D
DiddyDons
Guest
Hiya, id like to share my story of my daughter Sophie and some pictures if you dont mind? its quite long so you will have to bare with me!
From the age of 15 I always had troubles with my body, I never had periods and when I did they were irregular. My first ever one was when I was 15 and then nothing again for 13months. They then became regular to me and arriving every 4months. I had various consultant appointments and tests done to see what the problem was..nothing came up. Maybe it was the stress I had dealt with through school and loosing my dad at the age of 13 took a bad toll on my body. I then met Sophies Daddy and being young decided to take precaution incase anything did happen so I went on to the pill. A year after being on the pill, decided to come off it to help get my body regulated for the first time in my life, that never happened though, I went a whole 2years without any sort of period or anything. I now do have reasons for the problems ive had regarding my AF’s and I got diagnosed with PCOS in Dec 2008
September 14th 2007 came and I began getting “strange” symptoms like feeling very emotional all the time, which isn’t me, my boobs had grown which I thought was a good sign as my body must have been kicking it self into action and I had various other “signs” that got me thinking, maybe just maybe I was pregnant? But surely I couldn’t have been as I never had a period and didn’t think I was ovulating and you cant get pregnant without this happening right? So I pushed it to the back of my mind. I started getting more symptoms and by the time October 4th 2007 came I kind of “knew” I was pregnant but thought “well of course I cant be, I haven’t had regular cycles and nothing for 2years” so I did a pregnancy test any ways just to satisfy my curiosity and rule pregnancy out.
I remember the day as if it was yesterday, me and my sister were shopping for the day and I went and bought two of the superdrugs own pregnancy tests and I was going to wait to test while my boyfriend was there but thought, “what the hell, I might as well go and do it now” so I went to the toilets In the shopping centre and did the test. I seen 2 lines almost immediately but thought that I was reading the test wrong, so wrapped it up and went outside to show my sister. She opened it up and there it was 2 very strong lines staring back at us. All we could do was laugh as we never thought I would get pregnant or at least untill my body had kicked into action. We phoned my mam straight away and she was very shocked but more in the sense that some how I had gotten pregnant.
Sophies dad finished work not long after and he came back to mine not knowing that I knew I was pregnant as he was already scared stiff incase I was so I was asking him questions like “what would you do if I was pregnant? Would you let me keep it etc?”
I did another test at home and showed him and all he could do was sit there in silence and when he did say something it was about not being ready to be a dad and he didn’t want to be a parent at the age of 20.
So anyways we made the appointment to see the doctor to confirm and had many other pregnancy tests done on the way and they too were all positive, I couldn’t believe it, I was going to be a mummy.
Her first scan appointment came through for the 13th November 2008 and I was so excited!! I remember the day as though it was yesterday. We walked into the ward ready for our appointment and hadn’t barely got the chance to tell the receptionist I had arrived till I got called for. Sophie’s daddy, Adam came in with me, holding my hand the whole way through. I was shaking so much. She did a few measurements and then turned the screen for us to see this perfectly formed baby with a tiny little heart beating away, I was overwhelmed with happiness and still in utter shock that I was actually pregnant! The sonographer put me at 13weeks +2days with me not knowing when I last ovulated. I left there feeling very reassured and in love with my baby more than ever. Nothing would come in between us, we had an indescribable bond.
SCAN PICTURE AT 13 + 2 DAYS!
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/9-1.jpg
Thats when all the morning sickness & tiredness kicked in!
I had a lot of stress through this pregnancy, for reasons that i will not get in to......i wanted my little angel more than anything, to care for her & love her no matter what..& i also thought it cud be my only chance with me not havin regular periods…i had some pretty hard times through my pregnancy...not medical just emotional....those were difficult times for both me, my boyfriend at the time & sophie!
Adam’s parents were unaware that I was pregnant and I had 5months of sneaking around and trying to cover up my much growing bump. They didn’t find out I was pregnant till 2weeks before she grew her wings. Looking back now I regret hiding her from them and from everyone as I never got to show her off in my belly or show her off for the world to see and it breaks my heart. His parents were shocked when we told them, but more shocked at the fact we had kept it from them for so long and they didn’t understand why we were so scared to tell them as they had been in the same situation when they were young.
My first kick off my precious little girl was at 17weeks gestation, I cant remember the first ever kick as such but I remember all the other kicks and punches I used to get, especially when I used to rest my laptop on her, she didn’t like it lol. I loved every single Kick and movement I got from my little girl and miss them times terribly as that was the only time I knew her alive and it was “our bonding time” .
