VENT pregnant sister

[PJS1982]

So! My little sister found out she was pregnant about 2.5 weeks ago. She's 7w4d right now. I was super happy for her. More so excited that I'll have a baby niece or nephew to snuggle on in 9 months. Thing is, she knows I've been TTC since last Dec. She knows how hard it's been on DH and I and to be quite honest, she's always been a selfish immature person, but I love her anyway and try to be as supportive as I can. She's said to me before about my chemical pregnancies "You already have 3. you're fine" uh ouch. So, I don't talk to her about my TTC woes at all, needless to say.

Anyway, she tells me she's pregnant and I literally fly off my seat, jump and hug her crying like a fool. SO excited. At the same time, a little annoyed because of my TTC situation and she's in a relationship with a guy who smokes pot and doesn't have a job and basically lives off of her. But she looooooooves him. Oh well. That's fine. He's nice, but a loser. I fell into a woe is me, why her and not me phase. But I get so torn. I'm so excited to meet this baby and help my sister through her first pregnancy but I'm jealous and angry at my sister at the same time.

Well, to make it worse, I was chatting with her today talking about how hopeful I am that this is finally my month. Her response is "Are you still going to throw my shower?? I mean, Pammy, your due date will be RIGHT after mine. How is that even fair? Can't you just stop until my baby is born? You HAVE 3 already!" SERIOUSLY???? I've been trying and failing, trying and failing for a YEAR and I finally feel hopeful and that is what she says to me? She hasn't even told our mother yet, that is how afraid she is because she knows my mother will flip out because of her relationship situation. My sister is also a drama queen and everything bad happens to her and whine whine whine yadda yadda.
I put up with it more than my mom does. Mom just rolls her eyes at her "always nauseous, migraine, stomach ache, losing weight, gaining weight etc" So, my sister knows she's not in the best situation, which is totally ok and I understand that (was pregnant with DD at 17 and terrified) and I want to be there for her and support that. My DH has even offered his own ear to her BF if he has any concerns or questions or just needs a guy to chat to about his happiness and fears of becoming a daddy. But she's being all begrudging about me possibly being pregnant at the same time she is knowing how this has been for me. And she expects me to STOP ttc until she's ready for me to start...

I'm just really sad. I expected this, but I didn't at the same time. It's not like I will need a baby shower and all kinds of attention. I will still gladly throw her shower and take her registry shopping. I even told her this. Barring a high risk pregnancy and bed rest, I am SO there! I've been waiting to help her with this for years! I just wish she'd be more supportive of me.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

:HUG:

I'm sorry! Some people are very self centered and truly only think of themselves. I think you had it right when you said you wouldn't talk to her about TTC anymore. I believe if she isn't supportive right now towards you, she will never be. Save yourself the heartache and only share your feelings with those that will listen and console all else is just going to hurt you more.

I think you have to stay true to yourself and if that means giving her all the support you think she needs during this time, then that's what you do. But I wouldn't expect a whole lot of appreciation or support in return on her end. Your a great sister, and she is very lucky to have you.

I hope this is your month too! Sounds like you more than deserve it!

 

[PJS1982]

Thanks I'm trying so hard not to expect support but half of me still thinks "she's my sister, aren't sisters supposed to be supportive?" but she's a brat. She's 27 and up until a few weeks ago, she was a total party girl who would go to work with a hangover, call me and whine and ask me to baby her. I'm done with it. I want to be nice, but after today I'm just too emotionally exhausted to even answer her text messages. Blahhh I've been so over sensitive about this the past few months.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

Totally understandable to want to do what you feel is right because she is your sister, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. You just have to prepare yourself that she probably wont appreciate the support and love you give her, as its just not the kind of person she is. I think you can still be supportive to a point, but put a little distance if you feel she is being too selfish and needy. I know its difficult to deal with these personality types, some days I feel surrounded by them!

 

[wantinggirl]

I have 2 sisters i understand your dilemma i'm the baby and since they are way older than me they babied me.well my oldest son is 9 my older sister found out she was pregnant b4 i got pregnant with him.i was so happy for her because her and her oh were ttc for so long we live in different states well i found out i was pregnant 4 weeks after i found out she was i was so ecstatic that we would share this together since we look just alike i called home only for my mom to tell me my sister had miscarried i didn't come to my mom house to visit until i was about 5 months along because i didn' t want to upset her.we would have been due a month apart but she still supported me she wanted to see my stomach even tho i know it still hurt her anyway a long story short she still treats my son like her very own.i even offered to carry a child for her but it's nothing like carrying your own.

