makes no sense. But I find it hard. I miss him!!! and I am crying as I write this. How has it got to this? How could he have gone from saying he loved me to then just cutting me out like I didn't exist and hating me!
In my heart I am so happy that I have his baby. I am so happy because at least I know I loved its daddy, it doesn't matter that he doesn't love us. We will have each other.
I hope you can all bear with me...I so need to share this with someone and I can't even make any contact with him in any form as he will use it as a weapon against me.
I want to tell him that I need him, and wish he loved me! and I miss him - in his sane and kind moments that is!
I am listening to all your advice and I know you are helping me hugely. I told my dad about baby as hes visiting from France and he was so happy! I told my step mom too and she asked who FOB was and asked me if it was the New Zealander. I said yes. I think there is no point in hiding it. I just hope that soon I won't miss him so much! I wanted to send him scan pics and stuff. But I can't and anyway, if he wanted to know he would have made contact. Please kick me up the butt...I am in a real down in the dumps day! But still thankful every day for this Bubs. So still counting my blessings.

 

[babystar]

 

[edinsam]

hun please dont be hard on yourself - you do not need a kick up the butt.. anything but. You need support and help and someone to speak to thats why we are here.

When I read your post I nearly cried myself - obvioulsy I have not had the legal traumas that you have had but I have gone through exactly the same emotions you have, gosh only last night I cried for about half an hour on the way home for no reason at all other than I missed him. I am like you that at times all the nasty parts melt away and we remember the loving, caring fun side. However that should not blight you to the reality of what he has done. Its absolutely fine to miss those times but you need to keep strong and remember the bad parts. Its them that push us on and get us through.

You need to just take these crying episodes as part of the grieving process (as in reality thats what it is) if you get frustrated with yourself and try to keep it in then it will only just bottle up and by the time you do let it out then you will be in a very bad way. If I feel I need to cry I just go with it and hope that the next time it may be slightly longer before I cry again.

I too am like you in that I miss my ex so much and still love him very much but in reality telling him that only frustrates the situation and do you know what I have realised since not speaking to him for almost 2 weeks now that it was the contacting him and getting no responses or bad responses that was making me worse. Now I have no expectations as I am not contacting him so I can't be dissappointed when I don't hear from him!! (if that makes any part of sense)

I think we have all done the googling bit etc - its part of breaking up isnt it so don't feel crap about that...

Its horrid that he's hurting you - mines is the same but do you know what - that's there coping mechanism and yours sounds a hell of a lot like mine and do you know what I believe this is becuase its the only way he can cope, the only way for him to get me out of his life is to be nasty. He has told me that - I bet yours is the same. He wants me to hate him and do you know what he is the father of my unborn child - I will never trully hate him. So hun just go with the flow, cry when you like, scream when you like, just try and be strong to stop yourself contacting him. Do you know what in the end it will be his curiousity that gets the better of him - it will be him who thinks ooh I haven't heard from her, strange - wonder what she's up to. Let him be in that position and by which time you should be in a way stronger one!

I heard a saying a few weeks ago that its the person who cares less when a relationship breaks up that is the person with the most control. THat is so bloody true. I keep on thinking about that saying and realising that I need to start caring less to put me back in control.

Hang on in there, pm me any time you want to rant/rave/cry etc. I will try my best to help. Its only be 8 weeks since my ex left me and went back to his ex but I think I am getting there slowly but surely

Chin up hun

Massive hugs

Sam
x

 

[edinsam]

Incidentally here is the last email I sent him (which did include the scan picture as I feel he has the right to know.) Needless to say he didnt respond but at least I know he got it.

Hi Hun

Thought should give you an update

Just back from abnormality scan, results as follows:

Spina Bifida - Negative
Down's Syndrome - Negative
Edwards Syndrome - Negative
Fluid on brain - clear
Fluid back of neck - clear
Spine - Clear and normal
Heart - Clear - 4 cylinders, perfect
Liver, Kidneys, bladder - perfect
Cleft Pallet - Clear

Basically all fantastic.

Only one shocker in all of it today and that is that they got it wrong, you are having another daughter. Confirmed today - by 2 separate people. Wow I am stunned (but absolutely over the moon… She will be absolutely stunning, god if she is a dark haired version of Hanban - wow!! - hold back the men of Edinburgh)

So I can confirm that Alex will have a sister and she will be called Lily Grace. It's the best news ever (maybe not for Mattie though he wanted his wee brother!)

Hope you are doing/keeping well.

Sam

 

[xarlenex]

I'd maybe send him the scan picture, see if it will get any sort of decent reaction from him..?

 

[Welshcob]

Incidentally here is the last email I sent him (which did include the scan picture as I feel he has the right to know.) Needless to say he didnt respond but at least I know he got it.

Hi Hun

Thought should give you an update

Just back from abnormality scan, results as follows:

Spina Bifida - Negative
Down's Syndrome - Negative
Edwards Syndrome - Negative
Fluid on brain - clear
Fluid back of neck - clear
Spine - Clear and normal
Heart - Clear - 4 cylinders, perfect
Liver, Kidneys, bladder - perfect
Cleft Pallet - Clear

Basically all fantastic.

Only one shocker in all of it today and that is that they got it wrong, you are having another daughter. Confirmed today - by 2 separate people. Wow I am stunned (but absolutely over the moon… She will be absolutely stunning, god if she is a dark haired version of Hanban - wow!! - hold back the men of Edinburgh)

So I can confirm that Alex will have a sister and she will be called Lily Grace. It's the best news ever (maybe not for Mattie though he wanted his wee brother!)

Hope you are doing/keeping well.

Sam

Hi Sam

What lovely news though! But how awful he hasn't responded. I think mine would be the same too. I'll PM you! Your messages really helped. I think we are in the same emotional place!