VENTING!!! Thread, all comments welcome

[Bekah78]

My sis did this to me.... I'm only in touch with one of my sisters due to religious differences. She would send me pics of my identical twins babies and as they grew up. I didn't need it rubbing in my face that my twin had no issues with fertility whilst years down the line we were still childless. She didn't get why it would be upsetting. Because they looked like her, and thus like me, it was like a "look at what you could have had" type situation. So insensitive.

 

[2ducks]

I too have learned there is no fairness when it comes to who gets to have kids and who does not. My best friend is in her third trimester and the last time I saw her complained over and over again about how much she hates being pregnant and I kept thinking what I would give to trade places with her, I can be 7 months pregnant and she can be struggling to conceive.

Here is my vent session-I get really frustrated when women who have NEVER posted on BNB come just to tell everyone that they are pregnant. I mean, I get that you are thrilled but that is kind of rubbing it in everyone's face when you have not contributed here or offered support to others. I also hate it when women create accounts and type something like "my boobs hurt and I have liquid coming out of my nipples, am I pregnant?" How the heck are we supposed to know if you are pregnant??? Take a test or go see a doctor. It is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and I just ignore those posts even though I really want to jump in and tell those people off, anyway, I digress...

What we can do is continue to think positively and continue to support one another. Plus there are so many wonderful women on this board to rely on for emotional support. I am not religious but I always appreciate your prayers for others, it means a lot.

Your friend is insensitive ( if she doesn't know your struggle) why act like that in front of you ?? ugh....
I hate that my family knows my struggle and yet they call me to say so and so is pregnant its like wow good for them, then they ask something stupid like wow when are you and hubby gonna have a baby
I'm thinking shut up..

I know what you mean about some of the ladies on here who just want to brag , like this one who shows her belly and says I might be preg but not sure ... dude if your belly is growing and you haven't gotten your period what do you think!!!

However I do love when women make their post and we all go on a journey together and come to find out they or someone is preg, your alittle jealous but happy for them

I get very excited for other women on BnB who are supportive of others when they get their BFP. It is like a journey together and I like being updated on everyone's progress.

 

[jalilma]

Yes I will be the pregant person who responds. No I have never had the struggles that you have all had. However I know people who have had issues and who are ltttc. Reading what you have all written def. Have me a different perspective on things and will make me more aware of my actions and things I say because I would never want to come off to my friend as insensitive. I have said things in passing that may have been taken the wrong way by her that I totally would have never even thought would. This is my best friend we are talking about... I'm not sure how to keep her involved in this aspect of my life without making her feel badly about it being me and not her. I do sincerely hope you all get those bfps soon and thank you guys so much for opening my eyes up a bit... And please understand I'm sure most people don't mean to seem uncaring or gloating... Some of us just don't know what or how to go about talking about pregnancy in a way that keeps a ltttc ladies feelings in mind.

 

[Mrs. Atole]

I too have learned there is no fairness when it comes to who gets to have kids and who does not. My best friend is in her third trimester and the last time I saw her complained over and over again about how much she hates being pregnant and I kept thinking what I would give to trade places with her, I can be 7 months pregnant and she can be struggling to conceive.

Here is my vent session-I get really frustrated when women who have NEVER posted on BNB come just to tell everyone that they are pregnant. I mean, I get that you are thrilled but that is kind of rubbing it in everyone's face when you have not contributed here or offered support to others. I also hate it when women create accounts and type something like "my boobs hurt and I have liquid coming out of my nipples, am I pregnant?" How the heck are we supposed to know if you are pregnant??? Take a test or go see a doctor. It is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and I just ignore those posts even though I really want to jump in and tell those people off, anyway, I digress...

What we can do is continue to think positively and continue to support one another. Plus there are so many wonderful women on this board to rely on for emotional support. I am not religious but I always appreciate your prayers for others, it means a lot.

Your friend is insensitive ( if she doesn't know your struggle) why act like that in front of you ?? ugh....
I hate that my family knows my struggle and yet they call me to say so and so is pregnant its like wow good for them, then they ask something stupid like wow when are you and hubby gonna have a baby
I'm thinking shut up..

I know what you mean about some of the ladies on here who just want to brag , like this one who shows her belly and says I might be preg but not sure ... dude if your belly is growing and you haven't gotten your period what do you think!!!