 

[babyvaughan]

You are an awesome big sister! Is there an age gap? Or is she young? If so its most likely a mix of immaturity or jealousy. She feels like its her time to be all about her, which as she gets more pregnant and has the baby she will realize life isn't all about her anymore. Demand respect but continue to be the bigger person she will thank you later, and you will gain and AWESOME relationship with her. You will be who she goes to for mother advice its all so knew for her it wont set it in yet. Just maybe don't discuss your TTC with her because its asking to be hurt. Find other's to share it with or us on this forum! I'm kinda in a similar sitation ish.. I just made a post on it actually but it takes us to be strong to pull through and I'm glad I have!

 

[Jrepp]

From reading your post, yes your sister was selfish by wanting you to wait to become pregnant. It sounds like she has some growing up to do. In defense of your sister though, you are also in the wrong by judging her lifestyle. Who cares if her so doesn't have a job and smokes? Does he hit her? Is he cheating on her? It seems that there are much worse things than smoking and being unemployed. She loves him, and that's all that should matter.

I get being angry and jealous. My sister not only told everyone the same day I did that she was expecting, but after I lost my pregnancy she informed everyone we were due on the same day. Talk about anger and jealousy. It's only natural. Perhaps you should write her a letter letting her know that while you are happy for her and wanting to support her, the remarks that she made were insensitive. Let her know that you have no intention of denying yourself the family that you want just to appease her.

 

[PJS1982]

You are an awesome big sister! Is there an age gap? Or is she young? If so its most likely a mix of immaturity or jealousy. She feels like its her time to be all about her, which as she gets more pregnant and has the baby she will realize life isn't all about her anymore. Demand respect but continue to be the bigger person she will thank you later, and you will gain and AWESOME relationship with her. You will be who she goes to for mother advice its all so knew for her it wont set it in yet. Just maybe don't discuss your TTC with her because its asking to be hurt. Find other's to share it with or us on this forum! I'm kinda in a similar sitation ish.. I just made a post on it actually but it takes us to be strong to pull through and I'm glad I have!

We've always been very close. We're the two youngest. I'm 31 and she just turned 28 two days before she found out. I'm still in the mindset of "im 30 and she's 27" lol We have an older sister and two older brothers. I'm usually the one she goes to because I don't feel the need to lecture her and I don't think she actually realized that's she's being a jerk.

She's the baby and used to the world revolving around her. I told her that it's no longer the K Show. She has a baby now and she can't do the whole "I don't feel like eating today, woe is me I lost 3 lbs" thing anymore. I'm done with expecting her to be supportive. I have a great husband and a best friend (who found out she was unexpectedly expecting in Nov lol) who offer support. It's just soooo hard to hear these things come out of my sisters mouth because I know she doesn't hear herself, know what I mean? I've given up calling her on it because then it becomes petty. She will run to our other sibs and say I was mean and then they're all over me until I explain and then they're angry with her and it's a mess. So I try not to confront her because it's not even worth it. Thanks for listening I just needed a place to go to air out all my thoughts and feelings without having to actually confront them. I never let her see that I'm upset because again, she'll take it on herself. If you're hurt by something she said, then she's SOOOO hurt that you're hurt by something she said and it becomes about her and I end up comforting her lol Oy, it's a hot mess sometimes. lol

From reading your post, yes your sister was selfish by wanting you to wait to become pregnant. It sounds like she has some growing up to do. In defense of your sister though, you are also in the wrong by judging her lifestyle. Who cares if her so doesn't have a job and smokes? Does he hit her? Is he cheating on her? It seems that there are much worse things than smoking and being unemployed. She loves him, and that's all that should matter.

I get being angry and jealous. My sister not only told everyone the same day I did that she was expecting, but after I lost my pregnancy she informed everyone we were due on the same day. Talk about anger and jealousy. It's only natural. Perhaps you should write her a letter letting her know that while you are happy for her and wanting to support her, the remarks that she made were insensitive. Let her know that you have no intention of denying yourself the family that you want just to appease her.