I went through a couple more months of stress and then came the all important big scan. I was 20 weeks +3days (going by scan dates) again I remember the day as though it was yesterday and I remember walking nervously into the scan room, this time alone. I lay on the bed, shaking uncontrollably, it wasn’t for the reason that I thought the worst might have happened but more for the reason that I didn’t know what to expect. I sat there shaking and quiet for 20minutes while the sonographer did all the appropriate measurements of her brain, heart basically everything! She never said anything but walked out to go and get Adam. He came back in and she then went through everything with us, showing us her heartbeat J where she was lying and more importantly what sex she was. Unfortunately Sophie wasn’t ready to go telling us what she was, she wanted to keep it a surprise so a surprise it would be. But that didn’t matter she was growing & developing perfectly, what more could I ask for?
20WEEK SCAN
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/DSC00425-1.jpg
MY BABY BUMP AT ROUGHLY 23WEEK.
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/SL270103-1.jpg
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/SL270101-1.jpg
Four weeks later is when the night mare began! I had a busy night at work the 30th January and had some tightening in my stomach but nothing too much to worry about. I went home having finished work at 11.30 and went straight to bed. I woke up at 3am with terrible back pains but just thought that Sophie was lying on a nerve or in a funny position i persevered with it for sometime thinking she would move even though she was still kicking me! the pain seemed 2 subside a little bit so i decided to go back 2 bed at 5.30 am...lying down only made it worse so i got up & phoned the midwife, she asked if id felt the baby move..which i had & if i was bleeding or not..which i wasnt so she asked me 2 go straight up, this was at 6am. we arrived at 6.20 & i was sent into the 1st room you walk by to get examined...it was only when i arrived there that i thought i was in labour...but you don’t think your in labour when your only 24weeks pregnant do you?....so i got examined & was told i was fully dilated. I just burst into tears & next thing i knew there were doctors & neo-natal doctors everywhere..i was so scared. They did an ultrasound to check on Sophie & she was still alive but her heart rate was getting very low she was also breech which made it harder to deliver her! they put the Doppler on me to check on her heartbeat & then the doctor who delivered her came in & broke my waters...around about 7.10am...i remember the pain being so excruatating as i had no pain relief & i was just crying so much as i thought she still might’ve had a chance with her just been inside the viable stage... butdeep down i knew i was gunna lose her! & i was in a state of shock & my head was all over the place i started worrying bout my self , i thought going in to labour that early that something might have happened to me, as you dont know what to expect....
I started pushing & Sophies heart beat was getting slower & slower so they took the doppler off as they knew she wasnt gunna make it but i still thought she was alive... her feet came first & i think that is when she passed away. I just couldn’t believe she was still alive right up untill i started pushing, she was so strong....i was later told that it was a sudden cut off & she was in no pain, which is a big comfort!
I delivered her at 7.33 am...& i still thought she was alive...the doctors worked on her but it was too late, she'd already grown her angel wings...at 1st i was in so much shock i didnt wanna see her but they brought her over & said "do you want to have a hold of HER?" ..."Her?" I replied in complete shock...I’d gotten the little girl i dreamed & prayed for.
I was sooo happy i had a little girl to call my own but i was heartbroken id lost the most precious thing in the world..ill never get to see her cry, here her laugh, I never saw her beautiful eyes & ill never see her grown up...she looked just like me...she had my nose & my fingers & me & her dad used to joke on that we didnt want the baby or nutmeg as we referred to her in my tummy to have his nose...so we joked that we were happy she never!
Her dad then arrived 10mins after the birth & we both burst into tears as soon as we saw each other, as he had warmed to the idea & was really looking forward to the prospect of becoming a father...he didnt want to know what i had given birth to as he was afraid if she was a boy he'd b more devastated than he already was, although it didnt matter just as long as we had a screaming baby https://www.sandsforum.org/images/smilies/k030.gif…
She then got took away to get weighed & measured & came back soon after in a lovely little pink outfit & tiny moses basket...she looked so peaceful! she weighed in at 1lb 5.5 oz & 12.5 inches long....she had her daddy’s height!
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/DSC00452.jpg
I never held her again..i could have if i wanted but i felt like i was disturbing her. her dad on the other hand didnt hold her at all as he was in such a state, he knew too he'd never be able to give her up. we talked to her & kissed her & held her tiny but perfect hands & all the family came to see what a beautiful angel i had given birth too...I know she’s up there watching down on me & her dad with her granddad.
