Visiting once the baby's born

[Sarah_]

Hi,

I am popping in from the 3rd tri, my little one is due in about 4 weeks. I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed about the amount of people wanting to visit. I just wondered if anybody had any tips on how to deal with family and friends wanting to visit?

I do not want to offend anybody, but I would really like to get to spend some time with the OH just getting used to being parents!

Thanks
Sarah

 

[apaton]

i just asked people to phone first before they came round, and also made sure everyone knew i wanted as much time as posible with me , oh and baby before oh went back to work , seemed to have worked ok , good luck

 

[binxyboo]

I told people that it was immediate family only at the hospital, and when I got home I actually had visiting hours.
I also asked people not to just turn up on my door and to give me a call first.

 

[Sarah_]

Thanks for your replies, I like the idea of visiting hours.

 

[carly_mummy2b]

I told everybody to call ahead and let me know a day and time and stick to it so i was prepared, and if anybody just turned up out of the blue i sent my OH to the door to send them away it sounds harsh but those first few weeks are precious you dont want to waste them entertaining other people x

 

[special_kala]

We gave everyone visiting times and made sure they knew someone else was coming after them so they wouldnt hang around all day

 

[chubbymonkey2]

I wish i had thought of visiting times, i hated all the people coming, mainly oh family, they came at tea time and mostly turned up late, i was so fed up, my oh would not say no to anyone, think he got the message when i complained infront of him to my parents about all the visitors and how some of them stayed for ages. You need to be firm and if you don't feel like visitors say no to them.

 

[3011busyyear]

Our next baby I will be saying no visitors for a week after we get home!
We had visitors every weekend for the first 6weeks, hubby's family are 200miles away so when they came they stayed with us, it was horrible.
The lack of time on our own in addition to my horrible birth experience is why I think bf didn't work for us.

 

[Sarah_]

Thanks again for the replies.

I think I am going have visiting hours where I can. I know I am not going to be in the mood to cook for people and have people staying for hours on end. Especially after all the sleepless nights!

Sarah

 

[dovehouse]

so wish i would have had more sense to say no.....my in laws came and stayed for ages one day...literally from first thing in morning till about 10pm at night, in our flat....was hideous....next time will be saying they can only come during certain hours!!!
x

 

[stardust599]

I wish I'd had the sense too. Macy was up all night for the first 3 weeks and I had to entertain visitors all day as well, I have never been so exhausted in my life and I think it contributed to my PND. Next time I will say no unless invited or I will tell people they can pop in for 10mins. (That's if there is a next time haha!)

I really struggled with BF too and couldn't get Macy to latch and with a million visitors in the house when she was crying and my MIL etc. encouraging me to give her 1 bottle of formula I caved and BF didn't work out for me.

I will know much much better next time xx

 

[XfairyhopesX]

Me and my friend due roughly same time had this exact talk before they were born hers was the germs / diff people not washing hands / coughing etc mine was just the door going every 5 mins while trying to bond and where to put all the stuuf you get bought. Because mine was quite a traumic time em section etc and i had pre eclampsia and amemia i didnt have anyone until about 2 weeks after and i had them v vsteadily, lit 1 couple a day etc, and only slet then stay a short while. Its not as bad as you think tbh, but i worried about this too xxxx

 

[Odd Socks]

I wish I'd said no visitors for the first couple of weeks, at least. If I could do it again, I would, no matter who was offended.
xx

 

[New Mrs W]

I sent a text to people announcing his birth and at the end added that I would be in touch to arrange a suitable time to visit. That placed the ball well and truly in my court and meant that I could arrange visits that suited us. Although we literally had a visitor every day for 7 weeks!! But it was on my terms and we never had more than one visitor at a time or more than two visitors per day. Good luck xx

 

[lozzy21]

Get them to ring first, that way if your tired you can ask them to come another day.

 

[katy1310]

I really wish I'd been firmer about visitors. We were inundated with visitors the entire time Sophie was in neonatal, but particularly the first couple of weeks - it almost felt like DH and I got no time together with her because we were only allowed 3 round the incubator at once and I really really regret that. Also when we got her home, we had so many visitors in the first couple of weeks and I wish we'd put a stop to that too. You're definitely doing the right thing thinking about it in advance! I hope you manage to get the time that you need as a family - good luck xxx

 

[Lyndz]

I just out and out told people i didn't want people at the hospital and i don't want everyone round at once, i don't want people just turning up and i don't want people round for hours on end. I will not be cooking and i will not be offering to fetch drinks. If you just turn up, you will not get in.