Honestly, I do not judge either of them in my heart. It's just my big sister, I want to be pregnant wah wah feeling. Her bf is a super nice guy and we really love him. My kids love him, my other nieces and nephews, but as a big sister, I want my little sister to be stable. No, he absolutely doesn't hit her, thank god because I don't think anyone would find his body after my brothers found out lol It's just part of me to want the absolute best for her and my new niece or nephew and I worry because she says she doesn't want to be the bread winner. She wants to be a SAHM and it hurts me FOR her that with him, she won't be able to have that.
So, I'm not judging him as a person or their lifestyle (it's totally not for me and my kids don't go there becasue of the strong pot smell and smokiness of the house), I'm just sad because when you're ttc for so long and feel you've done all this stuff right, timing, good insurance, saved up for another baby, you've gotten evaluated and told you have unexplained secondary infertility, so you change your diet, quit coffee, take supplements etc etc etc and then someone pops up pregnant by "accident" and their lifestyle is less than healthy..it's kind of a wtf moment. Like I wanna cry like a baby screaming "unfair!" but, it IS fair because my sister deserves to be a mommy too. See my problem? I've got all these things running in my head and it's making me feel really awful, so I had to get it off my chest. Of course I want my sister to have a wonderful healthy pregnancy and I can't wait to experience it with her, whether or not I'm pregnant along side her.
My feelings are a combination of things, which is why I feel so torn on the inside all the time. I can't help how I feel, but please don't think I'm judging or feel snooty towards him.

 

[siempre]

You have to be the bigger person…for the sake of the baby…up to a point. I am a little sister. I have an older sister who is very competitive. It's been very hard on my mom. When I got accepted into my top choice college, my mom hid the letter so as to not upset my sister. When I got a serious boyfriend, my mom refused to tell my sister, so as to not upset her. When I got engaged, my mom told me not to tell her and let her "break the news" as if it were a disease I'd caught. When I got married, my sister almost refused to walk down the aisle and threw a fit RIGHT before the wedding.

Because of the above, I have told NO ONE in my family I'm trying to get pregnant. NO one. Only a few close friends know. I have basically given up my family support because of my older sister's inability to deal. I feel for her. She is single (she's 37), never married, no kids. I do not think her life is very happy.

But there is only so much you can do for another person. You do not give up your own right to a happy life. Or to have children (or more children, in your case). There is only so much you can do. It's not her business how many kids you have. A good person/sister/friend is supportive of your choices.

Do the best you can to be supportive. But be firm, you have the right to have another kid if you wish to, it's not her decision. Be firm or you will get guilted forever, trust me.

oh, and I think we are all suffering from pregnancy jealousy. I think that's the norm when you want to be pregnant, are surrounded by pregnant ladies, and have normal emotions. I go through a little "I will get pregnant, I will get there" mantra every time I feel myself getting annoyed with the 327 pregnant ladies all around me every day. It's a normal emotion when someone has something you want for yourself. It's just normal. It's not easy though.

 

[PJS1982]

You have to be the bigger person…for the sake of the baby…up to a point. I am a little sister. I have an older sister who is very competitive. It's been very hard on my mom. When I got accepted into my top choice college, my mom hid the letter so as to not upset my sister. When I got a serious boyfriend, my mom refused to tell my sister, so as to not upset her. When I got engaged, my mom told me not to tell her and let her "break the news" as if it were a disease I'd caught. When I got married, my sister almost refused to walk down the aisle and threw a fit RIGHT before the wedding.

Because of the above, I have told NO ONE in my family I'm trying to get pregnant. NO one. Only a few close friends know. I have basically given up my family support because of my older sister's inability to deal. I feel for her. She is single (she's 37), never married, no kids. I do not think her life is very happy.

But there is only so much you can do for another person. You do not give up your own right to a happy life. Or to have children (or more children, in your case). There is only so much you can do. It's not her business how many kids you have. A good person/sister/friend is supportive of your choices.

Do the best you can to be supportive. But be firm, you have the right to have another kid if you wish to, it's not her decision. Be firm or you will get guilted forever, trust me.

oh, and I think we are all suffering from pregnancy jealousy. I think that's the norm when you want to be pregnant, are surrounded by pregnant ladies, and have normal emotions. I go through a little "I will get pregnant, I will get there" mantra every time I feel myself getting annoyed with the 327 pregnant ladies all around me every day. It's a normal emotion when someone has something you want for yourself. It's just normal. It's not easy though.

Oh man, that is just awful. That's really unfair of your mom for you AND your sister. She's not doing her any favors by sheltering her that way.
It's so hurtful when the one person you'd think would be there through all the "stuff" in life turns out to be that way.

My sister always felt like she didn't fit in. Our siblings and I are all married with children. We always accepted her and didn't treat her differently or exclude her from things, but she always told me that she felt out of place because her BF won't marry her and she doesn't have kids. I can understand her feeling, but at the same time it's silly because no one thinks less of her or like she isn't an adult or "one of us" because of it. I totally get it though. My parents babied her to death and then as soon as she graduated college, just kind of dumped her out of the nest so she has no idea how to deal with anything that comes with adulthood. I hope motherhood helps her through all of these feelings she has. I thinks he is really unhappy, too and I hope so much that this baby is the missing piece that makes her feel whole and stop worrying about being the best and the favorite