However I do love when women make their post and we all go on a journey together and come to find out they or someone is preg, your alittle jealous but happy for them

I get very excited for other women on BnB who are supportive of others when they get their BFP. It is like a journey together and I like being updated on everyone's progress.

I agree, i am happy for them but i don't appreciate when they make a thread just to say i'm preg ( ok but who are you? whats your story ? )

 

[Mrs. Atole]

My sis did this to me.... I'm only in touch with one of my sisters due to religious differences. She would send me pics of my identical twins babies and as they grew up. I didn't need it rubbing in my face that my twin had no issues with fertility whilst years down the line we were still childless. She didn't get why it would be upsetting. Because they looked like her, and thus like me, it was like a "look at what you could have had" type situation. So insensitive.

I'm sorry, you just have to excuse her ignorance, if you have spoken to her about your feelings and she still doesn't understand then i would just pray for her .

 

[Mrs. Atole]

Yes I will be the pregant person who responds. No I have never had the struggles that you have all had. However I know people who have had issues and who are ltttc. Reading what you have all written def. Have me a different perspective on things and will make me more aware of my actions and things I say because I would never want to come off to my friend as insensitive. I have said things in passing that may have been taken the wrong way by her that I totally would have never even thought would. This is my best friend we are talking about... I'm not sure how to keep her involved in this aspect of my life without making her feel badly about it being me and not her. I do sincerely hope you all get those bfps soon and thank you guys so much for opening my eyes up a bit... And please understand I'm sure most people don't mean to seem uncaring or gloating... Some of us just don't know what or how to go about talking about pregnancy in a way that keeps a ltttc ladies feelings in mind.

Hi
I am so glad to hear you understand and yes you are right some people don't understand or don't know the struggle but my frustration is when 1 -2 years later they don't see me preg and still ask you'd think they'd get it by now there's a problem. unless they've heard from my mouth " i don't want kids" then i get it. ( talking family/Friends )

As for your friend i would gently direct her to a website like this, i am so glad i found this forum it makes the struggle a little easier. Also Thank you for your kind words and i pray you have a health beautiful baby

 

[KatO79]

Bekah I'm so sorry that your sister was like that, that's just horrible Unfortunately some will just never understand infertility

2ducks that's so true although I do admit I often answer posts like that. I don't know why these women think we're experts and would be able to tell them based on symptoms. So sorry about your friend, have you tried telling her that you're having issues with conceiving and am not the best person for her to vent to? That you find it hurtful and that there are women that TTC for years and years that would love to be in her shoes?

jalilma I think it's wonderful you want to be sensitive to your LTTTC friend while you're pregnant I would definitely not complain to her about your pregnancy, that's just a red flag to any LTTTCer and best suited for your friends that have had an easy time getting pregnant. Also maybe not talk too much about it unless she's asking about it herself? I'm sure she's like most LTTTCers: she's able to be happy for you while still feeling sad that it isn't happening for her. I've found a couple of articles on what not to do in any case:

https://www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

https://www.resolve.org/national-in...t-to-say.html?referrer=https://www.google.dk/

I think the most important thing is to let her know you're there for her whenever she needs support and needs to talk about it.

 

[IchigoMewMew]

Hi ladies, hope you don't mind me joining. In tww of cycle 8 and getting frustrated with the uncertainty. Could get a bfp next weekend...could be infertile....could be anything in between! Timing wasn't great this month though, DH was away at a conference for most of my fertile days :/

 

[Bekah78]

KATO79 I think that's the perfect way to be with someone ltttc. I was so happy for my best friend who fell pregnant so easily, but felt sad it wasnt happening for me. I did once say to her when we chatted that I would never wish what we were going through on anyone. She was good about it though, she never complained about her pregnancy issues and it wasn't the only topic of conversation for 9 months.
I've pointed a few people to this forum who have since come forward and told me about their fertility issues. I've been very open since announcing our BFP about the journey we had getting to this point. I think infertility can be a very lonely place if don't know others who are going through it too.