Put alot of peoples nose out of joint but we didn't care. Those first few weeks are so precious and you will never get them back, you need time to bond as a family, not entertaining.

 

[Sarah_]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am definitely having visiting hours and refusing to cook for everybody. There might be the odd exception but feel less mean for putting my foot down!

I spoke to the OH about it as well and he agrees that we should be a little firm with people. He has even offered to be the bad guy.

 

[Gemz01]

I felt the same before Ava was born but as soon as she cried she cleared the building so they never stayed very long anyway

 

[LankyDoodle]

I said no visitors for a couple of weeks. I was quite down and emotional after the birth and people broke that rule and no one really stood up and made it count for anything. On my day home from hospital, my husband said he wanted to take her for an hour to meet his mum - that hour was great as I'd been in some stage of labour for 4 days and not slept properly for 5 days. I wasn't that happy about it at the time, especially as I'd laid down this rule and they'd been the only ones to kick up a huge fuss about it, but it was better than her forcing her way into our home. My best friend came round when she was 4 days old and that was too much. I said she could pop in if she wished and she was here hours and when she held my baby she wouldn't give her back! I ended up upstairs crying because I didn't feel I could demand my baby back - I felt I was being unreasonable - and all I could see was my baby snuggled up on her chest! Then when she was 5 or 6 days old my family came down from Wales! At 2 weeks my brother and his gf came from London and stayed a few hours. Then a couple of friends with children came within a couple of days of each other (found that hard as on one of the times my baby was really worked up and I couldn't settle her, felt self-conscious about feeding in front of them, and the woman took her for a hold and baby calmed down straight away, upon which the room fell silent :'( ).

Anyway, what I knew before I had my baby and what was reaffirmed during these visits which seemed forced on me and went on for hours at a time, was that people come and are only interested in the baby, not mum and definitely not dad! They aren't interested in helping with anything and they just want you to wait on them as you would normally! My mum, gran, brother and his partner came and my husband did a bbq for them!! My mum jumped in my seat on the sofa which I had set up for breastfeeding and thenmoaned when I asked to sit back there! No one ONCE offered to make ME a drink or something to eat; most of them waited expectantly for me to wait on them and I was glad to get rid of them. I think it is pretty intrusive to come into a new family's home days after the birth of a baby and stay for 4 or 5 hours!

Next time there will be NO visitors. If I had not had such an emotionally and physically exhausting time this time (what with it being first baby too), I'd have felt strong enough to stand my ground on rules I made before my baby was born. My husband weakened and didn't stand up for those 'rules' and next time he is going to have to because I am NOT entertaining people again. I will be doing what the HV at my antenatal class said to do, and that is to do a pre-recorded answerphone message ('mum and baby doing well, settling in at home, we will let you know when we are ready for visitors bla bla bla'; a note on the door 'please do not disturb - new baby' or something like that; a facebook announcement and make clear when visitors will be welcome). Having said all of that; I was rather lucky in that my in-laws respected my wish not to have them here every day (they didn't come at all haha!) and my mum lives in Wales so it wasn't an issue. Once people had seen her once, that was that and we spent some lovely time as a family going out and about.

I would recommend any new mum does not have visitors who are not extremely close (I am not close to my mum) for at LEAST a week after the birth. This is bonding and recovery time for all of you as a new family. Visitors who come should be prepared to play by YOUR guidelines (ie, stay for an hour then GO!) and maybe be polite enough to make you a drink (but don't make that a rule haha!). It is so tiring in those days after the birth and to be honest I just didn't want to see people! Just say to people you know everyone is so keen to meet baby and you will let them know when you are recovered and ready for visitors. There may be some people you need to be firm with (for me it was my in-laws), but others will understand without you even saying anything, that you just want time alone as a family. I will actually go against what the majority would say, here, and say that I actually think hospital is underrated (my hospital was good anyway) as it protects you from all of these visitors who you feel you can't say no to, and you also get the rest you really WILL need.

Good luck with it! I think your due date is not long after mine was last year (April 20th) and my baby came on due date!