Wanting a baby after loss, boyrfriend wants to wait

[sam14004]

Hello, this is my first time ever writing about anything on any disccusion forum.
I feel at a loss, and I'm reaching out for support advice, and to talk to women who know what I am feeling.
In May we found out our baby didn't have a heart beat, she was unplanned, but I knew I loved her the second I saw the positive test result.
In June i went into labor. We named her Emma. She was supposed to be born this October, same month as I.
As she was unplanned, her father, still doesn't want a baby. He loves her of course, but now that we lost her he still wants to wait.
I feel very resentful, because all I want now is a baby.
I know I'll never get HER back, but I would love to have another one.
I just started birth control because I don't want to have a baby with someone who even after losing our baby, still doesn't want one.
And I know it would be selfish, and even though it takes two, I would still feel sort of sneaky about "accidentally" getting pregnant again. Because I know all along i want one and he doesn't.
I'm feeling angry, but I love him. And i'm 100% sure that I want to continue having children with him, and he does too. He said after I finish college which is in about 2 years. Today, it really hit me, I dont want to wait that long. The holidays are here and all I can think about is how Emma shoulve been here.
*sorry a bit long, I guess I need to vent :/

 

[Bride2b]

Just wanted to say hi & I'm sorry for what you have been through. Is it a case that he is not interested in having children or do you think he is scared of another loss or a bit of both?

My heart goes out to you as all I want is another baby & one that doesn't have to go and live with the angels. I know that my OH wants children so I am lucky,he was the one who wanted to start ttc a year or so ago,if he hadn't suggested it I wouldn't probably wouldn't be thinking about having any yet.

It sounds like you OH wants them but not yet,is there anyway you can come to a mutual decision & say start to ttc in a year? Also tell him that it doesn't happen straight away, I know a year seems like ages,but in the mean time you could start to take Prenatal vitamins & chart so when that time comes you are in a strong position to bake your little rainbow.

It's only a decision the two of you can make together. In the mean time feel free to rant & rave on here!! I've done it a few times since joining this forum

Xx

 

[sam14004]

thank you for your words...

I think he does want to have children, I've been hopeful about getting pregnant the last few months (since we just started using birth contorl)
and his face really lit up at the thought of another possible pregnancy.

I think what he is afraid of is being too young and not adequately prepared yet. I am 22 and he is turning 25. Mentally I don't feel too young, I feel ready.

He's making me feel alone on this, and I really miss her..
I think since I am on my second month of BC I know its not going to happen by chance again. I feel like I'm not doing what I really want. I feel like I give in to his wants and needs, but mine aren't being met.

A month ago we had a bad argument, where I almost moved out, part of it was him feeling like I was pressuring him to have kids and get married. I just know what I want and its him and a family...I feel like I can't even talk about babies eventhough thats really all thats on my mind

I feel at a loss..

 

[SarahJane]

If you feel ready for a baby then you probably are ready for a baby hun.

I can totally empathise with everything you say about wanting another child as it has been the only thing I have thought about since losing Evelyn. I am lucky that my hubby is the same though.

I don't really have any advice but wanted to send you some love and say that I understand what you are feeling. I just hope that you and your OH can come to a compromise which means that you can both be happy.

I am sorry for your loss of baby Emma xxx

 

[sam14004]

=./ I appreciate your comments..I really need the support :/

and I am happy for all of you that have support from OH TTC again.
I think thats why i felt the need to post, cause I couldn't find anyone who had the same situation..

I thought that TTC after graduation was us meeting half way, but I'm not feeling it anymore. He will not budge, and I'm gonna have to suck it up for the one I love.
Becaue its not just about having a baby, its about having a baby with him.

I hope that our angels Evelyn and Emma have met

 

[KamIAm]

Sam.... First off I am terribly sorry! Having your Emma taken away is horrific : (

I gave birth to my Emma this past March... She was due in Aug... Too tiny for this ol' world I guess....

Just wanted to give you cyber hugs and tell you that you aren't alone... My OH is on the fence of trying again... We waited about 6 months then he was ready but onlyafter the rollercoaster ride of ttc he changed his mind and wants to go at it the relaxed way..?.. He says ideally he would rather us wait til I'm out of school , which is about 2 years as well but he's caved since he knows how I feel.... I feel guilty at times but mostly I don't cuz I know he really does want to try again he's just scared of this happening again....

Curious... What's your Emma's middle name? : )

Take care Hon' and I hope we can help you, you have landed in the perfect spot.... Xoxo!!