We took about 30 photos of her but never thought of taking any of the tree of us or any of Sophie with anyone else….we just weren’t in the right frame of mind! I deeply regret that now and I regret not holding her again….
At about 5pm that evening we got ready to go and to say our goodbyes That was the hardest thing I ever had to do…leave her in there and walk away from her! Both me and Adam were sobbing so hard! I kissed her loads and told her how much I loved her and Adam gave her a kiss aswell….
Walking along that hospital corridor was hard, Adam was having to hold me up…I was so heartbroken! i can honestly say i have never cried so much as i did then....it was the hardest thing we have both ever had to do leaving her when we should have been carrying her home in our arms. no one should ever had to go through that, I would never wish it upon anyone & i hope i never feel pain like it again.
We had her funeral 2 weeks later, it was a lovely service! She was cremated and we had placed 3 photos of us in with her, aswell as a letter, a blanket and a cuddly toy so she wasn’t alone! We later found out that her was no reason i lost Sophie, i just went in to pre term labour...she was healthy & everything was developing correctly & she was growing perfectly for the age she was...she was perfect! there was no sign of infection or anything!
Its comforting & upsetting at the same time as i feel its not a real or good enough reason 4 me 2 lose her but it comforts me that she was in no pain & she was healthy & well PERFECT! I will get alot more check ups & scans if i ever have another baby!
Its now been a year for Sophie….Its been hard re-living things that should have been and ive been living a nightmare not having her here! She was totally unplanned and unexpected, but I wouldn’t change it for the world! I miss her so much, it physically hurts! I am a much stronger person that I used to be and I have Sophie to thank for that! Me and her daddy have been through some tough times, but having a daughter has brought us together & at the end of it all and we are as strong as ever! I don’t know where id be without him!
I don’t cry so much for Sophie anymore….she always in my thoughts and my room is like a shrine for her….I guess now, im just more happy than sad! Im proud that I have such a beautiful daughter and I smile more when I think of her! She made me a mummy and we will always have that bond that no one will ever break!
https://remembranceticker.tickershack.com/tickers/yxvte72lepr0z4bv.png
From the age of 15 I always had troubles with my body, I never had periods and when I did they were irregular. My first ever one was when I was 15 and then nothing again for 13months. They then became regular to me and arriving every 4months. I had various consultant appointments and tests done to see what the problem was..nothing came up. Maybe it was the stress I had dealt with through school and loosing my dad at the age of 13 took a bad toll on my body. I then met Sophies Daddy and being young decided to take precaution incase anything did happen so I went on to the pill. A year after being on the pill, decided to come off it to help get my body regulated for the first time in my life, that never happened though, I went a whole 2years without any sort of period or anything. I now do have reasons for the problems ive had regarding my AF’s and I got diagnosed with PCOS in Dec 2008
September 14th 2007 came and I began getting “strange” symptoms like feeling very emotional all the time, which isn’t me, my boobs had grown which I thought was a good sign as my body must have been kicking it self into action and I had various other “signs” that got me thinking, maybe just maybe I was pregnant? But surely I couldn’t have been as I never had a period and didn’t think I was ovulating and you cant get pregnant without this happening right? So I pushed it to the back of my mind. I started getting more symptoms and by the time October 4th 2007 came I kind of “knew” I was pregnant but thought “well of course I cant be, I haven’t had regular cycles and nothing for 2years” so I did a pregnancy test any ways just to satisfy my curiosity and rule pregnancy out.
I remember the day as if it was yesterday, me and my sister were shopping for the day and I went and bought two of the superdrugs own pregnancy tests and I was going to wait to test while my boyfriend was there but thought, “what the hell, I might as well go and do it now” so I went to the toilets In the shopping centre and did the test. I seen 2 lines almost immediately but thought that I was reading the test wrong, so wrapped it up and went outside to show my sister. She opened it up and there it was 2 very strong lines staring back at us. All we could do was laugh as we never thought I would get pregnant or at least untill my body had kicked into action. We phoned my mam straight away and she was very shocked but more in the sense that some how I had gotten pregnant.
Sophies dad finished work not long after and he came back to mine not knowing that I knew I was pregnant as he was already scared stiff incase I was so I was asking him questions like “what would you do if I was pregnant? Would you let me keep it etc?”
I did another test at home and showed him and all he could do was sit there in silence and when he did say something it was about not being ready to be a dad and he didn’t want to be a parent at the age of 20.
