Waiting for Husband

[sheep150]

I know you probably get these threads all the time but i need a little bit of moral support

I'm 24 Hubby is 26
We got married in June and are a two income family with our own house and 2 cars

I've wanted a baby with this man since i was 16 (we've been together since i was 15) but the time has obviously not been right and i'm a practical girl so have been on birth control wince turning 16. However since we got married my broodiness has gone in to overdrive to the point that i just want to cry every time i see a pregnant women/ baby.

This is 1000% not helped by the fact that i'm a midwife and a lot of my colleagues are also pregnant/ ttc/ have kids.

The final problem is my husband wants to wait. But he's not really sure why he wants to wait just that he's not ready yet but he defo wants kids

I don't know what to do i'm trying not to nag but seriously struggling particularly in the last couple of months

sorry for the long post

 

[Flip flop]

Hi, didn't want to read and run. My situation is similar but slightly different. I already have a 4 year old DS but have been broody for another for 3 year and waiting for DH to agree all that time, he keeps agreeing then going back on it.

The only advice I can give is that the time will actually pass quite fast, when I think back the past 3 years has gone quite quickly. Oh and try not to put too much pressure on and make sure you listen to his reasons as that's important to him.

 

[sheep150]

Hi, didn't want to read and run. My situation is similar but slightly different. I already have a 4 year old DS but have been broody for another for 3 year and waiting for DH to agree all that time, he keeps agreeing then going back on it.

The only advice I can give is that the time will actually pass quite fast, when I think back the past 3 years has gone quite quickly. Oh and try not to put too much pressure on and make sure you listen to his reasons as that's important to him.

I'm trying to respect his reasons but one of the main issues is he doesn't really give me any reasons.

It first started off with I want to be more financially stable. So recently we sat down and did a budget and worked out that we are financially stable.

Now he says he's not ready and doesn't want a baby to take all his free time and that's it.

He says he wants a baby just not yet and that's not a lot to go on

 

[zooloochick21]

I know you guys have been together for a long time, so it seems like you have waited forever, but you're still young with loads of time.

I read this is someone else's post. Try asking him to committ to a date on which he will discuss when you can start trying. If you have a date to set a date, that's a more concrete "item" to look forward to. In the mean time, I would suggest looking into classes or programs that will enable you to enhance your midwifery skills or getting a pet. I know those ideas may sound lame, but they could help you pass the time.

Just an idea.

Good luck!

 

[swedengirl]

Hey!

Oh you are in the most frustrating place. I was there and it was hard. I think the hardest part is the answer of "I don't know" when you ask them why they are not feeling we are ready and what needs to be done to make them feel ready.

I actually asked him yesterday what made him decide that it was time to set a TTC date, and he explained it was just a feeling. He felt like we were working as a team and just felt like it was the right time.

I think you have to be careful not to nag and not to bring it up when you have spent days mulling it over in your head and you are frustrated. I think that starts the conversation quite negative. I also noticed I used a lot of "I's" when trying to bring him round and when you want something so badly it is easy to neglect that they have a right to think about this and feel ready.

I will say that I wish I could go back to myself and say take a big deep breath. The moment he says he is ready and you set a TTC date is the best feeling. And I wish I had spent more focus on that feeling of when he will tell me he is ready, then getting angry and frustrated he couldn't give me a clear answer of when.

I also have to agree with FlipFlop that when you look back the time has gone quickly!

I gave a more detailed account of this in the post titled Setting a TTC date? It might help you to talk to someone in a similar situation too.

 

[lou belle]

Hey sheep I can empathise to a degree. OH and I have been together a long time, we had a very surprise baby who is now 3. As soon as she was born I was broody and a bit obsessed with wanting to get pregnant again!!😅

I almost drove my OH mad.. we would fight about it, it was like pressing self destruct button. I just couldn't stop bringing it up!! I should add we were in no position to have another baby; financially, careers, OH wanted to get married first, no support. 1 baby was already a lot of pressure but my hormones were not listening! It was so hard but I had to just stop talking about it.. I'm also a midwife so it's impossible when you're surrounded by bumps and babies!

About 18 months ago, everything started to slowly fall into place. I got a full time midwifery position, my OH then got made permanent in his job, we got engaged, and then we were able to move back near our family. We are getting married this summer and will be trying to conceive after the wedding.

It still feels like forever away sometimes and there are days I could burst with the broodiness. I'm afraid to get too attached to the idea of having another baby just in case something changes and OH gets worried about the practicalities...

As regards your DH not feeling ready, my OH still wouldn't be ready to try if we hadn't had our surprise baby.. He wasn't in that place until he was actually a dad.