 

[Bekah78]

Hi ladies, hope you don't mind me joining. In tww of cycle 8 and getting frustrated with the uncertainty. Could get a bfp next weekend...could be infertile....could be anything in between! Timing wasn't great this month though, DH was away at a conference for most of my fertile days :/

Welcome. You're still in the normal range for pregnancy so don't worry about infertility just yet. Drs wouldn't even consider investigating until you've been trying for a year. Don't forget that we only get 12 chances a year, assuming we release an egg each time and even then there's a short window for fertilisation so very easy to miss it. Sending you baby dust!

 

[IchigoMewMew]

Thanks I know up to a year is alright but just getting closer than I imagined we would! All the years you're told not to miss a pill or else......

 

[Bekah78]

Don't think anyone thinks about how long it could take. Everyone I knew fell pregnant accidentally or first month of trying so came as a surprise to us too but when looked into it more it's actually perfectly normal.

 

[Mrs. Atole]

Hi ladies, hope you don't mind me joining. In tww of cycle 8 and getting frustrated with the uncertainty. Could get a bfp next weekend...could be infertile....could be anything in between! Timing wasn't great this month though, DH was away at a conference for most of my fertile days :/

Welcome !!
Hopefully you get your BFP remember to stay positive it's hard but we need too.

 

[KatO79]

KATO79 I think that's the perfect way to be with someone ltttc. I was so happy for my best friend who fell pregnant so easily, but felt sad it wasnt happening for me. I did once say to her when we chatted that I would never wish what we were going through on anyone. She was good about it though, she never complained about her pregnancy issues and it wasn't the only topic of conversation for 9 months.
I've pointed a few people to this forum who have since come forward and told me about their fertility issues. I've been very open since announcing our BFP about the journey we had getting to this point. I think infertility can be a very lonely place if don't know others who are going through it too.

So glad your friend was so great about it

I've also been pretty open to people I know well about it. Although to mixed reactions.

My narcissistic siblings (I come from a very toxic and dysfunctional family), all older than me and they were so much older we weren't even raised together (we all have different fathers), have been horrible about it. My toxic older brother went through infertility with his enabler wife that worships him (they tried for 5 years and went through numerous IVFs), he has been completely unsupportive and been a total jerk about it. That and his constant put downs mean we haven't really spoken in almost 2 years and any contact we've had has been unpleasant since he constantly is condescending and puts me down. My toxic older sister is similiar. Every time I've set boundaries for their behavior, both concerning my infertility but also in general, they've gotten angry about it and tried to make me feel like I'm the one in the wrong. My toxic mother has been awful as well, she went from trying to get me to not TTC (she feels children are a mistake and "not worth the effort you put into them") to fake supportive which was obvious by her reaction to my BFP earlier this month: she completely ignored it, didn't even say congratulations to me and even said something with "... when you get pregnant."

My in-laws have been difficult as well since they have 0 understanding of infertility. My MIL was very fertile and conceived her 3 sons easily (my DH is the middle child). I can't count the number of times my MIL would tell me the old "just relax and it'll happen" bit, especially after we were diagnosed unexplained. I think they still fail to understand that unexplained doesn't mean nothing is wrong, just that they can't find the cause. I've given them a few pamphlets on infertility but I don't think they've read them

One of my DH's friend's girlfriend who has 2 kids from a previous relationship was also awful about it. I remember at a Christmas luncheon we held last year that she kept saying because 2 of her friends had Oing issues that that must be the reason I was having problems conceiving. I told her that my RE said that that was definitely not the issue but she kept on harping about it and acting like she was some infertility expert I ended up changing the subject because I was about to take a frying pan and smack her on the head with it I of course wouldn't do it, just had an urge to for a split second

One of my friends is pretty understanding about it now but she's so busy with her studies and especially her new boyfriend that she's not been very available for talking about it. She doesn't even know I got a BFP on the 5th even though we told her the date of my beta and she's never asked how it went.

So yeah, it's pretty lonely when you have no one to talk about it with. I've only had DH and the ladies on BnB to talk to about it.

 

[2ducks]

KAT079, wow, what a story! I am so happy that you finally got your BFP after such a long struggle.

 

[Bekah78]

That's rough KAT079. Why can't they just keep their mouths shut of don't have anything nice to say. I don't have anything to do with most of my family. Think we've chatted before on a different thread about families.

Thank goodness we get to choose our friends hey.

 

[KatO79]

That's rough KAT079. Why can't they just keep their mouths shut of don't have anything nice to say. I don't have anything to do with most of my family. Think we've chatted before on a different thread about families.

