PnkPolkaDots
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Quick background: I got pregnant while on the pill unexpectedly (but welcome!) in the spring of 2013, and m/c shortly after. Started trying that summer, and found out I was pregnant over Thanksgiving weekend 2013, then m/c in January. I've been defeated since then have gone back and forth between actively trying and ntnp. A year after my second m/c... nothing.
Lately I've been doubting myself and it's really getting to me. Being a mother has been my dream since I was little, and knowing that I was working towards that goal is what motivated me through college. Now, I'm starting to think it isn't working because I will be a terrible mother after all and the universe knows it.
Tonight I was googling (I know, I shouldn't) signs that I will be a terrible mother. I came across this list, and am convinced that I meet most of them. I haven't been on BnB in a while and forget the rules with links, but you can find the article and list I'm referring to if you google askmen signs she'll be a terrible mother.
The ones I feel apply to me include being selfish, self destructive, obsessed with staying young, not nurturing, impatient, and being a perfectionist. My explanation:
I wouldn't say that I'm completely selfish, but I'm not the "put every single person before myself" kind of person either. The staying young thing... some woman at a get together commented that she thought my fiance was a few years younger than me (he's a year older and looks his age, I've always been told I look young for my age), and I took it hard and immediately bought a retinol serum the next day. I've always thought of myself as a nurturing person.. I love taking care of animals, and I teach reading as an assistant in a reading program. But the list focuses on how you take care of your partner when he's sick. Most of the time when he's sick, it gets on my nerves. I know he can't help it, but we both work, and I'm also going to school part time and run an Etsy shop. We both do chores around the house, but if he's sick (he has chronic sinuitis so it happens relatively often) I have to do everything and it just stresses me out. On the flip side, I had a first grader puke in class last fall and I didn't give walking her to the office while holding a garbage can and rubbing her back and getting her cleaned up. If anything, I had to hold back tears because the poor thing was miserable! Patience... I'm getting better with age but I wouldn't say that I'm a naturally patient person. Perfectionist... I just am. I accept things can't always be perfect but yes the clutter in my house drives me insane! Last, the self-destruction. I'm convinced I have a chemical imbalance. I go through spells where my self esteem takes a nose dive and I truly hate myself. I don't do anything horrific, but I have bruised my arms and legs before (not lately). I'm finally getting over the stigma of seeing a therapist though and am actively looking for one.
Whew! I'm so sorry for all this. I feel bad for this vent, but I just had to. DF is supportive but gets enough venting from me already. BnB was amazing for support during my miscarriages, so I thought it would be an okay place to vent. I'll likely be hanging around here more in the future.
Lately I've been doubting myself and it's really getting to me. Being a mother has been my dream since I was little, and knowing that I was working towards that goal is what motivated me through college. Now, I'm starting to think it isn't working because I will be a terrible mother after all and the universe knows it.
Tonight I was googling (I know, I shouldn't) signs that I will be a terrible mother. I came across this list, and am convinced that I meet most of them. I haven't been on BnB in a while and forget the rules with links, but you can find the article and list I'm referring to if you google askmen signs she'll be a terrible mother.
The ones I feel apply to me include being selfish, self destructive, obsessed with staying young, not nurturing, impatient, and being a perfectionist. My explanation:
I wouldn't say that I'm completely selfish, but I'm not the "put every single person before myself" kind of person either. The staying young thing... some woman at a get together commented that she thought my fiance was a few years younger than me (he's a year older and looks his age, I've always been told I look young for my age), and I took it hard and immediately bought a retinol serum the next day. I've always thought of myself as a nurturing person.. I love taking care of animals, and I teach reading as an assistant in a reading program. But the list focuses on how you take care of your partner when he's sick. Most of the time when he's sick, it gets on my nerves. I know he can't help it, but we both work, and I'm also going to school part time and run an Etsy shop. We both do chores around the house, but if he's sick (he has chronic sinuitis so it happens relatively often) I have to do everything and it just stresses me out. On the flip side, I had a first grader puke in class last fall and I didn't give walking her to the office while holding a garbage can and rubbing her back and getting her cleaned up. If anything, I had to hold back tears because the poor thing was miserable! Patience... I'm getting better with age but I wouldn't say that I'm a naturally patient person. Perfectionist... I just am. I accept things can't always be perfect but yes the clutter in my house drives me insane! Last, the self-destruction. I'm convinced I have a chemical imbalance. I go through spells where my self esteem takes a nose dive and I truly hate myself. I don't do anything horrific, but I have bruised my arms and legs before (not lately). I'm finally getting over the stigma of seeing a therapist though and am actively looking for one.
Whew! I'm so sorry for all this. I feel bad for this vent, but I just had to. DF is supportive but gets enough venting from me already. BnB was amazing for support during my miscarriages, so I thought it would be an okay place to vent. I'll likely be hanging around here more in the future.