 

[Hellylou]

Hi Sam, I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's very difficult when you and OH aren't on the same page with regards to trying again. We have 2 children already, and when I got pregnant in June it was a completely unplanned surprise - a 10 year age gap between our youngest and this one, health issues for me, etc. It wasn't exactly the heady excitement we should have been feeling, and I was guilty of being nervous and cautious at first too. But as time went on we were very excited and looking forward to a new arrival. When I lost him at 16 weeks all I could think about was trying again. It consumed my every waking thought. I thought OH was the same, but he revealed that actually he was not, and didn't really want to try again. I was devestated.

We have talked about it since at length, and he is coming around to the idea of trying again, after chats with medical profession, etc, but we are waiting until we are in a better place (hoping to move soon) and then we can start trying. What I am saying is that men are very practical. They don't like to plunge into the unknown, which is what having a baby is. There is never really a 'right' time to do it - it turns your life on its head having babies. A lot of men find that kind of change very daunting, and like to be able to plan every eventuality and detail. In your case, your pregnancy was unplanned, and it ended so tragically. Your OH probably wants to make sure everything is absolutely perfect next time around. The other consideration is your college course - you don't finish for another 2 years. Is there a way of deferring or postponing it around having a baby? It would certainly be trickier to finish with a baby around, but not necessarily impossible. It's something to consider.

All I would suggest is talking about it, weighing up the pros and cons. It's so different now because this time you are making a choice - last time it was a happy accident. If you can make sure he has all the facts about what went wrong and why, it might help him to feel next time is going to be ok, because his worst fear will be that this may happen again. It's everyone's worst fear.

I hope you can both find a resolve you are happy with

 

[OliveBay]

Hi Sam, so sorry to hear your story.

After we lost our baby, my hubby has said whenever I'm ready to try again he's happy to - BUT we are both over 30 and it was only last year that he felt ready to be a dad. It had taken us a loooong time to get to the point of deciding to become parents. I would have happily had a baby 5 years ago, but was very aware that he wasn't ready for it and didn't want to push him into it out of fear of the damage it could do to our lovely happy relationship. I think a lot of men are very scared by the thought of actively choosing to become a dad, even though they will happily take on this role if it happens as a suprise. I had certainly considered 'planning an accident' by forgetting to take my pill, but then had a strong word with myself that I didn't want to take the risk of losing my OH if he really couldn't handle it.

I'm not sure if any of that has helped you at all, but I hope you manage to find a solution that suits you both. I totally understand the all-consuming need to have a baby after experiencing a loss - its all I can think of myself right now, but please don't jeopardise your relationship with your OH over this.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss

I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, she was unplanned also as I am 40 and already have 3 boys 20,17 and 11. My husband was not happy about me being pregnant, we both were 40 and our oldest was 20 and he felt like we were done raising kids and now it was our time, I however was ecstatic. After a couple of months he did get happy about it, but he still felt we were done. I was the opposite of most people cause after I lost Ava and still now I am terrified to try again, but I will be trying again in February I am getting a little healthy and have been taking folic acid for 8 months.

My husband really does NOT want to try again, but he knows it is the only thing that will make me happy. I will be almost 42 if I do get pregnant and have this baby. Not the age bothers me just the risks.


I know how you feel that longing to be pregnant , but you can't just ignore
your boyfriend's feelings and you have to take into account what he wants also if you love him then you will wait , I know it is hard but sometimes we make sacrifices for those we love. Maybe finishing college and waiting isn't such a bad idea. I could see if you were like 40 and he was saying this, but you are probably young.

You need to decide for yourself if he is worth the wait, I mean what can you do go meet someone else and have a baby right away, of course not. And let me tell you 2 years goes soooooooooooooo fast. Ava is going to be gone a year in March, I can't believe it I know how you feel believe me and maybe he will change his mind about things, or maybe he will see your point. But for now if you are 100% sure that you love him and he is the one then I would try to understand his point also and I would not risk loosing him either.

I know your heart is broken , mine is too we will never ever get over this, but it will get better , I promise.
All My Love XOOXOO

 

[sam14004]

Hi KamIAm my Emma's middle name is Sadie, its actually Emilia Sadie, but we call her Emma for short, as we would have if she was here.
I feel at ease to hear from someone who gets where I am coming from, I'm glad your OH came around, somtimes I think of really telling my OH to consider TTC sooner, but I know there would be some resentment there. I wouldn't want to pressure him and lose him.