 

[sheep150]

Thanks guys for the comments

Unfortunately a pet isn't practical either well, not the pet we'd like sometime i think dogs take up more time than babies!!

over the last 24 hours I've actually managed to get a few straight answers from my OH.

He's willing to discuss baby's again once we've saved up enough to cover the drop in wages if i went on maternity leave, and he also wants to have genetic counselling prior to TTC. These are two things i feel will be possible to achieve around the time of our anniversary so I've promised not to bring up the subject again till June, however due to some increasingly annoying side effects of my BC i'm probably going to come off that shortly and revert back to the condom route. Not exactly sure how i'm going to cope with periods again it's been a good few years without them and I can't say they've been missed

 

[BSN2MOM]

Sorry you're going through this, I do believe most guys take longer to get on board with the idea of having a kid. I would really encourage you to be supportive of your DH's fears at this time because like others have said, not being on the same page with this can really hurt a relationship. AND as for coming off of BC... condoms can break ;P ! I should know... I was a broken condom baby!! LOL! However this was 27 years ago, and my parents were really young and probably bought the cheapest ones, and I'm not saying you should purposefully do anything to weaken the integrity of the condoms you use buuuuut it's just one thing that you should keep in the back of your mind !
Anywho, I hope you find the support you need here to get through this time!

 

[citrusfruit]

Hi, just wanted to reply although my situation and opinions are not quite the same. I am also WTT but for no. 2. My OH hasn't said he wants to wait, but is being very non committal. He spoke earlier about money, even though our finances are fine.

Here's the thing though. Having a baby is a BIG deal. You can't even imagine how big until you are there. And you are ready, as you have been for a long while but he obviously isn't. It's the same with my hubby. It's a big deal and he isn't quite there yet and it is probably nothing to do with money! But he felt he had to have a solid reason so that's what he said. As hard as it is, we've both got to be patient I'm afraid.

I really advise against any form of deception. It's too important that you are both ready.

 

[cutestuff]

I agree with citrus. I have been with my dh since I was 18 and I'm 32 now and our first is just over a year. We did absitenence and pull out and never even a hint. I will say that while is great you are stable and secure it does something to your relationship when you have a baby. It's important he's on board and even then screaming crying babies can end marriages it's hard work

 

[sheep150]

haha i'd never deceive him, i actually got brownie points the other day for pointing out that the condoms we own are out of date and should probably go in the bin. So yeah i'm stupidly practical and would never do anything to go behind my husbands back in that sense. It is however just extremely frustrating. He asked me the other day to look into getting a referral for genetic counselling, which I did but when the GP said they had an appointment that day he freaked out and went ahh maybe we'll go see the GP in a few months....

 

[Jettin]

My partner had very similar reactions to every big step in our relationship, like I knew I wanted to marry him a year before he came around to the idea of getting engaged. Part of what I love about him is that he is very cautious, but it is also what makes him resistant to change. I'm much more decisive and confident in being ready to be a mom. However, I want to wait until he is sure he won't resent me when he can't go out on his own or regret having a bunch of new home responsibilities early on in his career. While we are waiting, I focus on trying to be extra supportive of him doing all the stuff that will be put on hold by a baby, so that when the day comes he won't miss them as much.

 

[KailaB24]

Hi there! Your situation sounds very similar to ours.. We have been together since I was 17- him 19 & are now 25 and 27 and we got married in June 2014. I sort of started feeling the same way around the same time frame (24) because of things we checked off of our "to-do" list. We got married, have two dogs, house, cars, stable full time jobs, etc. however every time I would bring up kids he wouldn't want to have much of a conversation and would change the subject. There was also never a real reason as to why, just that he wasn't ready! He has always been the typical "I'm not even thinking about kids until I'm 30" type of guy.
It was so frustrating and had started to become a really touchy subject, especially with close friends and family getting pregnant.

I know it's not much of a help, but eventually I had to suck it up and change my way of thinking to realize that having kids is a two way street. We sat down and finally had a conversation where he was able to admit the same thing- that there should be some compromise. I didn't want to be a nagging wife and have him resent me, and I didn't think it was fair to say he had to be 30 with no discussion before then. From there on out, I didn't bring it up or talk about it unless he brought it up first.

A couple months ago after his brother and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy (via IVF) he admitted that he wouldn't mind starting this summer while we are on vacation..which has increasingly been a topic of conversation now almost every week!

I know it seems like a big deal now, but I couldn't be more happy that I gave him that time to figure out on his own when he was ready. It was almost like that took the pressure off and he could think about it over time without me breathing down his neck.