Upset at myself and inlaws. What should I do?

[Spudtastic]

OK. This is not a bash the inlaws thread. This is a 'I need real honest advice'. I'm so upset at myself and at my inlaws. It probably will seem such a small thing to people but to me at the moment it feels like the biggest thing in the world.

I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old daughter. My mother in law smokes and both the in laws drink every evening. I have only let my mil cuddle dd2 a couple of times because I believe smoke particles stick to clothes and I'm a but paranoid about it. PLus I have mild asthma so people who have been smoking, even if not in my presence, make me wheeze. This is an aside because it's not about me, it's about my 2 daughters.

WE also live right next door to my inlaws. They have a plot of land and have two houses on it. We rent one and they have the other. My 3 year old likes to go over there every day. They have been living there for two months now. It's a new house.
So yesterday I was in a different room in the house and my daughter was over at the inlaws. I look out the window and see my mil light and smoke a fag inside. Then I left the other room and came into the kitchen and my fil has bought my daughter back. So mil wasn't smoking with my daughter in the house. After my fil left I decided to smell my daughter and she smelled of stale fags. Needless to say I was mortified and horrified. I was upset and annoyed at myself for not noticing it before. PLus I then had a wheeze all evening and today because of it.

There have been a few issues in the past that I have always got my husband to talk to his parents but they never really did anything about it. So I feel if I just get my husband to talk to them about it nothing will change (as a bit of background about 8 years ago mil used to smoke all the time in their house. my fil had a permamant cough which the doctor said was because of the smoking in the house. My mil said that was ruibbish). But eventually I thought my mil was no longer smoking in the house and that the stale smell was just a smell that followed her.

How do I approach this? I feel that all my feelings are ignored but it is their house and I don't have a right to tell them not to smoke in their own house. However This morning I tried to stop my 3 year old going over fir a visit but she just went there anyway.
They also feed her crap food and her ezcema has flared up since they moved in. I obviously can't prove the link but I'm sure it's because she is being fed the foods that bring her ezcema out.

It breaks my heart to have my daughter exposed to all this every day. My husband started smoking at 12 years old and LOVED it instantly. He has had hell giving it up. Before we moved next door my daughter visted them once a week, so I was fine with once a week exposure. (Well I wasn't but I put up with it).

They don't listen to me because in their eyes my opinion doesn;t count but I will try. Any advice would be appreciated. Life isn't as simple as moving house. Thanks for reading this far. I need to look after my daughters.

 

[callmedan]

This is not a small thing it's important to you (and would be to me too) so don't feel bad at all!
Can you speak to you MIL and just say you've noticed DD smelling of smoke and its fine if MIL wants to smoke at home as it is her house but if that's the case she can only visit your girls at your house?
Maybe you and DH could speak to her together?
I would definitely say something though, it may cause a teensy bit of offence at first but I bet she will see your point eventually
Good luck

 

[felix555]

I don't have any good advice but I just want to say you are not overacting at all and this is definitely not a small thing at all! I hope someone can give you some advice on how to deal with this but I would feel the same way you do

 

[lau86]

My kids wouldn't be going to a house every day where someone smokes inside, the smoke lingers everywhere. Couldn't your mil come and visit you instead?

 

[broodymrs]

Hmmm tricky one. I would completely feel the same but I expect your mil is going to be touchy. I'd perhaps approach it by saying that your dd comes home smelling of smoke and as you're getting wheezy you are wondering if it might also be impacting on her health and it concerns you. As the others have said maybe say you're fine with dd playing in their garden as long as she's not smoking but that you'd prefer for her to visit the girls at your house so they aren't being exposed to third hand smoke (I think that's what it's called in this situation). You could also mention you're trying to monitor get diet as her eczema has flared up so ask her not to feed her snacks without oking with you first. As I understand it eczema and asthma often go hand in hand so actually it's another reason to be cautious around smoking. It's a very tricky situation but I agree it's too important not to say something. I think I'd personally get your oh to raise it too. It might be better coming from him. Good luck!