So anyways we made the appointment to see the doctor to confirm and had many other pregnancy tests done on the way and they too were all positive, I couldn’t believe it, I was going to be a mummy.
Her first scan appointment came through for the 13th November 2008 and I was so excited!! I remember the day as though it was yesterday. We walked into the ward ready for our appointment and hadn’t barely got the chance to tell the receptionist I had arrived till I got called for. Sophie’s daddy, Adam came in with me, holding my hand the whole way through. I was shaking so much. She did a few measurements and then turned the screen for us to see this perfectly formed baby with a tiny little heart beating away, I was overwhelmed with happiness and still in utter shock that I was actually pregnant! The sonographer put me at 13weeks +2days with me not knowing when I last ovulated. I left there feeling very reassured and in love with my baby more than ever. Nothing would come in between us, we had an indescribable bond.
SCAN PICTURE AT 13 + 2 DAYS!
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/9-1.jpg
Thats when all the morning sickness & tiredness kicked in!
I had a lot of stress through this pregnancy, for reasons that i will not get in to......i wanted my little angel more than anything, to care for her & love her no matter what..& i also thought it cud be my only chance with me not havin regular periods…i had some pretty hard times through my pregnancy...not medical just emotional....those were difficult times for both me, my boyfriend at the time & sophie!
Adam’s parents were unaware that I was pregnant and I had 5months of sneaking around and trying to cover up my much growing bump. They didn’t find out I was pregnant till 2weeks before she grew her wings. Looking back now I regret hiding her from them and from everyone as I never got to show her off in my belly or show her off for the world to see and it breaks my heart. His parents were shocked when we told them, but more shocked at the fact we had kept it from them for so long and they didn’t understand why we were so scared to tell them as they had been in the same situation when they were young.
My first kick off my precious little girl was at 17weeks gestation, I cant remember the first ever kick as such but I remember all the other kicks and punches I used to get, especially when I used to rest my laptop on her, she didn’t like it lol. I loved every single Kick and movement I got from my little girl and miss them times terribly as that was the only time I knew her alive and it was “our bonding time” .
I went through a couple more months of stress and then came the all important big scan. I was 20 weeks +3days (going by scan dates) again I remember the day as though it was yesterday and I remember walking nervously into the scan room, this time alone. I lay on the bed, shaking uncontrollably, it wasn’t for the reason that I thought the worst might have happened but more for the reason that I didn’t know what to expect. I sat there shaking and quiet for 20minutes while the sonographer did all the appropriate measurements of her brain, heart basically everything! She never said anything but walked out to go and get Adam. He came back in and she then went through everything with us, showing us her heartbeat J where she was lying and more importantly what sex she was. Unfortunately Sophie wasn’t ready to go telling us what she was, she wanted to keep it a surprise so a surprise it would be. But that didn’t matter she was growing & developing perfectly, what more could I ask for?
20WEEK SCAN
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/DSC00425-1.jpg
MY BABY BUMP AT ROUGHLY 23WEEK.
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/SL270103-1.jpg
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/SL270101-1.jpg
https://remembranceticker.tickershack.com/tickers/w5yj7w77ka8z8c1r.png
Four weeks later is when the night mare began! I had a busy night at work the 30th January and had some tightening in my stomach but nothing too much to worry about. I went home having finished work at 11.30 and went straight to bed. I woke up at 3am with terrible back pains but just thought that Sophie was lying on a nerve or in a funny position i persevered with it for sometime thinking she would move even though she was still kicking me! the pain seemed 2 subside a little bit so i decided to go back 2 bed at 5.30 am...lying down only made it worse so i got up & phoned the midwife, she asked if id felt the baby move..which i had & if i was bleeding or not..which i wasnt so she asked me 2 go straight up, this was at 6am. we arrived at 6.20 & i was sent into the 1st room you walk by to get examined...it was only when i arrived there that i thought i was in labour...but you don’t think your in labour when your only 24weeks pregnant do you?....so i got examined & was told i was fully dilated. I just burst into tears & next thing i knew there were doctors & neo-natal doctors everywhere..i was so scared. They did an ultrasound to check on Sophie & she was still alive but her heart rate was getting very low she was also breech which made it harder to deliver her! they put the Doppler on me to check on her heartbeat & then the doctor who delivered her came in & broke my waters...around about 7.10am...i remember the pain being so excruatating as i had no pain relief & i was just crying so much as i thought she still might’ve had a chance with her just been inside the viable stage... butdeep down i knew i was gunna lose her! & i was in a state of shock & my head was all over the place i started worrying bout my self , i thought going in to labour that early that something might have happened to me, as you dont know what to expect....