Hellylou, I totally agree men are so practical. Its hard cause my yearning to be a mommy again comes from the heart. The reason I agreed to wait till I finished school was because it seems like the right thing to do. I always saw myself having children after I bought a home. But nothing in life ever goes as planned, and with this economy who knows when we will be able to purchase a home. The moment I found out about Emma I changed, my priorities, what I enjoy out of life, all of that changed. And now I cant seem to go back to the 22 year old state of mind most girls I know are in. I was going to continue with school even when I found out I was pregnant. After taking a marriage and family relations class this semester, I've realized that a baby and school is highly stressful. It could really jeopardize the relationship with OH. I guess what I am saying is that I know waiting is the right thing to do, but it's definitely not what I want when I think of Emma and how I wish I couldve seen her beautiful smile and held her in my arms. It hurts.


OliveBay all of your words are helpful
I talked to OH yesterday, about how I was feeling, his love reassures me that I am with the right person. I think he's scared of growing up. It helps to know that your OH took his time to come around too. You waited 5 years, I def think I can wait 2.
And as for forgetting to take the pill, I don't think I'd be brave enough to pull that one either. I think whats most important to remember, is that these men are the ones that make us feel the desire to start a family in the first place. And that means we can wait for them. I'm not going to lie, I do wish my BC happens to miraculously not work. I'm on NuvaRing, I don't think i have a fat chance :/


Andypanda, I'm certainly not trying to ignore my bf's feelings. But I am also trying to get him to understanf mine. At times I feel that I have been so strong, that he forgets I am aching. But the moment I communicate with him, although he doesn't give in to TTC sooner, he makes me feel at ease. And that reassures me I'm with the right man. I already started having chidlren with him, I wouldn't dream of having children with another man. My children are going to be 100% siblings of Emma that is very important to me.

 

[sam14004]

I wanted to add that all of you ladies are now dear to me. I can't thank you enough for helping with this heartache. I've felt so alone, and I am glad that I can reach out to caring mothers life myself.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Hi KamIAm my Emma's middle name is Sadie, its actually Emilia Sadie, but we call her Emma for short, as we would have if she was here.
I feel at ease to hear from someone who gets where I am coming from, I'm glad your OH came around, somtimes I think of really telling my OH to consider TTC sooner, but I know there would be some resentment there. I wouldn't want to pressure him and lose him.


Hellylou, I totally agree men are so practical. Its hard cause my yearning to be a mommy again comes from the heart. The reason I agreed to wait till I finished school was because it seems like the right thing to do. I always saw myself having children after I bought a home. But nothing in life ever goes as planned, and with this economy who knows when we will be able to purchase a home. The moment I found out about Emma I changed, my priorities, what I enjoy out of life, all of that changed. And now I cant seem to go back to the 22 year old state of mind most girls I know are in. I was going to continue with school even when I found out I was pregnant. After taking a marriage and family relations class this semester, I've realized that a baby and school is highly stressful. It could really jeopardize the relationship with OH. I guess what I am saying is that I know waiting is the right thing to do, but it's definitely not what I want when I think of Emma and how I wish I couldve seen her beautiful smile and held her in my arms. It hurts.


OliveBay all of your words are helpful
I talked to OH yesterday, about how I was feeling, his love reassures me that I am with the right person. I think he's scared of growing up. It helps to know that your OH took his time to come around too. You waited 5 years, I def think I can wait 2.
And as for forgetting to take the pill, I don't think I'd be brave enough to pull that one either. I think whats most important to remember, is that these men are the ones that make us feel the desire to start a family in the first place. And that means we can wait for them. I'm not going to lie, I do wish my BC happens to miraculously not work. I'm on NuvaRing, I don't think i have a fat chance :/


Andypanda, I'm certainly not trying to ignore my bf's feelings. But I am also trying to get him to understanf mine. At times I feel that I have been so strong, that he forgets I am aching. But the moment I communicate with him, although he doesn't give in to TTC sooner, he makes me feel at ease. And that reassures me I'm with the right man. I already started having chidlren with him, I wouldn't dream of having children with another man. My children are going to be 100% siblings of Emma that is very important to me.

I didn't mean you were trying to ignore his feelings I just meant you should really think about his feelings is all. A man will never understand our loss never, he will never understand our complete emptiness and our sadness that goes on every single day, if I a man could experience it they would proabbly have 3 more babies right after the other . Nobody can undertand our pain nobody. ( Sorry if I offeneded you in any way, i was just being honest.) Wish you all the best