 

[crazy4baby09]

I would be very blunt about the situation and not let my kid go to their house. They would have to come visit at my house or be outside (not smoking around my child). I grew up in a household where both parents smoked inside and they had very little regard for the affects it had on my heath. My doctor would even tell them that the smoking may kill me because I have asthma and was sick all the time due to smoke. My dad blew it off like it was not a problem. People who smoke do not realize the impact their choice has in other people. It seems your mil doesn't care about the affects either since she blew off the fact her smoking affected her own son. This a touchy area for me, but in my opinion my children and their health is worth so much more than trying not to hurt someones feelings. I personally will not let my children go in anyones house if the person smokes there, and I limit their time around people (family or not) who smoke. But that's just me.

 

[Spudtastic]

Thanks everyone. I got my dh to talk to his parents but he spoke to just his dad. His dad said his mum is supposed to be leaning out the window. Ffs really.

And I tried to stop my daughter. She had a tantrum in the morning and then in the evening she ran straight over to their house (it's just one big garden. No roads or anything).
Then when she did I specifically rang up and said don't feed her any bread because she won't eat her dinner. Well when my daughter came back I asked her if she'd eaten anything and she said bread sheepishly like she knew she shouldn't have. Now that sort of thing causes food issues in itself.

My next step is to tell them myself. You are all right. My daughters health is more important than offending the inlaws.

But seriously how to I stop her going to their house? The lock on the door is one of those that clicks open when you turn the handle on the inside.

 

[Jessicahide]

This is in no way a small thing, i would explain to mil and possibly give her some information in panflit form about what second hand smoke can do to children, she is risking their health, ears chests and all sorts of horrible side effects because of her selfishness.. I just don't think there is any excuse at all, don't give a stuff if its her house or not, she should be interested in the children's well being.

 

[Itsychik]

Sorry to hear this, it's definitely a tricky situation and it's really frustrating when family especially, won't listen to your concerns for your own children.

Does your MIL enjoy having your DD over? Or does she just kind of 'accept' it? (i.e. if she actively requests your daughter's presence, she might be more willing to listen to reason if you point out that you won't allow your DD to go over if MIL has been smoking in the house) but if she's just 'putting up with it' since your DD is so close and comes over on her own, then she may be less motivated to respect your wishes.

Perhaps you could consider writing a letter to your in laws and cite some references about the hazards of 2nd- (and 3rd) hand smoke and give it to them to read through? Does your doctors office or health department have any fliers you could maybe take with you to give your MIL?

Regarding preventing your DD from going over there...I think this is also a big problem. The last thing you want is for your DD to learn that she can ignore you and do whatever she wants. I would suggest getting some type of additional latch for your door (or something to put over the door handle if it's round to make it child-proof) that would prevent your DD from being able to get out on her own when you don't want her to. And if you tell her "no" and she goes over there anyway--then I would be marching myself right over there as well to get her and bring her back home. You need to be consistent otherwise she will learn to ignore you if she gets her way anyway. And consider having consequences if she doesn't listen (for example, we start with a time out and escalate to taking away privileges). And once she starts listening you can also work on turning it into positive reinforcement, so that she (for example) gets a sticker whenever she's doing a good job and following instructions.

Just some suggestions! Good luck though xx

 

[Left wonderin]

Oh no tricky situation but I totally understand . Would not like my LO around smoke all day . I'd be very polite but blunt . Maybe invite mil for a cup of tea/ coffee to yours ... Your territory . I'd be out straight and say that you are really worried your LO loves spending time with them and in their house but your worried about her being exposed to their smoking . You don't want to be rude as smoking is their choice to make but you have to do what's best as a mum for your daughter and would it be possible for them not to smoke around your dd. and instead of her going there every day Pick one day of the week when they agree not to smoke for a few hours around her ? Its a really tricky situation !
But honesty is the bet policy and being out front with how you feel while trying to respect their choices . Either that or et up and go out every day and limit LO opportunity to spend time there but that unrealistic in the long term .

Good luck , let us know how you get on