Thank goodness we get to choose our friends hey.

If I'm completely honest, I highly suspect my toxic family members suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (everything they say and do just seems to fit so perfectly in everything I've read about it). So they feel they have the right to say (and do) whatever they want and actually delight in hurting me (people with this disorder are also known as emotional vampires). They're trying to make me break emotionally and mentally and keep me as a willing receptacle of abuse. I'm the family scapegoat that they want to blame all the dysfunction on me despite me being the youngest of the siblings. I've tried setting boundaries in polite fashions to no avail, they don't want to discuss things like normal people, they just want me to shut up and take whatever they dish out. Any attempts have always resulted in further emotional abuse e.g. put downs or silent treatments for months on end. I'm currently in the process of emotionally disengaging from them and have unfollowed their posts on FB plus put them all on my restricted list so they can't see my updates anymore.

The only solution is either going low contact or no contact. Unfortunately my siblngs are so bad (especially my brother who I've had the most to do with) I'm planning on going no contact shortly after I have my baby since I don't need the stress before that. I just don't need my child to be exposed to that kind of dysfunction and toxicity! Plus they may very well try and make my kid the next family scapegoat which ain't gonna happen and/or even turn my child against me

So true! I'm so thankful for DH and his more normal family, so refreshing and much healthier for me and my future child.

 

[Bekah78]

Sounds like you're best parting company with them. It's probably adding to your stress levels which won't be helping your ttc journey.

There was a thread on here a few months back asking if people had cut off contact from family. I was amazed at how many other people had. You don't need that level of toxic in your life.

 

[2ducks]

My mom has cut off relations with her siblings. SHe is the oldest and is the scapegoat for their problems. It took her a long time, like when she was in her 50s to finally make the cut. She still feels sad about it but knows that with the drinking and other issues that go on she will never have the relationship she want. I choose not to contact any of my aunts or uncles, just easier that way plus I don't like the way they have treated my mom. Many people have cut off ties with their families or have limited contact. Its more common than you would think. At least now you know the kind of environment you don't want your child to grow up in. Unfortunately your nieces and nephews may end up equally dysfunctional.

 

[KatO79]

Sounds like you're best parting company with them. It's probably adding to your stress levels which won't be helping your ttc journey.

There was a thread on here a few months back asking if people had cut off contact from family. I was amazed at how many other people had. You don't need that level of toxic in your life.

Yeah it took me longer to see my brother is as toxic, maybe even more so, than our toxic mother. He's just so condescending and filled with contempt for me. I never talk to him the way he talks to me yet he finds it appropriate to constantly tell me I'm selfish, childish ect. Seems he's probably added to the problematic relationship I have with my toxic sister as I only first really had contact with her from 2010 and he'd already been in contact with her for a couple of years (they live in states close by). I've given up, I tried to get my brother to see I'm not so bad but he refuses to, can't force him and I can't keep pushing for him to realise it, this personality disorder makes that impossible.

Oh I never noticed that thread

My mom has cut off relations with her siblings. SHe is the oldest and is the scapegoat for their problems. It took her a long time, like when she was in her 50s to finally make the cut. She still feels sad about it but knows that with the drinking and other issues that go on she will never have the relationship she want. I choose not to contact any of my aunts or uncles, just easier that way plus I don't like the way they have treated my mom. Many people have cut off ties with their families or have limited contact. Its more common than you would think. At least now you know the kind of environment you don't want your child to grow up in. Unfortunately your nieces and nephews may end up equally dysfunctional.

So sorry your mother has been through something similiar, to her. I understand it though because you so want to try and have a good relationship with your siblings and because it's family, you go the extra miles. I really wanted that since our mother was and is so toxic but it's not going to ever work that way

Yep I so know that! I just wish that it hadn't come at such a high cost since having been emotionally abused from childhood has given me certain psychological scars and issues.

The fact that my nieces and nephews may go the same way is sad, I do have some slight hope maybe 1 will somehow not end up with this disorder and manage to be as mentally healthy as you can be having had 1 parent with this disorder. I do have some hope for my brother's daughter. My sister's kids well I've only met her daughter and that was for a couple of days back in 2010 when DH and I were in the US, her son I've never met (wasn't invited to his Christening in 2012) so not sure about them.