I started pushing & Sophies heart beat was getting slower & slower so they took the doppler off as they knew she wasnt gunna make it but i still thought she was alive... her feet came first & i think that is when she passed away. I just couldn’t believe she was still alive right up untill i started pushing, she was so strong....i was later told that it was a sudden cut off & she was in no pain, which is a big comfort!
I delivered her at 7.33 am...& i still thought she was alive...the doctors worked on her but it was too late, she'd already grown her angel wings...at 1st i was in so much shock i didnt wanna see her but they brought her over & said "do you want to have a hold of HER?" ..."Her?" I replied in complete shock...I’d gotten the little girl i dreamed & prayed for.
I was sooo happy i had a little girl to call my own but i was heartbroken id lost the most precious thing in the world..ill never get to see her cry, here her laugh, I never saw her beautiful eyes & ill never see her grown up...she looked just like me...she had my nose & my fingers & me & her dad used to joke on that we didnt want the baby or nutmeg as we referred to her in my tummy to have his nose...so we joked that we were happy she never!
Her dad then arrived 10mins after the birth & we both burst into tears as soon as we saw each other, as he had warmed to the idea & was really looking forward to the prospect of becoming a father...he didnt want to know what i had given birth to as he was afraid if she was a boy he'd b more devastated than he already was, although it didnt matter just as long as we had a screaming baby https://www.sandsforum.org/images/smilies/k030.gif…
She then got took away to get weighed & measured & came back soon after in a lovely little pink outfit & tiny moses basket...she looked so peaceful! she weighed in at 1lb 5.5 oz & 12.5 inches long....she had her daddy’s height!
https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/DSC00452.jpg
I never held her again..i could have if i wanted but i felt like i was disturbing her. her dad on the other hand didnt hold her at all as he was in such a state, he knew too he'd never be able to give her up. we talked to her & kissed her & held her tiny but perfect hands & all the family came to see what a beautiful angel i had given birth too...I know she’s up there watching down on me & her dad with her granddad.
We took about 30 photos of her but never thought of taking any of the tree of us or any of Sophie with anyone else….we just weren’t in the right frame of mind! I deeply regret that now and I regret not holding her again….
At about 5pm that evening we got ready to go and to say our goodbyes That was the hardest thing I ever had to do…leave her in there and walk away from her! Both me and Adam were sobbing so hard! I kissed her loads and told her how much I loved her and Adam gave her a kiss aswell….
Walking along that hospital corridor was hard, Adam was having to hold me up…I was so heartbroken! i can honestly say i have never cried so much as i did then....it was the hardest thing we have both ever had to do leaving her when we should have been carrying her home in our arms. no one should ever had to go through that, I would never wish it upon anyone & i hope i never feel pain like it again.
We had her funeral 2 weeks later, it was a lovely service! She was cremated and we had placed 3 photos of us in with her, aswell as a letter, a blanket and a cuddly toy so she wasn’t alone! We later found out that her was no reason i lost Sophie, i just went in to pre term labour...she was healthy & everything was developing correctly & she was growing perfectly for the age she was...she was perfect! there was no sign of infection or anything!
Its comforting & upsetting at the same time as i feel its not a real or good enough reason 4 me 2 lose her but it comforts me that she was in no pain & she was healthy & well PERFECT! I will get alot more check ups & scans if i ever have another baby!
Its now been a year for Sophie….Its been hard re-living things that should have been and ive been living a nightmare not having her here! She was totally unplanned and unexpected, but I wouldn’t change it for the world! I miss her so much, it physically hurts! I am a much stronger person that I used to be and I have Sophie to thank for that! Me and her daddy have been through some tough times, but having a daughter has brought us together & at the end of it all and we are as strong as ever! I don’t know where id be without him!
I don’t cry so much for Sophie anymore….she always in my thoughts and my room is like a shrine for her….I guess now, im just more happy than sad! Im proud that I have such a beautiful daughter and I smile more when I think of her! She made me a mummy and we will always have that bond that no one will ever break!
https://remembranceticker.tickershack.com/tickers/yxvte72lepr0z4bv.png
- God bless you both. And thanks so much for sharing your story with us. Sophie was perfect.
Such a beautiful little girl. Thanks so much for sharing her story x
